The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Nine things I will never say at home

My husband and I have been watching a lot of TV at night lately. I mean A LOT… like entire-seasons-of-things-in-three-days-a-lot.

The good news is that there is some great stuff on TV these days: Downton Abbey, The Walking DeadOrange is the New Black, Call the Midwife


Maybe it’s time for some TV detox.

At least until the new season of The Walking Dead.

But until then, all this couch-time reminded me of a list I wrote last year. It might be new to you, and it will give me a chance to make my family room look and smell less like one of those Febreze commercials.

 Nine things I will never say at home:

#9   “Here Honey, you hold the remote.”

#8   “Could you please turn down the TV? I want to be able to hear the kids… and you, eating those grapes.”

#7   “You know what would take my mind off these cramps? A big black dog all up in my biznatch.”

#6   “NOOOOOO! For the love of all that is Holy, catch the fucking BALL!”

#5   “Wait—let ME answer the phone! It’s probably your Mom and I’ve been dying to hear all about her new chair. It swivels, you know!”

#4   “Mmmm, these throw pillows smell awesome.”

#3   “Nah, who needs a Ryan Gosling movie? Let’s go upstairs and keep the lights on.”

#2   “Microwave S’Mores? Gross! I’d rather have one ounce of unsalted raw organic fair trade almonds, thanks.”

#1    “I can’t see the TV; my boobs are in the way.”



  1. #3. LMFAO!!!

  2. #5 – dying. I avoided talking to my MIL for four years after moving to Canada, until she came to visit…

  3. Hilarious!!

  4. Awesome. And that pic is priceless.

  5. #4 to the moon and back.
    WTF is that smell on my damn throw pillows??

  6. Choked on my coffee at number 3. Awesome.

  7. “bizsnatch”. Awesome. And the photographic evidence of the labrador is even better.

  8. I’m distracted by your pink pants. What big black dog?

  9. Love, love the dog photo! And #3 and #1!

  10. I’m glad it’s not just my throw pillows.

  11. You forgot one.
    #10 “Don’t look at ME! I am far too well mannered to let an SBD* slip out.”

    LCM x

    * silent but deadly

  12. You have got to quit posting that picture! Get some rest.

  13. #1 … sooooo #1. All I use them for is to tell the weather.

  14. Ha! This is hilarious and sounds exactly what I wouldn’t say at home. Especially about the boobs. I need to start a fund.

  15. OMFG. That is some seriously funny shit right there.

    In my household there is often some variation of #9 and definitely#5. I adore my mother in law but she’s a bit on the negative side at times so I always tell my husband, “It’s YOUR mother so you need to call her/answer the phone.” He tries to avoid her and I usually yell at him for it. LOL.

  16. Clearly, I need a dog.

  17. So in my eagerness to begin reading what you wrote I skipped the title (something I do often when reading books-who needs chapter titles anyway?) and as I read each one, I thought there’s not a chance I would say ANY of these things – what the hell is the Bearded Iris talking about?! I thought we had a connection, a kinship…but wait, let me go back to the top to find out what the hell this is all about…aaahhhh, nevermind. Another humorous, make me giggle and pee (just a little) post. Keep ’em coming little lady!

  18. Love the list! …especially #8 (I HATE, Hate, hate hearing people chomping and chewing), #4 (mine are dog and fats… my throw BLANKETS smell the worst—even after laundering), and #1.

  19. What’s wrong with 100% unsalted organic fair trade almonds??? I’M TOTALLY JOSHING YOU. I might say #1, but only if I were hanging upside down. Cuz they’re floppy and saggy like that.

  20. “It’s a good thing you didn’t turn the fan on this morning. I love brushing my teeth in the aftermath of your morning dump.”

  21. Love this! I want to print it out and say each one to see what happens when I do! I think they would stare at me and wonder if it was official…mom was on the edge and jumped off…..

  22. “Don’t get up Honey, I’ll GET MY OWN drink/cell phone/crying child/laundry buzzer….” Is it wrong I am so very grateful he pampers me, but not so grateful that I could ever be as sweet to him? UGH. I dunno what you are thinking about farting…it is the Novak Mating Call around here. Maybe. Or not. And maybe that s’plains some things. And all these weeks I have thought it was the little kids who live here and won’t leave.

  23. JD @ Honest Mom

    October 22, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    #8 – OMFG I don’t want to hear anyone in my house eating. EVER. Every human in this house is such a gross eater. GAH!

    #4 – Christ almighty, why DO my pillows smell so rank? Really. Why???

    #3 – *snort*

    #1 – yup. Me too.

  24. UGH with the grapes already! My husband always does that! Or cashews, which are worse, because they also smell like nasty feet.

  25. I’ll have a #7, please, no, make that a #8 with extra grapes, NO!, a #5…oh heck, I love them all. Funny stuff.

  26. Words cannot express how much I love that post. Preach on, sister.

  27. Are we twins?

    We are, aren’t we?

    Except for the boobs thing.

  28. OMG, number 8 almost made me choke. This whole list is too funny.

    LOL at all the comments too.

  29. I’m three episodes away from the end of OITNB, and I’m dreading it. How awesome is that show??

  30. What is it with big black dogs and our crotches? I’ve got one (a dog and a crotch) who does the SAME thing. Good luck to you and the swivel chair convo 😉

  31. #5 might be why we cancelled our home phone. Maybe.

  32. I might add… Oh no. Not HGTV. I want Duck Dynasty. Yes- like THAT’s ever gonna happen. Sheesh….

  33. Yes, I love this list! My guy eats cereal in front of the t.v. when I’m watching a show. It’s quite loud…LOL. I’ll turn the volume up next time.

  34. You’re too damn funny. #3 and #5 Lol! Yeah, we’re all waiting for TWD…but I’m telling ya–I need to get you hooked on just one more show–American Horror Story. Lots of Walking Dead fans are into it—just make sure you never sleep alone after watching it…..

  35. That’s it – I’m stealing the picture and framing it.

  36. Haaaaa ha. TV watching would be much better for everyone if everyone had their own TV.

    Including the dog.

  37. Dexter, Ray Donovan, The Next Supermarket Superstar, Project Runway, The White Queen, Rizzoli and Isles, reruns of Modern Family.

    Looking forward to,the Walking Dead and Homeland!

  38. Um… I’ve said no. 6. More than once.

    And I had to scroll back up to make sure no. 6 was really the one that I thought it was. Didn’t want you to think that was all about big black dogs being all up in my business.

  39. I love you. Really. Is that too much? Probably, but I don’t care.

    I love the way you write. I love the way you plug your friends’ projects. And I love your lists.

    Ok, I’m done now. Promise, no stalksies.

  40. #5 – hahahaha! Orange Is the New Black. Watched it in two days. Withdrawal was tough. Weaned myself with the book. Now I just get the shakes a little.

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