The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: funny women

Words With Friends, The Best Misogynistic Game Around!

Sorry folks, but we need a couple more days to tally the votes for the Craft Whores contest. This is our first link-up partay, and the judging has turned out to be a little more challenging than we thought it would be!

As a consolation prize while you wait, let’s talk about Words With Friends.

It’s the Scrabble knock-off that’s one of the hottest games on the Internet these days.

Are you playing?

I play every day. It’s how I keep my brain so sharp. (Where are my fucking keys?! Dammit!)

And one thing I’ve noticed is that this game is totally misogynistic.

How else do you explain that vagina-related words like queef, cunt, and clit are unacceptable words but dong, balls, fart, and wang are fine?

Clearly, the creators of WWF prefer sausage to eggs. I’m just saying.

Look, I’m not making this up. Here’s a screen shot from one of my recent games:

The hell? My opponent, thoova, played the word FART, and then when I tried to play the female equivalent, I was DENIED. Total double standard.

So annoying. Good Q words are hard to come by.

At least TWAT is an acceptable word. Score one for the pink team.

Anyhooo. These are things my WWF comrades and I complain about on the Twitter in between moves.

And that’s where you can usually find me during coffee breaks in the morning and commercial breaks at night. My username is “The Bearded Iris” if you’re looking for a WWF partner with the sense of humor of a 12-year-old boy.

More soon on the Craft Whores contest. Damn, if y’all hadn’t linked up such awesome crafts, this would have been so much easier to judge. I blame you and your vagtastic crafts, really.

With QI, JO, and ZA,
-Leslie

 

The mother of embarrassing moments

I’m In The Powder Room today sharing my most embarrassing moment. Well, one of them, anyway. It’s a doozy. Come see for yourself. People are already thanking me in the comments over there for making them feel better about themselves. Ah, what can I say? It’s a gift.

And speaking of embarrassing moments, we’re offering a two-for-one special at In The Powder Room today!

Remember my friend Kerry from HouseTalkN? She’s the one who created the #bloggersdance party. We met in person at the Haven Conference in Atlanta last June. She’s a hoot! LOVE HER.

Kerry and Leslie at the Haven blog conference last June.

Well I brought her In The Powder Room with me today to share one of her most embarrassing moments too.

Birds of a feather, and all that, you know.

See you over there!

-Leslie

How to break the ice at a blog conference.

I’m on my way into the big city today for my second day of the Haven Conference. It’s a blog conference specifically geared at DIY/Home blogs and it’s been an absolute HOOT so far. These women are incredible. For such a creative group, they sure have great business minds. I have met so many warm and engaging ladies who are beyond generous with sharing their knowledge and talents.

This has been a great conference for me…nice and small, local so I can sleep at home, and very inspiring. I’m so glad my friends, Kerry of HouseTalkN’ and Kristy of Living Life (Un) Simply, talked me into going with them! {Love love love!} They are even more fun in person than they are on Twitter, if you can even imagine.

Kerry texted me the day before the conference and said “You are in charge of keeping me from making an ass of myself, btw…”

Surely she must have meant to send that to someone else. I’m more of an ass-enabler than an ass-preventer, as you can probably tell.

Kerry is a HOOT.

Yep. That’s Kerry. And that’s just how she greets Internet friends. Can you imagine what her family reunions look like?

Kerry’s also a former teacher, and she gladly conducts impromptu workshops on things like ambush dancing, unconventional greeting phrases like “You’re so cute, I just want to breast-feed you,” and all the latest gang symbols.

That there little gesture can mean a variety of things…like “form a diamond defense” in basketball,” or “does this dress accentuate my flesh belt?” According to one gal Kerry knows, it is also the international sign for vagina. Hey, the more you know. So ladies, if you ever find yourself in a setting where it would be considered uncouth to use anatomically correct Latin-based terminology, like, oh I don’t know, the Michigan House of Representatives, you can always just flash this hand signal instead.

Or just do what I do and try to work the word vagina into as many conversations as possible.

“Hi, I’m Leslie! No, I’m not really a DIY blogger, unless you include the DIY tips I share about vaginas. Oooh, I love your bag! Did you sew that?! Do you sell those? I used to sew, but then I had kids. Now I can’t even find a pair a scissors when I need them. Sometimes I fix stuff around my house like refrigerators. What’s your blog about?”

See? It’s easy. And totally not offensive. It’s just a body part like any other…knee, eye, vagina. I honestly do not understand what the big whoop is. Vagina, vagina, vagina.

