A Full Circle Cornhole Moment

My 6-year-old son Bucket Head wants to be a Tiger Cub.

It’s all he’s been talking about for two weeks: “MOM! THEY GET TO SHOOT BOWS AND ARROWS! AND GO CAMPING! AND RACE PINEWOOD DERBY CARS!!!”

Is it just me, or does this statue look like a giant turd?

Is it just me, or does this bronze statue look like a giant turd?

Bucket Head was made to be a Cub Scout. The kid can’t walk without finding and picking up sharp sticks wherever he goes.

So we went to the Cub Scout Roundup last night; sat and listened and whooped and hollered at all the appropriate cues; and then when the Cubmaster asked for volunteer Den Leaders, it was so quiet you could hear a flea fart.

Honest to Pete, the only sound in the joint was the cafeteria clock going tick-tick-tick as all the parents put their heads down and avoided eye contact with each other.

Cubmasters must be used to this response because they played it pretty cool.

…for the first five minutes.

And then the begging began in earnest.

One of the other leaders approached my husband who has worked with my oldest son’s Boy Scout Troop for years and said, “Jim? How about you? Ready to be a Den Leader?”

“Sorry, Bob. Can’t do it this year.”

“Oh, come on. It’s only an hour a week and the first four meetings are totally planned out for you.”

“No can do, man. I’m already spread way too thin.”

tick-tick-tick

“Anyone? Folks, we can’t have a Tiger Den without two Den Leaders,” the Cubmaster pleaded.

tick-tick-tick

“Do it for the kids! We’ll help you. There is training!”

You could see the panic sprawled across all those sweet little 6-year-old faces.

“What’s happening, Mom?” one of the boys whispered.

Nobody was stepping up.

A bead of sweat slowly trickled down the face of the dad across the table from me as he busied himself on his iPhone.

Uh-oh. This is bad, I thought to myself.

tick-tick-tick

And just when it looked like poor little Bucket Head wasn’t going to get to be a Cub Scout after all, a small voice piped up from the back:

“I’ll do it.”

A universal, audible sigh of relief reached everyone’s ears at once. 

Wait, who said that?

Who is that crazy woman in the back raising her hand?

Hey! I know her! Hi!

Oh no.

Hold on, folks.

She might not be the best choice.

Isn’t she a… a… a humorist?

I mean, she overshares on the Internet. And she has a book on Amazon about lady bits and stuff!

Oh well. Too late now.

Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to your newest Cub Scout Den Leader!

(It’s me. Say hello to me. Thanks. I get tired of talking to myself, y’know?) 

Yeah. I’m just as shocked as you are.

(But I’m pretty excited about the uniform!)

So we’ll have to see how it goes. I’m bracing myself for the very real possibility that I will be deemed “unacceptable” as a Cub Scout Den Leader based on my, well… me-ness. But like I tell my kids all the time, beggars can’t be choosers. You don’t want someone like me* heading up your Tiger Cub Den? Then step up.

But in the meantime, I already know one of the crafts we’ll be doing! The boys are going to LOVE IT!

To help you fully appreciate what an enormous full circle moment this is for me and my family, I’ve spruced up one of my very first blog posts for you about the time I played Cornhole and perfected the art of the Dutch Oven at Cub Scout Family Camp five years ago. It’s probably new to you, and it is one of my all time favorites. Enjoy!

© 2013 The Bearded Iris

About The Bearded Iris

Leslie Marinelli is a writer, humorist, blogger, life hacker, and invisible vessel for grandchildren and PTA donations.
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44 Responses to A Full Circle Cornhole Moment

  1. You’re a better mother than I. I would have crawled underneath one of the tables and curled into the fetal position. I bet you’ll make a kick ass Den Leader, though!

  2. FiveOGrrl says:

    i WOULD DO IT, BUT THEY HAVE THE “ISSUE” WITH MY KIND……..

  3. Lea says:

    Those boys are in for an adventurous, fun filled year. I’m a smidge jealous of them. Bravo for stepping up.

  4. Stacia says:

    NO WAY!!! LOL!! Oh man, I can’t wait to hear what comes of this!

