The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: writing

Your ellipsis is showing

Welcome back for Week #2 in my Back-to-School series of tips for bloggers!

Last week I shared a basic typesetting rule that blew a lot of you away.

Yes, many of us who learned to type either on a typewriter or from a teacher who learned on a typewriter had it drilled into our little heads to insert two spaces at the end of each sentence.

Ring a bell?

Well stop that! Your PC/Mac is NOT a typewriter. 

Unless you’re specifically using a fixed-width font like Courier, one space is plenty between sentences. Go read last week’s post if you’re just joining us and need more details. Continue reading

Appliance Heaven

Girls, if you are ever feelin’ unappreciated by your man or gaggle of kids, Iris has a hot tip for you! 

Get all gussied up and go shopping.  And by “gussied up,” I mean the works!  Do your hair.  Shave your toes.  Grab your highest heels, your tightest jeans, your best engineered push-up bra, and some drop dead red lipstick.  Now this is important: I’m not suggesting that you go shopping just anywhere. At a time like this, you certainly don’t need some under-commissioned department store dickwad to tell you that the whole point of eyebrows is that you are supposed to have two of them. No ma’am, you need to high-tail it to the nearest used appliance store you can find and strut your stuff.

It is amazing how much better you will feel about yourself when you have a few hard working men dropping everything to wait on you.  Of course, testing out the used appliances by sitting on them like this might have something to do with all the attention you’ll get…

It also helps to have a good friend who is a photographer follow you around the shop, taking your photo doing all sorts of crazy things. This always attracts a lot of Looky-Lous, and nothing says “PAY ATTENTION TO ME, PEOPLE!” like having your photo taken in public. I also highly recommend wearing an apron on these outings.  Used appliances tend to be a teensy bit dusty and you do not want to soil your best hot pants just for the sake of a little public admiration.  Do be sure to choose a cute sassy half-apron that accentuates your outfit and not the ginormous, stained “Recipe? What Recipe?” apron your mother in law re-gifted to you for Christmas.  

Oh, another hot tip ladies, especially if you are having trouble getting a salesman’s attention…bring a juicy ripe peach with you and start eating it right there in front of God and everybody.  You may also try bending over a bit, while eating the peach, to inspect the merchandise a little closer.  Salesmen always appreciate a shopper with an eye for detail.  

Another crowd pleaser that I like to use once in a while on these shopping excursions is to bring a frozen tray of meat along with me.  Lord knows you do NOT want to buy a deep freeze and find out after you get it home that your meat is too big for it.  Don’t you just hate when that happens?  So do yourself a favor and bring your family sized value pak of the Other White Meat along for the ride.  By the time you get home, it will be nicely defrosted and ready to cook for supper.  And it is environmentally friendly too, as no polar bears will be killed in this process.

Naturally, bending over just a bit while you clutch your family pak of frozen pork will only help you attract the attention of the salesmen, and/or manager.  

Lastly, if all else fails and you are still not getting the attention you so desperately crave, grab your apron, your peach, and your tray of frozen pork, and lie down somewhere prominent.  Toss your head back and eat that peach, honey!  If you don’t get a little love from this maneuver, you must be doin’ it wrong.    

“The best accessory a woman can wear is confidence.” — author unknown

 

Hello world!

Why “Bearded Iris,” you ask?  Oh, so many reasons, so many meanings.  

First and foremost, my name is Iris.  So there you have it.  Sort of a no brainer there.  I am a writer and a mother and a wife, not necessarily in that order, depending on when you ask.  

But what’s with the beard?  Well, it’s kinda funny.  The word bearded can mean several things: having a beard or hairlike growth, or having a sharp barb as on a fishhook.  Interesting, right?  As a verb, bearded can mean to confront boldly or to oppose to the gills, as in “I bearded that bitch in carpool yesterday!”  Wow!  So in theory, this might be a blog that hooks the reader in with its sharp wit and clever ideas!  It might be a blog that goes where no blog has gone before.  It might even inspire you to start bearding those people in your life who deserve it most…I’m thinking mouthy kids, oppressive husbands, disapproving parents, random PTA members, the potential is limitless.   Yeah, that’s good.  Good stuff. 

So yes, The Bearded Iris Blog might be all that and more someday.  Kinehora!  But I gotta level with you.  I actually have a little bit of a facial hair problem.  What can I say.  I have three kids.  Birthin’ all those babies really fucks with your hormones.  So on top of all this rage and angst and wit, I also have a little bit of a beard.  That’s me.  I’m Bearded Iris.  Welcome to my blog!

Bearded Lady image copyright by Michelle Knowlen, 2008

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