The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: top 25 funny moms (page 1 of 2)

We all have that one friend…

we all have that one friend

Not THAT friend. Although we all have at least one of those too, don’t we? (Or at least YOU do, because that would be me…splash!)

No, I’m talking about that friend who hasn’t quite yet figured out which form of electronic communication to use and when.

You know the one…he/she sends out massive group emails on Facebook and spammy DMs on Twitter to say “Thanks for the follow!”

Yeah, that friend (or Grandma…whatever.)

Well I have a thing or two to say about them. And it’s posted In The Powder Room. Please join me over there.

So far the response has been either “LOVE IT!” or “Such language!” so if you don’t like it when I swear, maybe sit this one out and go look at pretty things on Pinterest…like this gorgeous Valentine pin board my friend and colleague Kim is curating for In The Powder Room. I pretty much want to live there. {Sigh.}

with gratitude and a solemn promise to never butt-dial or DM you,
~Leslie

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…

…it was my week.

So, I’m going to ask Charles Dickens to help me pull it all together for your cultural edification, and also to class things up in huuuuur.

It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade. ~Charles Dickens

On Monday I battled a recent ugly relapse into the depths of chronic depression when I accepted a dare by some of my blogging sistahs to showcase my hottest signature booty shaking moves on video. Score: Iris 1, Depression 0.

The response we all received was so incredible that we’ve decided to turn this into a monthly dance challenge. Look for more extreme hawtness and public displays of shamelessness coming to a monitor near you the first week of May. Interested in joining in on the fun? The more the merrier! Please contact Kerry @HouseTalkN to get the deets!

On Tuesday I was whining about how I’ve never been a bridesmaid and begging folks to consider me for future occasions. Several very awesome people including my blog crush Kristin from What She Said came forward and shared that they’ve also never been a bridesmaid. Oh thank GOD I’m not the only friendless loser one! I’m also pretty confident that if I can convince several of my readers to tie the knot, they may actually ask me to stand up for them just because they know I’ll bring da funk, and possibly the pantsuit. Case in point:

@ @ will you be my Maid of Honor? If I ever sucker the poor man into getting hitched? Dont tell @
@babzdockter
Barbara Dockter

 

Oh snap! Sorry about that Melly, but I will cut you if you try to get between me and the Babzster.

Melly was ready to defend her turf though, and that bitch fights DIRTY:

@ @ Plus have you seen Iris dance? Yikes.....
@mellysteg
Mel Stegner

 

Day-yam!

But speaking of funk and pantsuits and female cage fighting, I answered several burning questions about my vintage getup on Wednesday…the same day the Top 25 Funny Moms contest ended, praise Jeeeezus. These vote-whoring contests are a bit of a soul-sucker, ain’t gonna lie. I wish there were an easier, more objective way to dole out the bling, but until someone invents a Funny-O-Meter, we’ll just have to rely on the popular vote. And lucky for me, you guys are über generous with your clicks and willingness to publicly support a hairy foul-mouthed suburban hostage with questionable feminine hygiene. God bless us, every one. 

So yes, I’m more than a little pee-my-pants-excited to announce that I made the final list, and am now officially one of the Top 25 Funny Moms (#5 actually, but who’s counting). Which was a perfect way to end the day and usher in MY 42nd BIRTHDAY on Thursday.

And even though Facebook totally screwed me and decided not to tell you that it was my special day (possibly a user error, but whatever), I still had a great time filled with lots of love and sugary goodness, including a magical trip to my Holy of Holies: Krispy Kreme, where I was given a free birthday doughnut and enough hats for my whole family to celebrate in STYLE!

Poor Bucket Head...he's like "Can we please just eat da doughnuts?"

Special thanks to Chantelle at the Roswell Krispy Kreme who hooked me UP, y’all! On a scale of 1-10 for customer service, that woman deserves an 11 and a pink Cadillac, or golden doughnut, or whatever those Krazy Krispy Kreme Kohorts do to show their appreciation for their best peeps. Thank you Chantelle!

But every rose has it’s thorn. No, that one is not a Charles Dickens original, but a darn close second (I heart you Bret).

