Diary of a Sexually Maturing Leopard Gecko

Batman the uber horny leopard geckoIf you follow my blog on Facebook, you have probably already heard about my family’s Leopard Gecko, “Batman,” and his recent sexual health scare.

Like any family medical emergency, it was a very harrowing few days of worry, investigation, decision-making, and bonding.

Afterward, my son and I were working together to clean out Batman’s vivarium and we discovered a tiny journal, tucked away under the base of his wooden branch.

I know it’s wrong to read someone else’s journal, but under the circumstances, and given that this someone doesn’t even have opposable thumbs, I just had to know what was going through his tiny reptilian mind.

Please forgive me for breaking our family pet’s trust, but his daily musings were too fantastic to keep to myself. In the name of science, I present to you some of the entries from Batman’s journal.

(Please note: this blog post is intended for mature audiences only.)

diary of a sexually maturing leopard gecko by The Bearded Iris

Monday, Feb. 25, 2013

Dear Diary,

Today is my 9-month birthday and I finally weigh 33 grams! I’ve decided to start keeping a journal because I’m noticing a lot of strange but exciting bodily changes and I need a place to express myself and deal with all my feelings.

My roommate is 13-human-years-old and he is also going through lots of changes. He is growing a mustache! Humans are so weird.

My roommate’s mom just came in to yell at him for having so many dirty clothes on the floor. She has a mustache too. I don’t know what it is about her, but looking at her makes me feel kinda funny in my downtown area.

In fact, I’m going to go hangout on my basking rock…it’s really warm up there and I like the way the hot rock feels on my belly, if you know what I mean. {WINK WINK!}

 

Tuesday, Feb. 26, 2013

Dear Diary,

Wow, my body is really changing fast! Sometimes I get this throbbing feeling near my vent. It feels really good at first, but then it starts to ache. I wish I had a girlfriend. I’ve been spending a LOT of time on my branch and basking rock lately. Wiggling helps.

I noticed my roommate getting dressed today. He only has one penis, poor guy. I’m so lucky to have two! I can take turns with them so neither gets worn out or sore. Being a gecko is awesome!

Another difference between geckos and humans is that humans wear pants, so they can get a stiffy without the whole world seeing it. When I get excited, one of my penises pops right out of my vent like the “HOT DOUGHNUTS NOW” sign at Krispy Kreme. Embarrassing, but practical.

I’m wondering if I can get both of my hemipenes to pop out at the same time. Could come in handy if I ever meet twin Doublemint Girl Geckos at a party. SCHWING!

 

Wednesday, Feb. 27, 2013, 9:15 PM

Dear Diary,

Oh no, I have a big problem.

You know that weird feeling I’ve been having in my crotch? And how I’ve been spending so much time on my rock and branch doing that wiggling thing?

Well a few minutes ago I was doing the humpty hump on my branch and I think I must have rubbed too hard because my love-nugget won’t go back into its hidey-hole! It really hurts and so I was licking it to see if that would help it shrink back up into my body, and that’s when I noticed my roommate staring at my junk and then running down the hall screaming “MOM! Come here! You HAVE TO SEE THIS!”

Oh-em-geeee! Can’t a gecko have some privacy?!

Next thing I knew, my roomie’s mom was holding me and staring at my junk too. Not helping, lady!

You’d think she’d never seen 9 millimeters of turgid gecko groin before because she was all “What the hell?”

Then she took a bunch of photos with her phone. So embarrassing! All I can say is she better give me a cut of the profits if she turns this into a reptile porno.

I heard the mom and my roommate wondering aloud whether it was part of my intestines or a ruptured testicle or some kind of herniated gland. They were clueless. Then they got online for help.

The mom said “Do you think it’s his penis?”

Duh. Ya think? She’s obviously not the fastest mealworm in the box.

Next thing I heard her saying was “Google ‘reptile penis pics’ and ‘pics of lizard groins.’”

Oh yeah lady, encourage your 13-year-old son to do a Google search for any kind of penis pics. Good luck with that one.

Turns out she’s actually a pretty good researcher. Didn’t take her long to find out that I have what’s called a “prolapsed hemipenis,” hemi meaning “half” because like I said before, I have two of them. But then she insulted my manhood and said something like “We don’t even know if Batman is a boy yet, so let’s call it a hemivagenis.” I swear to God. It’s like she’s never even noticed my pre-anal pores. I’m OBVIOUSLY a male. OBVIOUSLY.

