The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: Bucket Head (page 2 of 6)

“Mommy, how did I get out of your tummy?”

I’ve told you before that our dinner conversations tend to be pretty, uh…colorful, much to my sweet husband’s dismay.

Well, we had another doozy this week.

This was one of those moments when you wish you had a video camera rolling. But since I didn’t (do we ever when we really need them?), I’ll have to attempt to reenact the dialogue from the way I saw it unfold.

It went a little something like this…

Mini-Me (10 y.o. girl): Mom, have you ever missed the bus and had to chase it to get on?

Me: I don’t think so. I had to walk to school when I was your age. But I did have to run my hardest through an airport once to catch a flight. You were with me, do you remember that?

Nature-Boy (13 y.o.): I remember that. You were crying and we were all running.

Mini-Me: You were crying? In an airport? RUNNING? With us? I don’t remember that!

Me: Well I was about 6 months pregnant with Bucket Head and we were going to Arizona to visit your Bubbie and Zaydie, and we were super late, and my e-ticket wouldn’t work, and it was a mess. But yes, we had to run, HARD. I was crying because I was stressed out and afraid. We made the flight though. Nobody wants to get in the way of a sprinting pregnant lady.

Bucket Head (5 y.o. boy): You mean, I was in your tummy and you were running in an airport? That’s so silly, Mom.

Me: Yep. You were in my tummy…and you were HUGE.

Bucket Head: But Mom? How did I get OUT of your tummy?

(Mini-Me and Nature Boy’s eyes widened with excitement and/or fright.)

Mini-Me: (stage whisper) Should I tell him, Mom?

Me: NO. Don’t tell him yet. Not now. We’re eating. Daddy doesn’t like when we talk about stuff like that at the table. And I should tell him, not you. But thanks for the offer.

Bucket Head: Does the doctor cut the baby out?

Me: Sometimes. Pass the sour cream, honey.

Bucket Head: Well one time? The news was on? And Mommy was up in her room texting? And I saw a Mommy having a baby on TV. She was going like this [he grabbed the table with both hands, tightly shut his eyes, and made a sustained difficult pushing sound] and then she pooped out her baby…right out of her BUTT! I don’t think I was supposed to be watching that show.

The rest of us: ::giggle::

The Gatekeeper: You have to tell him now. You can’t let him think that babies get pooped out.

Me: It’s not totally inaccurate. Remember the sausage and peppers?

The Gatekeeper: Dude. We’re eating.

Me: (To GK) You said to tell him! (To BH) Right, you probably shouldn’t have been watching that show, buddy. But no, that mom didn’t poop out her baby.

Bucket Head: Really? Because it looked like it was coming out of her butthole. And it was all gross like poop.

Me: Most babies come out of their Mommy’s vagina.

Bucket Head: WHAT? (Deadpan face.)

Me: Vagina. Babies get pushed out of vaginas. And it’s hard work, so Mommies have to push and grunt and it’s messy. But it’s awesome.

Mini-Me: (Very concerned) But mom? A baby’s head is like this big, and a vagina is only that big. Do vaginas stretch out THAT much? (Holding her hands out like the size of her dinner plate.)

Me: Yep.

Mini-Me: How long do they stay stretched out like that?

Me: Oh…pretty much forever. Why do you think I wear such big pants?

The Gatekeeper: (Slowly shakes head in defeat.)

Mini-Me: I’m never having sex, ever.

Bucket Head: I AM. I want to poop out a baby! 

I don’t really remember what happened next, because I was laughing too hard.

And end scene. 

hide and seek bucket head

 

My Top 5 Most Popular Posts of 2012

Good God it’s cold.

I need a laugh. How about you?

But I’m busy waxing cabinets today (not a euphemism) and thought it would be fun to look back on my most popular posts of last year.

Top 5 Popular Posts at The Bearded Iris in 2012

 

According to page views, here are My Top 5 Most Popular Posts of 2012:

ermahgerd blogher12 guidebook5.) ERMAHGERD: The Preparing for BlogHer’12 Edition

This post was written a few days before I flew my freak flag all over New York City for the BlogHer ’12 conference. Getting ready for a conference that big brings out the cray-cray in everyone, so it is no surprise that so many people stopped by to see me raising the bar on what to wear and how to behave. The comments are even more fun than the post…particularly because The Bloggess herself stopped by to say hello. Schwing!

 

Aw nuts button4.) Aw, nuts. Or, how puppies and testicles are related. 

Have a seat boys and girls and let me tell you the story of my sweet little Bucket Head and how he discovered his nutsack.  Actually, I’m surprised this one isn’t higher on the list because I honestly think it is the funniest thing I’ve ever written. If you are new here, this is THE ONE. Please check it out and let me know if you think it’s as funny as I do!

