The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Category: crafts (page 1 of 3)

…and that’s why I don’t make handmade gifts anymore.

Once upon a time, I was a serial crafter.

I love making things. All kinds of things. Always have.

Earliest crafting memory? When I was about 7-years-old my mom signed me up for a Saturday morning holiday ornament class at the local craft store. I’ve been a craftaholic ever since.

Why, of course I still have those ornaments! Aren’t you adorable to ask! (#hoarder)

This first one was made from a tuna can. Honest to Pete. Nothing says “Welcome Baby Jesus!” like the lingering redolence of Chicken of the Sea…

TheBeardedIrisVintageTunaCanOrnament

Continue reading

Portrait of a Deviant Elf

Dobbie is back! He’s my family’s Elf on the Shelf and he is pretty popular around these parts.

If you’re just joining us, you can catch up on all of Dobbie’s most memorable adventures from the last few years HERE.

I have to admit, I’m enjoying him now more than ever… probably because every time Dobbie makes my kids smile or laugh, it eases my guilt for being such a Halloween slacker this year.

Also, this year, for the first time, Bucket Head has started communicating with Dobbie. Continue reading

Craft Whores – The Wieners!

It’s time! It’s time!

It’s finally time to announce the wieners (a.k.a. winners) of our Craft Whores Contest!

But first, special thanks once again to our wonderful judges for all the time and energy they invested in judging your whorishness. Thank you Robin, Jen, and Kathy! You made the judging process so much more fun (and legitimate). Price Waterhouse has nothing on you bitches.

We also want to take the time to thank our generous sponsors for their prizes and willingness to support such an “unorthodox” venture. Each click on the sponsors below is a vote for the awesomeness of inappropriate humor. (Listen up, big brands.)

 

FunnynotSlutty

Alright, are you ready for some wieners? (If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said that…)

For “Best in Ho,” (our equivalent of overall best) the entry that dazzled us in every way, including craftsmanship, beauty, practicality, vagizness, and overall WOW factor was hands down, The Vagina Muses by Leigh Jackson of Sass Queen Ceramics.

The Muses of Love, Grace & Forgiveness

Leigh will receive a $100 gift certificate to use however she pleases in the WeShop at In The Powder Room.com and also our original Craft Whores logo cross stitch by The Suniverse. Congratulations, Leigh. You can view more of Leigh’s beautiful ceramics here.

For “Most Original,” the entry that wowed, aroused, and educated us the most was Marsha’s Sex Ed Lamps made from repurposed Sex Education slides (three cheers for hoarders!) and desk lamps on clearance from Target (HOLLA)! Holy cow do I wish I could buy these for my son’s Scout hut. You have to go and read Marsha’s captions. Just make sure you don’t have any beverages in your mouth. You’ve been warned.

“Boom Goes the Dynamite” says Marsha, and we couldn’t agree more.

Marsha has won a $50 gift certificate to EdenFantasys and the quite fetching vulva tissue box coozy from Uknit2.

Our “Most Anatomically Correct” prize goes to Ellen of Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms. Ellen, that $85,000 worth of medical school? So worth it. We love that this kitchen twine dispenser is practical, beautiful, a conversation piece, and a potentially useful teaching tool for those impromptu sex ed conversations that always seem to happen in the kitchen during dinner prep. Also, bonus points for bravery. According to Judge Robin, “I like that she was embarrassed by it but did it anyway. Yay for bravery!”

The dangling “Imagine” Vajewelry is my favorite part!

 

Ellen has won a craft basket valued at $50 from Funny Not Slutty as well as this adorable “Queen Bee-otch” painting from our newest sponsor, Cool Bees Artwork and Gifts in Alpharetta, Georgia!

Lastly, we had to invent a new category in order to honor the jaw-dropping fabulousness that was this next entry.

Folks, our award for “Most Jizztastic” goes to the Fifty Shades of Grey Ice Cream with Pearl Necklace Swirl by Logy Express. We are simultaneously horrified, fascinated, and oddly, hungry for ice cream by this emission submission. (Seriously. Can’t. Look. Away.) Or in the ever eloquent words of Judge Robin: “SUPER BONUS POINTS FOR TRIGGERING THE GAG REFLEX.”

And holy beautiful photography too! Logy Express has won a $25 gift certificate to Subversive Cross Stitch and an original “Vive La Deez Nuts” (see what we did there?) by Robin Plemmons.

We’d also like to give a shout-out to Robyn of Hollow Tree Ventures for what we thought was the “Funniest Post” about her Places We’ve “Done It” Scrapbook. Robyn, there is a “Hillblingy” Goblet coming your way!

