The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: vaginas

Does a Kegel a day keep the transvaginal mesh away?

I don’t honestly know. I just thought it sounded catchy.

Not that you want anything to sound “catchy” when you’re talking about vaginas, but you get my drift.

Wait.

Can I start over?

(This is why I don’t do more sponsored product reviews.)

Starting over, NOW.

Hello lady friends. Do you or someone you love suffer from urinary incontinence or sexual dysfunction?

Then you might have weakened PC (pubococcygeus) muscles. These muscles are attached to the pelvic bone and act like a hammock, holding in our pelvic organs. The weakening of these muscles is a natural part of aging due to gravity, pregnancy, childbirth, and the axis of evil.

Don’t panic. You’ve got choices.

1.) Spend the rest of your life changing your bulky pee-pee pads or adult diapers every time you laugh or sneeze.

2.) Have surgery and hope the transvaginal mesh they use to hoist up your goodie bag doesn’t get recalled a few years later.

3.) Tone up your PC muscles with a regular Kegel routine.*

4.) There are probably other options, but I only have so many hours a day to devote to my vagina-related research.

I don’t know about you, but I’m totally going for the prize behind door number three, Monty. And I might possibly be the laziest woman on Earth, so that’s saying a lot.

Speaking of sexual dysfunction and laziness, this is my idea of “doing it doggie style.”

Sad but true.

Anyhooo.

I’d like to pause right here and remind you that I’m not a health expert in any way shape or form. Please do your research before embarking on any exercise or treatment program. 

I’ve been doing Kegels and teaching my friends about them for a long time, but I’ve recently suspected that my little “Kegel at stop signs and red lights” trick may not be enough to make a difference in my long-term health. Apparently that’s like doing three sit-ups during a Here Comes Honey Boo Boo commercial break and then going to refill your ice cream bowl.

Sorry, but I take my vagina more seriously than that, and you should too. (Your own vagina, that is—not mine. Thankyouverymuch.)

The folks at The Medical Center for Female Sexuality think Kegels are so important that we should be doing them for a minimum of 5-10 minutes every day! And they’ve created a way to help us do just that.

They sent me a copy of their Kegels Anywhere CD to review and I’ve been using it religiously for about two weeks.

The CD is designed so that you can gradually increase your workout as your PC muscles grow stronger. There is a four-minute Beginner Circuit, two five-minute circuits, and two ten-minute circuits.

Regardless of the amount of time you choose to devote to your daily Kegel workout, you can choose the type of background music to squeeze to: “Piano Dream” or “Smooth Jazz.” Personally, I prefer the “Piano Dream.” The “Smooth Jazz” tracks remind me of Kenny G and I don’t really want to be thinking about him when I’m rhythmically pulsing my lady junk. (No offense, Kenny G.)

The beginning of the CD has a very informative introduction. I think the voice-over artist speaks a little fast, but after you hear her spiel a couple of times, you don’t really need that part anymore.

One word of warning, take it from me and DO NOT listen to the Introduction or “How To Do Kegel Exercises” track in the car if your kids are with you. There’s a part when the speaker explains where the PC muscles are and suggests you can find them by “inserting a finger into your vagina.”

Long story short, Bucket Head is probably telling his Kindergarten teacher things like “My mommy does exercises with her bagina,” and “A bagina is like a pocket! You can stick things IN THERE! You shouldn’t stick things in your penis though. A penis is not a pocket like a bagina.”

(Sadly, that’s not even the weirdest conversation we had all week.)

Like any exercise CD, the voice-over guides you through each routine. The thing I like about it is that I can just follow her lead and not think about timing or repetitions. The five or ten minutes actually flies by and unlike my Jillian Michaels’ DVDs, I’m not looking at the clock and muttering a pox on her the whole time.

I’m pretty excited to report that over the past two weeks I have gradually increased my workout from the four-minute Beginner Circuit to the ten-minute circuit. A couple more weeks of this and I’ll be able to open beer bottles with my lady cave. I just don’t want to bulk up my vag muscles too much; that could lead to my vagizness wearing a muscle-tee at the gym and pounding protein shakes between reps. I draw the line, you know?