 

iris hospital2-13.) I put the FREAK in freak accidents

Not all freak accidents are funny, or have a happy ending, but I seem to have a knack for inflicting really stupid injuries on myself, and according to the comments on this post, SO DO YOU! Oh-em-gee, you guys are even klutzier than I am, and I adore you for it! Solidarity, yo!

 

pissed2.) I might have to change grocery stores after this.

If you have ever experienced the frustration of shopping with a four-year-old, well-meaning strangers who interfere with your parenting, or the soul-crushing disappointment of bait-and-switch gum ball machines, this is the post for you. If you are a humorless troll, this is also the post for you. Frankly, it’s not my best work, but it really raked in the page views because of the train wreck factor of the comment thread. Read the comments and marvel at the awesomeness of the parenting blog community who came to my defense against a few trolling a-holes.

 

Elf on the Shelf Dobbie on the crapper by The Bearded Iris1.) The Return of Dobbie, The Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

Yes, Dobbie returned, and he was more ornery than ever. In fact he was so popular this year that I found several different citizens of Facebook cropping off my watermarks and claiming my inappropriate elfing as their own work. (Douche-waffles.) Sadly, Dobbie was not crowned one of Baby Rabies’ Top 11 Inappropriate Elves this year because the competition was just too stiff and I did not do a very good job asking for votes. Oh well, in my heart Dobbie will always be a winner.

Thank you for being here with me. You are the lead in my #2 pencil.

(Heh heh heh, I said #2.)

~Leslie

The Return of Dobbie, The Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

Today marks the one year anniversary of Dobbie’s Big Debut. If you’re just joining us, Dobbie is my family’s Elf on the Shelf, and he’s a little, uh…mischievous, you might say.

He was pretty popular around the blogosphere last year for his lewd and lascivious antics. He even finished in second place as one of the Top 11 Inappropriate Elves over at Baby Rabies’ Inappropriate Elf Contest for that time he wrote his name in the snow.

Dobbie writes his name in the snow by The Bearded Iris #InappropriateElf

Ah, good times.

Pretty ironic that he would become so popular because I never even wanted that little so’mbitch.

He was an ambush gift from my mom to my kids and I just knew he was going to be trouble. Like I needed to add one more labor-intensive holiday tradition to my already overflowing plate of Christmas duties.

But I begrudgingly let Grandma be the hero and give the kids the one toy they’d been so desperately coveting.

And long story short, we all fell in love with him.

Even my beloved kitty Gracie (RIP) enjoyed his company. These shots were taken last year and were part of my story about having to improve upon my husband’s lame attempts at Elfing. (Bless his heart.) That’s one of my all-time favorite posts, by the way. (And the photo below is the one I’m entering in this year’s Inappropriate Elf Contest at Baby Rabies.)

Dobbie plays Scat Scrabble #InappropriateElf by The Bearded Iris

Dobbie plays Scat Scrabble2 #InappropriateElf by The Bearded Iris

I sure do miss that sweet cat. She was the best. {Sigh}

This year, Dobbie the Elf arrived on Saturday, December 1st.

I clipped his little hands to one of the blades of the ceiling fan, turned the fan on low, and went to bed.

I would give anything to have a video of my kids’ reaction when they discovered him.

They were watching TV in the family room that Saturday morning, and it wasn’t until my husband said, “Hey, why is the ceiling fan on?” that they looked up and noticed Dobbie spinning around and around, with his little felt legs splayed out behind him like he was holding on for dear life.

Believe me when I say my kids went absolutely apeshit. “IT’S DOBBIE!!! HE’S BACK!!! HE’S ON THE CEEE-WING FAN!” (sic) shouted Bucket Head.

And that, my friends, is what this Elf thing is all about.

It’s not about comparing yourself to other mothers. It’s not about having to “remember to move the fucking elf.” It’s not about rules or obligations or judgement.

It’s about bringing joy to your kids. 

And let me tell you something about my kids: the horse apple didn’t fall far from the horse, if you know what I mean.

Elf on the Shelf Dobbie on the crapper by The Bearded Iris #InappropriateElf

Toilet humor—works every time.

And if you can make your husband laugh along the way with little surprises like this?

The Elf on the Shelf Dobbie has a mouth like a trucker by The Bearded Iris #InappropriateElf

Even better.

Oh easy there, Mother Superior. My kids never saw that. By the time they woke up that day, the egg carton was closed, and the elf was in a much more family-friendly position…

Dobbie The Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf licking a large turgid candy cane by The Bearded Iris

…licking an enormous, turgid candy cane.

Because there’s nothing inappropriate about that, right?

May your holiday season be filled with joy, laughter, and plenty of minty freshness.

Yours truly,
Leslie

PS – Please follow me on Pinterest for more Elf fun and Christmas humor!

Follow Me on Pinterest

 

Announcing the winners of the “Find Me” book giveaway…

I am thrilled to announce the five randomly selected winners for the Find Me If You Can! book giveaway I posted last week!

