The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: mom jeans

Have Pantsuit, Will Travel.

Can you believe I’ve NEVER been a bridesmaid?

With this fashion sense and these dance moves?

I know. Me neither! So I’m just putting it out there that I am available for weddings, vow renewals, and commitment ceremonies…vintage pantsuit optional.  Call me.

For more details about my qualifications to be in your bridal party, please read my weekly column In The Powder Room today.

And speaking of my fancy pantsuit, I’ve received a lot of comments/questions/concerns about it since the debut of my dance video earlier this week.

This has given me the idea to introduce a new semi-regular feature here at The Bearded Iris called “Ask Iris.” You can submit your burning life questions to me via email at iris <at> thebeardediris <dot> com or using the handy dandy form on my contact page. Please include “Ask Iris” in your subject line so it doesn’t get lost with all my porn.

So anyhoooo, back to the sisterhood of my traveling pantsuit. Here’s a pic of me struggling with my camera shyness in 1992 at a summer hotel job “Tacky Party.”

OMG. How cute was my sidekick there? I have always had a weakness for men with ascots and Travolta-esque chin dimples.

But I digress. Let’s answer your questions:

Q: What. The. Fuck…are you wearing in that dance video. You look like Mrs. Roper went off her meds after a long night in the back room at the Regal Beagle.

A: Funny you should mention because I am off my meds, and could use a good couple of minutes correcting forms with the Wite-Out if you know what I mean. What I am wearing is a vintage one-piece fully lined disco halter romper circa 1975. The fabric is a sparkly silver totally non-breathable polyester blend. The pant legs are flared and accordion pleated.

Q: Where on earth did you get that incredible garb?

A: I bought this baby at The Goodwill in the late 1980s. I was starring in a sorority revue of The Wiz (as Addaperle) and wanted to wear something FABULOUS. Can I get two snaps and a twist?

Q: How is it possible that you still have something you bought over twenty years ago?

A: Oh honey, have you never seen my vintage 80s Mom Jean collection? I am probably one peanut shell collection away from starring on an episode of Hoarders.

Q: And you still fit into it? Dude!

A: It’s very stretchy and forgiving, unless you get a good look at me in it from behind, then duck and cover!

Q: How do you clean it?

A: I don’t.

Q: OMG. You bought it at The Goodwill, from a dead disco queen, and you’ve never cleaned it? Do you have crabs?

A: Not anymore. I think the heat from the polyester kills all the crotch critters. Besides, I don’t go commando in it! Gross!

Q: Does it smell?

A: Yes: horrible. Do yourself a favor and keep your distance.

Q: Is there a special compartment in the pants for your enormous hairy balls? Because I have never seen anyone make such an ass out of themselves ON PURPOSE, and with a straight face.

A: Grandma? Is that you? Nice try. You know I keep my balls freshly shorn.

Alrighty then folks. I hope that answers all your burning questions about my vintage pantsuit. If you have any suggestions for how I should launder that mofo, please let me know. It really is all kinds of stanky. But on the plus side, there are NO moth issues in my closet.

Hey, great news: today is the LAST day of whoring for votes on that Top 25 Funny Moms contest. I’m currently holding steady at #5 in spite of a few star-studded last minute entries. If you can spare two more clicks today to help lock-in my place on the list, groovy. If not, I understand. There are probably lots of other women out there who will sacrifice their dignity and retinal health for your entertainment.

with love and sequins,

-Iris

I love the 80s. My labia doesn’t.

Howdy pardners! It’s week 18 over at Org Junkie‘s 52 Weeks of Organizing challenge! This week Laura’s topic is Functional vs. Fabulous.

Last week I successfully conquered my floordrobe (the ginormous pile of clothes on my bedroom floor) and sent tons of goodies to the local thrift store. This week I thought I’d take advantage of that momentum and scoot on over to my bedroom closet for a little hand-to-hand combat.

It’s a bigger project than I thought it would be.

In fact, I’m no where near being able to do “the big reveal.” So instead, I think I’ll just show you the linen closet that I reorganized back in January.

But first, just a sneak peak of why it is taking me so long to clean out my closet:

I’ve been trying on EVERY…SINGLE…ITEM.

Why, yes, these jeans ARE from the late 1980s.
How did you know? The acid wash or the 9 inch zipper?

If you think THAT is bad, you should see the legs…
they’re tapered and end right at the ankle.

And yes, those are cows painted on the jeans. As in “mooooo.”
I know. It wasn’t cool in the 80s either.

And as for the overall fit? Not okay. Downright painful, truth be told.
In fact… if you look a little closer:

Yowza. The things I do for you people. {You’re welcome.}

So yes, it is taking me longer than I anticipated to go through my wardrobe. Turns out I’m a bit of a pack rat! Who knew? But don’t worry, this camel-toe coozy is already at the thrift store. I probably should have attached a shoe horn to the belt loop for the next owner. Sorry, next owner.

Listen, ladies, if you own any jeans that showcase the precise outline of your labia majora, you need to get rid of those suckers. Nobody wants to see that. Well, nobody except the folks over at Monistat. To them, your denim-encased camel toe is like money in the bank.

So anyhooo….

Way back in January, I reorganized my linen closet in preparation for a visit from my mother. Knowing her the way I do, I did NOT want her to see my towels in such disarray:

I knew that if she opened this little closet to grab a towel for her shower, one of the following scenarios would certainly unfold:

a.) she would inadvertently grab the NASTIEST rag I own to use for her bath towel. I’m talking about the rag I reach for when a toilet overflows or one of my kids projectile vomits all over the ceiling. Not cool. I love my Mom. She deserves the nicest towel in the hizzy… not the toilet towel.

b.) she would attempt to organize the messy closet on her own, not knowing what is what. She would then either toss something important or not toss anything for fear that it was important. Long story short, waste of her time and it would undoubtedly piss me off.

c.) she would grab me by the earlobe, drag me to the closet, and force me to clean it out on my hands and knees while she stood over me with an axe, which would be extremely unpleasant for both of us. Wait, is that my mom or just a movie I saw once. Oh who cares… it’s a great visual. I’m keeping it.

Yep, you guessed it: I decided to avoid all of these situations and just clean it out before she arrived. It wasn’t rocket science. I got rid of a bunch of junk and neatly folded the rest.

And here’s what it looked like when I was done:

One thing I figured out a long time ago was to NOT keep all our sheets in the one centrally located linen closet. I think I came up with that when we moved into this house because the linen closet is so tiny.

Every bed in my house has two sets of sheets. Those sheets get washed, folded, and stored as a little bundle inside its matching pillowcase, in the room where the sheets get used. This is brilliantly easy for weekly (let’s just pretend) sheet changes. No hunting about or trying to figure out which sheets go with which bed!

Added bonus: I have more room in my linen closet. And now that I got rid of a lot of the other junk that was in there, there is even room for my vacuum. That was by far the biggest improvement. Before the closet reorganization, my vacuum was always just out in the hallway because there was nowhere else to stash it. Now it has a dedicated home. Everyone in the family always knows where it is and where to return it when they’re done with it. Love that!

One other quick tip – I added two extra large cup hooks to the inside of the linen closet door:

The one on the left is for a pair of scissors. No more biting the tags off of new clothes!

The hook on the right is for a bunch of feathers on a stick. I have no idea what that thing is for but the kids enjoy playing with it once in a while.

Alrighty, friends. That’s all I have this week. I hope your organizational projects have been as fun as mine have been, but with significantly less vaginal irritation.

very truly yours,

-Iris

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