Please visit the website of The Medical Center for Female Sexuality for more information about Kegels or to purchase your own Kegels Anywhere CD.

-Leslie

*Disclaimer: I’m not a doctor, and this is a sponsored post. Please do your own independent research before choosing a treatment plan for your aging lady bits. I also will not be held responsible if we find out ten years from now that Kegels are the Anti-Christ. I’m just sharing a potential resource. What you do with that information is up to you. 

Get Your Lady Bits Poised for Perimenopause {and win $250}

This post is for the ladies. Gentlemen, please form a single file line and walk to the gym for a rousing presentation by the Phys. Ed. teachers on how to care for your prostate.

::Glances from side to side.::

Are they gone?

Oh good! Let’s talk shop, ladies. And by “shop” of course I mean vaginas.

I was thirteen years old when I got my first period. The thing I remember most about it was that my mom and her best friend Monica poured Champagne for the three of us (just a sip for me) and then toasted me on becoming a woman. We sat on the floor in my living room and yakked the night away talking about grown-up lady bits stuff, and I felt like I had just been initiated into a wonderfully secret sorority.

Fast forward about thirty years, and I’m starting to notice a whole new crop of strange bodily changes on the horizon. And no, I’m not just talking about the beard and mustache I sprouted after Bucket Head was born.

The thing is, as women approach menopause, there is no formal presentation or celebration that prepares us for this next life stage. We just hear scary labels like “the change” and imagine the worst. (I already don’t recognize myself in the mirror most mornings; I don’t know if I can handle any more “change,” thankyouverymuch.)

But Poise brand wants to help us approach this next life stage with confidence by encouraging The 2nd Talk, a whole new way to learn about menopause and other wellness issues for women our age. And to support us, they are introducing a first-of-its-kind line of products designed to work naturally with our bodies and provide comfort from symptoms.

As a BlogHer reviewer, I’ve gotten a sneak peak at some of the cool new products Poise is introducing this month. And yes, this is a sponsored post, but I think you know me well enough by now to know that I choose my sponsors very carefully, and I always calls it like I sees it.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But Leslie, I thought you were anti-Feminine Hygiene Products?”

Well, yes and no.

It’s true, I’ve written several posts about the misogynistic message communicated to the world by most of the feminine hygiene industry. I personally do not want to be told over and over that I’m not good enough, and all those sprays and douches and deodorized tampons make me feel like everyone thinks I stink.

But then again, sometimes I really do stink. And I’ve got young kids who are perfectly willing to say that aloud. (Awesome.)

So perhaps my soap and water routine isn’t cutting it, particularly when my pesky Aunt Flo is all up in my vagizness.

Not only that, but soap can be very drying, and we women of a certain age do not need any help drying out our goody bags, if you know what I mean.

That’s where Poise’s new product line piques my interest.

Poise’s new Feminine Wash is Gynecologist tested and pH Balanced. Ladies, take it from me, you do not want to putz with the pH of your poonany, like, ever.

It is also Glycerin & Paraben free which is incredibly important for our health. If you don’t know why chemicals like these are bad mojo, I’ll fill you in real quick (that’s what he said.) Parabens mimic estrogen in the body and are associated with cancer cells. Avoid them whenever you can, but particularly around the thin and delicate membranes of your vagene. And glycerin is major no-no because even though it may feel all fun and slippery at first, it is a man-made chemical that works by pulling moisture from the inside of your skin cells outward. Over time, it will cause more harm than good. Long story short: a dry vagina is a sad vagina.

I do not know what this stuff smells like yet, which could be a deal breaker for me. But if it smells like a fresh, mild soap without the drying properties of soap, I’m totally in, and I think my family will probably thank me for it.

The other new Poise product I’m really excited about is their revolutionary new Panty Fresheners.

Let’s face it, ladies, swamp crotch happens. And the complexity of our anatomy can make it challenging to feel just-showered-fresh all day long.

Fortunately, Poise has engineered a product that is kind of like a cross between the charcoal filter on a litter box and a Stick-Up air freshener.

Oh yes. I went there. Remember those things?

Let’s be honest, sometimes your crotch is a good place for a Stick-Up. Amiright? But we need a safe version that won’t irritate our sensitive lady bits or expose us to dangerous chemicals.

