The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: bathroom humor

The Return of Dobbie, The Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

Today marks the one year anniversary of Dobbie’s Big Debut. If you’re just joining us, Dobbie is my family’s Elf on the Shelf, and he’s a little, uh…mischievous, you might say.

He was pretty popular around the blogosphere last year for his lewd and lascivious antics. He even finished in second place as one of the Top 11 Inappropriate Elves over at Baby Rabies’ Inappropriate Elf Contest for that time he wrote his name in the snow.

Dobbie writes his name in the snow by The Bearded Iris #InappropriateElf

Ah, good times.

Pretty ironic that he would become so popular because I never even wanted that little so’mbitch.

He was an ambush gift from my mom to my kids and I just knew he was going to be trouble. Like I needed to add one more labor-intensive holiday tradition to my already overflowing plate of Christmas duties.

But I begrudgingly let Grandma be the hero and give the kids the one toy they’d been so desperately coveting.

And long story short, we all fell in love with him.

Even my beloved kitty Gracie (RIP) enjoyed his company. These shots were taken last year and were part of my story about having to improve upon my husband’s lame attempts at Elfing. (Bless his heart.) That’s one of my all-time favorite posts, by the way. (And the photo below is the one I’m entering in this year’s Inappropriate Elf Contest at Baby Rabies.)

Dobbie plays Scat Scrabble #InappropriateElf by The Bearded Iris

Dobbie plays Scat Scrabble2 #InappropriateElf by The Bearded Iris

I sure do miss that sweet cat. She was the best. {Sigh}

This year, Dobbie the Elf arrived on Saturday, December 1st.

I clipped his little hands to one of the blades of the ceiling fan, turned the fan on low, and went to bed.

I would give anything to have a video of my kids’ reaction when they discovered him.

They were watching TV in the family room that Saturday morning, and it wasn’t until my husband said, “Hey, why is the ceiling fan on?” that they looked up and noticed Dobbie spinning around and around, with his little felt legs splayed out behind him like he was holding on for dear life.

Believe me when I say my kids went absolutely apeshit. “IT’S DOBBIE!!! HE’S BACK!!! HE’S ON THE CEEE-WING FAN!” (sic) shouted Bucket Head.

And that, my friends, is what this Elf thing is all about.

It’s not about comparing yourself to other mothers. It’s not about having to “remember to move the fucking elf.” It’s not about rules or obligations or judgement.

It’s about bringing joy to your kids. 

And let me tell you something about my kids: the horse apple didn’t fall far from the horse, if you know what I mean.

Elf on the Shelf Dobbie on the crapper by The Bearded Iris #InappropriateElf

Toilet humor—works every time.

And if you can make your husband laugh along the way with little surprises like this?

The Elf on the Shelf Dobbie has a mouth like a trucker by The Bearded Iris #InappropriateElf

Even better.

Oh easy there, Mother Superior. My kids never saw that. By the time they woke up that day, the egg carton was closed, and the elf was in a much more family-friendly position…

Dobbie The Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf licking a large turgid candy cane by The Bearded Iris

…licking an enormous, turgid candy cane.

Because there’s nothing inappropriate about that, right?

May your holiday season be filled with joy, laughter, and plenty of minty freshness.

Yours truly,

PS – Please follow me on Pinterest for more Elf fun and Christmas humor!

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Bridesmaids: A Movie Review by Iris Beard

I like to think I know a thing or two about what’s funny. And I have to tell you, the movie Bridesmaids is, without a doubt, the funniest movie I have ever seen in my entire life. Really. I’m not exaggerating this time.

Melissa McCarthy, Wendi McLendon-Covey, Ellie Kemper, Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph and Rose Byrne.

Now granted, I’m partial to physical comedy and bathroom humor, so if that isn’t your bag, well, this movie might not rock your world as hard as it’s rocked mine.

But honest to God, there is one scene, no kidding, that had me laughing so hard I was shrieking like a banshee. And then the shrieking morphed into uncontrollable tears. Weeping, actually, but in a good way. I had to take my glasses off and wipe my eyes and face with my greasy popcorn napkin. I was THAT gone.

And here’s something you need to know about me… I’m a tough crowd. It takes A LOT to make me laugh out loud. And not just because I’m one of those people with a silent but convulsing laugh, which I am. No, it’s also because my tolerance is so high… like a lush who requires an extra big glass to get buzzed.

When my date Tammie and and I were leaving the theater, I was still giggling about the scene where Maya Rudolph’s character is leaving the bridal boutique. I don’t want to spoil it for you, but I was acting it out in front of the theater when two women sitting on a bench nearby said out loud, “Oh, you must be the ladies who were laughing so hard! Wasn’t that movie hilarious?!” And that was AFTER a woman had stopped us in the ladies room to ask what movie we had just seen, because then too, we were giggling our asses off.

And I can’t stop thinking about it. In fact Tammie just called me a few minutes ago to rehash some of our favorite scenes, and she was still cackling like a hyena. She also asked me to research the topic of asshole bleaching because neither of us had ever heard of it. Christ, I’m so glad I’m an old married lady and not dating anymore… the crazy shit the young girls do today! I mean really?! Who cares what color your butthole is? I thought you couldn’t get any more extreme than Brazilian bikini waxes, but apparently you can. Damn. Imma have to ask my husband about this one. Can’t you just hear me, Hon? Will you watch the kids Saturday morning so I can run up to the salon? I made an appointment for a mani/pedi. Oh by the way, while I’m there… should I make my chocolate starfish vanilla?  What. The. Fuck.

Anyhooo, I told Tammie I want to watch Bridesmaids about 20 more times and study it to learn how to write a successful {romantic} comedy screenplay. I really think there could be a college level film class based on this movie and why it works. But I’m looking forward to speaking with some of my film buff and movie making friends to see if they agree.

It wasn’t just the writing though, which I just read Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo completed in six days. The casting was absolutely magical. The way the women play off each other is a sight to behold. I have to say my favorite was probably Wendi McLendon-Covey, who plays Rita, the exasperated mother (go figure.) And it’s not just the ladies… the guy who plays the romantic lead, Chris O’Dowd, is flat-out adorable. And Jon Hamm as the booty-calling dickwad? Perfect.

I was shocked to learn that the “explosive” bridal boutique scene wasn’t part of the original screenplay but rather was something Judd Apatow convinced them to add during the filming. He’s the wickedly funny producer of Superbad (one of my favorites!), Knocked Up, and The 40 Year Old Virgin. I was kind of hoping that Kristen Wiig had written this scene because I think it’s about time we ladies claimed a share of the bathroom humor action. We’ve seen it a million times before from the menfolk: Dumb and Dumber, Along Came Polly, Austin Powers, etc. But kudos to Apatow for recognizing that it’s EVEN FUNNIER coming from women. And major props to the cast for absolutely nailing this scene. Unexpected and brilliant. Truly.

My only issue is that after watching this movie, I am afraid for the future of comedy. The bar has been set so high now – I can’t imagine it getting any better. And also, now that the barrier of anal bleaching has been breached, what else is there? Shoot, remember when Charlie Chaplan was funny? And then Jack Lemmon? And then Mel Brooks movies? After Bridesmaids, what else is there? And based on this trend, how much more will it take to make our kids laugh when they’re our age? {Sigh.} Take my word for it, movies are just going to get grosser and grosser from here on out. And personally, I say bring it!

Just go see it. Then we’ll discuss.



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