A Few Good Vaginas

Posted on April 24, 2012 by The Bearded Iris

Timing is everything, or so they say.

Which is why it’s kind of funny that the very day I would “come out of the closet” and confess my real name to the world, The Huffington Post would include my recent conundrum in their “weekly roundup of standout writing from mom and dad blogs everywhere.” 

“This week, we agonized with The Bearded Iris as she decided whether or not to close down her blog.”
~Emma Mustich, The Huffington Post

Holy CRAP on a cracker. She said “we” and “agonized.” As in: more than one person and gave two shits. The Huffington. Freaking. Post. Whaaaaat?

Seriously, you simply HAVE to read it. Go now. I’ll wait.

I mean really. It just doesn’t get any better than that.

I read Emma Mustich’s gripping words to my 12 year old son this morning, and he responded by giving me a celebratory fist bump and a knowing smile that said, “Told you.”

Priceless.

Tulips at Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, University of Dayton

Hey, you know what would make this scenario even better? 

How about a follow-up post titled A Few Good Vaginas.

I know the irony is not lost on you, which is awesome.

You see, I have to write my weekly column for In The Powder Room about 8 days in advance so that my brilliant British editors (Gigi & Paula) have plenty of time to hem and haw about what kind of crazy-ass new American words I’ve invented. Then they have to choose a photograph to complement the piece and if Gigi can’t find one that’s just right (like that breathtaking sausage picture featured the day I shared my birth story), then Paula has to make one of her own with her fierce computer skills.

Honest to Pete, when I saw the picture Paula made for this week, I snarfed a Peppermint Pattie and attempted to give myself the Heimlich on the back of my chair, which just so happens to be on wheels, so I think you know where I’m going with this…right. down. the. hallway. Not pleasant. Peppermint irritates the trachea, people.

My point is… a lot can happen in a week. Let’s all remember that the next time we find ourselves in shitsville. If we can hang on long enough, this too shall pass. 

Thanks for being here with me. And here. Your friend,

-Leslie/Iris

Posted in behind the beard, lady business | Tagged , , , | 28 Comments

I have an announcement to make.

Posted on April 23, 2012 by The Bearded Iris

Last Wednesday I shared with you that my semi-anonymous blogging cover had been blown and I was struggling with what to do about it.

On the one hand, I was very uncomfortable with the notion of my kids’ friends reading my blog. I definitely don’t want to have to censor myself, but I also don’t want to be responsible for teaching children about things like the most cost effective way to remove butt hair.

The other issue I’ve wrestled with for several years is how to write from the heart without getting my family ostracized by our community. We live in the quite provincial suburbs of Atlanta…a place where women call their vaginas their “down there” (while pointing at it and making the same face I make when I find a headless chipmunk on my back porch).

I mean, what if the good Christian mothers of my daughter’s scout troop discover my writing and conclude I’m unfit to lead their girls on an outing to the nursing home? Or what if my son’s preschool teachers don’t invite me for animal show-and-tell because they’re afraid I’ll say something inappropriate? Or worse, what if people treat my kids differently because of my opinions or drinking habits or odd hobbies?

I have to be honest with you, I was leaning toward something drastic like closing up shop per my motto: when the going gets tough, get drunk and cry.

But then I went to The Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop in Dayton, Ohio last weekend.

And three very Erma-esque things happened:

1.) I was surrounded by my tribe of humor writers who embraced me, energized me, and gave me wonderful support, encouragement, and advice.

    Tricia, Nicole, Iris, and Ernie at our “Last Supper” of EBWW. (Photo credit: Kristen)

 

2.) I had the incredible fortune of hearing a number of inspirational keynote speakers like Dr. Gina Barreca, Adriana Trigiani, Connie Schultz, Ilene Beckerman, and Alan Zweibel who all resonated the same universal message: tell your truth without fear.

Iris with author Adriana Trigiani at her book signing Friday night.

 

“Don’t be afraid of what anyone thinks of your writing, EVER.” ~Adriana Trigiani

 

3.) And a first-time commenter named Kristen wrote this to me:

Iris,

In July of 2011 my husband was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, since then our lives have been turned upside down. Some days I don’t know whether I am coming or going. He underwent a stem cell transplant in February 2012 at Dana Farber Cancer Institute and the kids and I spent many, many hours at his bedside.

