More leopard gecko diaries: the surgery edition

Welcome back to another riveting installment of unauthorized private journal entries by our family pet, Batman, the sexually maturing leopard gecko.

diary of a sexually maturing leopard gecko by The Bearded Iris

If you are just joining us, you should probably read this post first. It’s the introduction to Batman’s diary and it will give you some background on his wiener woes.

When we last left Batman, he was anxiously wondering whether or not his seemingly stuck erection would subside on its own, or if I would attempt to MacGyver it back in with nothing more than a Q-Tip, some KY Warming Liquid, and the bravado of a sleep-deprived veteran mother who watches way too much reality television…

 

Thursday, February 28, 2013 8:00 AM

Dear Diary,

Worst. Night. Ever. It’s really hard to Wang Chung Tonight when your engorged reptilian rocket has been stuck outside your body, slowly baking under a heat lamp for 11 hours.

My roommate just came to check on me and turn on my daytime light. That’s only going to dry out my unsheathed baby maker even more. I heard him tell his mom that my “hemipenis is still hanging out.” Great. At least HE knows I’m a dude. I could really use another sugar-soak and/or a massage with a happy ending. Anyone? Anyone?

 

9:00 PM

They’ve given me a few more sugar-water soaks today so my shama-lama-ding-dong isn’t totally dehydrated, but it still hurts and it’s hard to sleep with the constant throbbing.

The mom has spent a lot of time conferring with “experts” on Facebook all day. Apparently one of her Facebook friends used to be a Zookeeper and told her the Q-Tip/lube strategy was legit. Other people are telling her to get me to a vet, pronto. I heard her say she “wasn’t gonna spend no $300 on lizard dick surgery.” Nice language, lady. Do you kiss your dog with that mouth?

 

Friday March 1, 2013

8:00 AM

Dear Diary,

It’s no use. My prolapsed hemipenis is here to stay! None of the other geckos are going to let me play in any gecko games. I wish I were dead.

 

9:00 AM

I’m sorry. That was just stinkin’ thinkin’. I don’t wish I were dead. I just wish my roommate’s mom would stop tweeting pictures of my junk and take me to the vet already. In spite of the sugar-water baths, I feel like my boy bulge is starting to dry out a little and that’s making me really nervous. Thank God I have two penises just in case this one is a goner.

 

10:00 AM

OH HAPPY DAY! There’s an Exotic Vet in the area! Unfortunately, my roommate’s mom thinks that means she’s going to get a lap dance during my exam. If I ever break loose, I am going to pee on her head and make her rue the day she ever exploited my body for Facebook fame.

At least I know the vet won’t try to “MacGyver” my fruit salad back into its hidey-hole with random household supplies. Phew, I feel like I’ve really dodged a bullet.

Holy humiliation, they’re going to transport me in the same disposable food container they use to store leftover macaroni in the fridge. And it’s see-through! Now all the other exotic animals in the waiting room are going to be able to see my party favor.

Have gecko will travel via The Bearded Iris

 

10:30 AM

We’re at the vet! I’m so excited! This could be the end of my suffering.

They pulled me out of my travel Tupperware to weigh me and I grabbed my chance to scurry up the mom’s arm and onto the back of her head.

Batman seeks revenge via The Bearded Iris

It was HILARIOUS! She stared screaming “GET IT OFF. GET IT OFF. GET IT OFF. GET IT OFF.” The vet untangled me from her hair before I could finish my assault. I peed on his hand instead. Gecko power! That will show them. You mess with the reptile? You get the teabag.

 

10:33 AM

WHAT. THE. EFF? The vet just flipped me on my back and jammed a giant dry Q-Tip right into my goodie basket! OW OW OW OW OW. That really hurt! Now I’m kinda wishing I had just let the mom do it at home with her spicy lady lube and saved us the trip. I bet she would have been more gentle. Now I feel bad for trying to pee on her head.

Batman at the vet via The Bearded Iris

Also, my vet seriously needs a manicure. I’m just saying.

 

10:34 AM

He added some lube. It’s a little better, but I wish all these people weren’t watching. Kinda weird. My bulge won’t go back in. The vet just flicked a dried sperm plug off my willie and onto a paper towel. Gross! He said sometimes those block the hemipenis from being able to retract. But it’s too late for me. They are discussing other options. I’m scared!

 

10:35 AM

OMG. The vet whispered something to his assistant, she left, and came back with a bunch of surgical tools. Holy Mary, Mother of God…

Surgical tools at the vet to ligate Batman's hemipenis via The Bearded Iris

10:36 AM

Okay, deep breath. It sounds like my dehydrated love-nugget has got to go. The vet is going to ligate it with surgical thread so dies and falls off. Good thing I have a spare or I would be freaking the freak out right now. At least it won’t hurt for much longer.

 

10:38 AM

Wow, that was fast. (That’s what she said.) It really didn’t even hurt that much. And the whole thing only cost $50! I heard the mom say it was the best $50 she ever spent. Maybe she’s not so bad after all.

 

10:45 AM

On our way home now. We all noticed this sign in the waiting room at the exotic vet:

All you need is love and a dog via The Bearded Iris

 

My roommate’s mom laughed and said, “Oh yeah? Well anytime our dog has needed medical care it always costs way more than fifty bucks, and he doesn’t even have two penises! Batman is definitely my new favorite pet.”

