The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Category: practical (page 1 of 11)

…and that’s how a ballsy woman scrapbooks.

In honor of Mother’s Day tomorrow, I want to share with you one of my favorite posts from 2011 about my own incredible mother… a woman who continues to inspire me every day. Happy Mother’s Day!


 

Going through my baby pictures recently really got me thinking…

Are you a perfectionist?

I am.

Not in every part of my life, but in many ways, yes.

For instance, I don’t finish most of the projects I start because I fear they won’t be good enough. Or perhaps I am waiting to buy the perfect tool to make the perfect ____________ (scrapbook page, stained glass window, hand woven basket, quilt square, granny square, beaded chandelier… pick a craft, any craft).

This is a very common trait in people with clutter issues. Oh fine, I’ll say it, hoarders.

My mother is not a hoarder or a perfectionist.

Continue reading

‘Tis the season to order business cards…

I’m talking about business cards over In The Powder Room today.

Business Cards 101 by The Bearded Iris In The Powder Room

It’s a good read, and I share some links for free and discounted business cards of your own, so check it out!

If you do decide to design and order your business cards through Moo.com, where I get mine, you can help me earn some free goodies by going there through my refer-a-friend link. Thank you kindly! But no big whoop. This is not a sponsored post. I just really like their products and wanted to share.

And yes, that really is how I organize and store the hundreds of business cards I’ve amassed over the years as a blogger—one ring per conference. It works. Don’t ask me where my kids’ immunization records are right now, but when it comes to the insignificant minutia of my life, I’m an organizational ninja. Sad but true.

Okay, go read. Or at least ogle my custom-made business card holder.

Kiss kiss,
Leslie
 

 

Because computer shit happens…

Here’s how I spent a big chunk of my time this week: nursing a sick iMac back to health.

sick mac

Hey, computer shit happens. It’s unavoidable. But this problem, I fully believe I brought upon myself by tempting fate and pissing off the Techno Gods with my devil-may-care-attitude, scrambled priorities, and unmanaged adult ADD. There’s a valuable lesson to be learned though. And Lord knows I loves me some life-lessons from the School of Hard Knocks, where I am a visiting professor with tenure and a key to the good teachers’ bathroom.

But there is a silver lining…

Dat Ass by The Bearded Iris

 

More details about that story In The Powder Room today. Read it. Learn from me. Don’t tempt the Techno Gods.

With peace, love, a pinch of unoriginal humor, and endless gigs of safe data storage,

~Leslie

You people are sick (and me likee)

Yesterday I published a new post In The Powder Room about homophones (that’s phones, not phobes) and it flopped like my 32-Longs at 7:30 PM every night when I toss my Playtex 18 Hour Hydraulic Lift onto my bedroom chair (where it patiently waits to frighten me the next day):

the bearded iris has a bra stuck to her back

Frankly, I’m a little surprised the homophones post wasn’t a bigger hit, because it was all about naughty sentences. I used words like ‘humping,’ ‘lascivious,’ ‘cavernous areas,’ and funny pimp names. But no, apparently I have ruined you people with my gecko penis pornography.

Yes. I now know that gecko money shots are like a drug, and once you’ve developed a taste for them, you are no longer satisfied with *boring* things like vocabulary and grammar lessons.

I blame myself, really.

I have done this to you.

My gecko groin saga has touched so many of you…and it’s touched you deeply. One reader emailed me yesterday to share:

I’m almost 8 months pregnant and so I have been having crazy delivery dreams. Well last night I delivered a healthy baby boy: half gecko/half baby. And hilariously it had two hemipenises…most of the dream was spent trying to find diapers and clothes that worked! So thanks for the laughs and strange dreams! ~Tannith

I also heard from a funny fellow blogger who was so dazzled by my gecko’s perma-bone that she wanted to blog about it:

Hi Leslie!

I hope your family gecko’s penis is doing better. Who knew all that junk was wrapped up in those scales. In fact I was so impressed that I would like to get permission from you, and of course the gecko seeing it was *his* penis, to include a couple of pictures you posted in an upcoming post about how I’d like to walk a day in his shoes for a writing prompt. I mean seriously, that’s the luckiest gecko in the world. Most people would have left his little lizard pecker hanging out….Please let me know what you think. And just a heads up, if my penis ever pops out, I have left directions with my husband to call you.