For “Most Practical (in the event of a blizzard or if you’re one of the Red Hot Chili Peppers)” we really enjoyed Dearest Debi’s Average Joe Willy Warmers. Debi, for future reference, I would have enjoyed them even more if you had photographed them being modeled by Gilles Marini or Gerard Butler. Debi, we hope you enjoy the beautiful clay vulva votive holder that Lady Estrogen has so generously donated to our cause.

And lastly, three “Honorable Mentions” because we can:

Lady Estrogen’s Clay Vulva Votive Holder. I hope she will make more and sell them because I for one would like to give those as teacher gifts this holiday season.

The “Whip Me, Beat Me, Eat Me” aprons by Scents, Love, Rock N Roll. We loved how simple, crafty, and “whore-y” these aprons are. And the hot chicks modeling them made them extra easy on the eye.

The Leather Vulva Gear Knob Cover by Wub Boo Mummy. What a lovely gift she made for her Bro-in-Law! Also loved her hilarious post and photo of her pervy Internet search history.

Ladies, you will each be receiving a hand painted Breathe Mother Fucker magnet by Robin Plemmons. May you proudly display them on your refrigerators in good health.

We’ll be in touch with all the winners via email so we can mail you your prizes ASAP.

As promised, we made badges for all the participants and winners! (Because we love you and we’re fucking awesome.)

Whether you’re a Badass Mofo, a Wiener, you’re twisted, or you just want to brag about the fact that “you went there,” we’ve got a badge for you. Go here and take your pick!

With hot glue, sleep deprivation, and whorish affection,
Leslie

Last Chance to Share Your Crafty Whorishness

Tonight, at 11:59 PM EDT, we will officially close the Craft Whores contest.

“Contest? What contest?” you say?

OMG. Seriously? Don’t make me kick you in the baby maker, bitch.

This is only the single most incredible contest, like, EVER.

Fine. Here’s the CliffsNotes version for you Johnny-Come-Latelies or people with really poor reading comprehension:

It all started the day I showed The Suniverse my boobies and then she said “Bitch Please, Suck It.”

We wanted to find a way to share our mutual love of naughty crafts with our equally twisted good-humored readers, and thus, Craft Whores was born! You create a craft that is inappropriate, then you write a blog post about it and link it up for a chance to win our undying love and fabulous prizes!

I mean really. Cue the Louis Armstrong because is this a Wonderful World, or what?!

We now interrupt this broadcast with an urgent tomato boner:

Hello, gorgeous! I just needed a photo to break up all this boring text. Found that tomato in my CSA last summer and it was too fabulous to not share. As you were.

Where was I? Oh yes, prizes!  So good, they’re worth repeating:

  • A $100 Gift Certificate to We Shop at In The Powder Room
  • A $50 gift basket of craft supplies from Funny not Slutty
  • A $50 Gift Card from EdenFantasys to use on their site
  • A Viva La Deez Nutz painting and 3 Breathe Motherfucker magnets by Robin Plemmons
  • NEW!!! A $25 gift certificate from Subversive Cross Stitch
  • A sculpted vulva candleholder or nut bowl from Lady Estrogen
  • A vulva tissue box cover from Carrie at Uknit2
  • A “Hillblingy” Goblet from moi!
  • Our original Craft Whores cross stitch by my Internet wife, The Suniverse.

You can see photos of the prizes here.

Did you know we have celebrity judges? We do. They rock. Read about them here.

But most importantly, it’s not too late to get in on the fun! And based on the wide array on entries we have so far, the terms “craft” and “inappropriate” are clearly open for creative interpretation. Basically, you can’t go wrong, but if you could, the more wrong the better. 

The criteria on which your craft will be judged are as follows:

  • Best in Ho (overall best)
  • Most Anatomically Correct
  • Most Original
  • Best Effort by an Apparently Non-Crafty Person
  • Honorable Mentions 

So quit yer lollygagging and link-up! Or at least go and snicker about all the other twisted  crafts that 22 other brave souls have already posted.

Here’s where you go to link-up your inappropriate craft blog post and see the entries.

Special thanks once again to our wonderful corporate sponsors whose support, validation, and generous donations have made this venture even more fun for us all!

Craft Whores is proudly sponsored by: 

We Shop

FunnynotSlutty

PS – Several of you have asked us for a fun Craft Whores badge you can put on your own blog. Great idea! We will have one badge for participants and another for winners. Coming soon!

Winners will be announced next Thursday, September 27th.

With peace, love, and porcelain poonannies,
-Leslie

It’s finally here! Time to link up your Craft Whores entry!

ERMAHGERD! The day has come. It is time to start linking up your crafty whorishness!

If you are new here and have no idea what the what I’m talking about, I’ll fill you in with a Haiku (because I’m crafty with words AND glitter):

Craft Whores, a contest
for crafty, funny bloggers.
Link up and win shit!

Need more info? You can get caught up on the whole contest in three clicks:

1.) Introduction to Craft Whores
2.) Meet our awesome celebrity judges
3.) Aw HAYLE yeah, we have sponsors and prizes!

