The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: out of the mouths of babes

“Mommy, how did I get out of your tummy?”

I’ve told you before that our dinner conversations tend to be pretty, uh…colorful, much to my sweet husband’s dismay.

Well, we had another doozy this week.

This was one of those moments when you wish you had a video camera rolling. But since I didn’t (do we ever when we really need them?), I’ll have to attempt to reenact the dialogue from the way I saw it unfold.

It went a little something like this…

Mini-Me (10 y.o. girl): Mom, have you ever missed the bus and had to chase it to get on?

Me: I don’t think so. I had to walk to school when I was your age. But I did have to run my hardest through an airport once to catch a flight. You were with me, do you remember that?

Nature-Boy (13 y.o.): I remember that. You were crying and we were all running.

Mini-Me: You were crying? In an airport? RUNNING? With us? I don’t remember that!

Me: Well I was about 6 months pregnant with Bucket Head and we were going to Arizona to visit your Bubbie and Zaydie, and we were super late, and my e-ticket wouldn’t work, and it was a mess. But yes, we had to run, HARD. I was crying because I was stressed out and afraid. We made the flight though. Nobody wants to get in the way of a sprinting pregnant lady.

Bucket Head (5 y.o. boy): You mean, I was in your tummy and you were running in an airport? That’s so silly, Mom.

Me: Yep. You were in my tummy…and you were HUGE.

Bucket Head: But Mom? How did I get OUT of your tummy?

(Mini-Me and Nature Boy’s eyes widened with excitement and/or fright.)

Mini-Me: (stage whisper) Should I tell him, Mom?

Me: NO. Don’t tell him yet. Not now. We’re eating. Daddy doesn’t like when we talk about stuff like that at the table. And I should tell him, not you. But thanks for the offer.

Bucket Head: Does the doctor cut the baby out?

Me: Sometimes. Pass the sour cream, honey.

Bucket Head: Well one time? The news was on? And Mommy was up in her room texting? And I saw a Mommy having a baby on TV. She was going like this [he grabbed the table with both hands, tightly shut his eyes, and made a sustained difficult pushing sound] and then she pooped out her baby…right out of her BUTT! I don’t think I was supposed to be watching that show.

The rest of us: ::giggle::

The Gatekeeper: You have to tell him now. You can’t let him think that babies get pooped out.

Me: It’s not totally inaccurate. Remember the sausage and peppers?

The Gatekeeper: Dude. We’re eating.

Me: (To GK) You said to tell him! (To BH) Right, you probably shouldn’t have been watching that show, buddy. But no, that mom didn’t poop out her baby.

Bucket Head: Really? Because it looked like it was coming out of her butthole. And it was all gross like poop.

Me: Most babies come out of their Mommy’s vagina.

Bucket Head: WHAT? (Deadpan face.)

Me: Vagina. Babies get pushed out of vaginas. And it’s hard work, so Mommies have to push and grunt and it’s messy. But it’s awesome.

Mini-Me: (Very concerned) But mom? A baby’s head is like this big, and a vagina is only that big. Do vaginas stretch out THAT much? (Holding her hands out like the size of her dinner plate.)

Me: Yep.

Mini-Me: How long do they stay stretched out like that?

Me: Oh…pretty much forever. Why do you think I wear such big pants?

The Gatekeeper: (Slowly shakes head in defeat.)

Mini-Me: I’m never having sex, ever.

Bucket Head: I AM. I want to poop out a baby! 

I don’t really remember what happened next, because I was laughing too hard.

And end scene. 

hide and seek bucket head

 

Welcome to Funky Town, population: ME.

Have you ever unwittingly rounded the corner in your own home only to discover one of your children doing something SO stinkin’ cute you thought your heart would pop right out of your chest and roll down the hallway?

If you are a parent, you surely have. Even if your babies are the fur baby variety, this is probably a familiar scenario. Right?

