The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

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The Biggest Fall Reading Giveaway EVER!

Do you love reading? Enjoy free stuff? Well a bunch of your favorite bloggers have joined together to bring you the hugest giveaway on the innerwebz and you are not going to believe this prize package. Continue reading

FINALLY! The secret to a great interview…

"You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth" cover 250x335I’ve been pounding the pavement a lot lately doing a media blitz to promote In The Powder Room’s new humor anthology, “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”  (Which is now available for purchase on ALL THE THINGS.)

Just between us chickens, it has been a very eye-opening experience.

The thing is, I really love to write. Writing is my jam, yo.

But talking? With my mouth? To other people? About myself? Eh… not so much.

You see, when I talk, especially about myself, I usually say the wrong things. Sometimes I can actually see the words tumbling out of my mouth while my brain is shouting in slow-motion, “Nooooooooooooooooooooooo. ABORT ABORT ABORT. SELF DESTRUCTION MODE ACTIVATED.” Continue reading

Sometimes a picture really is worth 1000 words…

Bucket Head and I had our first Tiger Cub Den Meeting last week. We decided to pose for a few quick photos on our way out the door.

Personally, I find anyone in uniform hard to resist.

Apparently, Bucket Head does not.

annoying mother and den leader

Ketchup is a Vegetable by Robin O’Bryant

Have I ever told you about my friend Robin O’Bryant?

We met online a couple of years ago through mutual friends and hit it off like peanut butter and chocolate. When we finally met in person at a blogging conference it felt like coming home, minus the piles of clutter and that wet dog smell.

Ketchup Front cover 200

Robin and I have the kind of relationship where I can text her questions like “Bucket Head says his butthole is itchy. I’m scared,” and she’ll text back sage advice like “Whatever you do, DO NOT Google Pinworms,” and then digitally hold me while I reply, “Too late. OMG. MY EYES!!” Continue reading

Nine things I will never say at home

My husband and I have been watching a lot of TV at night lately. I mean A LOT… like entire-seasons-of-things-in-three-days-a-lot.

The good news is that there is some great stuff on TV these days: Downton Abbey, The Walking DeadOrange is the New Black, Call the Midwife

The bad news is OMG, I HAVE WATCHED HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS OF TV THIS SUMMER.

Maybe it’s time for some TV detox.

At least until the new season of The Walking Dead.

But until then, all this couch-time reminded me of a list I wrote last year. It might be new to you, and it will give me a chance to make my family room look and smell less like one of those Febreze commercials.

 Nine things I will never say at home:

#9   “Here Honey, you hold the remote.”

#8   “Could you please turn down the TV? I want to be able to hear the kids… and you, eating those grapes.”

#7   “You know what would take my mind off these cramps? A big black dog all up in my biznatch.”

#6   “NOOOOOO! For the love of all that is Holy, catch the fucking BALL!”

#5   “Wait—let ME answer the phone! It’s probably your Mom and I’ve been dying to hear all about her new chair. It swivels, you know!”

#4   “Mmmm, these throw pillows smell awesome.”

#3   “Nah, who needs a Ryan Gosling movie? Let’s go upstairs and keep the lights on.”

#2   “Microwave S’Mores? Gross! I’d rather have one ounce of unsalted raw organic fair trade almonds, thanks.”

#1    “I can’t see the TV; my boobs are in the way.”


 

A new way to use my crazy for good at school!

Ever since the year I was an overachieving (see: pill-popping) Kindergarten room mom, I tend to steer clear of volunteering at school. I’ve just found that my kids do better on their own without me being there to, you know, ask questions like “So is the Principal Pal thing rigged, or what? Who do I have to throw some Benjamins at to get one of those frickin’ magnets on my car?”

But you know me, I like to help. I’m just much better behind the scenes: pulling weeds in the school’s butterfly garden, or sending in canned goods, or selling my soul to the devil in exchange for the last existing yellow poly folder with pockets AND prongs in the western hemisphere.

One year I found that the best way I could help was by sharpening all of our teacher’s classroom pencils every weekend. (Those poor teachers have THE WORST pencil sharpeners in their classrooms!) My oldest son Vince would bring home a baggie full of about 100 dull pencils every Friday and I would zone out and reflect on my deep thoughts over the sound of my professional grade X-ACTO whirring away. Very therapeutic. I like my pencils like I like my men: tall, sharp, and with a big, firm, pink… eraser on the end. Ew, what did you think I was going to say?

This year will now forever be remembered as the year my child was finally rewarded for my hoarding tendencies. 

That’s right, people. The stars have aligned and Mini-Me’s math teacher sent out an email this week asking parents to save twist-on bottle caps for a future project.

Uh, like these?

It finally pays to be a hoarder by The Bearded Iris

BOOM.

My sweet child came home all aglow yesterday because apparently I was the only parent to reply to that teacher’s email.

See? We all have our own unique gifts and ways that we can serve others. Mine just so happen to involve repetitive tasks and the DSM-IV. Whatevs. You say PTA, I say PTSD. God bless us, every one.  

So that’s what’s new around here.

But elsewhere…

I overshare on the Internet

Last week I was invited to write this for HLNtv.com about moms who “overshare” on the Internet. And apparently it struck a nerve with some people. Granted, I’m not licking my own face repeatedly or slapping my nekkid butt cheeks all up on a gyrating Footlocker employee’s man meat, but still—this article garnered the second ugliest comment I’ve ever received in the five years I’ve been doing this blogging thing. (Which you cannot read because it was not published. As a general rule, the only assholes I pay any attention to whatsoever are my own and my children’s.)

I’m also very excited to be making my debut at Bonbon Break this week to share some of the behind the scenes pinnacles and pitfalls of the whole self-publishing experience. Please check it out!

I hope your Labor Day weekend is everything you need for it to be, times two, with a side of Come Back Sauce, and a free kitten.

Yours truly,
Leslie

 

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