Dysfunctional Mother’s Day Cards

Ah Mother’s Day—a special day set aside just for us, and the women who ruined us.

Dysfunctional Mothers Day Cards by The Bearded IrisMom—wait, where are you going?

You know I’m just kidding, right?

(*cough cough cough*)

Sorry. I didn’t mean to wheeze on your St. John Knit. Sometimes I just have trouble breathing at my full lung capacity. Oh, no reason.

Anyhooo.

Sorry I haven’t called. I’ve just been so busy with my breathing treatments, and cranial reshaping therapy, and all. No—it’s okay! You didn’t know! It was 1970. Nobody knew not to pick babies up by their heads back then. No worries!

But my cell block mates and I have been working really hard on a collaborative article over at In The Powder Room today about passive aggressive greeting cards. It’s a series of Mother’s Day Cards that should exist! I think you’ll really enjoy it and possibly even forgive me for that time I quit graduate school and moved back in with you and bought a brain damaged pet store puppy who shit all over your house.

Please know that my one lung and I were totally not thinking of you AT ALL when we were brainstorming about the various mothers in our lives. You are a saint, and everyone in my shock therapy waiting room knows it.

With nothing but love, Mama, (and a teensy bit of pent up resentment for that time you “forgot” to come to my arraignment and went on a Booze Cruise with “Uncle” Paul and his battalion instead.)*

-Leslie

(*None of this is true. I just have an overactive imagination…probably because I was so grossly unsupervised** as a child.)

(**Again, I’m kidding. My mother is totally awesome and anyone who says anything negative about her is going to hear from me, my cell block mates, and a sock full of nickels.)

 

About The Bearded Iris

Leslie Marinelli is a writer, humorist, blogger, life hacker, and invisible vessel for grandchildren and PTA donations.
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4 Responses to Dysfunctional Mother’s Day Cards

  1. Crista says:

    My friend still tells the “popsicle story.” When she was little, the popsicle was just frozen enough to stick to her tongue (a la the flagpole scene in “A Christmas Story”). She ran crying to her mom, who assessed the situation and ripped it off her tongue along with a bunch of tongue skin. She reminds her mom of this parenting highlight every year on Mother’s Day!

  2. lisa thomson says:

    LOL, as usual Leslie. I love this. The first line here, says it all.

  3. A sock full of nickles! Okay, Full Metal Jacket, I’m heading over to ITPR now ;)

  4. Gina says:

    Hi Leslie,

    I have visited your site a couple of times and I am a follower but this is my first time commenting.
    I have read many of your posts and find you pretty hilarious. This post was especially funny because I can relate…to having cell block mates.

    Just kidding. ;)

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