Humiliation, Taxes, & My Humorist Mentor Tracy Beckerman

Posted on April 26, 2013 by The Bearded Iris

Hello lovers.

Three things:

1.) I am trying to turn over a new leaf in my financial management. I’ve had a series of humiliating experiences lately that feel like God’s way of slapping me across the face to get my shit together. Unpleasant, but motivating.

2.) I’ve written about one of those humiliating experiences In The Powder Room today. I’d love for you to read it and maybe give me some tips on how I can avoid this situation next year.

Tracy Beckerman3.)  If you live in the Atlanta area and would like to meet one of the coolest women I’ve met through blogging, syndicated columnist Tracy Beckerman is doing a book signing of her hilarious and highly relatable new book Lost in Suburbia: A Momoir: How I Got Pregnant, Lost Myself, and Got My Cool Back in the New Jersey Suburbs, tomorrow at 1:00 PM at Bound to Be Read Books, 481-B Flat Shoals Ave., SE Atlanta.

I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that I absolutely ADORE Tracy and her book rocked my socks off. It is rare that I can say that I wasn’t able to put a book down (because honestly, between managing all my body hair and attending so many twelve step meetings, who has the time?), but that’s how I felt about Lost in Suburbia and I was even compelled to write an Amazon review for it, which is one of those extra steps I hardly ever manage to pull off. But read this book and you’ll see why I consider Tracy one of my mentors and want to be a humorist just like her when/if I ever grow up.

Lost in Suburbia book cover

Don’t forget, I’m In The Powder Room… still looking for some of my receipts. DAMMIT.

Have a great weekend!

With big love and a sincere desire to beat my addiction to the adrenaline rush of barely meeting federal tax deadlines,

-Leslie (aka “Iris”)

Posted in Atlanta | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments

Bucket Head on board

Posted on April 25, 2013 by The Bearded Iris

It was starting to drizzle.

Bucket Head and I would need to run for it.

We counted to three and ran from the store to our car while I pressed the button for the automatic sliding door. He hopped into the back and we both buckled ourselves in while I checked my mirrors.

I put it in reverse and was starting to ease backward out of our angled parking spot when I noticed a gangly teenaged boy walking right behind my minivan. I braked and waited for him to pass. “Kids,” I muttered under my breath and made a mental note to remind my brood to be on the lookout for people reversing in parking lots who might not be able to see them.

Once he passed I checked my mirrors a second time and started to reverse again, slowly.

And again, there was something passing by the back of my van, seemingly inches away from my rear bumper.

It was the teenager’s father.

He wasn’t hustling at all, he wasn’t stopping to let me get out of my parking spot, he was simply glaring at me and shaking his head. I hit the brake as he slowly sauntered by giving me the stink eye.

Obviously he had the right of way. If I had noticed him I never would have tried to back out. But the blind spot on my minivan is huge, especially in the drizzle through the rain-spattered windows, reversing at an angle.

Oh—that look! What the hell, dude! Do you think I’m TRYING to mow you down? I’m just trying to get out of my parking spot. I totally would have waited for you to pass if I had seen you. It’s drizzling and I’m dry in my car—of course I want you to pass by safely and get into the store unscathed.

Ack. I hate that. Why did he have to glare and shake his head in judgment like that? Why couldn’t he just hustle by and wave like “Ooops, sorry—didn’t see your reverse lights.” I like to think that’s what I would have done. I probably would have smiled and waved and hustled by. I hope.

But his nasty face and pissy attitude set me off. Where is the common courtesy? Why couldn’t we have shared a pleasant exchange like an “I’m sorry, you go,” “No, that’s okay, you go,” kind of moment? Why can’t real life be more like that Liberty Mutual commercial that always makes me cry?

I know I shouldn’t have, but I exploded.

“I didn’t see you, JAGOFF!” I shouted at him (from behind the safety of my closed windows and locked doors.) You can take the girl out of Pittsburgh, but you can never take the Pittsburgh out of the girl, I guess.

That’s when 6-year-old Bucket Head, who I momentarily forgot was buckled in right behind me said, “How do you know his name, Mommy?” 

And then my heart exploded from the cuteness and my road rage melted away.

I wish every vehicle came standard with a backseat Bucket Head. I think the world would be a better place.

Now I just need to teach him to stop calling people jagoffs.

Everyone needs a backseat Bucket Head by The Bearded Iris

Posted in kids | Tagged , , , , , , , | 29 Comments

How To Ruin Your Kids’ Spring Break

Posted on April 10, 2013 by The Bearded Iris

Join me In The Powder Room today to hear the story behind this photo:

What we did on our spring break via The Bearded Iris and In The Powder Room

It’s either kind of awesome, or just one more reason why my children will clock many hours of therapy someday. Probably a combo of both…

Posted in parenting | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

WARNING: blog fodder ahead

Posted on April 3, 2013 by The Bearded Iris

Read Me In the Powder Room!