That same day, my husband took me out for a birthday lunch at The Olive Garden because he knows I’m a sucker for an all-you-can-eat soup and salad experience. We had the two cutest waiters who were in training and thus very attentive. Seriously, I could not take a sip from my water without the one standing there to replenish my glass. Which makes me feel compelled to apologize to that dear sweet girl for exposing her to my vile language during a rant in which I got very emotional about the Trayvon Martin murder in Florida.

My heart is broken in two for this child’s family. Self defense, my ass. That boy’s only crime was Walking While Black.

photo credit: Martin Family/AP

In the little world in which children have their existence, whosoever brings them up, there is nothing so finely perceived and so finely felt, as injustice. ~Charles Dickens

Marian Wright Edelman wrote an incredible piece about this tragedy earlier this week and I have not been able to think of much else since reading it.

But to end this roller coaster week on a positive note, I received the sweetest of birthday wishes from long time reader Meili:

Hope your joy today equals what you bring your readers every time you post one of your hilarious blog entries!!! I’m so glad you were born!

Meili, what a beautiful gift! I’ll take that over a dozen hot Krispy Kremes any day. But I think Charles Dickens said it best:

No one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of it to anyone else.

Thank you Meili, and all the friends I’ve made on the Interwebs, who make me feel so special and ease my burden daily with friendship, laughter, and love.

your older (and hopefully wiser) friend,

-Iris

Have Pantsuit, Will Travel.

Can you believe I’ve NEVER been a bridesmaid?

With this fashion sense and these dance moves?

I know. Me neither! So I’m just putting it out there that I am available for weddings, vow renewals, and commitment ceremonies…vintage pantsuit optional.  Call me.

For more details about my qualifications to be in your bridal party, please read my weekly column In The Powder Room today.

And speaking of my fancy pantsuit, I’ve received a lot of comments/questions/concerns about it since the debut of my dance video earlier this week.

This has given me the idea to introduce a new semi-regular feature here at The Bearded Iris called “Ask Iris.” You can submit your burning life questions to me via email at iris <at> thebeardediris <dot> com or using the handy dandy form on my contact page. Please include “Ask Iris” in your subject line so it doesn’t get lost with all my porn.

So anyhoooo, back to the sisterhood of my traveling pantsuit. Here’s a pic of me struggling with my camera shyness in 1992 at a summer hotel job “Tacky Party.”

OMG. How cute was my sidekick there? I have always had a weakness for men with ascots and Travolta-esque chin dimples.

But I digress. Let’s answer your questions:

Q: What. The. Fuck…are you wearing in that dance video. You look like Mrs. Roper went off her meds after a long night in the back room at the Regal Beagle.

A: Funny you should mention because I am off my meds, and could use a good couple of minutes correcting forms with the Wite-Out if you know what I mean. What I am wearing is a vintage one-piece fully lined disco halter romper circa 1975. The fabric is a sparkly silver totally non-breathable polyester blend. The pant legs are flared and accordion pleated.

Q: Where on earth did you get that incredible garb?

A: I bought this baby at The Goodwill in the late 1980s. I was starring in a sorority revue of The Wiz (as Addaperle) and wanted to wear something FABULOUS. Can I get two snaps and a twist?

Q: How is it possible that you still have something you bought over twenty years ago?

A: Oh honey, have you never seen my vintage 80s Mom Jean collection? I am probably one peanut shell collection away from starring on an episode of Hoarders.

Q: And you still fit into it? Dude!

A: It’s very stretchy and forgiving, unless you get a good look at me in it from behind, then duck and cover!

Q: How do you clean it?

A: I don’t.

Q: OMG. You bought it at The Goodwill, from a dead disco queen, and you’ve never cleaned it? Do you have crabs?

A: Not anymore. I think the heat from the polyester kills all the crotch critters. Besides, I don’t go commando in it! Gross!

Q: Does it smell?

A: Yes: horrible. Do yourself a favor and keep your distance.

Q: Is there a special compartment in the pants for your enormous hairy balls? Because I have never seen anyone make such an ass out of themselves ON PURPOSE, and with a straight face.

A: Grandma? Is that you? Nice try. You know I keep my balls freshly shorn.

Alrighty then folks. I hope that answers all your burning questions about my vintage pantsuit. If you have any suggestions for how I should launder that mofo, please let me know. It really is all kinds of stanky. But on the plus side, there are NO moth issues in my closet.