It was during this time of relentless hours spent trolling the internet that I saw a post my friend shared shared on Facebook. “DIY Feminine Hygiene Tips” was the heading, of course this sparked my curiosity, who wouldn’t have to see what this article consisted of?

I have to tell you that I laughed so loud that the nurses came in to see what was so funny, and I believe your blog now holds a spot on their board in the stem cell transplant unit. I do believe you have some faithful followers there as well.

The whole point to this story is to share with you the epiphany that you brought to me on that day. My 13 year old daughter started crying and said Mom, I haven’t seen you laugh in a long time. You, it was you Iris, that brought me back from the underworld. From that day on I vowed to smile every day and laugh at least once (which you so often help me do).

So I will SELFISHLY say D is my final answer. I can appreciate your predicament and completely understand if you should decide against it, I will follow you no matter where your jokes take me. You are my prozac!

 

Sorry – I know you like when I give you a tissue alert.

I swear I have read Kristen’s comment at least 50 times in the past 72 hours. I shared it with my friend Janet (Muffintop Mommy) while we were sitting next to each other in a stand-up comedy workshop and we were both blotting mascara off our cleavage. (No offense to the dude juggling mewling kittens and chainsaws, but we weren’t crying because of you.)

This comment perfectly illustrates another gem I heard this weekend at EBWW:

“Writing comedy is the greatest spiritual gift you can give to anybody anytime.” ~ Adriana Trigiani

I am so deeply humbled by the outpouring of love and support you – my regular readers –  gave me with your comments last week. My cup truly runneth over.

So instead of shutting down my blog and/or starting over anonymously, I think I’ll try a different approach.

“Bad girls are the only ones with stories to tell.” ~ Gina Barreca

Hello. My name is Leslie Jeanne Marinelli and I am a writer.

Leslie with EBWW roommate Nicole of By Word of Mouth Musings.

Posted in behind the beard, blogging | Tagged , , , , , , , | 264 Comments

To blog, or not to blog, that is the question.

Posted on April 18, 2012 by The Bearded Iris

“Mom, some of the kids at school know about your blog,” my 12 year old son sheepishly told me after school on Monday.

“WHAT? Are you serious? How? How do you know that? What did they say to you? Are you okay? Are you embarrassed? Do you want me to take it down?” I verbally vomited all over him.

“NO Mom! Don’t take your blog down! I don’t care if kids know about it. I’m really proud of you.”

(OMG – my son is proud of me! SWOON! But holy crap, his friends know about my blog.)

Nature Boy and Iris, 2011.

 

This is quite a predicament.

When I started this blog as a hobby nearly four years ago, I did it anonymously. I never showed my face or my children’s faces, I didn’t use anybody’s real names (still don’t), and I never worried about potential risks.

But blogging anonymously wasn’t a good fit for me. Not having my face connected to my words made it easier for me to write things that weren’t really my truth. I felt like I was living a lie and eventually I quit.

I missed it though and I decided to give it another shot in January of 2011. But this time I wanted to do it with more authenticity and more skin in the game: I would show our faces and I would blog not just as a place to express myself, but as a way to entertain and serve others with ideas, tips, recipes, and hopefully, laughter. Maybe if I was good enough at it, I could turn it into a career.

Yes, it was a risk. The Internet is a scary place.

But the gamble paid off. My readership and opportunities grew exponentially when I started showing our faces. Was it easier for readers to connect with my family when they could really visualize us? Did my writing improve with time and practice? Or was it because I was suddenly putting more thought into each post knowing that my face was out there? I don’t know.

Every mom blogger worries about their children’s safety. We worry about stranger danger and accidentally handing Internet predators the keys to our lives. So we use code names and limit information about schedules and geographic details.

But is that enough to protect our families from the dangers of blogging?

There has been a lot of online dialogue lately about mom bloggers oversharing about their kids lives. (Thanks Kristin of What She Said for sharing Lisa Belkin’s thought provoking post with your readers!)

I am torn.

What would the mom blog genre be without REAL stories about ourselves and the crazy shit our kids do?

Frankly, I never dreamed that I would ever have enough readers to make blogging about my family an issue.

And I certainly never imagined there would ever be middle school peers of my kids reading my stories. My kids are not allowed to read my blog and they know why. It is unconscionable for 12 year olds to know about some of the very adult themed issues I’ve shared here. I write for mature audiences. I use language and discuss content that is inappropriate for children. 

