Craft Whores – The Wieners!

It’s time! It’s time!

It’s finally time to announce the wieners (a.k.a. winners) of our Craft Whores Contest!

But first, special thanks once again to our wonderful judges for all the time and energy they invested in judging your whorishness. Thank you Robin, Jen, and Kathy! You made the judging process so much more fun (and legitimate). Price Waterhouse has nothing on you bitches.

We also want to take the time to thank our generous sponsors for their prizes and willingness to support such an “unorthodox” venture. Each click on the sponsors below is a vote for the awesomeness of inappropriate humor. (Listen up, big brands.)

We Shop

FunnynotSlutty

Alright, are you ready for some wieners? (If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said that…)

For “Best in Ho,” (our equivalent of overall best) the entry that dazzled us in every way, including craftsmanship, beauty, practicality, vagizness, and overall WOW factor was hands down, The Vagina Muses by Leigh Jackson of Sass Queen Ceramics.

The Muses of Love, Grace & Forgiveness

Leigh will receive a $100 gift certificate to use however she pleases in the WeShop at In The Powder Room.com and also our original Craft Whores logo cross stitch by The Suniverse. Congratulations, Leigh. You can view more of Leigh’s beautiful ceramics here.

For “Most Original,” the entry that wowed, aroused, and educated us the most was Marsha’s Sex Ed Lamps made from repurposed Sex Education slides (three cheers for hoarders!) and desk lamps on clearance from Target (HOLLA)! Holy cow do I wish I could buy these for my son’s Scout hut. You have to go and read Marsha’s captions. Just make sure you don’t have any beverages in your mouth. You’ve been warned.

“Boom Goes the Dynamite” says Marsha, and we couldn’t agree more.

Marsha has won a $50 gift certificate to EdenFantasys and the quite fetching vulva tissue box coozy from Uknit2.

Our “Most Anatomically Correct” prize goes to Ellen of Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms. Ellen, that $85,000 worth of medical school? So worth it. We love that this kitchen twine dispenser is practical, beautiful, a conversation piece, and a potentially useful teaching tool for those impromptu sex ed conversations that always seem to happen in the kitchen during dinner prep. Also, bonus points for bravery. According to Judge Robin, “I like that she was embarrassed by it but did it anyway. Yay for bravery!”

The dangling “Imagine” Vajewelry is my favorite part!

 

Ellen has won a craft basket valued at $50 from Funny Not Slutty as well as this adorable “Queen Bee-otch” painting from our newest sponsor, Cool Bees Artwork and Gifts in Alpharetta, Georgia!

Lastly, we had to invent a new category in order to honor the jaw-dropping fabulousness that was this next entry.

Folks, our award for “Most Jizztastic” goes to the Fifty Shades of Grey Ice Cream with Pearl Necklace Swirl by Logy Express. We are simultaneously horrified, fascinated, and oddly, hungry for ice cream by this emission submission. (Seriously. Can’t. Look. Away.) Or in the ever eloquent words of Judge Robin: “SUPER BONUS POINTS FOR TRIGGERING THE GAG REFLEX.”

And holy beautiful photography too! Logy Express has won a $25 gift certificate to Subversive Cross Stitch and an original “Vive La Deez Nuts” (see what we did there?) by Robin Plemmons.

We’d also like to give a shout-out to Robyn of Hollow Tree Ventures for what we thought was the “Funniest Post” about her Places We’ve “Done It” Scrapbook. Robyn, there is a “Hillblingy” Goblet coming your way!

For “Most Practical (in the event of a blizzard or if you’re one of the Red Hot Chili Peppers)” we really enjoyed Dearest Debi’s Average Joe Willy Warmers. Debi, for future reference, I would have enjoyed them even more if you had photographed them being modeled by Gilles Marini or Gerard Butler. Debi, we hope you enjoy the beautiful clay vulva votive holder that Lady Estrogen has so generously donated to our cause.

And lastly, three “Honorable Mentions” because we can:

Lady Estrogen’s Clay Vulva Votive Holder. I hope she will make more and sell them because I for one would like to give those as teacher gifts this holiday season.

The “Whip Me, Beat Me, Eat Me” aprons by Scents, Love, Rock N Roll. We loved how simple, crafty, and “whore-y” these aprons are. And the hot chicks modeling them made them extra easy on the eye.

The Leather Vulva Gear Knob Cover by Wub Boo Mummy. What a lovely gift she made for her Bro-in-Law! Also loved her hilarious post and photo of her pervy Internet search history.

