The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: grammar

You people are sick (and me likee)

Yesterday I published a new post In The Powder Room about homophones (that’s phones, not phobes) and it flopped like my 32-Longs at 7:30 PM every night when I toss my Playtex 18 Hour Hydraulic Lift onto my bedroom chair (where it patiently waits to frighten me the next day):

the bearded iris has a bra stuck to her back

Frankly, I’m a little surprised the homophones post wasn’t a bigger hit, because it was all about naughty sentences. I used words like ‘humping,’ ‘lascivious,’ ‘cavernous areas,’ and funny pimp names. But no, apparently I have ruined you people with my gecko penis pornography.

Yes. I now know that gecko money shots are like a drug, and once you’ve developed a taste for them, you are no longer satisfied with *boring* things like vocabulary and grammar lessons.

I blame myself, really.

I have done this to you.

My gecko groin saga has touched so many of you…and it’s touched you deeply. One reader emailed me yesterday to share:

I’m almost 8 months pregnant and so I have been having crazy delivery dreams. Well last night I delivered a healthy baby boy: half gecko/half baby. And hilariously it had two hemipenises…most of the dream was spent trying to find diapers and clothes that worked! So thanks for the laughs and strange dreams! ~Tannith

I also heard from a funny fellow blogger who was so dazzled by my gecko’s perma-bone that she wanted to blog about it:

Hi Leslie!

I hope your family gecko’s penis is doing better. Who knew all that junk was wrapped up in those scales. In fact I was so impressed that I would like to get permission from you, and of course the gecko seeing it was *his* penis, to include a couple of pictures you posted in an upcoming post about how I’d like to walk a day in his shoes for a writing prompt. I mean seriously, that’s the luckiest gecko in the world. Most people would have left his little lizard pecker hanging out….Please let me know what you think. And just a heads up, if my penis ever pops out, I have left directions with my husband to call you.

~Kari (@Kbar3)

So don’t worry friends. I hear you loud and clear: no more vocabulary or grammar lessons, and more lusty lizard tales. Got it.

Come on back tomorrow for the next installment of Batman’s tell-all diary. But until then, please make sure you know the difference between throws/throes, affect/effect, elicit/illicit, and more. M’kay? Trust me, anyone who reads your words will thank you.

Yours truly and now with exposed reptilian sex glands,
-Leslie

Your ellipsis is showing

Welcome back for Week #2 in my Back-to-School series of tips for bloggers!

Last week I shared a basic typesetting rule that blew a lot of you away.

Yes, many of us who learned to type either on a typewriter or from a teacher who learned on a typewriter had it drilled into our little heads to insert two spaces at the end of each sentence.

Ring a bell?

Well stop that! Your PC/Mac is NOT a typewriter. 

Unless you’re specifically using a fixed-width font like Courier, one space is plenty between sentences. Go read last week’s post if you’re just joining us and need more details. Continue reading

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