I’m In The Powder Room today.

And not to toot my own horn or anything, (TOOT!) but the photo and title I came up with are totally worth the click.

Totally.

Or your money back! Guaranteed! (Minus shipping and handling.) 

Also, it’s spring break here, so I’m trying to keep my children from cannibalizing each other.

But on the plus side, the blog fodder is pretty durn entertaining. Sneak peak: prison references, impromptu field trips, hydroponics, and inappropriate oral jokes. Stay tuned!

MUAH!

-Leslie

Posted in random stuff | Tagged , , , | 5 Comments

Does this sobriety make my butt look big?

Posted on March 27, 2013 by The Bearded Iris

I’m In The Powder Room today over-sharing, like I do…

Does this sobriety make my butt look big by The Bearded Iris

And dammit, people are making me cry with their kind words of encouragement.

I’ve been sitting on this post for weeks. My real one-year-anniversary was February 22nd… that was the first day of Lent last year when I gave up the hooch. But I haven’t wanted to make a big deal out of it because I am still so damn in denial, I should just dress like Cleopatra and have the kids fan me while feeding me grapes. (Not a bad idea, regardless.)

Anyhooo… I was inspired to finally write about this milestone because I’ve never made it a whole year before (this is my third try) and I watched the movie Flight the other day. My brother recommended it and I thought it was going to be an action/adventure about a plane crash. (Duh.) I had no idea it was really about the main character’s battle with addiction. So needless to say, it was difficult to watch. Great movie, but day-yam, those scenes where Denzel battles his demons and loses were absolutely gut wrenching for me. And then the ending… oh Lawd. That’s all I’m going to say in case you haven’t seen it.

The take away for me though was that with courage comes peace. And maybe I need to show more courage to get to the next stage of healing.

So I wrote about it.

I wish I could feel more proud of myself because it’s been a loooooong year and there were so many times that I could have faltered, but didn’t. Maybe that will come with more time and practice.

I hope so.

-Leslie

 

Posted in behind the beard, health | Tagged , , , , | 17 Comments

Public apology, good news, marriage humor, & Steubenville…

Posted on March 25, 2013 by The Bearded Iris

So this is the post where I have to publicly apologize to my husband because it wasn’t just the Man-Flu.

DAMMIT.

He had bronchitis.

And ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat.

(You’re welcome.)

But The Gatekeeper is on the mend thanks to modern medicine, and we are all so grateful for his improved health (and fewer disgusting noises).

I’m sorry I doubted you, honey.

(But do me a solid and stop getting sick and/or whining so damn much every time you have the sniffles so I’ll believe you next time and get you to the doctor sooner, for fuck sake.)

Moving on.

Hey – last week was CRAZY. Between my sick husband and my birthday (which was awesome, thank you for all the wonderful birthday wishes on Facebook and Twitter!), I also had three posts in other places.

Which is great for me, but a little challenging for you if you want to keep up with me. (And if you do, I thank you from the bottom of my duodenum.)

Kludgy MomI wrote a guest post for Gigi at Kludgy Mom titled “The Catch-22 of Blogging and Social Media.” If you’re not a blogger, go ahead and skip that one (unless you just want to hear some inside scoop about the blogging scene and why so many of us are losing our minds lately.)  It’s been getting lots of great feedback from fellow bloggers and even a lovely shout-out from the head of iBlog Magazine:

Screen Shot 2013-03-25 at 10.07.54 AM

He said “fantastic read.” OMG. How sweet is he?! Thanks Matt! Oh wait…is it because I mentioned my nipples twice?

Huh.

Hey, whatever it takes. I’m just using what the Good Lord gave me: my wits. Don’t judge.

Read Me In the Powder Room!

I was also In The Powder Room three different times.

First, here, sharing some awesome news about several of the In The Powder Room writers (including myself).

Then, for my regular weekly column, I wrote a humor piece titled A brief history of marriage vows, which made me laugh out loud while I was writing it (always a good sign).

And finally, I wrote this round up of what I thought were the most powerful articles on the WWW last week concerning the Steubenville rape case. Not a light read, and a trigger alert is definitely in order if you decide to read some of the posts I’ve highlighted. But it’s such an important topic and one that we really must tackle head-on if we want to make any improvements as a society toward ending the rape culture that unfortunately exists today.

Busy week, I know.

It’s really rather unlike me to be so prolific. Usually I’m too busy moving piles of stuff from one room to another to get so much done, but I guess my new light box is kicking in.

Now if only I could channel all that energy toward finishing my bathroom remodel or removing the hair from my toes for sandal season.

Nah.

It’s way more fun to blog about sick husbands and dirty priests and nipples.

Speaking of fun things to do on the Internet, I just so happened upon this conversation on Twitter the other day…

#Hilarious.

As you were.

-Leslie

Posted in blogging | Tagged , , , , , , | 24 Comments