The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: funny kids

Mary, your baby is 42 pounds. And he’s giggling.

Last night was the Live Nativity at our church. We participate in it as a family every year and it is always the highlight of our holiday season.

In a nutshell, we set up 8 outdoor scenes depicting Mary and Joseph’s journey to the manger and we guide groups of visitors through the scenes, singing Christmas carols and telling the story as we go. All the actors are children and we bring in live animals for most of the scenes. It’s epic, and I don’t use that word lightly.

I wrote about our first experience with it a few years ago. Frankly, I’m surprised we ever went back for more after Mini-Me’s traumatic accident during practice and then the whole donkey poop issue.

But the kids love doing it, so we sign up again every year.

For our first three years, Mini-Me played an angel. It was not a speaking role. All she had to do was look cute and sing. Piece of cake.

Mini-Me and Donkey our first year in the Live Nativity, 2008. She was 6 years old.

We had so much fun, Mini-Me’s big brother Nature Boy decided to join the cast as a shepherd the following year (2009).

Nature Boy (10) as a shepherd and Mini-Me (7) as an angel with animals in the stable, 2009.

The last two years, he has wanted to be a Magi with his BFF. They have an alpaca in their scene. They love the alpaca.

I’m always a shepherd. It’s the only day of the year the neighbors aren’t wondering why I’m outside in my bathrobe with a curtain on my head.

Iris, Nature Boy, and an alpaca butt.

This year, Mini-Me decided she wanted to be THE Virgin Mary in the climactic final scene…

Why yes, that IS a rooster on a leash.

…the super-pregnant Virgin Mary who has just lined a manger with fresh hay so she has a place to put the newborn baby Messiah she’s expecting any minute.

It’s a major speaking role.

{GULP!}

I was fine with that. She’s got a dramatic flair, as you know.

But I didn’t realize the exact depth of her storytelling skills until I overheard a conversation she was having with her little brother, Bucket Head.

“Now you hide under my gown and when I give you the signal, you POP out and cry like a newborn baby. Okay?”

“Should I be naked?”

“Definitely.”

Naturally, I put the kibosh on it when they went to get the ketchup.

“Guys, stick to the script please. Mary doesn’t actually give birth during the show, sorry to disappoint you. Jesus isn’t born until Christmas day,” I scolded (trying not to laugh).

I had visions of Bucket Head’s curly mopped impish face crowning betwixt Mary’s white gown folds reminiscent of Jack Nicholson in The Shining: “Heeeeeeere’s JESUS!”

I was also more than a little nervous about Mini-Me thinking it would be glamorous to be an unwed pregnant teen someday so I made sure to drop a few phrases like “ring of fire” and “incontinence” when she asked me if wearing a pillow is what it feels like to be pregnant.

“Aw Mom. We’re just kidding. But that would be a funny Christmas card for next year, wouldn’t it?” Mini-Me suggested.

(Cue the shock and awe.)

So I got my Christmas miracle early this year: the Live Nativity went off without a single hitch. Everyone had a blast and rocked their parts. And yes, they all stuck to the script. (Just to be on the safe side, we sent Bucket Head to his Nonni’s house for the majority of the show.)

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight.

-Iris

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris. All rights reserved. Support your local perineum.

It’s just a phase…I hope.

So we took the whole mishpucha to the local Farmers’ Market the other day. I have as much fun people-watching at these places as I do noshing on the free samples.

Keeping track of three kids in a crowd is never easy. Even with two adults, we’re always playing zone defense. Bucket Head, the 4 year old, makes it extra challenging. He’s small, he’s fast, and he’s mischievous. It’s like  playing “Where’s Waldo” 24/7, minus the striped hat.

At some point between the cheese table and the fresh flowers, I lost him…again. Frantically scanning the crowd, I was not watching where I was going and bumped right into this gorgeous lady:

I was so startled to feel FUR on my face that I think I may have yelped a little. {Like, “Oh my God, kids…why did your Dad take his shirt off at a farmers’ market?!}

Oh phew! It’s just a little dog…

…in a Baby Bjorn.

Wait…what?