Hey, great news: today is the LAST day of whoring for votes on that Top 25 Funny Moms contest. I’m currently holding steady at #5 in spite of a few star-studded last minute entries. If you can spare two more clicks today to help lock-in my place on the list, groovy. If not, I understand. There are probably lots of other women out there who will sacrifice their dignity and retinal health for your entertainment.

with love and sequins,

-Iris

“Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion!”

Aw, shucks, you guys. Thank you so much for all the sweet birthday wishes for my dear little Bucket Head and the kind words you shared about my sentimental tribute from last year! I feel all warm and fuzzy, and not just because it’s sunny today and I’m out of Magic Cream.

It’s been a rough week. I shared something very personal on Tuesday In The Powder Room and so many of you were incredibly supportive. I am truly touched and encouraged.

Maybe the lack of alcohol is enabling me to feel all the feelings that I normally keep at bay with my steady drip of boxed wine, or maybe it’s PMS, or the enormous amount of sugar I’m using to quell my alcohol cravings, but Lord have mercy…I could fill a Super Soaker with the tears I’ve shed over Bucket Head’s birthday this week.

I can’t place my finger on what it is about him turning five that is such a big deal to me. I’m ecstatic, proud, and devastated at the same time. There is light at the end of the tunnel, but I’m suddenly so nostalgic and sad that my last baby isn’t a baby anymore.

You should have seen this child in his glory on Wednesday, stopping random strangers in the grocery store to tell them “I FIVE!” (sic) “It’s my birthday today!” and “Now I don’t have to hold down any fingers!”

He gets that from me. I’ll probably be just as enthusiastic when I turn 42 next week and start telling people “Now I only have to take off my socks, count all my digits, multiply that number by two, and whip out my boobs to show you ‘how many’ I am!”

Yeeesh. That’s a scary thought. Just imagine what 43 will be like.

So, if you don’t mind, I just want to linger in his babyhood for a moment longer and thought maybe you’d like to join me since he’s such a popular character around here.

Five Things You Might Not Know about Bucket Head:

1.) Bucket Head is a Water Birth Baby. This may explain why he is deathly afraid of water and does not like to swim, bathe, or touch icky things. Ironically, he is also a Pieces.

...the beach is not his fave. He doesn't like the water OR the sand...especially in his mouth.

 

2.) We call him Bucket Head because when he was a toddler he took to wearing one of my old OxiClean Buckets on his head everywhere he went.

Photo credit: Laura Lee Photography

 

3.) Bucket Head has spent the past 1,828.25 nights snuggled up next to a plastic crib aquarium toy he affectionately calls “Turtle.” Turtle is heavy, stinky, and noisy as hell, but not to Bucket Head. I have faith that he will eventually outgrow his Turtle-dependency, but if not, I can sew him into one of Bucket Head’s pant legs on his wedding day and it will be his wife’s problem from then on out.

 

4.) Bucket Head had what my pediatrician called “the worst case of Chicken Pox [he’d] seen in over 15 years” because I fell behind in his immunization schedule.

Bucket Head, 18 months old, having some outside nekkid time to dry out the pox.

 

5.) When Bucket Head was a baby, he had a heart shaped “stork bite” birthmark in the middle of his forehead. It was not very noticeable unless he was pooping, in which case it would glow bright red. We affectionately called it “The Poo Beacon,” a very useful feature for newborns…like one of those pop-up turkey thermometers.

 

And “one to grow on”…

6.) He has always had a knack for making funny faces.

 

Yup. That’s my Bucket Head. Someday you’ll be able to say you knew him way back when. And hopefully I’ll stop crying by then.

Have a great weekend everyone!

-Iris

(Psssst. Don’t forget to vote for the Top 25 Funny Moms today!
Just click this link and then click the “thumbs up” sign next to your favorite bloggers. You can vote once every 24 hours until March 21st for as many bloggers as you wish. Thank you!)

FIVE!

Holy guacamole, my sweet little funny-faced Bucket Head turns five years old today!

Here is the sentimental birthday tribute I published in his honor last year. It’s still one of my all-time favorite posts. Based on the comments, you may want to have a tissue handy.

New here and want to get to know Bucket Head better? Here are five of my favorite Bucket Head related posts for your reading pleasure:

It’s just a phase….I hope.

