The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: the bachelor

Why The Bachelor Should Be Required Viewing for Single Ladies

Look, Mondays can be hard. Why do you think there are songs like “Monday, Monday,” and cats like Garfield, and get-your-ass-kicked phrases like “Somebody’s got a case of the Mondays.”

But there is one thing I look forward to on Monday nights that always tacks a happy ending onto a typically rough day: watching The Bachelor and tweeting about it with friends.

Yes. It’s true. I am a fan of The Bachelor/Bachelorette. And I’m not even ashamed of it (mostly). This show is absolutely fascinating to me from an anthropological mating rituals perspective. Okay, fine, that and I truly enjoy all the skin and exotic locale makeout scenes. And the cattiness…oh Lord, yes please.

Five catty contestants from The Bachelor eyeing up their competition's rack.

photo source: http://haveuheard.net

You don’t even have to watch the show to guess what the five women on the left are thinking about Princess Bitch Nipples there on the right.

I’m not here to sell you the show. It’s trash, plain and simple. But it’s delicious trash, and it brings me mindless joy. (Don’t judge.)

Ho-ever (not a typo), in spite of its dearth of redeeming qualities, there are some fabulous nuggets to be gleaned from this drivel. Specifically, examples that can help single ladies improve their chances of making a love connection in today’s challenging dating scene.

Here are the Top Ten Dating DOs and DON’Ts that I have ascertained from the last few episodes of The Bachelor:

1.) If you are ever talking to a guy and he can’t keep his eyes off someone else (like that scheming vixen Courtney), stop talking to him immediately and move on; you deserve better. (Unless you are a contestant on The Bachelor, then shut up already and kiss him like he’s never been kissed before…on the mouth, see # 5 below.)

2.) And speaking of first kisses, whatever you do, DON’T “Jamie it.” That was just plain awkward. Rule of thumb: if you have to give step-by-step instructions to someone on how to kiss you, you’re just not compatible. Game over.

“…easily one of the most horrifying moments in the history of the show.” ~ Chris Harrison

(You know you’re dying to see it now, aren’t you. I’ll make it easy for you. Click here.)

The Ugly Cry

3.) Keep it on the down-low if you are on the rebound. Your date will never want to take it to the next level with you if he suspects your heart isn’t in it.

Not unrelated: never let a date see your ugly cry too early in the relationship. You may as well start pooping with the bathroom door open. Just go ahead and just pack it up, sister. Do not pass go, do not collect your rose.

4.) Under no circumstances should you EVER show your date the creepy scrapbook you’ve been making about him. Once he knows he’s the center of your world, the thrill of the chase is over; pack your bags, beeyotch.

“And I made this page with my own blood, Ben. We’re going to be SO happy together, baby.” 

5.) Don’t be a slut. If you put out too early, he might keep you around for booty calls, but you’ll never meet his parents. Or like my Mama says, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.” (NOTE: this adage does not apply if you are in fact only interested in some sexy time. In other words: “Why buy the pig when all you want is a little sausage.”)

Courtney "The Maneater" lures Ben to skinny dip in Puerto Rico.

Photo Credit: Screen Still via Entertainment Weekly

6.) If you badmouth other girls, it makes you look shallow and petty. Don’t do that. (Emily! Geez, for such a smart girl, you sho’ nuff is dumb about boys.)

7.) If you tell your date that you just want to get married because all your friends are already engaged or married, GAME OVER! Nothing scares a man away like the smell of desperation.

8.) Be a good listener. “I appreciate the fact that you listen to me” Ben said to Kacie B., the baton twirling doe eyed Girl Next Door. God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason…use them in proportion. You can talk his ear off AFTER he puts a ring on it. (Your finger, that is.)

9.) Be flexible, easy going, and willing to roll with the punches, like the way Nicki didn’t let that torrential rain in Puerto Rico ruin her date with Ben. Men dig “low-maintenance” girls, or in Ben’s words: “It’s a turn-on!” (Granted, he’s probably talking about her wet t-shirt and not her attitude, but whatever.)

10.) Personally, I think a good tattoo can be sexy. But if you have a tattoo IN YOUR MOUTH, game overNothing says “tramp stamp” like a tattoo in your pie hole. 

photo credit: http://abigpicturewindow.wordpress.com

I can’t even imagine how much that must have hurt. (Bless her heart.)

Got it?

Would you prefer it in 140 characters or less? No problemo. Or like Nicki would say, “No prob-a-LAAAAAAY-MOE. (Ben is mooooey moooooey moooooooey calienTAY.)”

Okay, got it, Ben likes "open" and "nipples." Ben does not like scrapbooking or sloppy seconds. #TheBachelor
@TheBeardedIris
Iris Beard

 

For more The Bachelor related fun, check out:

Bachelor Ben Drinking Game by Connie at The Young and The Relentless

The Bachelor Season 16 Best Tweets from Week 6

And/or join me and my Bachelor loving friends on the Twitter next Monday night, 8 PM EST.

kiss kiss,

-Iris

 

The Lousy Lover’s Guide to Sex

Well, it’s Tuesday and that means two things:

Read me In the Powder Room

1.) I’m a little hungover from watching The Bachelor and drinking every time Ben says “journey” or one of the women does something ridiculous.

2.) I’m In The Powder Room today oversharing about something related to my Down There Lady Business.

My family is so proud.

Seriously people, you do not want to miss my column today. It’s all about S-E-X! Oooh-weee! Come on over and read it…you might learn something new, and/or feel compelled to say a prayer for my husband.

with reckless abandon and Extra Strength Advil,

-Iris

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