The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: holidays

The Return of Dobbie, The Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

Today marks the one year anniversary of Dobbie’s Big Debut. If you’re just joining us, Dobbie is my family’s Elf on the Shelf, and he’s a little, uh…mischievous, you might say.

He was pretty popular around the blogosphere last year for his lewd and lascivious antics. He even finished in second place as one of the Top 11 Inappropriate Elves over at Baby Rabies’ Inappropriate Elf Contest for that time he wrote his name in the snow.

Dobbie writes his name in the snow by The Bearded Iris #InappropriateElf

Ah, good times.

Pretty ironic that he would become so popular because I never even wanted that little so’mbitch.

He was an ambush gift from my mom to my kids and I just knew he was going to be trouble. Like I needed to add one more labor-intensive holiday tradition to my already overflowing plate of Christmas duties.

But I begrudgingly let Grandma be the hero and give the kids the one toy they’d been so desperately coveting.

And long story short, we all fell in love with him.

Even my beloved kitty Gracie (RIP) enjoyed his company. These shots were taken last year and were part of my story about having to improve upon my husband’s lame attempts at Elfing. (Bless his heart.) That’s one of my all-time favorite posts, by the way. (And the photo below is the one I’m entering in this year’s Inappropriate Elf Contest at Baby Rabies.)

Dobbie plays Scat Scrabble #InappropriateElf by The Bearded Iris

Dobbie plays Scat Scrabble2 #InappropriateElf by The Bearded Iris

I sure do miss that sweet cat. She was the best. {Sigh}

This year, Dobbie the Elf arrived on Saturday, December 1st.

I clipped his little hands to one of the blades of the ceiling fan, turned the fan on low, and went to bed.

I would give anything to have a video of my kids’ reaction when they discovered him.

They were watching TV in the family room that Saturday morning, and it wasn’t until my husband said, “Hey, why is the ceiling fan on?” that they looked up and noticed Dobbie spinning around and around, with his little felt legs splayed out behind him like he was holding on for dear life.

Believe me when I say my kids went absolutely apeshit. “IT’S DOBBIE!!! HE’S BACK!!! HE’S ON THE CEEE-WING FAN!” (sic) shouted Bucket Head.

And that, my friends, is what this Elf thing is all about.

It’s not about comparing yourself to other mothers. It’s not about having to “remember to move the fucking elf.” It’s not about rules or obligations or judgement.

It’s about bringing joy to your kids. 

And let me tell you something about my kids: the horse apple didn’t fall far from the horse, if you know what I mean.

Elf on the Shelf Dobbie on the crapper by The Bearded Iris #InappropriateElf

Toilet humor—works every time.

And if you can make your husband laugh along the way with little surprises like this?

The Elf on the Shelf Dobbie has a mouth like a trucker by The Bearded Iris #InappropriateElf

Even better.

Oh easy there, Mother Superior. My kids never saw that. By the time they woke up that day, the egg carton was closed, and the elf was in a much more family-friendly position…

Dobbie The Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf licking a large turgid candy cane by The Bearded Iris

…licking an enormous, turgid candy cane.

Because there’s nothing inappropriate about that, right?

May your holiday season be filled with joy, laughter, and plenty of minty freshness.

Yours truly,

PS – Please follow me on Pinterest for more Elf fun and Christmas humor!

Follow Me on Pinterest


I put the HO in hostess gifts

Traveling this holiday season? Staying with friends or relatives? Eating a holiday meal somewhere besides your own home?

For the love, take a hostess gift! 

Just don’t make the same mistake I made once and give your hostess something she actually needs.


Was it?

A.  A Pinterest-inspired vintage blue mason jar filled with wrinkle cream, a high-powered mini-magnifying mirror, and tweezers

B.  A gift basket of various feminine deodorant products

C.  A lovingly wrapped set of parenting books including The Exorcist, How To Tell If Your Child Is a Sociopath, and Would It Kill You To Discipline That Little Asshole?

D. Something even more offensive

Read Me In the Powder Room!You’ll have to come and read my story In The Powder Room to find out (and then gasp, and then shake your head and make the tsk-tsk sound.) It’s okay. I deserve it.

See you over there.



I rode the Pink Pig!

No, that’s not a euphemism.

It’s the title of a cute little keepsake book which I received for attending the annual ribbon cutting ceremony of the Macy’s Pink Pig holiday train.

It’s THE annual holiday tradition that Atlanta families have been treasuring for nearly 60 years.

I know what you’re thinking: only in the South would they wrap a holiday ride in bacon. 

But come on. Bacon really does make everything better! And The Macy’s Pink Pig is no exception.

Apparently it dates back to 1953 when it was known as “Priscilla the Pink Pig Flyer.” It used to be suspended on a track above the downtown Atlanta Rich’s Wonderland of Toys.

(YIKES! You could not have paid me a million pink cupcakes to get in that thing!) But over time, the ride has evolved a bit. These days, The Pink Pig is no longer suspended in the air. And no longer does it resemble a pink paddy wagon. Now it’s just an open-car kiddie train that goes around a big circle (twice) like a regular kids’ choo-choo train ride.

And it is as kitschy as kitsch can be. Which means I absolutely LOVED IT. My favorite part? The cheesy 1960’s game show music playing in the background. So funny! And the story told over the loud speaker while you ride the train has a great message about the importance of doing what you love and being true to yourself in order to be happy.

I am clearly enjoying this more than anyone else in my train car.

My kids actually loved it too, even though the photo above indicates otherwise. Bucket Head (the 5-year-old) thought the train ride part was a little scary, but he’s very easily spooked and doesn’t like a lot of noise. (Especially the noise of his mother shouting “ISN’T THIS FUN, YOU GUYS?! ARE YOU HAVING FUN? I AM!”)

Truly, from the moment we got there, my kids were pretty excited.

My husband? Not so much. But don’t listen to him. He rarely emotes, unless Ohio State is playing.

Macy’s Lenox Square is doing a special promotion this holiday season where you can eat breakfast with Priscilla the Pink Pig! There are two opportunities: Saturday, November 17th, and Saturday, December 15th. And the tickets will benefit Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta!

Reservations are required and seating is limited. I’ll post details at the end of the post. If you go for the breakfast with Priscilla, here are some of the fun things you’ll experience:

Breakfast, face painting, storytelling, endless pink treats, a spin on the train, and a complimentary photo package with Priscilla! And the gift shop? OH MY ‘LANTA!

Word of advice for the menfolk: you might want to eat something at home before you go because if you are a big eater, you will not get enough food there. And there was no coffee at the ribbon cutting breakfast; so if that’s important to you, hit a coffee shop on the way. The kids and I were quite happy with our pink pancakes, sausage, and yogurt with granola, berries, and pink gummy piggy, but my husband definitely left there hungry and under caffeinated. (Bless his heart.)

My kids also loved getting to pose with Priscilla in front of the green screen. Bucket Head seemed to find Priscilla particularly, um, attractive…

We had to pay extra for 2nd base.

All in all, if you are looking for a fun, philanthropic, family event near Atlanta where you will be treated like a VIP and create memories your kids will treasure for a lifetime, go have breakfast with Priscilla the Pink Pig. For reservations or more info, call 770-913-5877.

PS – It’s located on the upper deck parking lot of the Macy’s at Lenox Square Mall in Buckhead. The train and gift shop are under a large white tent, but the breakfast is served outside, so dress for the weather.

Disclosure: I am a member of the Everywhere Society and Everywhere provided me with compensation for this post about Macy’s.  However, all thoughts and opinions expressed herein are my own.

© 2015 The Bearded Iris

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