I have always tried to keep my school/church life pretty separate from my personal/blogger life. But I have always feared that if my blog got into the wrong hands, it could cause problems for us. I’ve read horror stories about some of my blogging heroes like Cecily Kellogg who have gotten into hot water over their blogging.

However, I have always been willing to share my real life online because I have seen the benefit that it can give to others. Parenthood, marriage, life in general can be so difficult at times. Knowing there are others experiencing the same (or worse) challenges can really ease the burden. And after all, isn’t that what we are all called to do? Ease each others’ burdens?

But I have no control over who reads my work and what they do with the very personal information I have shared.

So now I have a choice to make.

Here are some of the options I’m considering:

A. Shut The Bearded Iris down and walk away from blogging.

B. Shut it down and start over anonymously somewhere else.

C. Go back through the blog and unpublish any posts that I am particularly uncomfortable with children reading.

D. Say screw it and stay on my path.

E. Embrace my new audience, increase the fart jokes, decrease the vagina talk. Or increase the vagina talk as a PSA to boys in puberty who need to learn about the traffic patterns down there sooner or later.

F. Other: _____(Please advise me in your comment below.)_____

This is not an easy choice for me. I have worked so hard to create years worth of original content. I have potential business opportunities in the works that are dependent upon my current status in the blogosphere. For the first time in my working life, I absolutely LOVE what I do. I don’t want to walk away. But I don’t want my kids’ friends to know anything about my genitals either. That’s not cool. Not cool at all.

Ack! Blogging. What a double edged sword. I totally picked the wrong week to give up sniffing glue.

What say you?

-Iris

Posted in behind the beard, blogging | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 143 Comments

I’ll have what he’s having.

Posted on April 17, 2012 by The Bearded Iris

I’m over In The Powder Room today sharing my counterpoint to my colleague Glen’s brilliant post about internal dialogue and what men see when they look in the mirror.

mirror mirror: Glen and Iris discuss In The Powder Room

 

Come on over and join in the conversation! I’ll save you a seat.

But see you back here tomorrow, m’kay? I could use some advice about a real humdinger of a sticky situation.

-Iris

Posted in behind the beard | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

I actually bought this product just because of the label.

Posted on April 11, 2012 by The Bearded Iris

Let’s put 60 seconds on the clock and see how many jokes we can come up with for this fine product my 12 year old son put in my shopping cart last week:

pic of a bottle of Pat's Ho-Made BBQ Sauce

1.) Typos before hos.

2.) Oh look honey, your cousin Pat and his girlfriend went into business together!

3.) “How’d this gold tooth get in my BBQ sauce?”

4.) I knew it! That androgynous Pat character from SNL is a DUDE! And he likes chicks…chicks who know how to cook, apparently.

5.) Too legit…too legit to quit (stirring my sauce).

6.) How much longer do you think she’s gonna cook for you if you keep calling her that, asshat!

7.) Speaking of asshats…Pat’s Ho-Made BBQ Sauce, bottled and distributed by Rush Limbaugh and Associates.

8.) I’m saucy and I know it.

9.) Pat’s Motto: I like my BBQ sauce like I like my women: hot, sweet, and makes me burn a little when I put it on my dingaling.

Okay that’s all I got.

Help a sister out, yo.

-Iris

Posted in random stuff | Tagged , , , | 76 Comments

And that’s how I cope with jealousy.

Posted on April 10, 2012 by The Bearded Iris

Well it’s Tuesday, so you know what that means: I’m over In The Powder Room over-sharing about something vapid like the approximate muscle tone of other women’s nut crackers.

It’s not much, but it’s what I do.

Also, I may have coined another fabulous new word for vaginas, so go check it out.

But see you back here tomorrow for Wordless WTF Where’s My Kid? Watusi Wednesday. I’m obviously on a roll. Just go with it, m’kay?

expressing pent up feelings so you don’t have to,

-Iris

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When social awkwardness, sobriety, and blogging collide…

Posted on April 9, 2012 by The Bearded Iris

So about that video I posted last Friday…

Over the weekend, it hit me like a ton of placenta teddy bears that I spend WAY MORE TIME online than anyone else I know in real life.

And when you combine my ginormous Internet-based catalogue of bizarre tidbits with the fact that I am not currently drinking, you have the makings for some pretty darn awkward cocktail conversation. We’re talking, “Hey, does this mole look weird to you?” banter. Eeeek.

