The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: marriage is hard

What drives a woman to kill her husband with a coffee mug?

I don’t watch a lot of news these days.

It’s a conscious choice. My soft little brain simply just cannot tolerate all the negativity and fear mongering. It brings me down. Big time.

So I go about my business most days, pretty oblivious about breaking news stories. It’s usually not until someone asks me point blank “Are you going to boycott Chick-Fil-A?” or “Can you believe that douche canoe said women can’t get pregnant if they are ‘legitimately’ raped?”

And then I usually go scrambling for the Google so I can at least marginally participate in all the pithy banter going on around me in cyberspace and the carpool line.

But as fate would have it, I was passing through the family room this morning while The Gatekeeper was watching the news and I couldn’t help but hear the tail-end of a story about a 70-year-old high-ranking umpire on the U.S. professional tennis circuit who allegedly bludgeoned her 82-year-old husband to death…with a coffee mug.

True story. Couldn’t make it up if I tried. Lois Goodman was arrested yesterday and charged with murder. She was in New York at the time to officiate the U.S. Open tennis matches.

There I was, eyes and ears riveted to the TV, standing behind the love seat, right next to my husband’s big bald head…and holding a coffee mug.

It was my second cup of French Roast and it was damn good.

He sensed me standing there behind him, holding that coffee mug, and looked over his shoulder at me like “Don’t even think it.”

But of course, I had already thought it! How could I not? I was holding a coffee mug.

It was like his big bald head had a red target on it.

Luckily for him, my cup was full and I have my priorities.

So instead, I just snickered and said a quick prayer that Lois gets a judge and jury of women who have been married for 50 years.

I mean really.

Girlfriend used A COFFEE MUG…

…to bludgeon her octogenarian husband…TO DEATH.

I’m just trying to imagine what led up to that ultimate moment when she snapped and decided that repeatedly bashing his liver-spotted melon with a coffee mug was the best course of action.

Some possible scenarios:

Him: “Hon, we’re out of Splenda again.”
Her: “OH SUCK IT, Alan. If you want Splenda, put it on the God damn grocery list. I’m not a fucking mind reader! No, you know what? Fuck that fucking shit. I’ve got your Splenda right here, Bub.” {WHACK WHACK WHACK.}

or perhaps…

Him: “Wait, Lois, where are you going? You have another match today? I thought you were going to take me to get a hair cut at the Walmart.”
Her: “Hair cut? Jesus Christ, Alan. Didn’t we just get your hair cut two weeks ago? Ugh, I am so sick of being your damn taxi driver. You want a hair cut? YOU WANT A HAIR CUT?! I’ve got your hair cut right here, Bub!”  {WHACK WHACK WHACK.}

or maybe…

Him: “Lois, what’s a 5 letter word for bother?”
Her: “I’m trying to get out the door, Alan. I’m going to be late for my match. Get the Thesaurus, okay? I’ll call you later, bye.”
Him: “Oh fine. But could you please stop on the way home and pick me up some Metamucil? Oh and also, we’re out of Popsicles. I don’t like the generic ones. Get the real thing this time.”
Her:  {WHACK WHACK WHACK.}

or the most likely scenario:

Him: “Good morning honey.”
Her: “DIE MOTHERFUCKER!” {WHACK WHACK WHACK.}

Yeah, it’s probably good I don’t watch the news more often.

Now where the hell is my husband going with all our coffee mugs?

Men! {sigh}

 

 

How to Communicate with Your Special Someone

A good friend recently forwarded me this handy communication guide, suggesting I print it out and place it in my husband’s wallet:

DANGEROUS

SAFER

SAFEST

ULTRA SAFE

What’s for dinner?

May I help you with dinner?

Where would you like to go for dinner?

Here, have some wine.

Are you wearing that?

You sure look good in brown!

WOW! Look at you!

Here, have some wine.

What are you so worked up about?

Could we be overreacting?

Here’s my paycheck.

Here, have some wine.

Should you be eating that?

You know, there are a lot of apples left.

May I get you
a piece of chocolate with that?

Here, have some wine.

What did you DO all day?

I hope you didn’t over-do it today.

I’ve always loved you in that robe!

Here, have some wine.

Come on. It’s funny, because it’s true… which inspired me to make today’s Just the Tip Tuesday post all about communicating with your special someone.

The Gatekeeper (my husband) and I have a challenging time communicating now and then. Oh, who am I kidding… all the time. He thinks it’s just a man vs. woman thing. That’s part of it, sure. Men and women are definitely wired differently. Maybe if I included words like “bacon” and “blow job” in more sentences, he’d listen better. And he’d definitely have my undivided attention if he poured me a glass of wine and gave me a foot massage. No lie.

If you ask me, I think our failure to communicate is often a byproduct of our fast-paced, high-tech world. Too many distractions, information overload, and connecting through Tweets and texts are the makings of a piss-poor-communication-sandwich.

Maybe it’s a timing issue too. He loves to talk to me while I’m writing. And I seem to always have something important to tell him the minute he picks up his Crackberry. These conversations never end well. Two days later someone is always lamenting, “But I TOLD you I needed to leave at 5:15!”  or “We talked about this…I need those shirts for my business trip tomorrow.” Oh sure… you may have TOLD me, but was I actually listening? Apparently not. Here’s a rule of thumb in my house: if the fingers are moving, the ears aren’t working.

Recently, I’ve discovered that The Gatekeeper and I have our best talks when we go for walks together (without the kids). No technology, no distractions, just fresh air and exercise. There is probably some scientific reason why walking and talking go so well together. I don’t know why it works, I just know that it does.

Try it. It’s good for your health AND your relationship.

But if that isn’t an option, try one of these adorable talking plastic animals by Camilla Fabbri at Family Chic.

Seriously. How cute is that?! I’m pretty sure she designed this idea to communicate with her kids in a fun, fresh way; but I think you could use well-placed talking plastic animals to communicate effectively with anyone!

Instead of nagging your honey for the nth time about their incessant late night snacking, maybe a cute little plastic piggy placed on the pantry shelf holding a card that says “I love you. Now drop the Cheez-Its so you can lose 15 lbs. and grow old with me.” Just a thought.

Or instead of having to verbally reject your hunka-hunka-burnin’-love when they want a little sumpin’ sumpin’ and you’re curled up on the couch in your L.L.Bean flannel nightie with the heating pad and a bottle of Midol, why not strategically position a little pink pony holding a note that says “IOU”? It’s honest, caring, and direct – three tenets of good communication!

In summary, communicating effectively is an important part of any relationship. Show your special someone you care by stepping away from the keyboard, taking a walk together, utilizing small plastic animals in your home, and/or avoiding difficult conversations via strategically poured glasses of wine.

I’m here to help.

-Iris

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