At least she knows it’s not my intestines sticking out of my butt. Now let’s hope girlfriend figures out how to help me get this thing back into my body because this bad boy really hurts.

(Editor’s Note: WARNING - the following photo collage may be unsettling to those with weak constitutions. Please close your eyes and scroll down if you know you will be offended by photos of erect reptile reproductive organs.) 

diary of a sexually maturing leopard gecko now featuring a prolapsed hemipenis by The Bearded Iris

 

9:30 PM

Dear Diary,

You aren’t going to believe this but I am about to take a bath in warm sugar-water! Wish me luck. I’ve never taken a bath before. Hope I don’t drown. Maybe the mom will dim the lights and put on some Barry White so I can really get my groove on. Brown chicken brown cow! 

warm sugar-water soak

 

9:45 PM

Dear Diary,

Wow, that was really nice. A gecko could get used to those warm sugar-water soaks. Sadly, my perma-bone didn’t shrink or pop back in on its own like they thought it would. I must have irritated it too much with my vigorous tree-branch rubbing. Now it’s swollen and stuck! I feel embarrassed, scared, and annoyed at the same time. I overheard my roomie’s mom say the words “MacGyver,” “Q-Tip,” and “Astroglide.” This isn’t going to end well.

 

10:00 PM

Dear Diary,

OH SWEET JESUS ON A BASKING ROCK, I just heard her say she can’t find the Astroglide followed by “but do you think this KY Warming Liquid would do the trick?” I feel like I’m going to faint.

 

10:04 PM

Okay, phew. She decided to see if my boy-bulge subsides by the morning before she attempts to poke it back in. THANK GOD. I’d rather just die than have my exposed sweet meat poked and prodded with spicy lady lube.

{end of journal entry}

Well that’s all the time we have for today, you reptile voyeurs! Tune in next time to read more riveting journal entries about Batman’s coming of age tale and how we helped solve his troublesome perma-bone problem.

See you then!
-Leslie

Click HERE to read Part 2 and hear the “Happy Ending” (wink wink!) of Batman’s weiner woes! 

About The Bearded Iris

Leslie Marinelli is a writer, humorist, blogger, life hacker, and invisible vessel for grandchildren and PTA donations.
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47 Responses to Diary of a Sexually Maturing Leopard Gecko

  1. Oh my gosh, I am SO glad that my friend Jessie shared this post on facebook!
    You cracked me up… and I thought I lived in a zoo!

    I can’t wait to read the next installment!

  2. Teri says:

    Brown chicken brown cow.

    Literally have tears in my eyes from this Leslie! Hysterical!!

  3. You give me a new favorite phrase of all time every time I’m here.

    “9 millimeters of turgid gecko groin” has now entered daily rotation.

  4. Rootietoot says:

    I am passing this along to my son, the vet tech,with a question of “have you ever had to jack off a lizard?” because that’s the only thing I can think of that would cure a perma-boner.

    • Well damn, why didn’t I think of that?! Maybe if I had just given him a handy it would have gone back into its hidey-hole. I’ma try that if the left one ever gets stuck and report back.

  5. Julie says:

    That is too frackin funny! Trying not to snort-laugh at work has me almost peeing my pants (spicy lady lube). LOL

  6. Jane says:

    Hilarious- I read it twice it was so funny. “Sweet Jesus on a Basking Rock”!!

  7. Roshni says:

    I’m afraid I giggled throughout this reading, so I’m actually aiding and abetting your invasion of gecko privacy!!

  8. KBar3 says:

    You know I’ve been looking forward to this! Can’t wait to see what else Batman has been writing in his diary.

  9. L. Hewitt says:

    I love this. You are so twisted. Can’t wait to hear more.

  10. Finding me says:

    Oh my gosh! My dog gets really horney. He rubs himself on the floor and his penis gets stuck and can’t go back in. I had to take him to the vet so they could put it back in. Now I have to do the qtip and vaseline thing because he gets it out so much it started drying out. The vet had to put him on medication for OCD!!! My kids thought his intestines were coming out. Hilarious! I can relate to your lizard experience.

    • Rootietoot says:

      We had a stray male dog get stuck inside one of our female dogs once. For hours. Ice water and a hose didn’t help so the vet paid us a visit. We used it as a Teaching Moment for our male children.