Rest assured, this will not be much of an issue moving forward because I am either going to become a complete shut-in or I am going to start drinking again just so I can remotely begin to tolerate myself.

But in the meantime, it has dawned on me that some of my readers probably didn’t get the pop culture reference I was trying to poke fun of with my video last week.

Yes, that video was actually a parody (or rather an attempt at a parody) of several recent news stories that caught my eye.

Maybe if I take a step back and explain the background, the video will make more sense.

(Although, in my humble opinion, if you have to explain why something is funny, it really isn’t that funny. And now I’m explaining it, even after that explanation, which is just weird. Ew. Don’t look at me, I’m hideous.)

But here’s the background story just in case you want to know more about why I would ever do such disgusting things (for free…with children…and food…on camera. Oh God, I should be in jail, shouldn’t I).

About two weeks ago I caught a quick teaser on The Today Show about how actress Alicia Silverstone had a “unique way of feeding her baby.”

Oh those morning news show producers are so clever, aren’t they? They always manage to trick me into staying tuned for what promises to be the most unbelievable story EVER!

And for once, I can honestly say, I was NOT DISAPPOINTED!

They actually showed footage of Alicia Silverstone pre-chewing her 10 month old baby’s food and feeding the baby from her own mouth.

It was truly shocking. And also, it was mom-blog GOLD ON A STICK! I couldn’t WAIT to Tweet it, and Facebook it, and blog about it, oh my!

Listen, I do some pretty gross things. My version of “the 5 second rule” is more like “meh, this is from today right?”

And yet, even I was disgusted by Alicia Silverstone’s parenting style.

But I think I was less put off by the physical component of passing masticated food from mouth-to-mouth and more revolted by the notion of doing something for a healthy child that they should do for themselves.

On top of that was another recent news story on NPR about an Easter Egg Hunt in Colorado that was cancelled due to parental aggressiveness.

Swear to God, couldn’t make it up if I tried: parents hopped a rope fence and swarmed the field determined to get their kids a plastic egg.

Normally, I try to model a “live and let live” attitude about parenting. Who am I to judge?

But more and more I’m confronted with examples of egregious “Helicopter Parenting.” This is the popular name given to parents who hover over their children and are super controlling about every element of their lives.

Outlandish scenarios like these are the stuff that humorists dream of. Sure, it might be mean, yes, it might be gross, but oooh-la-la…is it ever good material!

So my video last Friday was my own little way of contributing to the conversation and sharing my two-cents about how ridiculous helicopter parenting can be. Some of the scenes that were cut due to time limitations were of me doing my kids’ homework for them and me cutting my 12 year-old’s food and feeding him with a fork while cooing “open wide for the choo-choo-train!” It’s funny (to me) because it is so ridiculous and yet Helicopter Parenting is SO hot in the news right now.

And it’s not just eccentric celebrity parents either. I know one mom in my own suburban middle class neighborhood who goes online every afternoon, prints out her middle school son’s homework for him (as posted online by his teachers), and files the assignments into color coded hanging folders for him so that when he gets home from school (after she picks him up by car so he won’t be exposed to the dangers of public transportation), he can get started on his homework without delay.

I find this utterly ridiculous. I would no more do this for my son than I would pre-chew his food.

Is she going to go away to college with him and organize his daily workload there too?

I’m no model parent by any means, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to raise a bunch of helpless namby-pamby kids who can’t even chew their own food or find their own Easter eggs.

And that is all I have to say about that.

Now that you know more about the inspiration for my video last week, which was intended to be an over-the-top-parody of current events, perhaps it makes more sense and is (hopefully) more entertaining.

Or maybe it’s still as gross to you as it was last Friday, in which case, please have some pity for me. I’m definitely not right in the head.

sincerely yours and with even more social awkwardness than ever,

-Iris

PS – does this mole look weird to you?

Posted in behind the beard, parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 53 Comments

Helicopter Mom – The Movie

Posted on April 6, 2012 by The Bearded Iris

My kids have been on Spring Break this week. We didn’t go anywhere exciting, unless you count the barber shop, so we’ve been keeping ourselves entertained the old fashioned way: doing super gross things on video for your entertainment. I’m a giver, what can I say.

The following short film was inspired by recent current events. It was written entirely by my children with minimal input by me. I did have to put the kibosh on one scene they wanted to do that involved toenail trimming and my mouth, but other than that, I was incredibly impressed with their comedic timing and ability to craft a compelling story in 4 minutes or less.

