The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Tag: apologies

Public apology, good news, marriage humor, & Steubenville…

So this is the post where I have to publicly apologize to my husband because it wasn’t just the Man-Flu.

DAMMIT.

He had bronchitis.

And ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat.

(You’re welcome.)

But The Gatekeeper is on the mend thanks to modern medicine, and we are all so grateful for his improved health (and fewer disgusting noises).

I’m sorry I doubted you, honey.

(But do me a solid and stop getting sick and/or whining so damn much every time you have the sniffles so I’ll believe you next time and get you to the doctor sooner, for fuck sake.)

Moving on.

Hey – last week was CRAZY. Between my sick husband and my birthday (which was awesome, thank you for all the wonderful birthday wishes on Facebook and Twitter!), I also had three posts in other places.

Which is great for me, but a little challenging for you if you want to keep up with me. (And if you do, I thank you from the bottom of my duodenum.)

Kludgy MomI wrote a guest post for Gigi at Kludgy Mom titled “The Catch-22 of Blogging and Social Media.” If you’re not a blogger, go ahead and skip that one (unless you just want to hear some inside scoop about the blogging scene and why so many of us are losing our minds lately.)  It’s been getting lots of great feedback from fellow bloggers and even a lovely shout-out from the head of iBlog Magazine:

Screen Shot 2013-03-25 at 10.07.54 AM

He said “fantastic read.” OMG. How sweet is he?! Thanks Matt! Oh wait…is it because I mentioned my nipples twice?

Huh.

Hey, whatever it takes. I’m just using what the Good Lord gave me: my wits. Don’t judge.

Read Me In the Powder Room!

I was also In The Powder Room three different times.

First, here, sharing some awesome news about several of the In The Powder Room writers (including myself).

Then, for my regular weekly column, I wrote a humor piece titled A brief history of marriage vows, which made me laugh out loud while I was writing it (always a good sign).

And finally, I wrote this round up of what I thought were the most powerful articles on the WWW last week concerning the Steubenville rape case. Not a light read, and a trigger alert is definitely in order if you decide to read some of the posts I’ve highlighted. But it’s such an important topic and one that we really must tackle head-on if we want to make any improvements as a society toward ending the rape culture that unfortunately exists today.

Busy week, I know.

It’s really rather unlike me to be so prolific. Usually I’m too busy moving piles of stuff from one room to another to get so much done, but I guess my new light box is kicking in.

Now if only I could channel all that energy toward finishing my bathroom remodel or removing the hair from my toes for sandal season.

Nah.

It’s way more fun to blog about sick husbands and dirty priests and nipples.

Speaking of fun things to do on the Internet, I just so happened upon this conversation on Twitter the other day…

#Hilarious.

As you were.

-Leslie

Confessions of a blog conference pariah

It started off so great. I had tallied the word “vagina” 13 times and it wasn’t even halfway through the first day of the conference. These were clearly my people! 

But throughout the day, I could feel my voice starting to falter. And by mid-afternoon, it was completely gone.

And then—oh no—the session leader wanted us to go around the table and introduce ourselves.

Shit.

Continue reading

Hot Turd Time Machine

Oh Monday, you ignorant slut.

It’s been raining here in North Georgia for about 24 hours straight and normally that makes me just want to climb back into bed.

photo of raindrops on my jasmine vine

But I have a little bounce in my step today because Jessica from the beautiful blog Four Plus an Angel invited ME to guest post!

I don’t get a lot of invitations for things like that ever since I wrote about Lady and The Tramp doin’ it doggie style at my friend Megan’s old blog Declutter Daily. *sigh* (Sorry about that, Megan.)

Jessica, like Megan, is a very brave woman though. She reached out to me to participate in her summer series about funny summertime memories. I bothered her all weekend with questions like “Is it okay if I swear?” and “How about poop? Can I write about poop?” and “Can we hang out sometime and paint each other’s toes and have a pillow fight like in the movies because you’re really pretty.” She never responded to that last one. Huh.

So…spoiler alert. There is poop. And maybe a swear word or two, I don’t even know anymore. And I guess I owe my Mom and apology too for being such a stinker all the time. Sorry Mom.

Just a reminder, my comments here are closed for the summer, but you can chat me up today at Four Plus an Angel, the Twitter, and Facebook.

yours truly,
Leslie (aka “Iris”)

When social awkwardness, sobriety, and blogging collide…

So about that video I posted last Friday

Over the weekend, it hit me like a ton of placenta teddy bears that I spend WAY MORE TIME online than anyone else I know in real life.

And when you combine my ginormous Internet-based catalogue of bizarre tidbits with the fact that I am not currently drinking, you have the makings for some pretty darn awkward cocktail conversation. We’re talking, “Hey, does this mole look weird to you?” banter. Eeeek.

Rest assured, this will not be much of an issue moving forward because I am either going to become a complete shut-in or I am going to start drinking again just so I can remotely begin to tolerate myself.

But in the meantime, it has dawned on me that some of my readers probably didn’t get the pop culture reference I was trying to poke fun of with my video last week.