    • OMG – I don’t know if I could handle this on a big furry dog! You are a better woman than I.

  11. Glen says:

    you is one crazy lady — and Batman’s as bad

  12. Oh. My. God. I was so grossed out but laughing at the same time. 2 penises??? Holy shit, Batman! I have 5 chinchillas, and the first time I saw the male penis, I thought maybe I had accidentally gotten ahold of a mini horse. Problem with the males is that they get PENIS HAIR RINGS that prevent their penis from shrinking back down. Yeah, that…….Over the years, I’ve had to take my boys to the vet on several occasions. Even the male vet winces when he has to extract that thing. See–you learn something new every day! This post was brilliant–only YOU could take such a bizarro subject matter and turn it into something this hilarious. Thanks for the chuckle.

  13. Kris the Colts fan says:

    I’m so glad I don’t have a penis. That’s all I can say.

  14. Dana says:

    Wow. I’m glad I have a dog. And a female one. Hilarious post – Batman’s a funny guy!

  15. HouseTalkN says:

    Oh.may.Gawd. I am roaring over here! What’s worse than a penis? TWO!

  16. Angela says:

    Penis envy? I think not. Not even for a hemipenis.
    I echo the previous comments especially the “only YOU could take such a bizarro subject matter and turn it into something this hilarious.”
    Thanks for the great laughs and I can’t wait for the next installation of “As the Boner Shrinks” or does it? Stay tuned!

  17. OMG, LOL @ “strange but exciting bodily changes ” (I believe that’s a quote taken directly from the video we all had to watch in 5th grade, isn’t it? :P) and “turgid gecko groin” and “Google ‘reptile penis pics’”! XD

    [Also, psst! Think I found a typo: "A gecko could used to those warm sugar-water soaks." ;) ]

  18. You are seriously the master of euphemisms for genitalia. That’s a gift, my friend. Right now I’m thanking “Sweet Baby Jesus on a Basking Rock” that I follow your blog.

  19. Patty says:

    You are the best! Hilarious!

  20. Fascinating. Just fascinating.

  21. Jen says:

    I learned so many things from this post, first and foremost, gecko’s have 2 penis’. Did not know that at all.

  22. Amy says:

    Holy lizard peen. Thank you for reaffirming my no-pets policy. I hope you put those photos on Instagram with a pretty filter. ;)

  23. Katrina says:

    My six year old has a leopard gecko around the same age as yours and swears it is a girl, (seeing I have yet to see what was posted here I am assuming he is right), he keeps talking about when he will get another gecko so they can have babies. Maybe our gecko’s could hook up, it looks like yours could use some lovin’.

  24. I can now say I’ve seen gecko peen.

    My life is complete.

  25. Wendy says:

    Dying.
    Secondly, bravo for coming up with so many terms for erection. My favorite might be “perma-bone.”
    Hilarious. And I need more.

  26. Observation: Your gecko matches the swanky shoes in your blog’s header perfectly. Which begs the question … Have you ever tried using him as an accessory when wearing said shoes?

  27. Michelle says:

    At first I thought….Aw!! You made a funny/cute little composition notebook! Sweet! Then I read the rest of the post and who cares about that…I laughed harder with each of Batman’s little entries! Please invest in some “Just Like Me” lube by Pure Romance. No tinglies or burnies.

  28. I am laughing so hard! For the love of reptilian boners I hope you post pictures of the operation. You’ve made it very hard for me to watch Geico commercials now. Ellen

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  30. ExoticPetsHQ says:

    Very entertaining read! Thank you.

  31. Darcy Perdu says:

    oh my lordy! too much! hilarious gecko!

    I love the line: When I get excited, one of my penises pops right out of my vent like the “HOT DOUGHNUTS NOW” sign at Krispy Kreme. What a visual!

    And after reading this funny post, I’m wondering if a warm water-sugar bath would help those Viagra patients who need to call a doctor if their erection lasts longer than 4 hours?

  32. Congratulations on the Voices of 2013 award Iris. You so deserve it. You crack me up!

    Anne xx

  33. Mandy Fish says:

    “Turgid” never stops being funny to me. This was hilarious!

  34. Leslie, I didn’t even know about this post until I saw it on the VOTY awards list, and I was cracking up all the way through. Creative genuis!

  35. How am I just seeing this???? Hysterical! Love it! Please tell me there is more!

  36. RJ says:

    OMG, absolutely hilarious!

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