The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: cat shit

Pet Therapy

“Honey, pass the peas, please…. Bucket Head, stop licking your pork chop!… Who set the table? Nice job on the napkins, Mini-Me…. Oh, I forgot to tell you, Vincent has a band concert on Thursday; can you get home early?… Hey you guys, who wants Mommy to have another baby?”

“MEEEEEEEEEEE!” the kids all screamed simultaneously while my husband’s eyeballs popped out of his skull and rolled into his mashed potatoes.

Wait. What?

Did I really just say that? Out loud?

And my kids actually WANT me to have another baby?

What the what?!

I’m 43 years old. My husband had a vasectomy nanoseconds after Bucket Head’s birth. I have no business thinking about another baby.

And yet, I do. I think about it. Continue reading

Something even better than cat shit!

When my friend Nora said “call [Iris] a mommy-blogger and get your ass kicked,” she was just kidding. Or maybe it was a typo and she meant to say “get your ass kissed.”

Just thought I’d put that out there, because as luck would have it, I have been nominated by one of my scrumptious readers for Babble.com’s Top 50 Mom Blogs of 2010!!!

I mean seriously. What a sweet surprise! So much better than finding the Trail of Tears my cat created with her magic butt brush the other day…

Although, not quite as good as finding a little face in the used tampon receptacle in the ladies’ room that one time. That’s a gift that just keeps on giving.

When Maggie nominated me the other day, I was ranked at #891. But after a few friends helped to spread the word on Facebook, my rank (last I checked) has rocketed all the way to #111. That’s out of 994 nominated blogs! Very exciting!

If you are here reading my schtick and you enjoy what you see, would you please vote for me? It’s a little tricky, but I think you can handle it. Step one: go to this link.

Step two: sort the list by “popularity.” (Here’s a pic to show you where to do that, Mom…I highlighted the sorting tabs in yellow.)

 

 

Step three: at the bottom of the screen, navigate to page 3 and look for The Bearded Iris. If I’m not on that page, that means I am already on page 2, doing the Mom Jeans Fist Pump and embarrassing the shit out of my kids.

When you find The Bearded Iris in that list of 994 nominated Mom Blogs, click on the “I like this blogger” thumbs up symbol. Then pat yourself on the back for doing something nice for someone else. Remember, what goes around, comes around. Justin Timberlake said so.

And if you couldn’t find my name, try sorting the list alphabetically and navigating to page 17 at the bottom of the screen. I should be somewhere around there. If you still can’t find me, God help you. You clearly have no business being on the Internet. Go play Mahjong or watch a Murder She Wrote marathon. (I’ll call you later, Aunt Doris.)

Okay friends, if you are still with me so far, you deserve a special treat! Bucket Head got ahold of my iPhone yesterday and recorded a song using my favorite new app: Songify. It’s so easy, even a four year old can do it. Even an undersupervised four year old with a speech impediment whose favorite words are: penis, butt, ffffomit, and dajina. Enjoy!

Bucket Head Might Have Tourette’s (Like His Mama)

giggling like a school girl,

-Iris

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