The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: housekeeping

Hair in my freezer?

I was a very busy girl two weeks ago getting ready for my Pampered Chef party! (Which was very nice, thank you for asking!) In addition to cleaning out my car (like a dumb ass) and my freezer (because what’s a successful kitchen show without a squeaky clean deep freeze?), I also beat my kitchen drawers into submission. Amazing how much you can get done when your dog’s in the hoosegow and you’re in a flat-out panic about having people over!

So since I did three projects in one week (take THAT To-Do List!), I took a break from organizing this week and spent as much time as possible getting Ike readjusted to life on the outside. We had his invisible fence relocated so that he can’t be in the front yard anymore (without me). He’s having a hard time getting used to the change and doesn’t want to be anywhere but by my side, which is just fine by me. Sure did miss him. Did not, however, miss having to use the Dome of Doggie Despair everytime I turn my back. Some things never change.

Okay, enough chit chat. I know you want to see some nasty before pics and shiny after pics, don’t you?

Let’s start with the freezer.

Before:

…a friggin’ mess. Every time I opened it I was sure something would fall out and break a toe. Want to know a dirty little secret? We’ve lived here 8 years, and I don’t think I’ve ever really cleaned this puppy out even one time in all those years. Oh, the shame!

So I unloaded that bad boy…

And wiped that sucker down. Naturally I used my new Shaklee Basic H2 All-Purpose Spray… it’s organic and safe and not smelly. Here’s some more info about it. It rocks. Get some.

So the two most disturbing/entertaining things I found in my freezer are this:

… some nasty old freezer-burned broccoli stems. Seriously? Did I really think I would make soup or something with those? Why do I save things like this? I mean really. Here’s an idea… buy less food, have less waste.

And this…

… that’s a snowball. Aren’t my kids brilliant? Nothing more surprising than a snowball attack in the middle of summer. Bless their hearts. It really did snow here in Georgia, a lot, this winter. In fact, we were snowed in for a whole week in January. Not pleasant.

Hmmm, what an atypical scene... Mini-Me giving Frosty a lap dance and the Light of the World shining down on, oh I don't know... who could it be... is the chosen one... my Bucket Head?

But back to the freezer. I tossed a bunch of old stuff and put everything else back in a neat and orderly fashion. Not rocket science. And it didn’t take me very long either. I should do this more often! Maybe then I wouldn’t find dog hair in the bottom of my freezer. Oh Lord, at least I hope that was dog hair. You never know in this house. Did I tell you my husband is Italian? (Very hairy… fine lookin’ as all get out, but the curtains do not match the the rug, if you get my drift.)

"the curtains"

"the rug"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Back off, Cheryl. He’s mine. (Isn’t he a gorgeous hunk of man meat though?)

But again, I digress.

So now my freezer is sparkling clean and not the least bit hairy. Look how I’ve neatly arranged my freezer packs for the kids’ lunch boxes! Obviously, I need to group all the green ones together. My word, what is wrong with me?!

Got meat? I do! And it’s neatly stacked. Look at how my Tilapia is clearly labeled with the date. I’m fabulous.

My favorite part of my newly cleaned freezer? The “V” shelf.

“V” is for veggies and vodka.

Well, look at the time. I guess I’ll have to show you my clean kitchen drawers another day. But thanks for visiting and please stop back again!

As always, I’m linking up to Organizing Junkie. Also for the first time, linking to Organize with Sandy.

your friend,

-Iris

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

The Booger Heard ‘Round the World

Two bloggers. Two different hemispheres. One vision (largely impaired by too much clutter, dirt, and booze). Exposed for all the world to see as Housekeepers of Ill-Repute, Proprietresses of Dubious Maternal Instinct, and Woefully Neglectful Wives.

Here they are, flashing their dirty bits in the first of three simultaneous postings. Click here to read the sister-post.

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It all started with a booger.

A single booger, which I found stuck to a semi-freshly painted wall in one of my kids’ bedrooms.

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What? Can’t see it? Oh sorry… let me help you with that:

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It was the proverbial straw that broke this camel’s back. That wall is painted with Behr Premium Plus paint in Shortgrass Prairie, 760D-5. It is my favorite paint color in the whole house. My husband and I lovingly painted that room as a peace offering to our oldest child for having to switch bedrooms when our third and final baby was a few weeks shy of  becoming a “fire in the hole!”

I noticed that booger the other day and bitched about it via email to a fellow mother/blogger friend I had recently met through the wonders of the Internet. “Not Drowning Mother” or “NDM” was very empathetic. “Kids are disgusting,” she agreed. Even Australian kids, it turns out. She said “I’ll see your booger and raise you a whole Wall of Mysteries, showcasing a full range of human excretia.” And thus, a plan for a tell-all “simulpost” was hatched.