And of course, you never have a video camera rolling at that moment, or even a camera of any kind within arm’s reach.

God forbid you were to run for said camera because you just KNOW that by the time you returned the moment would be gone.

So you freeze and hold your breath and press the “record button” in your mind, hoping to never ever ever forget what you are seeing.

Well, as luck would have it, I walked in on my 4 year old son Bucket Head getting down to the song Funky Town by Lipps Inc. the other day. You know the phrase “dance like nobody is watching”? That is exactly what I witnessed. I’m telling you, it was a sight to behold.

But it wasn’t just his resplendent dance moves, oh no. Homeboy was singing along while he was shaking his money maker.

I held my breath and slapped my hand over my mouth so I wouldn’t chortle and ruin the moment, but once I gathered my wits about me, I realized he was totally botching the lyrics in the most delightful way…and not just because of his well-documented speech impairment.

You know the part in the song that goes “…talk about it, talk about it, talk about it, talk about it…”?

Bucket Head was singing:  “…taco body, taco body, taco body, taco body…”

Hand to God. I will never be able to sing it any other way for the rest of my  life. Instant classic. I’m talking, “Hold me closer, Tony Danza” classic. 

As predicted, once he realized I was watching, he froze up like a deer in the headlights. But because his performance was such a show shopper, I thought I might be able to get him to do a repeat performance on camera.

Boy oh boy, was I wrong.

The following is what we’ll call Just Another Precious Motherhood Moment:

This is why seasoned professionals know better than to star alongside children or animals.

Live and learn. And probably do laundry and/or tend to my personal hygiene more often.

yours truly,

-Iris

Linking this up to Yeah Write because something tells me that those bloggers know a thing or two about how to bring the funk to any potluck.

ADDENDUM: This post won “Lurker’s Favorite” over at Yeah Write this week, which is purdy durn awesome, if you ask me! Thank you Erica and Q!

Muffins with Mommy, aka “Get a lock on your bedroom door.”

Yesterday was “Muffins with Mommy” at Bucket Head’s preschool.

There were muffins.

There were Mommies.

And there was a presentation in which the preschool teachers took turns reading aloud each child’s previously transcribed responses to the “My Wonderful Mommy” questionnaire.

The teachers swear there was no coaching and that they honored the children’s exact words.

Want to know a secret about my Mommy?

"Want to know a secret about my Mommy?"

 

{Ahem.}

The basic template for the questionnaire is something like this:

1.) My mother is the ______________ mother in the whole world.

2.) My mother can ______________ better than anyone else.

3.) She is also very good at ________________.

4.) My mother’s favorite thing in the whole world is ______________.

5.) My mother works very hard ______________.

6.) When my mother’s work is done, she likes to ________________.

7.) She looks especially nice when she wears her ________________.

As you can well imagine, this little activity is nothing short of a recipe for total heart-melting cuteness and/or utter humiliation.

Boy howdy, the moms sure did learn a lot about each other yesterday. And because I’m a giver, I’d like to share some of our secrets with you in the form of these darling cards I made especially for the occasion at someecards.com.

 

someecards.com - Gee, Timmy, I'm glad I don't have the only Mom in our class who is really good at forgetting stuff.

 

someecards.com - My Mommy likes to take lots of naps on the couch.

 

someecards.com - My Mommy is really skinny. She likes to exercise, drink special juice, and clean things.

 

someecards.com - Mom, how'd you get so darn good at doing those donkey kicks?

 

someecards.com - Your daughter is right. You DO look your best when you're not naked.

 

someecards.com - Sorry your kid told everyone at school that

 

So yeah. Teachers of young children know a lot more about us than we realize. Note to self: give extra special teacher gifts this year.

very nervously yours,

-Iris

PS – Linking up with my peeps over at the Yeah Write community, my favorite one-stop-shop for the BEST posts of the week by 50 up and coming bloggers!

© 2019 The Bearded Iris

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