My husband and I have been watching a lot of TV at night lately. I mean A LOT… like entire-seasons-of-things-in-three-days-a-lot.

The good news is that there is some great stuff on TV these days: Downton Abbey, The Walking DeadOrange is the New Black, Call the Midwife

The bad news is OMG, I HAVE WATCHED HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS OF TV THIS SUMMER.

Maybe it’s time for some TV detox.

At least until the new season of The Walking Dead.

But until then, all this couch-time reminded me of a list I wrote last year. It might be new to you, and it will give me a chance to make my family room look and smell less like one of those Febreze commercials.

 Nine things I will never say at home:

#9   “Here Honey, you hold the remote.”

#8   “Could you please turn down the TV? I want to be able to hear the kids… and you, eating those grapes.”

#7   “You know what would take my mind off these cramps? A big black dog all up in my biznatch.”

#6   “NOOOOOO! For the love of all that is Holy, catch the fucking BALL!”

#5   “Wait—let ME answer the phone! It’s probably your Mom and I’ve been dying to hear all about her new chair. It swivels, you know!”

#4   “Mmmm, these throw pillows smell awesome.”

#3   “Nah, who needs a Ryan Gosling movie? Let’s go upstairs and keep the lights on.”

#2   “Microwave S’Mores? Gross! I’d rather have one ounce of unsalted raw organic fair trade almonds, thanks.”

#1    “I can’t see the TV; my boobs are in the way.”