The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

You people are sick (and me likee)

Yesterday I published a new post In The Powder Room about homophones (that’s phones, not phobes) and it flopped like my 32-Longs at 7:30 PM every night when I toss my Playtex 18 Hour Hydraulic Lift onto my bedroom chair (where it patiently waits to frighten me the next day):

the bearded iris has a bra stuck to her back

Frankly, I’m a little surprised the homophones post wasn’t a bigger hit, because it was all about naughty sentences. I used words like ‘humping,’ ‘lascivious,’ ‘cavernous areas,’ and funny pimp names. But no, apparently I have ruined you people with my gecko penis pornography.

Yes. I now know that gecko money shots are like a drug, and once you’ve developed a taste for them, you are no longer satisfied with *boring* things like vocabulary and grammar lessons.

I blame myself, really.

I have done this to you.

My gecko groin saga has touched so many of you…and it’s touched you deeply. One reader emailed me yesterday to share:

I’m almost 8 months pregnant and so I have been having crazy delivery dreams. Well last night I delivered a healthy baby boy: half gecko/half baby. And hilariously it had two hemipenises…most of the dream was spent trying to find diapers and clothes that worked! So thanks for the laughs and strange dreams! ~Tannith

I also heard from a funny fellow blogger who was so dazzled by my gecko’s perma-bone that she wanted to blog about it:

Hi Leslie!

I hope your family gecko’s penis is doing better. Who knew all that junk was wrapped up in those scales. In fact I was so impressed that I would like to get permission from you, and of course the gecko seeing it was *his* penis, to include a couple of pictures you posted in an upcoming post about how I’d like to walk a day in his shoes for a writing prompt. I mean seriously, that’s the luckiest gecko in the world. Most people would have left his little lizard pecker hanging out….Please let me know what you think. And just a heads up, if my penis ever pops out, I have left directions with my husband to call you.

~Kari (@Kbar3)

So don’t worry friends. I hear you loud and clear: no more vocabulary or grammar lessons, and more lusty lizard tales. Got it.

Come on back tomorrow for the next installment of Batman’s tell-all diary. But until then, please make sure you know the difference between throws/throes, affect/effect, elicit/illicit, and more. M’kay? Trust me, anyone who reads your words will thank you.

Yours truly and now with exposed reptilian sex glands,


  1. Sweet lover.
    I know all about this.
    No one wants to hear about rainbows and thongs.
    They want to hear about the downward spiral and then awesome uprising of a renegade reptile.
    I’m here for you.
    Send me your inappropriate phone posts.
    I’ll laugh with you.
    While I’m shaving my face.

  2. The publicist went to Catholic school.
    She was hit with either an eraser or a ruler if she did not get these things right.
    Therefore she learned and she learned quickly (note correct use of adverb.)

    Maybe if you had the gecko delivering the grammar lesson?

  3. My husband teaches college history. He is finishing a syllabus for an upper level course for this summer. Part of the syllabus is boilerplate from the college. I just corrected “insure” to “ensure” on that boilerplate, baby. Madame Syntax is on it … and she may even have finally learned e-fucking-lipses.

  4. Well don’t I feel special! And hopefully the next installment doesn’t give me even stranger dreams.

    • Oh Tannith, I’m so sorry – I didn’t realize you had a blog! I will add your link to the post. Sweet dreams! 🙂

      • Thank you! I’m still working on being a decent blogger! But I appreciate it. And I am very much looking forward to the next installment.

  5. I’m only a grammar nazi with my kids. Adults…well, hard to tell when they’re slurring their words after too many shots of Patron. Looking forward to more lizard stories. It inspired me to talk about a lizard man in my next post tomorrow—but this guy has muscles. And a double-edged tongue…..I think you have created a delicious monster in the minds of your blog followers.

  6. Well- I can’t use the ellipses without thinking of you.

  7. Chin up. I enjoyed the grammar lesson. Especially since this homophone thing is one of my pet peves. Especially when Canadians mispell your and you’re because to me these aren’t even homophones, they don’t sound the same. It’s either yo-re or you-re.

  8. How did it bomb? It looked like it got a great response! *I* liked it, at least – but then, I’m kind of a grammar nerd.

    I haven’t read your gecko peen post yet. I’ve had it up all day, but for some reason I feel like I need to be in a certain frame of mind to read it. And I’m just not… *there* yet. 😉

    • It was just one of my least-viewed posts of all time there. I hate that. But hey, in the immortal words of Wendi Aarons, “they’re not all gems.”

  9. Elisa Edgington

    March 7, 2013 at 5:00 pm

    Hey now, I appreciated the grammar lesson! I haven’t made those particular mistakes, but I HAVE made others before. So I know it’s a day late and a dollar short, but thanks!

  10. We want both. Dammit…

  11. Looking forward to see what the little well-endowed guy has in store. I’ll never look at the real Batman the same way again. 😛 Thanks for posting our link!

  12. First of all, concerning your gecko’s twig, I’d hold it up against the berries of our pet hamster Herve any day of the week. I mean … not LITERALLY hold it up because then they’d have to get an apartment in the Village and start shopping for kitschy duvets together.

    Secondly, now that you know about our Ketchup link-up, why don’t you come play? Whose shoes would YOU like to walk in for a day?

    I would think that your possibilities would be endless. Plus, I would be honored if you would join us (bowing down to one knee and kissing your hand to attempt looking gallant but only making you nervous with my strangely androgynous behavior).

  13. Please, PLEASE tell me you’ve read “The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Chive” by Christopher Moore.

    • Oh my god!!!! Yes! If you have not read “The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove”, you need to immediately! (You will never look at a weed-whacker the same again.)


  15. Bernie Bickers

    March 8, 2013 at 11:48 am

    Gecko Mohels earn 50% more than their human counterparts…

Comments are closed.

© 2021 The Bearded Iris

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