#9 “Here Honey, you hold the remote.”
#8 “Could you please turn down the TV? I want to be able to hear the kids…and you, eating those grapes.”
#7 “You know what would take my mind off these cramps? A big black dog all up in my biznatch.”
#6 “NOOOOOO! For the love of all that is Holy, catch the fucking BALL!”
#5 “Wait—let ME answer the phone! It’s probably your Mom and I’ve been dying to hear all about her new chair. It swivels, you know!”
#4 “Mmmm, these throw pillows smell awesome.”
#3 “Nah, who needs a Ryan Gosling movie? Let’s go upstairs and keep the lights on.”
#2 “Microwave S’Mores? Gross! I’d rather have one ounce of unsalted raw organic fair trade almonds, thanks.”
#1 “I can’t see the TV; my boobs are in the way.”
#3. LMFAO!!!
#5 – dying. I avoided talking to my MIL for four years after moving to Canada, until she came to visit…
Hilarious!!
Awesome. And that pic is priceless.
#4 to the moon and back.
WTF is that smell on my damn throw pillows??
It’s a decade’s worth of husband fart and kid funk… oh wait, that’s MY throw pillows. I’m sure yours smell like unicorn farts and rainbows.
Yeah, you were probably right the first time.
Choked on my coffee at number 3. Awesome.
“bizsnatch”. Awesome. And the photographic evidence of the labrador is even better.
I’m distracted by your pink pants. What big black dog?
Love, love the dog photo! And #3 and #1!
I’m glad it’s not just my throw pillows.
You forgot one.
#10 “Don’t look at ME! I am far too well mannered to let an SBD* slip out.”
LCM x
* silent but deadly
You have got to quit posting that picture! Get some rest.
#1 … sooooo #1. All I use them for is to tell the weather.
Ha! This is hilarious and sounds exactly what I wouldn’t say at home. Especially about the boobs. I need to start a fund.
OMFG. That is some seriously funny shit right there.
In my household there is often some variation of #9 and definitely#5. I adore my mother in law but she’s a bit on the negative side at times so I always tell my husband, “It’s YOUR mother so you need to call her/answer the phone.” He tries to avoid her and I usually yell at him for it. LOL.
Clearly, I need a dog.
So in my eagerness to begin reading what you wrote I skipped the title (something I do often when reading books-who needs chapter titles anyway?) and as I read each one, I thought there’s not a chance I would say ANY of these things – what the hell is the Bearded Iris talking about?! I thought we had a connection, a kinship…but wait, let me go back to the top to find out what the hell this is all about…aaahhhh, nevermind. Another humorous, make me giggle and pee (just a little) post. Keep ‘em coming little lady!
Love the list! …especially #8 (I HATE, Hate, hate hearing people chomping and chewing), #4 (mine are dog and fats… my throw BLANKETS smell the worst—even after laundering), and #1.
hahhahaah! fabulous!
What’s wrong with 100% unsalted organic fair trade almonds??? I’M TOTALLY JOSHING YOU. I might say #1, but only if I were hanging upside down. Cuz they’re floppy and saggy like that.
“It’s a good thing you didn’t turn the fan on this morning. I love brushing my teeth in the aftermath of your morning dump.”
Love this! I want to print it out and say each one to see what happens when I do! I think they would stare at me and wonder if it was official…mom was on the edge and jumped off…..
“Don’t get up Honey, I’ll GET MY OWN drink/cell phone/crying child/laundry buzzer….” Is it wrong I am so very grateful he pampers me, but not so grateful that I could ever be as sweet to him? UGH. I dunno what you are thinking about farting…it is the Novak Mating Call around here. Maybe. Or not. And maybe that s’plains some things. And all these weeks I have thought it was the little kids who live here and won’t leave.
#8 – OMFG I don’t want to hear anyone in my house eating. EVER. Every human in this house is such a gross eater. GAH!
#4 – Christ almighty, why DO my pillows smell so rank? Really. Why???
#3 – *snort*
#1 – yup. Me too.
UGH with the grapes already! My husband always does that! Or cashews, which are worse, because they also smell like nasty feet.
I’ll have a #7, please, no, make that a #8 with extra grapes, NO!, a #5…oh heck, I love them all. Funny stuff.
Words cannot express how much I love that post. Preach on, sister.
Are we twins?
We are, aren’t we?
Except for the boobs thing.