The new Poise Panty Fresheners stick to the OUTSIDE of your undergarments! It’s brilliant, really. Way to think outside of the box, Poise! {Puh-dum-pum-tchhhhh!}

It provides a fresh scent for four hours, but without the risk of putting fragrance right next to your bare skin. These discreet stick-on disks are hypoallergenic and dermatologist tested. I’m guessing if you pop one of these down your pants around lunch, it will keep you feeling confident until you can get home and give yourself a Silkwood.

All joking aside, when we feel confident, we can accomplish great things. Poise wants to know, when do YOU feel most confident? Please share in the comments below and you will be entered to win a $250 Visa gift card!

Also, Poise wants to rally 1 million women to pledge to have The 2nd Talk by World Menopause Day on October 18. By joining the conversation, women will gain more menopause knowledge, support, and solutions. Join the conversation at The2ndTalk.com.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some housekeeping to do. And of course by “housekeeping,” I mean tending to my recalcitrant lady garden.

Rules (It may smell like it, but this isn’t Lord of the Flies, you know.)

No purchase necessary to enter or win.

Only unique Entries will be counted; duplicates will not be considered as an additional entry.

You may receive entries on this post by selecting from the following entry methods starting on July 26, 2012 at 9 a.m. PT and ending on August 24, 2012 at 5 p.m. PT:

a) Leave a comment in response to the sweepstakes prompt on this post.

b) Tweet (public message) about this promotion, including exactly the following unique term in your tweet message: ì#sweepstakesentryî; and leave the URL to that tweet in a comment on this post.

c) Blog about this promotion and leave the URL to that post in a comment on this post.

d) To enter without posting comments, see official rules.

This giveaway is open to US Residents age 18 or older. Winners will be selected via random draw, and will be notified by e-mail and will have 72 hours to respond or a new winner will be selected. Void where prohibited.

Be sure to visit Poise’s brand page on BlogHer.com where you can read other bloggers’ reviews and find more chances to win!

And thank you for being here and supporting me and each other with your wisdom and humor!

Sincerely, and now with added panty freshness,
Leslie

********************************************

Thank you for your interest but this giveaway is now officially closed.

A Few Good Vaginas

Timing is everything, or so they say.

Which is why it’s kind of funny that the very day I would “come out of the closet” and confess my real name to the world, The Huffington Post would include my recent conundrum in their “weekly roundup of standout writing from mom and dad blogs everywhere.” 

“This week, we agonized with The Bearded Iris as she decided whether or not to close down her blog.”
~Emma Mustich, The Huffington Post

Holy CRAP on a cracker. She said “we” and “agonized.” As in: more than one person and gave two shits. The Huffington. Freaking. Post. Whaaaaat?

Seriously, you simply HAVE to read it. Go now. I’ll wait.

I mean really. It just doesn’t get any better than that.

I read Emma Mustich’s gripping words to my 12 year old son this morning, and he responded by giving me a celebratory fist bump and a knowing smile that said, “Told you.”

Priceless.

Tulips at Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, University of Dayton

Hey, you know what would make this scenario even better? 

How about a follow-up post titled A Few Good Vaginas.

I know the irony is not lost on you, which is awesome.

You see, I have to write my weekly column for In The Powder Room about 8 days in advance so that my brilliant British editors (Gigi & Paula) have plenty of time to hem and haw about what kind of crazy-ass new American words I’ve invented. Then they have to choose a photograph to complement the piece and if Gigi can’t find one that’s just right (like that breathtaking sausage picture featured the day I shared my birth story), then Paula has to make one of her own with her fierce computer skills.

Honest to Pete, when I saw the picture Paula made for this week, I snarfed a Peppermint Pattie and attempted to give myself the Heimlich on the back of my chair, which just so happens to be on wheels, so I think you know where I’m going with this…right. down. the. hallway. Not pleasant. Peppermint irritates the trachea, people.

My point is… a lot can happen in a week. Let’s all remember that the next time we find ourselves in shitsville. If we can hang on long enough, this too shall pass. 

Thanks for being here with me. And here. Your friend,

-Leslie/Iris

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