The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: fun with kids

Man, that was a really big wave.

My kids are all back in school, and I’m finally going through some summer photos.

Boy howdy, we sure did have some fun this summer. We went to visit one set of my parents in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware for a week. East Coast beaches are my favorite. The water is dark and wild at times, so you have to be on your toes.

You never know when a really big wave is going to clobber you, which just adds to the fun.

But you know what’s really fun?

…layering two bathing suits and tricking your kids into believing that the huge wave you just ate actually hit you so hard that it knocked your bathing suit right off your tuchus and onto your head.

 

 

It gets them every time.

And honestly, is there any sound in the world better than your kids laughing?

 

 

Nope. It’s the best.

 

 

Look at that face on my daughter. Priceless. Totally worth the potential shame of crawling out of the surf with a wet tankini bottom on my kisser.

Props to my Step-Dad Donn for picking up my camera when he suspected something was up and capturing one of my favorite memories of the summer. He’s good people, yo.

What’s your best fail-proof way to crack up your kids? (I need some fresh ideas.)

-Leslie

Shall we dance?

Here’s something you might not know about me: I LOVE to dance. 

And the way I see it, if you love doing something, you’re automatically good enough at it to just go ahead and put it out there, Devil may care.

So when my friend Kerry from the stylish and hilarious blog HouseTalkN challenged invited a few of her friends to make videos showcasing our favorite dance moves, I jumped at the chance to join in the fun.

I don’t care how depressed you are, if you put on your fanciest get-up and start dancing in your kitchen, people will just show up and join you. And it’s really hard to feel down in the dumps when your whole family is shaking their money makers to The Commodores.

So here’s my contribution to Kerry’s Dance Challenge. I hope you enjoy watching it as much as I enjoyed making it!

To see the rest of the Dance Challenge Vlogs, please visit these fine ladies. I recommend you empty your bladder first unless you are wearing a fresh Poise Pad. Holy moly!

HouseTalkN

Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva

Angela Shelton

And don’t forget, you only have three more days to vote for your favorite Top 25 Funny Moms. Just click this link and then click the “thumbs up” sign next to your favorite bloggers. You can vote once every 24 hours until March 21st for as many bloggers as you wish. Thank you!

with lots of endorphins and glitter,

-Iris

I’m learning to love and/or fear my Elf.

The Elf on the Shelf. You either love it or you hate it.

I’m not sure where I fit on that spectrum yet.

My kids pestered me for one of these things for YEARS and I said no, no way, forget it, I don’t care what everyone else has, and aw hayle no. I knew my limits. I had heard all the stories at the bus stop about these things and all the messes they make.

Like I need MORE messes. Bitch, please. I have three kids, two pets, and the hairiest husband in North America. We’re all set, thanks.

I had read about the moms who sprinkle glitter all over their homes in a trail-like formation so the kids can track down the Elf by following the glittery trail around their otherwise immaculate open floor plan. Shoot, I don’t vacuum enough as it is. Last thing I need to do is intentionally add to the funk on my floors.

In my home, I was certain the Elf would get lost in a dog-hair-tumbleweed and we’d never see him again. Or with our luck, the dog would find him first, eat him, and poop out his mangled head for the kids to find in the yard one day, scarring them for life. No thanks.

And then there were all the overwhelming rules and tips I kept hearing. “You can’t touch them.” “They eat cookies and hot cocoa.” “You can catch one in a lollipop trap!” “They love to make snow angels in powdered sugar!”

You’re effin’ kidding me, right? Lord only knows what I’d wake up to if I intentionally spread powdered sugar on my kitchen floor overnight. Nothing says Happy Birthday, Baby Jesus like a swarm of disease-ridden vermin.

My friends tried to get me to drink the Elf Kool-Aid by espousing the incredible disciplinary value. One of my stepsisters even said she wished she could keep the Elf out all year! “Clean your rooms or the Elf will tell Santa and you’ll get coal in your stocking!”

