Portrait of a Deviant Elf

Dobbie is back! He’s my family’s Elf on the Shelf and he is pretty popular around these parts.

If you’re just joining us, you can catch up on all of Dobbie’s most memorable adventures from the last few years HERE.

I have to admit, I’m enjoying him now more than ever… probably because every time Dobbie makes my kids smile or laugh, it eases my guilt for being such a Halloween slacker this year.

Also, this year, for the first time, Bucket Head has started communicating with Dobbie. He writes little notes and leaves them around the house and it is just PRECIOUS. Very motivating, if you smell what I’m cookin’.

Here’s the first one I found:

Bucket Heads first note to our elf Dobbie via The Bearded Iris

Hey, he’s 6-years-old. Don’t judge.

Then I found this one:

Bucket Heads second note to Dobbie via The Bearded Iris

Allow me to interpret: “Dobbie, why don’t you ever hide in my room?”

I think we all know where Dobbie hid that night.

After that, Bucket Head’s big sister got in on the act. Of course her note was less “I like you, let’s hang out more often,” and more “Please tell Santa I’ve been good and also I want these eleventy-billion items for Christmas.”

Dobbie doesn’t like when the kids get “The Gimmies.” That’s not what Christmas is all about, yo.

To remind the kids of that fact, here is how they found him the next morning:

Dobbie awaiting the birth of the Christ Child via The Bearded Iris

Well-played, Dobbie.

Yes, our manger is empty. Baby Jesus doesn’t arrive in our crèche until Christmas morning. (Partly because that’s the nativity story, and partly so Bucket Head doesn’t wander off with him, like he has a tendency to do.)

Okay, enough jibber jabber. You’re here for the elf porn. I get that.

But before we get to the money shot, I just wanted to share a little backstory about how Dobbie’s deviant mind works. You see, he’s not really a sicko. He just has the mind of an 8-year-old kid whose development was stunted somewhere between the anal and phallic Freudian stages. It’s really not his fault. He’s just immature. 

And that leads to a lot of Elfin Beavis and Butthead snickering and “That’s what she said” jokes. We, I mean HE, can’t help it.

For instance, the other day Bucket Head and I were cutting out paper snowflakes from cheap white coffee filters. It was really fun and easy! (Pro tip: I used a warm dry iron to flatten out the ridges before we hung them on the windows.)

Coffee Filter Snowflakes at The Bearded Iris

Quite the wholesome family winter craft, I must say!

That is… until I noticed one of Bucket Head’s snowflakes was a little, uh… suggestive:

Is that snowflake just happy to see me via The Bearded Iris

I don’t know. Maybe those look like little fire hydrants to some people. Or chess men. But apparently Dobbie got one peek at that snowflake and his twisted mind started reeling.

One thing led to another and the next thing I knew, Dobbie decided to cut out some of his own snowflakes.

Fortunately I got a few pictures and was able to hide the not-so-family-friendly snowflakes before the kids woke up.

The photos were so good, I decided to give them to my friend Kim for Christmas. She is showcasing one of them today on her glorious blog, Elfshaming.com. If you enjoy a little adult humor of the Inappropriate Elf variety, please go see Dobbie’s handiwork over there. Totally worth the click. I promise.

In the meantime, Dobbie and I have a holiday wish for you and yours:

May you find the humor and joy in every task on your mounting to-do list this holiday season and beyond.

(Heh heh heh, I said mounting.)

About The Bearded Iris

Leslie Marinelli is a writer, humorist, blogger, life hacker, and invisible vessel for grandchildren and PTA donations.
This entry was posted in Christmas, crafts and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Portrait of a Deviant Elf

  1. L. Hewitt says:

    pro tip?

  2. Carrie says:

    Apparently, Bucket Head and I are on the same level.

    I totally got ‘ever’ out of ‘avor’.

    Yep. Same level. Not too good for Bucket Head.

  3. I must be really sick because even the fire-hydrant interpretation of Bucket Head’s snowflake seems accidentally dirty to me. But, dude. Fire hydrants aren’t sexual.

    Are they?

    What is WRONG with me?
    The world may never know.

  4. I am glad that elf does not visit here. I think he would bother me. I would have to butt him.

    heh heh I maaaed butt.

    PS – I have had a serious maaaaing to with the publicist about her very bad performance with the Goat of the Day. Let’s just maaa that she will be on the ball from now on and that she sits gingerly now.

  5. Jane says:

    My nephew was visiting and his Elf-Harold made the surprise trip from San Diego to Denver. It was fun- but the Elf-pressure (as my sister calls it) was looming each night for sure. We couldn’t handle it and Harold joined us in relaxing with some Jim Beam. I love Bucket Head’s notes!

  6. lisa thomson says:

    I’m thinking the owner of this Dobbie elf is to blame for the sick sens of humor ;). Do elves have owners, like pets or are they completely self sufficient?

  7. Snappy says:

    Haha! Just stopped by your entry on elfshaming! Love it. :)

    How cool that Buckethead started leaving notes for Dobbie – I’m looking forward to the day that my little ones will do the same.

  8. Rachel says:

    This is awesome!!!! Bucket Head’s notes are so cute! My six-year-old son writes like that, too! Nothing like a phonetically spelled note to warm to cockles of your heart.

    I wonder if my husband would notice if I hung penis snowflakes up in our bedroom? Hmmm…
    (she said hung penis! Heh heh!)

  9. Misy says:

    I love to read happy elf posts. We like ours, too! Last night my 7-year-old prayed that Bingle would hide in his room; like with Bucket Head’s request, there was no doubt about where that elf would end up!

    And I DIED at his inappropriate activities. Fabulous.

Comments are closed.