Awwwwww! This day turned out to be not so bad after all.

Batman the Leopard Gecko via The Bearded Iris

 

 

About The Bearded Iris

Leslie Marinelli is a writer, humorist, blogger, life hacker, and invisible vessel for grandchildren and PTA donations.
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23 Responses to More leopard gecko diaries: the surgery edition

  1. KBar3 says:

    Yay! Batman got his happy ending after all.

  2. Katie says:

    I don’t think many happy stories end with someone losing a penis, but you made this work! I hope Batman makes a full and healthy recovery!

  3. Bernie Bickers says:

    Why doesn’t that dapper GEICO dude have these kinds of problems…

  4. Kim P says:

    $50! Not too bad and you’re right. You can’t even get the dog through the door of the vet for that.
    Maybe it’s a good thing that you didn’t know if Batman was a he or a she for so long. You no sooner determined his gender and now he’s half way through with a sex change procedure.
    I predict years of therapy ahead for him.

  5. I wonder why exotic pet vets are so much cheaper than non exotic pet vets?

    I am glad Batman is not suffering any longer. I am also sorry that there be no little Robins in your future.

  6. L. Hewitt says:

    Awwww. So glad Batman is o.k. Sperm plug? You are hereby awarded the Best Bat-Shit Crazy Mom in the Universe. Now put his diary back!
    BTW – every single male I showed (and I did) was so horrified that poor Batman’s penis was all messed up and then jealous when they found out he had two – every single female “said” they would do the same thing ( eventually take it to the vet), I Know one was lying, three I am sure would and then there is one I am just not sure. I would have. I would have bitched-but I would have. I actually came home from errands Saturday and one of the first things we did was check on Batman. #yeswearejustthatcrazy/boring! Also, please feel free to correct any and all grammatical errors…and make dirty sentences – see above # muah

  7. Elisa Edgington says:

    So glad to hear that Batman came thru his procedure, and is no longer suffering from wang exposure!

  8. Kris the Colts Fan says:

    $50 to remove a penis? Can I get that vet’s info? I have some men I know who really should have their dicks cut off. I’d do it for free, but I don’t want to go to jail.

  9. He’ll still be a stud muffin with only one wanker. He is, after all, a gorgeous gecko.

  10. Poor little thing. That picture of him on his back . . . bless his little enraged (er enlarged) member. You are too funny.

  11. Al says:

    Oh Batman! Poor baby. I was so glad to hear everything is ok. I must be PMSing cause I got tears in my eyes from relief. I kept checking to see what the outcome was. I even went on Facebook to find you, glad you said you went to the vet on there! I also read the other site you post on and signed up for the email, just so I’d know when your next post came up! Ok I sound like a stalker, but he’s just so cute. At least one “good” thing came out of this, you now have a new stalker, I mean follower, heheh.

  12. Teri says:

    Literally laughing so hard my sides hurt. Leslie, you’ve outdone yourself. Thanks for the belly laughs.

  13. Joy says:

    So happy and sad for Bat-a-little-LESS-of-a-Man. Glad he’s got the back up junk in his trunk. Or wherever they keep that.

  14. Thea says:

    Nanananana Bat-wang! Or…wangless, I guess! Lol So glad I wasn’t the only one that thought after the photo of the vet holding Batman that the dude needs some moisturization for his cuticles! But so happy Batwang is fine again now! And damn, rubberize his logs in his cage! Before he loses his other junk also!

  15. Pingback: Diary of a Sexually Maturing Leopard Gecko | The Bearded Iris

  16. Amy says:

    Gah I can’t believe you had it on your head. My college roommate’s newt escaped once and crawled on me in the middle of the night and it haunted me for YEARS. Glad things ended well. Does it creep you out when a normally silent reader like me gets all chatty once you start writing about lizard wieners? Me too.

  17. I was cringing the whole time I read this. You should probably put a disclaimer up top for your male readers. I can only imagine what a rough experience this would be for them.

  18. They have neuticles for dogs, do you think they have … ah… phallicles for other… um… unfortunate circumstances concerning our beloved animal friends? I mean, you wouldn’t want the other geckos laughing at him in the locker room….

  19. Mia says:

    Seriously….how many names for “penis” do you know??? I’m in awe of your unending list of names for male genitalia…..extremely impressive. Hilarious post:)

  20. Lisa Newlin says:

    Holy cheap surgery, Batman! Are you saying that it only costs $50 to remove your love wand?! That’s a steal (literally, in your case, I’m assuming).

    Hypothetically, how much do you think it would cost for a human for this same procedure? You know….just in general…not with a specific person in mind or anything…

    I hope you’re feeling better. I also hope that Tupperware for mac and cheese didn’t make it back into the cabinet.

  21. Roshni says:

    whew!! Batman is saved!! And, my boys now have a new term for their junk: “shama-lama-ding-dong”!! Thanks so much!! :P

  22. RJ says:

    I love a happy ending.

  23. These two posts are the most fantastic thing I’ve read in quite a while. I think I love you.

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