Have I ever told you about my friend Robin O’Bryant?
We met online a couple of years ago through mutual friends and hit it off like peanut butter and chocolate. When we finally met in person at a blogging conference it felt like coming home, minus the piles of clutter and that wet dog smell.
Robin and I have the kind of relationship where I can text her questions like “Bucket Head says his butthole is itchy. I’m scared,” and she’ll text back sage advice like “Whatever you do, DO NOT Google Pinworms,” and then digitally hold me while I reply, “Too late. OMG. MY EYES!!”
I loved this book SO MUCH, I actually managed to get off my butt and write an Amazon review for it:
I found myself laughing so hard that I thought the flight attendant was going to alert the Air Marshal… Robin O’Bryant makes me want to be a better mother and start calling my vagina a “coo-coo” or a “Britney.” And thank God my kids aren’t the only ones who walked around holding their own turds… in their HANDS. (“For. The. Love!”) I will definitely be sharing this book with all my mama-friends!
So, seriously, you need to buy this book.
Need more proof that Robin is one funny mother? Her three young daughters innocently call the fuel tank opening on her minivan a “gashole.” I know, right? Don’t you wish you thought of that?!
Lastly, let me leave you with this timely gem that Robin published last year at In The Powder Room. She was one of the first guest writers I ever had in my new job as Editor-in-Chief last fall and I could not love this post more if it was attached to my own placenta.
It’s not you, it’s me
I’d like to tell you that we aren’t such a great fit, that maybe you would find someone else better suited for you. But honestly? I think you may need professional help. I can’t be your everything. I can’t “complete” you. Jerry Maguire was a really subpar movie and you shouldn’t buy into that BS.
It’s not that I’m not attracted to you. You are cute. I could lay in the bed, snuggle with you and talk to you all day. When you are in the mood, that is. But there’s a darker side to you.
I just… I need to see other people… people who share common interests. People who believe I have value as a person and don’t interrupt me every time I open my mouth. I need to be around people who understand proper phone call etiquette—who know not to talk when I’m talking.
I AM TALKING!
Did you just THROW something at me?
See, this is the other thing. I’m tired of you hitting me. I value myself. I deserve better. I demand better.
You deserve better. You need to find people like you—short people who like to savor the taste of a nice 8-pack of crayons with a side of glue.
So really, I know you love me and I realize you think that I am, ‘Da Best Mommy in the Whole Wide World EBER,” but you are going to school today.
It’s not you, it’s me.
And a little bit you.
I love you, have a great day. Now get out of the car.
(Originally published by In The Powder Room. Reprinted with permission.)
Robin O’Bryant is a syndicated humor columnist, author and blogger living in Mississippi. Her three daughters keep her laughing and/or gagging every day. She started blogging to document her family’s lives together and as a way to make other moms laugh and realize it REALLY is funny, when it’s happening to someone other than YOU! Connect with her on Twitter @RobinObryant.