And because I’m still pinching myself that we somehow convinced these amazing women to play with us and judge your crafts (and you, really, if we’re being honest), I feel compelled to name-drop them one more time:

Jen: The Next Martha

Kathy: Crafty Chica

Robin: Balls to the Wall Y’all!

 

 

 

 

 

Speaking of being judged, I bet you’re wondering what our judges will be looking for in your crafts! Well let’s go there, shall we?

Basically, they are going to be looking for creativity, originality, general awesomeness, humor, effort, and in some cases, your familiarity with the human body. Our top three prizes will be as follows:

Best in Ho (the overall best contest entry)

Most Original (as in, wow – that is really unique!)

Most Anatomically Correct 

There will also be honorable mentions for things like effort and shock value.

And The Suniverse and I will each get to pick one or two entries that just tickle us in some way. Hey, it’s our contest. We make the rules.

Remember, this has to be something YOU made. Don’t just steal someone else’s photo from the Internet and claim it as your own. Don’t be that person. Nobody likes that person.

Due to popular demand, we’re going to leave the link up open for one week. It will officially close at 11:59 PM Thursday, September 20, 2012. That’s when the judging will begin. We’ll announce the winners on Thursday, September 27, 2012.

And let’s not forget these awesome folks for donating such fantastic prizes and for making us feel so special:

We Shop

FunnynotSlutty


Adventures in Estrogen

Alrighty then. On your marks, get set . . .



Craft Whores – Sponsors and Prizes

Just joining us? Here’s the scoop:

1.) The Suniverse and I are crafty mofos with dirty minds.

2.) We came up with an idea for a contest called Craft Whores. Get it? Like Craft Wars, but for sick twisted fun people!

3.) Then we introduced you to our awesome judges and established some ground rules: just make something inappropriate and blog about it!

Speaking of awesome judges, they deserve another hello-howdy! Click on their pretty faces below to follow them on Twitter and start buttering them up for judgement day.*

Jen: The Next Martha

Kathy: Crafty Chica

Robin: Balls to the Wall Y’all!

 

 

 

 

 

*Just kidding. We don’t endorse or condone bribery or extortion.

The official link up begins tomorrow (Thursday, September 13, 2012). It doesn’t matter if you link here or at The Suniverse. The linky tool will display your entry on both blogs. (Because we are frickin’ geniuses.) (Geez, I hope we can get that linky thing to work. GULP!)

There! You’re all caught up.

Now it’s time to meet our official sponsors and start drooling over our prizes! Oh yeah baby. That’s right. Shit just got fancy up in huuuur.

Craft Whores is proudly sponsored by: 

We Shop

WeShop is the hot new marketplace at In The Powder Room where bloggers, retailers, and shoppers all come together to make shopping social. Like going to the mall with your girlfriends, but you get to stay in your slippers and avoid those aggressive perfume pushers! One of our lucky winners will receive a $100 WeShop gift card! 

 

 

FunnynotSlutty


Funny not Slutty
features comedy created by female producers, writers, humorists, and comedians, including our own The Suniverse! FnS Original Productions have been featured by Funny or Die, BestViral.com, TVGuide.com, and Internet Video Magazine. They’ve donated an awesome gift basket of crafting supplies valued at $50!

 

EdenFantasys.com invites you to learn from others, share your experiences, and re-discover sex. They offer online shopping, a welcoming community, and a wealth of inspiring resources. One of our lucky winners will receive a $50 gift card to EdenFantasys.com! Bohm-chicka-wah-waaaaah!

But wait, that’s not all!

Other prizes include:

Original artwork by the incomparable Robin Plemmons (one of our judges!)

 

Who doesn’t need a crocheted Vulva Tissue Box Coozy?
Nothing says “God bless you!” like handing your vulva to a loved one
and watching them extract a tissue from it.
This masterpiece was handmade and donated by Carrie of Uknit2

 

Not to be outdone by Lady Estrogen,
who sculpted and donated this gorgeous multipurpose clay vagizness.
Has there ever been a more perfect nut bowl?

 

One of our lucky winners is going home with our original Craft Whores cross stitch designed and created by The Suniverse:

 

And this fabulous New to You “Hillblingy” Goblet
that I picked up at a local craft fair last year,
great for taking your hooch on the go!

 (Don’t worry, I’ma wash it out first.)

Remember friends, you do not have to be an accomplished crafter or artiste to participate!

Also, if you’re nervous about displaying something risqué on your family-friendly blog, I suggest you create a separate super secret blog page, tucked away somewhere sneaky, so that you can still play along, but not everyone who lands on your blog will get a face full of your decoupaged money shot picture frame, or what have you.

Let’s git biz-ay!

See you back here tomorrow for day one of the link-up!

-Leslie

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