Ladies, you will each be receiving a hand painted Breathe Mother Fucker magnet by Robin Plemmons. May you proudly display them on your refrigerators in good health.

We’ll be in touch with all the winners via email so we can mail you your prizes ASAP.

As promised, we made badges for all the participants and winners! (Because we love you and we’re fucking awesome.)

Whether you’re a Badass Mofo, a Wiener, you’re twisted, or you just want to brag about the fact that “you went there,” we’ve got a badge for you. Go here and take your pick!

With hot glue, sleep deprivation, and whorish affection,
Leslie

About The Bearded Iris

Leslie Marinelli is a writer, humorist, blogger, life hacker, and invisible vessel for grandchildren and PTA donations.
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26 Responses to Craft Whores – The Wieners!

  1. Lady says:

    Yeah!!! So awesome for all the winners. I soooo loved that ice cream. Gag worthy in the most awesome sense of the act. Haha

  2. Tracy says:

    I am so proud to be most jizztastic Craft Whore. Jizztastic is my new favorite word. Thanks so much! I have to give a shout out to ZZ Top for making this possible.

  3. Aww HAYLE naw! I can’t tell you how honored I am to be the lucky recipient of the hillblingy goblet – it’s an absolute fact that, at the beginning of this contest, I told my husband, “I don’t think I can live without that goblet.” So you ladies are, in a nutshell, responsible for my continued survival – and for the fact that we now have a new centerpiece for our dining room table.

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  5. Lisa Hewitt says:

    Congratulations everyone! and Thank You to Leslie and Suniverse. Y’all are indeed fucking awesome.

    • Be still my heart, Lisa. You are such a class act and a great sport. It was SO hard to choose the winners. All of y’all are winners in our book just for being brave and funny enough to enter something. XO!

  6. Toulouse says:

    I am totally blown away by the stupendous meetings of craft and vagina you’ve shared with us today. I can only imagine in my twisted mind the meetings of craft and vagina that have NOT been shared with us today.

  7. I was robbed! I just wasn’t dirty enough I guess :)

  8. Truss me up and invite me to Thanksgiving! I am so excited that my golden vag won! When you really think about it, in addition to my great prizes, I made my own awards trophy. Winning!

    Despite the fact that I have actually used my education to save lives and deliver hundreds of lives into this world, this is the most profit it has earned in a decade.

    This was fun, ladies. Every entry was an entertaining winner. Ellen

  9. Woohoo I got an Honorable Mention. Thank you so much for creating this competition. I had so much fun making my entry and to be mentioned amongst such prestigious and talented Craft Whores is a dream cum true (hehe, see what I did there ;-]). Congratulations to all the winners – you rock!

  10. Marsha says:

    I would like to thank everyone so much for the honor you have bestowed upon myself and my lamp! I’m proud to call myself both a “Weiner” and a “Craft Whore” from now until the end of time. My unborn children know not the legacy I am building for them!

  11. Lady Jennie says:

    I am both applauding and throwing up in my mouth a little.

    Bravo ladies.

  12. Dawn@LightenUp! says:

    Congratulations! Those are some truly inappropriate weiners, and a whole lotta vag. I love it!

  13. Dawn@LightenUp! says:

    Congratulations! Those are some truly inappropriate weiners, and a whole lotta vag. I love it!

  14. Dawn@LightenUp! says:

    Congratulations! Those are some truly inappropriate weiners, and a whole lotta vag. I love it!

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  17. This contest was SOMUCHFUN let’s make it a yearly tradition!! I’m already dreaming up my next entry . . . thank you gals so much for being such incredible hostesses with the mostestess.
    Unitl next year vaginas ~ whip me, beat me, eat me!
    <3 Dominique

  18. This contest was SOMUCHFUN let’s make it a yearly tradition!! I’m already dreaming up my next entry . . . thank you gals so much for being such wonderful hostesses with the mostestess.
    Unitl next year vaginas ~ whip me, beat me, eat me!
    <3 Dominique

  19. Debi Dearest says:

    This is awesome!!

    Thanks ladies for all the fun and for finally giving me the push to share my crafty whoreness with the rest of the world on my blog.. STILL looking for that Gilles Marini or Gerard Butler model.. I had a friend in mind hehehe, but he said if I sent him one he’d cut it up in a million pieces and probably his eyes with it. lol THE SEARCH CONTINUES….

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