That time I sprayed breast milk all over my dentist

Have I ever told you about the time I accidentally sprayed breast milk all over my dentist?

No?

Oh honey. Pull up a chair—this is a juicy one… so to speak.

Honestly, I would have rather been at home cradling my newborn son’s sweet little blue face to my beach-ball-sized bosoms, but I just couldn’t wait another day—I had to get to the dentist. It was an emergency.

I’m a “woman of a certain age.” Oh fine, I’ll tell you. I’m 43. And like most of my friends born in the ’60s and ’70s, my teeth are falling apart. I don’t know if it’s because we didn’t have the same preventative dental care back then or because I didn’t do a very good job brushing the Razzles and Now and Laters off my teeth, but by the time I was a senior in high school, every single one of my back molars was more filling than tooth. (Sorry, Mom.)

And the metal fillings from back then? They had a shelf life. By the time I was 30, every single one of those fillings had needed to be replaced.

All that drilling and refilling takes a toll on the old chompers.

I got my first crown when I was 35.

And then when I was pregnant with Bucket Head, it was obvious that I was going to need another crown.

But I was pregnant! And going to the dentist is the only time I get the good drugs! It would have to wait.

I bided my time for the rest of my pregnancy, chewing only on one side of my mouth and avoiding anything too hot, cold, sweet, or crunchy. It sucked. And then apparently while I was giving birth and biting on that leather strap out in the woods (not really, but that’s what it felt like) I cracked that compromised molar somethin’ fierce. I would need to get to the dentist as soon as I could remove the ice-pack from my nethers.

My husband had to work that day, so I called my neighbor and BFF, Tammie, and asked if she would be so kind as to drive me and newborn Bucket Head to the dentist and hold Bucket Head in the waiting room while I got my new temporary crown. “It will take two hours, tops.”

She agreed, God love her.

We timed it perfectly, or so we thought.

We got there a little early, and I nursed baby Bucket Head in the waiting room. Then he fell asleep in Tammie’s arms as I waited to be called into the back.

I was really scared. I hate having dental work done. It riles every single one of my freakishly heightened senses and I usually get prescribed valium for the night before and the morning of my procedure.

But I didn’t want to do that since I was nursing. I was drug-free and more nervous than a virgin at a prison rodeo.

As luck would have it, the dentist was running behind, and our perfectly timed breast feeding was for naught.

I’ll never forget it as long as I live. There I was, fully reclined in the dentist chair—mouth wide open, eyes tightly shut against the bright light, suction tube slurping away while the dentist drilled… and drilled… and drilled. I had my iPod rocking in my ears so I wouldn’t hear any of it. But the song ended, and in that 3 second lull between songs, I heard my baby cry.

Game over.

The tingling started. Then I felt the slightest bit of wetness in my ginormous nursing bra. I squeezed my eyes shut harder and prayed my breast pads would soak up the run-off.

The drilling persisted. My dentist, also a mother, kept stopping every few seconds to ask if I was okay, “Do you need me to stop?”

“No, keep going! He’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure? Do you want to go see him?”

“NO. The Novocain! It might wear off. Just do it. But hurry. I’m starting to leak.”

Suddenly, Bucket Head’s cries were the only thing I could hear, even over the drilling and the music on my headphones. My sweet little baby needed me, and my milk bags were responding to his hungry pleas.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

I glanced down and my shirt was soaked. Actually, it was my husband’s shirt, since I had just had a baby and all I could fit in was one of his old button downs.

Behold, a dramatic reenactment:

That time I sprayed my dentist with breast milk by The Bearded Iris

The milk flow was so strong and steady, it soaked clear through the paper bib resting on my chest.

Y’all, there was milk everywhere. It was dripping down my back onto the chair!

I could smell it.

I was absolutely mortified.

Everyone worked at lightening speed to get me up and out of there. (And not just because of the milky mess I was making in their dentist chair.) The microsecond that temporary crown clicked into place, I was on my way back to the waiting room, unbuttoning my shirt like Clark Kent on his way to the phone booth. I could not get that baby onto my boob fast enough. Poor Tammie—I practically ripped her arms off taking that wailing baby from her.

Thankfully, everyone in the dentist’s office was so sweet and understanding. “Bless your heart!” they clucked repeatedly, and not in the stereotypical Southern “Oh you pitiful idiot” kind of way. It was more like, Solidarity, sister! We salute you and your overactive milk ducts! They were women helping one of their own, and I would be forever grateful.

Talk about the milk of human kindness.