  5. See, this is exactly why I hire a babysitter to take my kids to all of their events- I always break under to pressure of silence!

    Well…congratulations? And hey, if that turd craft doesn’t get you off the hook, I can always email you the Beaver Baby tutorial;)

  6. Henry Mowry says:

    Being a Den Leader is a GREAT job. Think of all the stories you’ll get to share here about how much work it is shaping the minds of the young men in your charge? Bravo!

  7. Good for you for stepping up! Now, I’m going to need you to post a picture of yourself in the uniform immediately.

  8. Added up for each kid, we’ve spent about thirty cumulative years as scout leaders. It’s just an hour a week. :laughs maniacally and disappears in a puff of smoke:

  9. Well, if you need a field trip to a real field…..

  10. Leslie says:

    That cornhole post is hilarious! Especially so, because I live in Ohio, home of Cornhole. Wait, that doesn’t sound quite right. Congratulations, Den Leader!

  11. You are the perfect choice! Nobody will get choked out is Mommy can throw out some cathartic sarcasm! But you are also very, VERY brave…

  12. Michelle says:

    Awesome! And the same thing happens everywhere apparently, because the same crickets become loud at our meetings. I’ve been roped in to secretary for years 2 and 3, and treasurer for 4 and 5. Good luck!

  13. Ok I am going to sound like the worst mom in the world but…THANK GOD MY VOLUNTEER DAYS ARE OVER!!!!!!!!! I got suckered into everything for my 4 kids….I lived in my mini van which always smelled like sweaty kids and dirty feet….all I did was drive back and forth and serve on every committee…which meant serving hot dogs and selling tickets and wiping noses and checking for head lice and….ok that’s another story. Good luck to you my friend–you are right to do this shit while you’re young because your kids really DO remember all that you did for them when they get older and they will be grateful that you stepped up when no one else did! XO

  14. Kris the Colts Fan says:

    Ehrmagerd…..you will be the BEST den mother EVER!!!! The stories that your cub scouts will pass down to future generations will be epic….legendary. And who the sam hill doesn’t like making poop??? Best. craft. ever.

    Congratulations.

  15. Nikki says:

    I cannot come at the sight of grown men in shorts and long socks wearing a scarf no matter how well intentioned – I had trouble choking back a comment at my own Cub Scout sign up earlier in the week, I am a bad person obviously.

    Thankfully no volunteers required there, Den leaders were more than accounted for. You did though have to volunteer for at least one event in the calendar to complete sign up – mine is very far in the future, I am hoping they send reminder emails.

    I look forward to your upcoming woggle styling post.

  16. Bernie Bickers says:

    You? Really? I shudder to think of the Merit Badges those kids are going to earn:

    Campfire Fart Ignition
    Bawdy Humor Achievement
    Hoarding Ranger
    Etc…

    Actually, when I was a Cub Scout, one of the moms was our den leader and it worked out fine. I think you’ll do a great job but please try not to lose any of the kids at the Jamboree.

  17. *high five* I am in the process of doing the same thing. Everyone wants it to happen here, but no one wants to lead, so I offered. We’ll see if we actually get it going!

  18. Here’s an idea for the first craft – everyone needs to buy your book, then make it into a tent or something. Or get 4 new volunteers to sign it. Somehow you can profit off this I am sure. One final thought – Den Mom = Blog Material

  19. Astra says:

    Good for you! Congratulations – I think ;-)
    You described a scene that is played out far too often in girl scouts, boy scouts, clubs and minor sports associations all across North America. Now that you’ve accepted you’re destined to be overextended and under-appreciated … but who cares? Because YOU WILL LOVE IT.

  20. L. Hewitt says:

    This is why I love you. Congratulations & Good Luck!

  21. Rootietoot says:

    good on you! I didn’t even have to check the link to see what the craft was. Then I did, and was RIGHT. I never did that, all that leadership stuff. I look forward to STORIES. That’s why you did it, right? for the STORIES.