Yes, that video was actually a parody (or rather an attempt at a parody) of several recent news stories that caught my eye.

Maybe if I take a step back and explain the background, the video will make more sense.

(Although, in my humble opinion, if you have to explain why something is funny, it really isn’t that funny. And now I’m explaining it, even after that explanation, which is just weird. Ew. Don’t look at me, I’m hideous.)

But here’s the background story just in case you want to know more about why I would ever do such disgusting things (for free…with children…and food…on camera. Oh God, I should be in jail, shouldn’t I).

About two weeks ago I caught a quick teaser on The Today Show about how actress Alicia Silverstone had a “unique way of feeding her baby.”

Oh those morning news show producers are so clever, aren’t they? They always manage to trick me into staying tuned for what promises to be the most unbelievable story EVER!

And for once, I can honestly say, I was NOT DISAPPOINTED!

They actually showed footage of Alicia Silverstone pre-chewing her 10 month old baby’s food and feeding the baby from her own mouth.

It was truly shocking. And also, it was mom-blog GOLD ON A STICK! I couldn’t WAIT to Tweet it, and Facebook it, and blog about it, oh my!

Listen, I do some pretty gross things. My version of “the 5 second rule” is more like “meh, this is from today right?”

And yet, even I was disgusted by Alicia Silverstone’s parenting style.

But I think I was less put off by the physical component of passing masticated food from mouth-to-mouth and more revolted by the notion of doing something for a healthy child that they should do for themselves.

On top of that was another recent news story on NPR about an Easter Egg Hunt in Colorado that was cancelled due to parental aggressiveness.

Swear to God, couldn’t make it up if I tried: parents hopped a rope fence and swarmed the field determined to get their kids a plastic egg.

Normally, I try to model a “live and let live” attitude about parenting. Who am I to judge?

But more and more I’m confronted with examples of egregious “Helicopter Parenting.” This is the popular name given to parents who hover over their children and are super controlling about every element of their lives.

Outlandish scenarios like these are the stuff that humorists dream of. Sure, it might be mean, yes, it might be gross, but oooh-la-la…is it ever good material!

So my video last Friday was my own little way of contributing to the conversation and sharing my two-cents about how ridiculous helicopter parenting can be. Some of the scenes that were cut due to time limitations were of me doing my kids’ homework for them and me cutting my 12 year-old’s food and feeding him with a fork while cooing “open wide for the choo-choo-train!” It’s funny (to me) because it is so ridiculous and yet Helicopter Parenting is SO hot in the news right now.

And it’s not just eccentric celebrity parents either. I know one mom in my own suburban middle class neighborhood who goes online every afternoon, prints out her middle school son’s homework for him (as posted online by his teachers), and files the assignments into color coded hanging folders for him so that when he gets home from school (after she picks him up by car so he won’t be exposed to the dangers of public transportation), he can get started on his homework without delay.

I find this utterly ridiculous. I would no more do this for my son than I would pre-chew his food.

Is she going to go away to college with him and organize his daily workload there too?

I’m no model parent by any means, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to raise a bunch of helpless namby-pamby kids who can’t even chew their own food or find their own Easter eggs.

And that is all I have to say about that.

Now that you know more about the inspiration for my video last week, which was intended to be an over-the-top-parody of current events, perhaps it makes more sense and is (hopefully) more entertaining.

Or maybe it’s still as gross to you as it was last Friday, in which case, please have some pity for me. I’m definitely not right in the head.

sincerely yours and with even more social awkwardness than ever,

-Iris

PS – does this mole look weird to you?

Technical Difficulties

The computer I’m using to write this today is making a grinding noise while I type. That can’t be good.

And it is SO slow that I can click on a link, get up to refill my coffee, switch the laundry, yell at the kids, and return to the computer just in time to watch the link finish loading. That’s an abnormally slow computer, right?

It’s my 6 year old dinosaur PC. I’m only using it because my Mac PowerBook is dying a slow death and I have not yet figured out how to transition to the new-to-me Mac laptop that has been sitting in a box next to my desk for several months. Pathetic. If you look up the word “procrastinate,” you will surely see a picture of me napping, or drinking wine from a helmet with two straws.  

These are the kinds of technical difficulties that make me want to pluck out my eyeballs and stomp on them. All I want to do is write… not mess around with uncooperative technology, or housework, or parenting.

And the thought of possibly losing nearly 14,000 photos which are currently trapped on my dying laptop is making my throat close up.

So I’m writing to seek your forgiveness and patience as I wrastle all my technology into submission. Because, you see, I’m about as stubborn as my wiry chin hair and I WILL figure this out. You wait and see. And when I do, hold onto your mo-frankin’ hats, because I am on a roll and I see good things in my future. (That’s called visualization. I’ll let you know if it works later.)

So here’s my plan…

Step one: make an appointment with the Genius Bar at the Apple Store.

Step two: not sure.

Step three: go to a Memorial Day barbecue with some fun people.

Step four: cocktails.

Step five: _____________________________________
                                      (insert your advice here).

Now go back up your photos.

Happy Memorial Day, friends!

-Iris

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