The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Search results: "wordless wednesday" (page 1 of 2)

Semi-Wordless Wednesday: The Free Advertising Edition

 

the bearded iris found a free source of advertising
Yes, it’s true. Not only do my children provide me with a wealth of blog fodder, but they come in pretty handy for advertising too.

And speaking of Advertising, I am busting my hump over here trying to learn more about ad networks and stuff this week. Let’s just say it’s not my forte. When you say “above the fold,” I picture the Shar Pei-like flesh-apron swinging in the breeze below my navel.

TMI?

Sorry.

Back to the Google. (CPM? CTR? CPC? FML.)

Yours truly,
Leslie (aka “Iris”)

PS – I originally shared this photo on Instagram last week (come hang out with me, I’m “BeardedIris” there).

WTF Wednesday – Parking Lot Pariahs

I’ve tried Wordless Wednesday. Pretty tough gig when your passion is words.

I’ve also tried What I Wore Wednesday. Those may have been my four least favorite blog posts ever.

So rather than continuing to force my stubbly square peg into round, perfectly coiffed holes, I’m making an executive decision to dedicate this Wednesday to something I’m actually good at: shaking my head, raising my hands in despair, and saying WHAT THE FUCK! 

Yes, my friends, it’s officially known as WTF Wednesday. And unlike the word “vajillion,” I did not invent it.

For those of you ESL readers of The Bearded Iris, WTF is an expression people use to succinctly express a combination of utter disbelief and disgust. Mothers of young children are particularly familiar with this feeling, especially upon the discovery of bodily excretions in odd places like walls, ceilings, or door handles.

I probably mutter/sigh/shout/sob this glorious phrase several times each day, so the challenge for me will be to pinpoint and highlight just one mindboggling topic each week.

This week, my most profound WTF experience was a no brainer:

Say it with me, friends: WHAT. THE. FUCK!

I know what you’re thinking: Iris is going to get her ass killed one of these days taking pictures of cars and bad drivers.

Maybe so. But totally worth it. This is precisely the kind of crap that pushes me over the edge. If I don’t do SOMETHING about it, I will most likely explode. And like my husband says, “At least she’s not keying cars anymore.”

I took this shot last week at my daughter’s overcrowded elementary school, where parking is always at a premium. And I’ll have you know this car is nowhere near the entrance to the school, so don’t get all compassionate on me and give this d-bag the benefit of the doubt. Chances are pretty good the driver was not racing to administer an EpiPen to a child in advanced stages of anaphylactic shock.

And I can’t imagine the driver of this vehicle is strategically trying to protect the sides of her Armada by purposely taking up two parking spots. If it was a vintage cherry Mustang, that would be one thing. But a late model Japanese SUV? Don’t think so.

Nope. This is just vehicular inconsideration at its finest.

Was he in *that* much of a hurry to volunteer in little Johnny’s classroom that he couldn’t take 30 extra seconds to straighten out his parking job? If he’s two minutes late will the kids in that class miss their opportunity to make 3-D topographic maps of the state of Georgia out of candy and marshmallow dough? Don’t get me started.

This level of inconsideration is deplorable to me. And in a public parking lot where everyone can see and take pictures and slash your tires? Dumb ass.

And I see it all the time.

Earlier this week at my daughter’s dance school:

Are you effin’ kidding me?

This parking lot is so small and crowded that people regularly have to park up the street and walk across a weedy meadow to get to the school. But this lady is going to prevent an additional car from parking here, in the RAIN? Really? She’s lucky Bucket Head was asleep because I was *this close* to cramming my big ass Mombulance into that spot and swinging open my door over and over and over. Can’t you just hear me: “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry! I couldn’t get out. I guess you didn’t realize it, but there are handicap spots closer to the front door for folks with special needs, bless your heart!”

Twat waffle.

I don’t know who died and made me the head of the Brigade Against Asshole Drivers (BAAD), but what’s done is done. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to vent about it.

Clearly, dealing with such inconsideration on such a regular basis is enough to cause any decent citizen to hit the crack pipe. But instead of letting these idiots get me down, I’m going to find a more constructive way of managing my stress.

We are in the process of (slowly) remodeling our master bathroom and I wonder if there is a special shower head like this fab little Monoglide that can soothe away my road-rage-induced stress. Perhaps Professor Toilet can help. And if not, maybe I can borrow his sick-ass wrench to leave a little hello-howdy on the next poorly parked car I see.

Just keeping it real, one parking lot at a time,

-Iris

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.
All rights reserved.

The Ins and Outs of Shopping for Sex Toys

So apparently May is National Masturbation Month.

I know!

I just found out too. And that’s probably a good thing because between all the end-of-year class parties and recitals and Mother’s Day and my anniversary, etc., there was just no time for playing solitaire, if you know what I mean.

But since there are three more days left in the month of May, why not celebrate in style! Who’s with me? Raise your other hand if you agree.

Speaking of the One-Handed Watusi, did I ever tell you about the time I hosted a sex-toy party? (Yes, actually I did, but it was so X-Rated that I had to take it down to protect the innocent.)

Seriously, it was nuts.

some random drunk lady wearing a giant suction cupped dildo as a hood ornament

That's gonna leave a mark...

It’s incredible what kinds of things the kids are putting on the ends of suction cups these days. I bought one of those for my Mother In Law to hang a sun-catcher on her kitchen window, by the way.

Well I’ve written a Reader’s Digest version of my party for your perusal In The Powder Room today, so check it out. (Sorry, Reader’s Digest…I know you would never use the word clitoris multiple times in a blog post, but I couldn’t think of another analogy.)

Also, even though masturbation is typically done alone, I’ve brought a friend. You all know and love her as Kvetch Mom and she’s making all kinds of sexy noises in the next stall In The Powder Room today, so you’re welcome.

But see you back here tomorrow for a Wordless Wednesday you are not going to want to miss!

with (self) love,
-Leslie and/or Iris

 

Veggies Gone Wild

It’s Wordless Wednesday in the blogosphere.

But today I’m going to call it Wondrous Wednesday.

Have you ever been stopped in your tracks by a vegetable? I have.

Well hello, gorgeous!

This is a real tomato.

I selected it myself from my local CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) last week.

Well of course I did. Hello? A tomato with a stiffy? Like the cutest puppy in the window, yelping my name: “Pick ME, Iris. CHOOOOSE ME!”

So I brought him home, and I photographed him, and then we castrated that bad boy and ate him up. And he was remarkable. Possibly the best I’ve ever had. Still have the tomato juice stains on my t-shirt to prove it, Monica Lewinsky style.

There is something so delightful to me about buying from a local farm where the produce is a little wild and randy at times. I applaud the farmers who picked this tomato off the vine and gently placed it in the tomato crate, probably with a smile on their faces. You won’t find a tomato like this at the Piggly Wiggly, that’s for damn sure.

sincerely and with gratitude,

-Iris

P-to-the-S: if you like my amateur veggie porn and want to help others find and enjoy it too, vote for The Bearded Iris. I’m currently on page 1 of the Top 50 Mom Blogs at Babble.com!

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.


Lousy Grammar

It’s (Almost) Wordless Wednesday here at The Bearded Iris’ Blog-o-Fun:

I don’t know what bothers me more… the potential lice infestation or the grammatical error. I know it’s only preschool, but he already has a pretty profound speech impediment and SpongeBob for a babysitter.

Itchy. So itchy.

-Iris

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

 

Our funny cat

Wordless Wednesday starring Nature Boy (the kid) and Gracie (the cat):

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

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