Their names are listed in the Rafflecopter widget below:

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Congratulations, guys! I know your kids are going to love this book as much as Bucket Head and Mini-Me do! Be on the lookout for an email from me with details on how to claim your prize.

Not a winner?

Awwwww…don’t think like that, Boo. You’re a winner just for being here and learning about this book before it goes viral and everyone and their mother already has 3 copies. Don’t you love feeling like one of the first people to hear about something cool? I know I do. BOOOYAH!

Besides, you can still get 10% off your entire order at Bammco.net by using my super secret promo code BUCKETHEAD. But hurry, that code is going to expire this Saturday at midnight. So don’t delay.

And if you’re just joining us and don’t know what all the fuss is about, check out my video review of this wonderful new book that your kids are going to love. You’ll be glad you did.

Thanks everyone!

The Wheels on The Bus Go Sob Sob Sob {Sniffle}

I have been waiting for this moment for exactly 2,226 days…

 

…ever since that fateful day in July of 2006 when I peed on a stick and discovered the light at the end of the tunnel was not as close as I had previously thought.

 

 

And now, instead of dancing a jig and wailing “FREEEEEEDOM” a la William Wallace over Mimosas with my girlfriends, I am rocking in the fetal position and smelling the tags of Bucket Head’s comfort turtle, wondering where the past 5 and 1/2 years went and if I can talk The Gatekeeper into reversing his vasectomy.

So really, please look away. There is nothing to see here today.

 

 

But if you need a good hearty belly laugh, please go visit my beloved blogging sister Kim at Let Me Start by Saying. She has chronicled in brilliantly graphic detail one of my least favorite moments from BlogHer ’12. It is an absolute must read.

Yours truly, and missing my baby,
Leslie

Does your bathroom smell like a truck stop men’s room?

Today for Just the Tip Tuesday I’d like to step outside of my comfort zone and talk about something I normally don’t discuss: pee. You know, urine, number one, tee-tee, tinkle, piss, mellow yellow, the golden stream of relief, that which is produced when the main vein is drained.

It’s obviously outside of my comfort zone because I clearly prefer to talk about poop. But I had a pee-related problem, I needed a solution, and I found one worth sharing. I’m a giver, what can I say.

I have three kids. One of them is a five year old son whom I affectionately refer to as Bucket Head. He is pretty popular around here.

But what you might not know about this curly headed cherub of a boy is that Bucket Head has terrible aim when he pees. I don’t know if he gets distracted or he just doesn’t give a hoot, but that child sure makes a mess every time he takes a whiz.

my-distracted-tinkler2

I would tell him to just go outside all the time, but I once caught him pinching a loaf in the front yard (with his back to the street, no less!) Also, he’s about to start Kindergarten and I just can’t afford the ramifications of him not fully understanding when it is and is not acceptable to go outside.

So inside he stays and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to remove the toilet seat and scrape the dried boy pee off the back of my toilets. It really bums me out.

And let’s not even discuss the fact that I foolishly chose to install white semi-gloss wainscoting in my powder room, the only room in my home that we’ve completely remodeled.

Well the other day, while using said powder room, I noticed a horrible smell. I kid you not, it smelled like a truck-stop men’s room (just guessing). It was absolutely disgusting. I figured that Bucket Head had gone in there and done a fire-hose impersonation and that all I needed to do was clean the toilet (and possibly wipe down the walls).

Wrong.

Nothing I did worked. I scrubbed and scrubbed, and still…the smell of old urine haunted that room as if it were being visited nightly by a hobo convention.

I was pissed! (See what I did there?)

So I did what I usually do, and I Googled.

And I found a potential solution! It was from Anna Moseley of Ask Anna. She’s a lovely lady. I have used her cleaning tips a number of times and I actually met her at the Haven conference last month. (At a Waffle House, where I was getting my hash browns on…smothered, covered, and capped, yo.)

Anna wrote a post all about getting rid of “boy bathroom smell.” I followed her directions to the letter and it worked!

In a nutshell, Anna said to:

1.) Make a paste with baking soda and freshly squeezed lemon juice (a natural disinfectant.) I used one lemon, it was plenty.

2.) Apply the paste liberally to all the places around the toilet that get a lot of over-spray, especially the base of the toilet.

3.) Let it sit for 15 minutes.

4.) Then spray it with white vinegar and wipe it down with a damp rag.

She also suggested spraying white vinegar on the other surfaces surrounding the toilet and then wiping that with a damp rag too.

I had to take that one step further because of the wainscoting and I used an old toothbrush with the vinegar to get all the caked-on pee out of the grooves. It really didn’t take that long. I was in the zone; rather zen-like actually. I might do this more often.

And I’m proud to tell you that my bathroom no longer reeks of old urine. So I have that going for me.

Here is the original post by Anna if you need any clarification on the steps. Please tell her I said hello!

Sincerely, and now with less stank,
Leslie

 

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