This post, and my 13-year-old son’s future therapy bills for having to take that reenacted photo of my leaking fun-bags, were both made possible by the International Breast Milk Project. Their vision is that every infant in the world have access to donor human milk as a first choice when a mother’s own milk is not available, and they aim to create awareness for the need for donor human milk, mobilize donors, and provide donor milk to infants in need. 

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About The Bearded Iris

Leslie Marinelli is a writer, humorist, blogger, life hacker, and invisible vessel for grandchildren and PTA donations.
This entry was posted in lady business and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to That time I sprayed breast milk all over my dentist

  1. GREAT! STORY! Gee. I wrote about my crowns too, but I was just testing lip stain….

  2. Jennifer says:

    The things about motherhood you’ll never forget. Am I right?

  3. HouseTalkN says:

    I haven’t nursed a baby in 7 years and I just got a case of tingly boob-itis!

  4. Alison says:

    Dude, I know the over-production situation TOO WELL.
    Just as your dentist knows yours, hah!
    (but seriously, good on ya for the support of Give Milk project)

  5. Bwhahaha! Who says motherhood isn’t totally glamorous? And yay you for promoting the Give Milk Project!

  6. jill youse says:

    OMG. I am writing this comment after only reading the title and can’t stop laughing. There is no way anything can get better (or worse?) than this.

  7. L. Hewitt says:

    No, you never told me. Never has a dental experience (up until the the actual milk part) been so accurately written. Never. Thanks for spreading the word (as will I) on the International Breast Milk Project.

  8. Keely says:

    Hilarious. And relatable. Not that it’s happened to me. (Not in a dentist chair, anyhow…)

  9. I had overproduction with my last. I sprayed many a person in the face with my milk after the baby would do the, “Oh hey look, a bird!” release in mid let-down. I lost a lot of friends that summer.

  10. Love, love, LOVE this story. I leaked like a cow with each one of my kids. I was stupid enough to go away on a “romantic” vacation with The Hubs when one of my babies was only 2 months old. Never again. Let’s just say my husband never got to eat much REAL food at the resort because he was too full from breast milk…..oh yes I did!!!

  11. Ah yes, I recall many times when my cup literally runneth over and all over the place! This certainly brought back memories. I didn’t usually have a valid reason (like a baby crying). I must have had rogue breast milk.

  12. lisa thomson says:

    You bring new meaning to the saying ‘It’s highly inconvenient to go to my dentist appointment’ which is what i like to say when they email saying it’s ‘time’ for the dreaded check up/filling replacement. Hilarious and entertaining as usual, Leslie. I know what you mean about the teeth falling apart. WTF? Bad 70′s fillings are to blame!

  13. Thanks for making me laugh over spilled milk. :D

  14. Elaine A. says:

    Girl, you had some supply! That is awesome! :)

  15. Risa says:

    My supply was like that with my daughter! I was filling those pads in 2 hours when I was away from her! What a funny yet sweet story. :)

  16. Leigh Ann says:

    “We salute you and your overactive milk ducts.” Ha! This is the best breastfeeding story I’ve ever read. So glad your dentist wasn’t a totally hottie.

  17. Andrea says:

    THIS DID NOT HAPPEN.

    As a non-breast-feeder, I can’t relate, but this made me cringe a little, then laugh. Solidarity indeed. Why is having children so darn embarrassing sometimes? Okay, all the times.

  18. I totally leaked breast milk all over the front of me while in the middle of teaching Hamlet to a classroom full of 17 and 18-year olds.

    The good news is that teenagers never remember when their teacher does shit like that.(Or laugh about it constantly for the next 16 years.)

    They also probably forget when you’re 8 months pregnant and pee your pants in front of them. Not that I’d do something like that.

    More than once.

  19. TK says:

    Wow, that story could have turned out any way, but with the supportive people around you, it’s just hilarious!

  20. Julie says:

    Believe it or not, I did this at my graduate school commencement 2 months after my first babe was born. It was Mother’s Day, too. Seems fitting!

    Great story!!

  21. Jessica says:

    They should really make those dental bibs longer, and more absorbent.

  22. I just read this post, so when I e-mailed you today and said I just lactated, it was free and clear of mingling with your breast milk. You truly did earn your crown that fateful, dairy day.

  23. carol says:

    LOL!! I love this story. I couldn’t stop laughing the whole time. I am glad everyone was helpful though.

  24. Angela Lemmons says:

    So true! I once locked myself in the dressing room at a Carter’s outlet because I noticed my shirt was wet with breast milk, but I couldn’t wake my newborn daughter enough to feed her. My boobs were literally squirting milk across that little room. I was completely mortified and disgusted. My husband, on the other hand, still counts this as a highlight of our marriage. Stand back, ladies, he’s all mine!!

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