However, there was so much material that we decided it wasn’t fair to only focus on the kiddies and their nastiness. We would have to out ourselves as well. And in addition, why stop at only housecleaning (or lack thereof)… we also found loads of common foibles in the areas of child rearing and husband tending. But for simplicity, we decided to break it into three separate simultaneous, intercontinental, photo-filled posts.

So here is my portion of part one. A photo-essay on the squalor in which I live. Some of it is kid-induced. Most of it is my own damn fault. All of it is bad enough that I actually did apply to be a home on “Oprah’s Clean Up Your Messy House Tour,” and they actually ARE considering me as a potential guest for the show. No lie. But I don’t want to jinx it, so let’s just leave it at that for now.

Oh, one more thing. You may be wondering why on Earth we would choose to air our dirty laundry like this, and why now? It’s simple, really. A new year begins tomorrow. A new year filled with the promise for change. I am always abuzz with excitement at this time of year! Excited for the potential for living a better life and creating a better life for my family. But I am also a real fan of using one’s talents and treasures to help others. Thus, if I can help even one overwhelmed woman to feel better about her life by comparing herself to the trainwreck that is my home… well, so be it. You are welcome, overwhelmed woman! You are clearly not alone. But you better get on the stick, lady… because I am seriously going to get my shit in order this year. I fucking mean it this time. And once I do, you WILL be alone. So join me, won’t you? Let’s turn over a new leaf (or scrape an old booger off the wall) together.

And now, more proof that your home is cleaner than mine:

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, my kids fingerpaint with toothpaste on you to have a ball!"

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, my kids fingerpaint with toothpaste to have a ball!"

...but why stop at mirrors? Every surface in my home is a canvas for dirty, sticky fingers.

...but why stop at mirrors? Every surface in my home is a canvas for dirty, sticky fingers.

Every surface is an equal-opportunity canvas. Yeah, that's a permanent marker. Good times.

Every surface is an equal-opportunity canvas. Yeah, that's a permanent marker. Good times.

never a dull moment, or surface...

never a dull moment, or surface...

Alright, let me explain. I was worried that NDM was going to show me up with her Wall of Mysteries, so I went on a fact finding mission to locate anything of equal nastiness. It didn’t take long. Here you see a permanent party favor from Klepto’s not-so-recent bout with the stomach bug. Yes, friends, that is the “popcorn” ceiling in the master bathroom, and the stains you see are the remains of her regurgitated cheeseburger. Beat *that*, NDM!
But they don't only create messes... sometimes they help me clean too. See? No rinsing required.

But they don't only create messes... sometimes they help me clean too. See? No rinsing required.

Typical kitchen counter any given day... notice clothes, crafting supplies, dirty dishes, an iPod, food...

Typical kitchen counter any given day... notice clothes, crafting supplies, dirty dishes, an iPod, food...

... the aftermath of letting Bucket Head help me unload the dishwasher. This should really be filed under "Good Parenting" and not "Kids are disgusting."

... the aftermath of letting Bucket Head help me unload the dishwasher. This should really be filed under "Good Parenting" and not "Kids are disgusting."

drowning in a sea of dog hair and dust bunnies.

... poor Ernie: drowning in a sea of dog hair and dust bunnies.

... my "craft corner" in the basement... only it is too messy to work in, so I have taken over every other surface in the house. You can see where my kids get it...

... my "craft corner" in the basement... only it is too messy to work in, so I have taken over every other horizontal surface in the house. You can see where my kids get it... bad Mommy. Bad, bad Mommy.

I've taken over the dining room table as well...

... underneath this mountain is our dining room table. Who has time to put things away with all this writing and crafting and present wrapping and booger scraping to do?!

Wow. That’s impressive, even for me. Who else do you know with a six year old plaster casting of her breasts and pregnant belly just sitting on the dining room table? I’d love to take credit for the gorgeous Mermaid-Nymph painting on that belly, but I commissioned an incredibly talented artist/sistah/friend to do it. I have BIG plans to turn that sucker into a night-light for Klepto’s room. Yeah, plans that have been in my head for 6 years. Sigh. Which reminds me…

"Iris, telephone! It's Oprah. She is repulsed by your messiness and thinks the rest of America will be too."

"Iris, telephone! It's Oprah."

“Take a message, dammit. I’m writing.”
Yeah. Right. Happy New Year, ya’ll! And happy cleaning!

©2008 The Bearded Iris

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