The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Category: random stuff (page 1 of 7)

Quit staring at my shuttlecock, ya perv.

Well, it’s Spring Break in these parts, and we’re staycationing this year…again. Spring Break travel requires much more advanced planning than I am ever able to successfully do, so here we are.

Home sweet…holy shit, is there a wasps’ nest in our new screened porch? Doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose of having a screened porch? Awesome.  

But we’ve already made it halfway through the week without major incident, which is pretty good for us. Continue reading

A new way to use my crazy for good at school!

Ever since the year I was an overachieving (see: pill-popping) Kindergarten room mom, I tend to steer clear of volunteering at school. I’ve just found that my kids do better on their own without me being there to, you know, ask questions like “So is the Principal Pal thing rigged, or what? Who do I have to throw some Benjamins at to get one of those frickin’ magnets on my car?”

But you know me, I like to help. I’m just much better behind the scenes: pulling weeds in the school’s butterfly garden, or sending in canned goods, or selling my soul to the devil in exchange for the last existing yellow poly folder with pockets AND prongs in the western hemisphere.

One year I found that the best way I could help was by sharpening all of our teacher’s classroom pencils every weekend. (Those poor teachers have THE WORST pencil sharpeners in their classrooms!) My oldest son Vince would bring home a baggie full of about 100 dull pencils every Friday and I would zone out and reflect on my deep thoughts over the sound of my professional grade X-ACTO whirring away. Very therapeutic. I like my pencils like I like my men: tall, sharp, and with a big, firm, pink… eraser on the end. Ew, what did you think I was going to say?

This year will now forever be remembered as the year my child was finally rewarded for my hoarding tendencies. 

That’s right, people. The stars have aligned and Mini-Me’s math teacher sent out an email this week asking parents to save twist-on bottle caps for a future project.

Uh, like these?

It finally pays to be a hoarder by The Bearded Iris


My sweet child came home all aglow yesterday because apparently I was the only parent to reply to that teacher’s email.

See? We all have our own unique gifts and ways that we can serve others. Mine just so happen to involve repetitive tasks and the DSM-IV. Whatevs. You say PTA, I say PTSD. God bless us, every one.  

So that’s what’s new around here.

But elsewhere…

I overshare on the Internet

Last week I was invited to write this for about moms who “overshare” on the Internet. And apparently it struck a nerve with some people. Granted, I’m not licking my own face repeatedly or slapping my nekkid butt cheeks all up on a gyrating Footlocker employee’s man meat, but still—this article garnered the second ugliest comment I’ve ever received in the five years I’ve been doing this blogging thing. (Which you cannot read because it was not published. As a general rule, the only assholes I pay any attention to whatsoever are my own and my children’s.)

I’m also very excited to be making my debut at Bonbon Break this week to share some of the behind the scenes pinnacles and pitfalls of the whole self-publishing experience. Please check it out!

I hope your Labor Day weekend is everything you need for it to be, times two, with a side of Come Back Sauce, and a free kitten.

Yours truly,


Customer service surprise

I Rock the Powder RoomI’m In The Powder Room today reminiscing about an extraordinary customer service experience I had recently.

Join me, won’t you? One of the commenters (KC) advises that you not have coffee in your mouth while you read it.

You’re welcome.

With love and spotty phone manners,



WARNING: blog fodder ahead

Read Me In the Powder Room!

I’m In The Powder Room today.

And not to toot my own horn or anything, (TOOT!) but the photo and title I came up with are totally worth the click.


Or your money back! Guaranteed! (Minus shipping and handling.) 

Also, it’s spring break here, so I’m trying to keep my children from cannibalizing each other.

But on the plus side, the blog fodder is pretty durn entertaining. Sneak peak: prison references, impromptu field trips, hydroponics, and inappropriate oral jokes. Stay tuned!



Sometimes the Internet surprises me…

The Internet is a crazy place.

Sometimes it breaks your heart. And sometimes it surprises you with a reaction you could never have anticipated.

That was certainly the case last week when I shared this haunting family secret.

And it’s happening again today in response to a potentially controversial article I wrote about the infamous Oscars night tweet by The Onion. (If you have a problem with colorful language, you might want to skip that one. Then again, if you have a problem with colorful language, what the fuck are you doing HERE?)

In related news, I’ve been spending a lot more time lately at my other online home, In The Powder Room. As you may know, I am the Editor-in-Chief there, which means I oversee all the Internet content. We have some truly talented writers on staff and I am blown away every week by the pieces I have the privilege to edit, schedule, and publish. I had no idea when I started this blog four years ago that I would enjoy editing so much, but that opportunity has really been a gift in so many ways.

fangirl2Anyhoooo, just wanted you to know that even though I haven’t been publishing as many things here lately, my Cheez-It flavored fingerprints are all over the daily content there, including new weekly features like Fangirl Friday (ERMAHGERD! That’s me with author Robin O’Bryant over there!), The Five, and Awesome Moments In The Powder Room (with a title like that, you just know I’m the giggling 12-year-old-boy-brain behind it.)

So if you are missing me (and thank YOU if you are!), a great way to keep in touch is to follow In The Powder Room on Twitter, Facebook, and Pinterest. I’ve pretty much got my DNA in every nook and cranny over there. (Ew, sorry for that visual.)

Air kiss…it’s cold and flu season don’tcha know,


We all have that one friend…

we all have that one friend

Not THAT friend. Although we all have at least one of those too, don’t we? (Or at least YOU do, because that would be me…splash!)

No, I’m talking about that friend who hasn’t quite yet figured out which form of electronic communication to use and when.

You know the one…he/she sends out massive group emails on Facebook and spammy DMs on Twitter to say “Thanks for the follow!”

Yeah, that friend (or Grandma…whatever.)

Well I have a thing or two to say about them. And it’s posted In The Powder Room. Please join me over there.

So far the response has been either “LOVE IT!” or “Such language!” so if you don’t like it when I swear, maybe sit this one out and go look at pretty things on Pinterest…like this gorgeous Valentine pin board my friend and colleague Kim is curating for In The Powder Room. I pretty much want to live there. {Sigh.}

with gratitude and a solemn promise to never butt-dial or DM you,

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