  22. Kate says:

    I was a Cub Scout leader from Tigers through Boy Scout bridging. My husband was Cubmaster. It was a lot of work, but it WAS worth it. The kids had a great time, and most of them lived to talk about their time in Cub Scouts. However, at the Arrow of Light ceremony, I told them that I’d handmade each of the arrows for them, and if I heard that they shot their arrows from a bow, “I will cut you!” I figured by that point, they couldn’t kick me out!

  23. Elisa Edgington says:

    Hooray! I would LOVE it if my kids had a group leader like you. Granted, that might be more because I have a slight woman crush on you, and would just hope that we could be friends at some point… but anyway, go you!

  24. KBar3 says:

    I want to be a Tiger Cub in your den!

    Seriously, I know that feeling. I became my daughter’s soccer coach. It lasted one season. She would NOT listen to me on the field. I did my time. You know, for the kids. The team broke up the next season. I call that a success (for me). Somehow, I got roped into being an asst. coach on her new team. Now I just tell the head coach on her, and he makes her listen to me.

  25. Carrie says:

    I knew it before I got to it. You. I just knew it.

    You. Surrounded by a bunch of little boy farts and crotch adjusting.

    And let me tell you this: By the end of this gig, this group will be the best farters and adjusters out there!

    Congrats to the nth degree. I sure hope these little dudes know how good they’ve now got it!! =)

  26. I want you to be my Den Leader.

  27. Laurie Hite says:

    Hilarious! The same thing happened to me four years ago. Be careful, I found myself barfing on a nature hike this summer at Weblos Resident Camp–that would be year number four as a reluctant “leader” of scouts. If you find the loop hole out, let me know!

  28. Jane says:

    You are so good! I can’t wait to hear the stories!

    And btw- I just got my book and I was laughing so hard on the coach last night Mark got mad at me!

  29. Sheila says:

    NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! WTF were you thinking….oh clearly you weren’t! lol Do you not remember what we went through this past year….Oh crap….I should have called and reminded you before that meeting last night! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  30. Allysgrandma says:

    I love you.

  31. Dawn@LightenUp! says:

    Ah . . . I, too, have heard the small voice – the one that ended up being my own.
    “I’ll do it.”
    Three words. They strike fear into my very soul.

  32. Kari says:

    I’d be a terrible den leader/mother, whatever the hell they call them. I hate other people’s kids! Nice craft choice though. Very educational, fun, very green. Haha! Just don’t have them make dryer balls… Good luck!!

  33. Carrie says:

    I don’t know why, but I read this again.

    Yes. It’s a turd.

  34. Lady Jennie says:

    Go forth! And be … warm and well fed (and stuff).

    (good luck) ;-)

  35. Leigh Ann says:

    I too pipe up during uncomfortable, awkward silences. Hopefully you won’t regret it like I usually do. :)

  36. Way to go Inappropriate Mama! I bet you reset the standard for Den Leaders everywhere. *evil smile*

  37. Jennifer says:

    This is the EXACT thing that happened to me with Girl Scouts the first year. Starting my fourth year. I both love and hate it. I love my girls. Oh gosh how do I love my girls. But some of the rest of it (like the over-zealous/perky leaders) tends to grate.

  38. Andrea says:

    You are a brave soul. But it sounds like you might just be perfect for the job. :)

  39. This will be one hell of an adventure. sooo much to write about I’m sure. And I’d agree with the others–brave.

  40. Jennifer says:

    Oh goodness how I hope this will be blog fodder! Can’t wait to hear the stories!

  41. Sigh…I know that scenario. That’s why I am a Girl Scout troop leader and Scott is a Wolf Cub den leader. Yup, both of us are suckers. It’s also why I am whippin’ up a kale salad and some blondies to haul up to the school this a.m. I am a PTA sucka’ too.

    They can smell it on us.

    Much luck. I didn’t even click the craft link, I already KNOW what it is. There gonna’ LOVE it!

    M

  42. HouseTalkN says:

    Hell to the NO YOU DIDN’T!?!? I can’t explain why, but this brings me so much happiness!
    Go get ‘em, Tiger! ROAR!

  43. Mandy says:

    My newly deemed tiger cub wanted to be a tiger cub for the exact same reasons as bucket head AND my husband got suckered in. Guess who is now the treasurer…yep…this girl…

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