The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: bad vocabulary lessons

You people are sick (and me likee)

Yesterday I published a new post In The Powder Room about homophones (that’s phones, not phobes) and it flopped like my 32-Longs at 7:30 PM every night when I toss my Playtex 18 Hour Hydraulic Lift onto my bedroom chair (where it patiently waits to frighten me the next day):

the bearded iris has a bra stuck to her back

Frankly, I’m a little surprised the homophones post wasn’t a bigger hit, because it was all about naughty sentences. I used words like ‘humping,’ ‘lascivious,’ ‘cavernous areas,’ and funny pimp names. But no, apparently I have ruined you people with my gecko penis pornography.

Yes. I now know that gecko money shots are like a drug, and once you’ve developed a taste for them, you are no longer satisfied with *boring* things like vocabulary and grammar lessons.

I blame myself, really.

I have done this to you.

My gecko groin saga has touched so many of you…and it’s touched you deeply. One reader emailed me yesterday to share:

I’m almost 8 months pregnant and so I have been having crazy delivery dreams. Well last night I delivered a healthy baby boy: half gecko/half baby. And hilariously it had two hemipenises…most of the dream was spent trying to find diapers and clothes that worked! So thanks for the laughs and strange dreams! ~Tannith

I also heard from a funny fellow blogger who was so dazzled by my gecko’s perma-bone that she wanted to blog about it:

Hi Leslie!

I hope your family gecko’s penis is doing better. Who knew all that junk was wrapped up in those scales. In fact I was so impressed that I would like to get permission from you, and of course the gecko seeing it was *his* penis, to include a couple of pictures you posted in an upcoming post about how I’d like to walk a day in his shoes for a writing prompt. I mean seriously, that’s the luckiest gecko in the world. Most people would have left his little lizard pecker hanging out….Please let me know what you think. And just a heads up, if my penis ever pops out, I have left directions with my husband to call you.

~Kari (@Kbar3)

So don’t worry friends. I hear you loud and clear: no more vocabulary or grammar lessons, and more lusty lizard tales. Got it.

Come on back tomorrow for the next installment of Batman’s tell-all diary. But until then, please make sure you know the difference between throws/throes, affect/effect, elicit/illicit, and more. M’kay? Trust me, anyone who reads your words will thank you.

Yours truly and now with exposed reptilian sex glands,
-Leslie

Me so horny…

Last night my 11 year old son pulled me aside and asked: “Mom? What does ‘horny’ mean?”

Oh Lord. Here we go.

First I had to give myself the Heimlich with the back of a kitchen chair to dislodge the partially masticated Cheez-Its from my windpipe. Note to self: teach the kids basic life saving skills so they don’t have to watch me choke to death someday. As if my general parenting skills aren’t scarring enough.

As soon as I started to breathe normally again, Nature Boy and I sat down for a little mother-son sex pow wow. Wait, that sounds wrong and grossly Oedipal. It wasn’t. I swear. What I mean is: we talked. About sex.

It wasn’t the first time. God only knows why, but he always seems to come to ME for these little talks instead of his big strapping virile Daddy. I think he enjoys the entertainment value of watching me choke and stutter and blurt out words like penis and vagina and multiple clitoral orgasm. Oh stop it, I’m just kidding on that last one. For now.

But anyhoooo, just to make sure he wasn’t referring to horny toads and their reptilian relatives,  I decided to ask him for a little context. “Can you use it in a sentence for me please?”

“Oh, sure. The boys in my class are always saying things like ‘Taylor’s feeling hooooor-ny!’ or ‘Me so horny.'”

Okay. In context. Got it. This isn’t like when he heard the word “gay” on the school bus and thought it meant happy like in the Flintstone’s theme song. Nope. He knew this was dirty and he wanted more info. And God damn it, how many times do I have to tell him to not start a sentence with a prepositional object?

Fine. If it is to be, it’s up to me, I guess. Besides, I did NOT want him to get wrong information from someone else and end up using the word inappropriately. Knowledge is power! So I told him everything he wanted to know. And it was fine. No big whoop. I’m a little miffed that his innocence is gradually being stripped away by kids who are clearly more hormonal and/or ignorant than he is, but I’m glad he’s comfortable enough to ask me things.

I was even younger than Nature Boy is when my Dad, a single father with weekend visitation, took me to see Grease in the theaters with one of his dates back in 1978. Poor guy… he only had us on the weekends, he loved movies, and he was dating. Can’t fault the man for trying to kill three birds with one stone. (Except for those times he took me to see Jaws, Alien, and Blazing Saddles… all before I was 10 years old… probably explains a lot about me, doesn’t it?)

So yeah, back to Grease… after the movie, I remember very clearly asking him: “Dad – what does ‘chicks are gonna cream’ mean?” And he told me: “It means they are excited.” So naturally, wanting to be as cool as Danny and the T-Birds, I started saying things like “Wow – that’s SO cool; I’m gonna cream!” and let me just assure you, my third grade teacher didn’t like that kind of talk at all. Thanks Dad.

Speaking of which… that reminds me of another film classic my dear old Dad took me to see when I was 10 years old: Coal Miner’s Daughter. God, I love that movie. Coincidentally, Loretta Lynn also was confused about the proper usage of the word ‘horny.’ Remember the baloney scene? Lordhavemercy.

Shoot we been driving so much, I don’t even know where I am half the time. Oh it’s fun though, you know, we sing, and talk, and Do…that’s my husband, he gets to acting horny. And the more I laugh, the hornier he gets! And he’ll say: ‘Lorettie, spread me up one of them baloney sandwiches!’

Cracks me up, every time! But really, with vocabulary lessons like that, it is a wonder I even graduated from middle school. And it definitely explains my penchant for fried baloney sandwiches.

My point? If my kids are gonna talk dirty, they better get it right. And in case you don’t know, it’s “I’m so horny,” not “Me so horny.”

Sincerely and grammatically yours,

-Iris

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