Thankfully, she was very nice about the fact that I had just accidentally groped her little dog and she permitted me to take some pictures. Personally, I was just relieved that I hadn’t accidentally “yiffed” someone in public. Oh just google it, Grandma. I don’t have time to explain all the freaky new sex fetishes the kids are up to these days.

I had never seen a dog carried in this manner before, so I chatted her up for a minute. While we were talking, Bucket Head appeared out of nowhere.

"May I please pet your fur-baby?"

He was entranced with this pretty Mommy and her pets. And she was so sweet to him!

She totally let Bucket Head pet her fur-baby. (Not a euphemism.)

Then Bucket Head got caught up in the moment and decided to let his Freak Flag fly:

Yep. That’s my boy…smelling her dog’s crotch. I was all: “Heh-heh-heh {nervous laugh}…he’s going through a phase where he likes to smell stuff. Just ignore him and he’ll stop.”

Luckily for us, she was very understanding. Plus, with Bucket Head’s speech impairment, she had no idea what the hell he was saying.

"Mmmmmm. Your fur-baby 'mells so dood!"

Oh my God…look at the poor humiliated dog! She’s looking away like, “Really? First you put me in this ridiculous baby carrier and then you let strange kids smell my junk? Just wake me when it’s over.”

You and me both, my diminutive hostage canine sister.

Just another day in the life,

-Iris

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris. All rights reserved. Get your own fur baby.



Something even better than cat shit!

When my friend Nora said “call [Iris] a mommy-blogger and get your ass kicked,” she was just kidding. Or maybe it was a typo and she meant to say “get your ass kissed.”

Just thought I’d put that out there, because as luck would have it, I have been nominated by one of my scrumptious readers for Babble.com’s Top 50 Mom Blogs of 2010!!!

I mean seriously. What a sweet surprise! So much better than finding the Trail of Tears my cat created with her magic butt brush the other day…

Although, not quite as good as finding a little face in the used tampon receptacle in the ladies’ room that one time. That’s a gift that just keeps on giving.

When Maggie nominated me the other day, I was ranked at #891. But after a few friends helped to spread the word on Facebook, my rank (last I checked) has rocketed all the way to #111. That’s out of 994 nominated blogs! Very exciting!

If you are here reading my schtick and you enjoy what you see, would you please vote for me? It’s a little tricky, but I think you can handle it. Step one: go to this link.

Step two: sort the list by “popularity.” (Here’s a pic to show you where to do that, Mom…I highlighted the sorting tabs in yellow.)

 

 

Step three: at the bottom of the screen, navigate to page 3 and look for The Bearded Iris. If I’m not on that page, that means I am already on page 2, doing the Mom Jeans Fist Pump and embarrassing the shit out of my kids.

When you find The Bearded Iris in that list of 994 nominated Mom Blogs, click on the “I like this blogger” thumbs up symbol. Then pat yourself on the back for doing something nice for someone else. Remember, what goes around, comes around. Justin Timberlake said so.

And if you couldn’t find my name, try sorting the list alphabetically and navigating to page 17 at the bottom of the screen. I should be somewhere around there. If you still can’t find me, God help you. You clearly have no business being on the Internet. Go play Mahjong or watch a Murder She Wrote marathon. (I’ll call you later, Aunt Doris.)

Okay friends, if you are still with me so far, you deserve a special treat! Bucket Head got ahold of my iPhone yesterday and recorded a song using my favorite new app: Songify. It’s so easy, even a four year old can do it. Even an undersupervised four year old with a speech impediment whose favorite words are: penis, butt, ffffomit, and dajina. Enjoy!

Bucket Head Might Have Tourette’s (Like His Mama)

giggling like a school girl,

-Iris

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

 

“I look just like you now, Mommy.”

While visiting with one of my aunts in Pittsburgh last week, Mini-Me was handed a big box of random craft supplies to keep her busy while the adults were cooking for a party.

This is the first thing she extracted from the bowels of that box. And this is the first thing she did with it…

Nice. (Ahem) Maybe I should give that laser hair removal thing another go?

Yours,

-Iris

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.


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