~Kari (@Kbar3)

So don’t worry friends. I hear you loud and clear: no more vocabulary or grammar lessons, and more lusty lizard tales. Got it.

Come on back tomorrow for the next installment of Batman’s tell-all diary. But until then, please make sure you know the difference between throws/throes, affect/effect, elicit/illicit, and more. M’kay? Trust me, anyone who reads your words will thank you.

Yours truly and now with exposed reptilian sex glands,
-Leslie

Thanksgiving Pot Pie

You’ve probably already gobbled up all of your Thanksgiving leftovers by now. But on the odd chance that you have a few left and are sick of turkey sandwiches, I wanted to share with you one of my favorite ways to squeeze one or two more delicious (and ridiculously easy) meals out of all that hard labor you did last week.

We call it Thanksgiving Pot Pie, and it couldn’t be easier…or trashier. As if most Thanksgiving casserole side dishes aren’t trashy enough, let’s mix ‘em together and bake ‘em in a pie! Yeee-haw!

This is one of those simple things I assume everyone knows how to do, but when I told my Mom about it on the phone the other day she acted like I had just invented the world’s first combination blood sugar monitor & chip-clip. She then encouraged me to put the recipe on my blog because she didn’t think she’d remember the steps. (Bless her heart.)

So this one’s for you Mom. 

Here’s what you do:

1.) Chop up some leftover turkey into bite sized pieces and throw it in a big bowl.

2.) Add spoonfuls of all your leftover casseroles (except the mashed potatoes…that’s for the topping), and gently fold it all together. I used leftover green bean casserole, sausage & mushroom stuffing, and sweet potatoes this year (along with the chopped up turkey).

3.) Spoon it all into a pie shell (I used frozen, but whatevs).

4.) Top the pie with your leftover mashed potatoes.

5.) Cover with foil and bake in the oven at 375° (or so) for about 35 minutes (or so), then take off the foil so the edges of the crust can brown up and the mashed potatoes can get a little golden brown (about 10-15 minutes more). You want this baby to be piping hot.

If you have any leftover gravy, warm that up on the stove and spoon it over each piece of pot pie as you serve it.

thanksgiving pot pie by the bearded iris

We had this last night with leftover cranberry jelly, corn casserole, and gravy. I even had enough to make a second pot pie and stick it in my freezer for later. Haters gonna hate.

Note: this meal doesn’t bode well with picky kids who segregate their foods like little side dish supremacists. “RACIST!” I cry. “Let your side dishes mingle!” But Bucket Head won’t hear of it. He said this meal “looks like vomit pie.” The nerve. Someday he’ll come around and then he’ll thank me for exposing him to new things.

Or he’ll get a neck tattoo espousing his deep rooted devotion to casserole purity. And I’ll sit around crying in my ambrosia and wondering what I did wrong to raise such a fucking monster.

And that concludes the Thanksgiving portion of our blogging calendar year. Coming soon: the return of Dobbie, our prize winning Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf!

Wishing you abundance and good cheer today and always,

-Leslie

I put the HO in hostess gifts

Traveling this holiday season? Staying with friends or relatives? Eating a holiday meal somewhere besides your own home?

For the love, take a hostess gift! 

Just don’t make the same mistake I made once and give your hostess something she actually needs.

Oh-yes-I-did.

Was it?

A.  A Pinterest-inspired vintage blue mason jar filled with wrinkle cream, a high-powered mini-magnifying mirror, and tweezers

B.  A gift basket of various feminine deodorant products

C.  A lovingly wrapped set of parenting books including The Exorcist, How To Tell If Your Child Is a Sociopath, and Would It Kill You To Discipline That Little Asshole?

D. Something even more offensive

Read Me In the Powder Room!You’ll have to come and read my story In The Powder Room to find out (and then gasp, and then shake your head and make the tsk-tsk sound.) It’s okay. I deserve it.

See you over there.

-Leslie

 

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