I might have to change grocery stores after this.

Pushy Preschool Paparazzi and The Power of Prayer

You can’t beat THAT with a stick. Really. Don’t.

How to Revive Your Child’s Limp Curls

Thank you for being here with me to celebrate this precious and funny little boy on his special day!

with gratitude and love,

-Iris

PS – Have you voted for your favorite Top 25 Funny Moms yet today? Just click this link and then click the “thumbs up” sign next to your favorite blogs to cast your votes. Voting ends on March 21st. Thank you!

The one in which I use the word CAULK as much as possible.

This is what my corner garden tub looked like when we first moved into this house 9 years ago.

Nature Boy reading to his little sister Mini-Me in my bathroom 7 years ago.

One of the first things to go when I started working on renovating this bathroom was the cultured marble backsplash around the sides of the tub.

Now the walls are primed, but there is another mess to deal with...

But removing that backsplash left an ugly ridge of dirty, old, sloppy, white caulk.

I spent the majority of the day yesterday trying to remove it.

This is a picture of my caulk.

I mean really. How gross is that?

I hate that when I bathe, I'm basically surrounded by dirty old caulk.

Apparently, the motley crew of unlicensed contractors who built this tract home 19 years ago were about as skilled with applying caulk as they were at properly disposing of their trash while they worked. As a result, my ductwork is full of old peach pits and beer cans and my bathrooms look like a bunch of preschool aged blind kids sealed my tub & tile work with hooks instead of hands.

Removing the remnants of sloppily applied caulk is really not that difficult, as long as you are willing to think outside of the box (the toolbox, that is).

Fortunately, being completely untrained in all manners pertaining to DIY home improvement, I was unaware of the official correct way to remove old caulk and had to rely on my wits and kitchen tools to get the job done.

You see, I had to be careful not to scratch the fiberglass surface of my tub. Thus, metal putty scrapers and razor blades were out of the question.

Instead, I used what I had on hand:

Goo Gone and a Nylon Pan Scraper from The Pampered Chef

Friends, I cannot begin to tell you how much I relished using something called Goo Gone to remove dirty, sloppy caulk from around my bathtub. If that’s not poetic justice, I don’t know what is.

A few drops of Goo Gone plus my nylon scraper and that nasty old caulk was off like my bra at dusk every day.

The second best part about using Goo Gone is that my husband absolutely detests the way it smells. I’ll have to remember to splash a little behind my ears on those days when I’m just not in the mood. (Like days that end in the letter “y.”)

Want to see my bathtub minus the wrinkly old caulk?

Bathtub rim after excess caulk-removal.

How awesome is that?

There was one other nasty prep job I had to do before I could move forward with painting the vanity, and that was removing these four old dried globs of the former backsplash adhesive.

These four brittle brown glue globs were left behind when I removed the old backsplash.

I had attempted to chisel them off with a putty knife and hammer, but that wasn’t working, so I had to think outside of the (tool) box again.

Here’s what I came up with:

My hairdryer is HOT HOT HOT, y'all! And see, I wasn't kidding about the mauve-accented linoleum floor. Gag.

That’s right, people. I used my hairdryer to warm up the old brittle rock-hard adhesive so it would be easier to scrape off with the putty knife! And guess what?

IT. TOTALLY. WORKED!

You should see what I can do with a waffle iron, some silly putty, and a maxi pad.

Here’s what it looked like when I was done with the scraping:

The old adhesive has been scraped off and it's ready to sand. Those peach circles are just stains from the old glue.

Then I used a hand held electric sander and smoothed all the nicks and dents.

And here’s what it looked like after I primed it:

Heated, scraped, sanded, and primed! Good as new! Now it's ready to be painted...if I ever pick a color.

Pretty sweet, no?

There will be a new backsplash surrounding the entire tub sometime soon, but I wanted to make sure it would be applied to a clean surface for maximum adhesion.

Besides, nobody likes a sloppy caulk job.

Can I get an Amen, ladies?

(Psssst. Please help me make the list of the Top 25 Funny Moms! Just click this link and then click the “thumbs up” sign next to my name to cast your vote. You can vote once a day until March 21st for all your favorite funny moms. Thank you!)

Hoping your weekend was lovely and didn’t require any Goo Gone in those hard to reach areas,

-Iris

 

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