Can you believe I’ve NEVER been a bridesmaid?

With this fashion sense and these dance moves?

I know. Me neither! So I’m just putting it out there that I am available for weddings, vow renewals, and commitment ceremonies…vintage pantsuit optional.  Call me.

For more details about my qualifications to be in your bridal party, please read my weekly column In The Powder Room today.

And speaking of my fancy pantsuit, I’ve received a lot of comments/questions/concerns about it since the debut of my dance video earlier this week.

This has given me the idea to introduce a new semi-regular feature here at The Bearded Iris called “Ask Iris.” You can submit your burning life questions to me via email at iris <at> thebeardediris <dot> com or using the handy dandy form on my contact page. Please include “Ask Iris” in your subject line so it doesn’t get lost with all my porn.

So anyhoooo, back to the sisterhood of my traveling pantsuit. Here’s a pic of me struggling with my camera shyness in 1992 at a summer hotel job “Tacky Party.”

OMG. How cute was my sidekick there? I have always had a weakness for men with ascots and Travolta-esque chin dimples.

But I digress. Let’s answer your questions:

Q: What. The. Fuck…are you wearing in that dance video. You look like Mrs. Roper went off her meds after a long night in the back room at the Regal Beagle.

A: Funny you should mention because I am off my meds, and could use a good couple of minutes correcting forms with the Wite-Out if you know what I mean. What I am wearing is a vintage one-piece fully lined disco halter romper circa 1975. The fabric is a sparkly silver totally non-breathable polyester blend. The pant legs are flared and accordion pleated.

Q: Where on earth did you get that incredible garb?

A: I bought this baby at The Goodwill in the late 1980s. I was starring in a sorority revue of The Wiz (as Addaperle) and wanted to wear something FABULOUS. Can I get two snaps and a twist?

Q: How is it possible that you still have something you bought over twenty years ago?

A: Oh honey, have you never seen my vintage 80s Mom Jean collection? I am probably one peanut shell collection away from starring on an episode of Hoarders.

Q: And you still fit into it? Dude!

A: It’s very stretchy and forgiving, unless you get a good look at me in it from behind, then duck and cover!

Q: How do you clean it?

A: I don’t.

Q: OMG. You bought it at The Goodwill, from a dead disco queen, and you’ve never cleaned it? Do you have crabs?

A: Not anymore. I think the heat from the polyester kills all the crotch critters. Besides, I don’t go commando in it! Gross!

Q: Does it smell?

A: Yes: horrible. Do yourself a favor and keep your distance.

Q: Is there a special compartment in the pants for your enormous hairy balls? Because I have never seen anyone make such an ass out of themselves ON PURPOSE, and with a straight face.

A: Grandma? Is that you? Nice try. You know I keep my balls freshly shorn.

Alrighty then folks. I hope that answers all your burning questions about my vintage pantsuit. If you have any suggestions for how I should launder that mofo, please let me know. It really is all kinds of stanky. But on the plus side, there are NO moth issues in my closet.

Hey, great news: today is the LAST day of whoring for votes on that Top 25 Funny Moms contest. I’m currently holding steady at #5 in spite of a few star-studded last minute entries. If you can spare two more clicks today to help lock-in my place on the list, groovy. If not, I understand. There are probably lots of other women out there who will sacrifice their dignity and retinal health for your entertainment.

with love and sequins,

-Iris