Eat your heart out, Alicia Silverstone:

Posted in vlogs | Tagged , , , , , | 63 Comments

How Maroon 5 taught my daughter about rape.

Posted on April 3, 2012 by The Bearded Iris

One in three.

That’s the current global statistic about violence against women.

L-R: R. Vahey / D. Hunter / D. Richards - women star golfers at Kernwood Country Club, Salem

Courtesy of the Boston Public Library, Leslie Jones Collection.

 

One in three women around the world will be raped, beaten, coerced into sex, or otherwise abused in her lifetime. (2003 UNIFEM report “Not A Minute More: Ending Violence Against Women”)

Next time you are hanging out with two of your girlfriends, you can pretty safely assume that at least one of the three of you has been the victim of violence at some point in her life. You might not know it though, because the shame associated with it is so strong that the majority of us don’t ever discuss it or report it.

But this week In The Powder Room, we’re talking about it. We’re ALL talking about it…all day, every day.

I encourage you to join me and my colleagues as we explore various facets including how to raise our sons to not be rapists, surviving childhood sexual abuse, a man’s perspective, is a woman ever to blame?, what is a “Slut Walk”?, and many more tough issues. We all poured our hearts out this week and I hope you’ll get as much out of our work as we put into it.

I am truly so proud to be a part of this group of phenomenal writers and leaders.

Now join me, won’t you, as I share the story of how I accidentally taught my 9 year old daughter about the issue of rape, with unwelcome help from a couple of pop songs.

not lightly,

-Iris

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What NOT to do when someone faints.

Posted on April 2, 2012 by The Bearded Iris

“Ask and ye shall receive.”

I asked you to tell me your most embarrassing freak accidents, and boy howdy did you deliver!

Love, love, LOVE all the great comments you left over the weekend!

I am not always able to respond to every comment personally, but please know that I do read every single one. I particularly enjoyed Colleen’s story about the mutant June Bug/unibrow/bike collision, Delilah’s postpartum fainting spell on the crapper showcasing her newly acquired crotch carnage, and Cynthia’s sewing table/nipple-pinch incident! Holy CRAP!!! I’m pretty sure my unibrow, nipples, and taint are all crying right now in solidarity. But I think the freak accident tale that touched my heart the most was Lizzie’s curious childhood experimentation with weird inanimate objects. Lizzie honey, that is TOTALLY the kind of thing I would have done (and probably did) as a child. Bless our hearts!

So thank you all from the bottom of my vaso-challenged vagus nerve for your awesome stories and well wishes. You definitely made me feel like less of an isolated dork and more like a member of a wonderful community of accident prone freaks from around the globe. I love you guys.

Also, thanks to your awesome comments, I learned some important first aid tips! (Thank you Peg and Kat1e!)

Apparently, my husband and I did everything wrong when he found me face-down on the bathroom floor last week: he moved me (my back and neck are still sore), we didn’t call 911, I took 4 Advil, and I went back to sleep.

Luckily for me, this tale did not end on a tragic note. If my neck/head injury had been any worse, any one of these responses could have permanently maimed or killed me.

But let’s use my experience as a learning opportunity. Someday, you or someone in your vicinity may faint or bump their head. Learn what to do before you find yourself in such an emergency!

As my gift to you, I have combed the Internet for the most clear and concise first aid tips related to my recent injury.

If someone faints, here’s the proper way to respond (according to the Mayo Clinic, which is much more reliable than the Mustard Clinic, aka Poupon U, for health related questions, in my humble opinion).

Head injury? Here’s what to do.

Got bruises? Do this.

I think the main first aid tip I take from this incident, other than trying to stay more hydrated on a daily basis, is that if you suspect a brain injury or concussion:

…use acetaminophen (Tylenol, others). Avoid other pain relievers such as ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin, others) and aspirin, as there’s a possibility these medications may increase the risk of bleeding. (from Mayo Clinic: Concussion)

Now let’s be careful out there. And educate others so they don’t accidentally paralyze you while they’re trying to save your mildly dehydrated life.

And for the love of God, never stick a toilet plunger to your belly, or jump for joy while you’re on the steps, or lean over the mixer with your long hair, or step on a banana peel.

I would miss you if you died a violent sewing table malfunction/nipple-pinching related death!

That is all.

-Iris

 

Posted in health | Tagged , , , , | 9 Comments