Vagina.

Okay, gotta go. Don’t want to be late for day two! Vagina.

your friend,
Leslie

PS – my comments are closed for the summer, but you can chat me up on Twitter and Facebook, and please do! I miss you guys. Vagina.

Bridesmaids: A Movie Review by Iris Beard

I like to think I know a thing or two about what’s funny. And I have to tell you, the movie Bridesmaids is, without a doubt, the funniest movie I have ever seen in my entire life. Really. I’m not exaggerating this time.

Melissa McCarthy, Wendi McLendon-Covey, Ellie Kemper, Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph and Rose Byrne.

Now granted, I’m partial to physical comedy and bathroom humor, so if that isn’t your bag, well, this movie might not rock your world as hard as it’s rocked mine.

But honest to God, there is one scene, no kidding, that had me laughing so hard I was shrieking like a banshee. And then the shrieking morphed into uncontrollable tears. Weeping, actually, but in a good way. I had to take my glasses off and wipe my eyes and face with my greasy popcorn napkin. I was THAT gone.

And here’s something you need to know about me… I’m a tough crowd. It takes A LOT to make me laugh out loud. And not just because I’m one of those people with a silent but convulsing laugh, which I am. No, it’s also because my tolerance is so high… like a lush who requires an extra big glass to get buzzed.

When my date Tammie and and I were leaving the theater, I was still giggling about the scene where Maya Rudolph’s character is leaving the bridal boutique. I don’t want to spoil it for you, but I was acting it out in front of the theater when two women sitting on a bench nearby said out loud, “Oh, you must be the ladies who were laughing so hard! Wasn’t that movie hilarious?!” And that was AFTER a woman had stopped us in the ladies room to ask what movie we had just seen, because then too, we were giggling our asses off.

And I can’t stop thinking about it. In fact Tammie just called me a few minutes ago to rehash some of our favorite scenes, and she was still cackling like a hyena. She also asked me to research the topic of asshole bleaching because neither of us had ever heard of it. Christ, I’m so glad I’m an old married lady and not dating anymore… the crazy shit the young girls do today! I mean really?! Who cares what color your butthole is? I thought you couldn’t get any more extreme than Brazilian bikini waxes, but apparently you can. Damn. Imma have to ask my husband about this one. Can’t you just hear me, Hon? Will you watch the kids Saturday morning so I can run up to the salon? I made an appointment for a mani/pedi. Oh by the way, while I’m there… should I make my chocolate starfish vanilla?  What. The. Fuck.

Anyhooo, I told Tammie I want to watch Bridesmaids about 20 more times and study it to learn how to write a successful {romantic} comedy screenplay. I really think there could be a college level film class based on this movie and why it works. But I’m looking forward to speaking with some of my film buff and movie making friends to see if they agree.

It wasn’t just the writing though, which I just read Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo completed in six days. The casting was absolutely magical. The way the women play off each other is a sight to behold. I have to say my favorite was probably Wendi McLendon-Covey, who plays Rita, the exasperated mother (go figure.) And it’s not just the ladies… the guy who plays the romantic lead, Chris O’Dowd, is flat-out adorable. And Jon Hamm as the booty-calling dickwad? Perfect.

I was shocked to learn that the “explosive” bridal boutique scene wasn’t part of the original screenplay but rather was something Judd Apatow convinced them to add during the filming. He’s the wickedly funny producer of Superbad (one of my favorites!), Knocked Up, and The 40 Year Old Virgin. I was kind of hoping that Kristen Wiig had written this scene because I think it’s about time we ladies claimed a share of the bathroom humor action. We’ve seen it a million times before from the menfolk: Dumb and Dumber, Along Came Polly, Austin Powers, etc. But kudos to Apatow for recognizing that it’s EVEN FUNNIER coming from women. And major props to the cast for absolutely nailing this scene. Unexpected and brilliant. Truly.

My only issue is that after watching this movie, I am afraid for the future of comedy. The bar has been set so high now – I can’t imagine it getting any better. And also, now that the barrier of anal bleaching has been breached, what else is there? Shoot, remember when Charlie Chaplan was funny? And then Jack Lemmon? And then Mel Brooks movies? After Bridesmaids, what else is there? And based on this trend, how much more will it take to make our kids laugh when they’re our age? {Sigh.} Take my word for it, movies are just going to get grosser and grosser from here on out. And personally, I say bring it!

Just go see it. Then we’ll discuss.

yours,

-Iris

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