Oh come on now. Really? My kids clean their rooms in exchange for the best prize of all: the opportunity to continue living here. This is what is wrong with kids today. They need to be bribed to do everything! I don’t need no stinkin’ Elf for this. I just tell them what my crazed single working mother shouted to me and my brother numerous times: “I swear to GOD…I will call Santa and tell him not to come. Is that what you want? Is it?! ANSWER ME!”

Hey, it worked. Santa always came.

But then last year Grandma “discovered” The Elf on the Shelf and mailed my kids one right after Thanksgiving. She was so darn excited about it that I just didn’t have the heart to say no anymore.

And when I saw how grateful the kids were for Grandma saving the day and providing for them what their mean old hag of a mother refused to do for years, I totally caved.

The kids named him Dobbie. (Original, I know. They wanted to name our Black Lab “Blackie” too.) And it was pretty cute to see them bound out of bed every morning last December to search for him.

I have to admit, seeing the excitement on their faces made me totally want to come up with more and better ways of cracking them up everyday. When I remembered to do it, that is. There were definitely more than a few mornings when the kids heard that “Dobbie must be really tired today. Poor guy!”

By far, their favorite memory of Dobbie last year was the morning they found him hanging from the ceiling fan, spinning around and around. Minimal effort. No mess. Laughing kids. That’s my kind of Elf action.

Dobbie’s been back at the North Pole all year, but he reappeared yesterday, ready for action.

Apparently, Santa runs a pretty tight ship. When Dobbie got here last night, he obviously needed to blow off some steam. Kinda reminded me of my Uncle Jeb when he first got outta the joint.

Turns out, Dobbie likes to party.

This is how I found Dobbie this morning. I was afraid of the kids telling their friends and teachers about Dobbie’s drinking problem, so I told Dobbie to do like I do and hide the evidence.

He didn’t like that idea at all. Apparently Dobbie had crossed the line from Happy Drunk to Belligerent Drunk.

I told him to get his shit together before the kids woke up and when I turned back around to see if he was cooperating, I saw this:

 

I’m a little scared of Dobbie now. But the kids thought it was hysterical. Even little Bucket Head was making jokes and speaking in a demonic voice saying “Who wants Dobbie to butter their toast? HA HA HA!”

Thanks Dobbie. Thank you for giving me a reason to slow down a little and have a moment of fun with my kids every day. I admit it, I used to hate you, but now I think you’re pretty cool. Just put that big knife away, m’kay?

warmly,

-Iris

If I were rich, I would buy this.

Fellow parents, do your children have boundless energy? Are you tired of shouting “Put that down/don’t touch that/quit jumping on that/how many times have I told you not to play ball in the house?!” Have you ever wished you could place your wild child in a giant plastic hamster ball and let them safely run themselves ragged?

Well have I got the product for you!

Ladies and Gentlemen, please allow me to present: Euro Bobble.

That’s right. I kid you not. You can pay cash money to have your child zipped into a giant plastic bubble. Unfortunately, it is only temporary as the carnies running the joint keep a strict 5 minute timer. But still. Best $7 (per kid) I ever spent. Ever.

We found this modern marvel at a mall called Discover Mills in Lawrenceville GA. Coincidentally, it is located just outside of an Airsoft shooting range.

Check out Mini-Me… she is so coordinated and strong that she could actually stand up in the damn thing and run like a rabid hamster on a mission.

Nature Boy wanted to try that too!

Ready…

Set…

DOH!

Actually, he preferred the “Crocodile Death Roll” move:

Followed by his signature stance: “The Hammock”:

It was almost as much fun to watch the spectators as it was to watch the kids. Check these two out. I’m imagining grandma over there thinking: “Aw hell no. That girl is crazy!” And the dude in the red shirt is catching it on his cell phone to prove to his friends at home that he actually once saw someone get up and run in one of those things.

… for about 2 seconds. Followed by:

“The Face Plant.”

But a safe face plant. As you can see, no children or bystanders were hurt in this process:

"That was SO awesome!"

 

Followed by:

 

“Please, can we do it again?!”

 

Naturally the answer was no.

 

"Aw, man."

 

To which I replied: “Oh Puh-lease/Don’t start/Just be thankful…” What kind of Euro-Device do they make to deal with that?

Yours truly,

-Iris

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