Welcome to The Bearded Iris: A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All.
- photo credit: Laura Lee Photography
Once upon a time, I thought I had the world by a string. Twenty years later… not so much, although there have been glimpses of greatness like that time I was on Oprah’s “Clean Up Your Messy House Tour” and the day I survived a snapping turtle attack. But for the most part, these days I’m more of an invisible vessel for providing grandchildren and PTA donations.
So I write.
This blog is pretty much the only place where I can complete a sentence without being asked to open a juice box or wipe a butt. (So quit asking me.) Writing keeps me semi-sane. And if I can make someone laugh or cry or think, then I’ve done my good deed for the day.
One husband, three kids, one dog, one cat, one minivan… you just can’t get any more stereotypical than that. I’m coming to you live from the ‘burbs of Atlanta where the stay at home moms play to win. I am a practicing Cafeteria Catholic with a sincere love for Jesus and boxed wine. I have a knack for saying the things most people are smart enough to keep confined to their heads. Never sit next to me at a funeral or a used appliance store.
A few other tidbits you really should know if we’re going to be friends:
I have excessive facial and body hair, but I’m working on it.
My affinity for anatomically correct and/or inappropriate baking makes some people uncomfortable.
I have a low tolerance for Vagisil commercials, Children’s Picture Bibles, and people who don’t obey car seat laws.
I abhor crafting with children and therefore only do very simple and/or questionable crafts with my brood.
photo credit: Laura Lee Photography
It’s very likely that I was dropped on my head as a child.
Sometimes I let my children do horrible things, and I photograph it.
I’m afraid of old people, things my dog digs up in the yard, and the crazy shit I do for my children on occasion.
And I know how to do lots of things, but keeping house isn’t one of them.
So? Can you come over and play? I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.
-Iris
© Copyright 2008-2012, The Bearded Iris. All rights reserved.
Snap! We shall have to start a mutual appreciation society with a secret handshake and everything. I don’t know how I managed to come across your blog but I’m glad I did – you make me laugh!
Browsing Facebook on a random snow day in North Texas I see an advertisement on the side of the screen for The Bearded Iris. The picture is undeniably an old friend from The Ellis School. You are as funny as I remember. So nice to see you here. I look forward to reading more!
Oh my gosh – Emily! What a great surprise! Thank you for recognizing me and reading my crazy ramblings. A snow day in North Texas, eh?! Hope it passes quickly for you, and/or that you have a good supply of wine.
Wonderful to keep in touch with you! Such fond memories of our “crazy Diane” stake outs together! Remember?
Oh do I remember! I remember a black and white herringbone coat that you “picked up” and I remember the terrible trouble I got in when my mother found out what we were doing – you do know that C.D. is the daughter of my grandmother’s friend. Well I have read more of your blog and I was laughing out loud. You are so freaking funny. I am really going to enjoy this. From now on I will post under an abbreviated name, but one that is identifiable – just wanted my full name there so you would know it was me. Can you believe my married name. Just had to cut the last name in half.
Your a hoot. I’m amazed you haven’t been ostracized in Atlanta (I live here to!). Very interesting blog. The poop pics… a little disturbing but adds to the mystique!
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OMG, you’re really funny, and I think we might have been switched at birth…except that you get to live somewhere warm. Beatch! I found your blog bc you visited mine, and I think I might snoop around s’more bc I think I realllly like it!
Well I love any woman who embraces her muffintop! Your post about how awful it is to shop for swimsuits was hilarious! I don’t even bring my daughter clothes shopping with me anymore because it freaks her out to watch me cry. Thanks for stopping by!
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I have happily landed here via Carrie the Sassy Redhead. You have made me laugh…I may have wet my pants just a bit, but please don’t tell. Consider me a fan!
Nancy
Young American Wisdom
Love your blog
OMG!!!! I stumbled on your blog by accident. You are wonderfully funny! I was trying to find out if what my grandmother told me when I was very young (I’m 73 now) was true and still don’t have an educated answer to my question. I’m trying to find out if it’s true that if you plant different colored irises too close together the colors will neutralize or change.
What a great accident you turned out to be. I don’t suppose you have any info on the bearded irises growing in my yard.
Thank you so much for the chuckles you’ve just given me. I’ll visit you more often now when the stress of tracking down answers to my silly questions gets to be too much.
Dorothy
Hi Dorothy! Oh my gosh, that is HYSTERICAL! I’ve always worried that some dear sweet little old lady gardener (much older than 73) would find something pornographic on my blog by innocently searching for how to divide her Bearded Irises. I’m SO glad you are a gardener with a great sense of humor!
I do not know very much about actual Irises, but I bet my mom does because she is a wonderful gardener. I’ll ask her when I talk to her this weekend and if she knows anything I’ll get back to you.
Thank you for writing and enjoying my blog!
I’m not a woman. I have no kids. I’m not your target audience. But you are freaking hysterical. My good friend Andrew Tarr told me about you and I’m so glad he did. Thanks for the laughs – you’re a really talented writer.
Hey John! I am one of Andrew’s biggest fans (and not just because he and I are actual kin). If you are a good friend of his, you’re automatically in the cool kids club, as far as I’m concerned. And target audience? I’m writing to human beings who love to laugh. If that’s you – you’re in the right place.
Welcome aboard, matey! (Said in my best scullery wench voice.) I have no idea why I’m talking pirate today. Just felt right.