The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Craft Whores – Meet Our Judges!

The countdown in ON!

One week ago today, my friend The Suniverse and I announced our fantabulous brainchild: Craft Whores!

Let’s review:

1.) You make a craft that is naughty or “inappropriate” in some way.

2.) You take pictures of it and blog about it.

3.) You come back here next week and link up your post.

4.) Three awesome celebrity judges will pick three winners.

5.) PRIZES! Naughty, naughty prizes. Oh yeah, baby. Details coming soon.

The official link-up begins one week from today: September 13-17.

So what are you waiting for? Get yo’ naughty craft on! 

Friends, you do not have to be an accomplished crafter or artiste to participate! In fact, I’m going to be disappointed if someone doesn’t submit a penis sculpture made entirely of uncooked macaroni, dried pinto beans, and dog hair. M’kay?

Seriously. Let your naughty imagination be your guide. Skills optional!

Come on. I know you’re a little twisted. If you didn’t think poop or vaginas were funny, you wouldn’t be here. It’s okay. You’re among friends! {secret naughty hand-shake}

Now as for those celebrity judges . . .

{Drumroll, please.}

Hold onto your hot glue guns and flesh-colored pipe cleaners, people. We’ve got Internet royalty in the hizzy:

(Confession: I just copied and pasted this next part from The Suniverse because I got tired and she’s clearly the brains behind this operation.) 

Bad. Ass.

 from The Next Martha.
Witty, pretty, and wise.
A crafter, sarcastic, and
a great dancer (according to The Suniverse, I’ve not yet had the pleasure. Yet, I say). 



She’s a doll. Truly.

 from Crafty Chica.
Awesome in so many ways, in so many media.
A crafter,
A writer, and
Sweet as pie.



Writes what you feel.

Robin Plemmons
 from Balls to the Wall, Y’all.
Who knows how to bring it,
An artist,
A writer, and
So giving.


(Still copying from The Suniverse. She’s awesome. Why reinvent the wheel?)

These brilliant, generous women have agreed to act as judges and decide who among you will be selected as being the CRAFT WHORES OF THE UNIVERSE.

No lie, people. This is a big deal. I can’t believe that they’ve agreed to soil themselves among us mere mortals, but they have and NO TAKE BACKS, O.K?

(This is me interjecting: Su, did you just say “soil themselves”? Because bitch, please, I don’t remember agreeing to work with encopretic judges. Oh crap. What have I gotten myself into?) 

Hi. It’s me again, Leslie, aka “Iris.”

So, I hope this answers some of your lingering questions and gives you the encouragement you need to play along, regardless of your skill level in the artsy fartsy department.

In fact, we haven’t really finalized the criteria for judging, so you never know . . . maybe there will be a prize for “Worst” or “Most Fucked Up” or “Scariest” or “Least Artistic.” We’re pretty wild and crazy you know. I’m just saying.

Please spread the word! The more the merrier!

With faith, hope, love, and hot glue,



  1. Question: Can the craft be edible, or does it need to be made primarily with something that isn’t food?

  2. I really really want to be a Craft Whore!!! I was just saying the other day I thought I lost my crafty mojo…this might just be the answer to my prayers!

  3. Dried hot glue can be useful to look like “liquids” Just saying.

  4. Fuck it, I don’t know if it is a craft or not, but I’m in.

  5. Ooooohhh, the hot glue hurts so good.

    I mean…

    Never mind.

    YAY FOR THE JUDGES. I totally want to win “Most fucked up” but I don’t think I have what it takes.

    • Oh, don’t sell yourself short, sister. You’re plenty fucked-up enough! Based on your tweets though, I’m thinking you might be a contender for “Most Anatomically Correct.” (Our judging criteria is not yet finalized…more deets coming soon!)

  6. oh oh oh I wanna play oh oh oh I wanna be a craft whore…I’m only a craft slut at this point. I need a promotion!

    • YAY! Join us! We love sluts! This could be the project you need to boost your rating from slut to full-fledged whore. Happy to help you achieve your life-long dreams, Elly.

  7. I love this…but so many of my followers are so sweet! I guess I’ll have to flag my own post for inappropriateness. Lawd.

    • Hmmmm. This is a dilemma. I feel your pain, Kirby. Well, not really, but I can appreciate how difficult it must be to have to maintain certain appearances on your blog. No. That’s a lie. I have no idea what that’s like. “Sweet” readers tend to run from here screaming “OH GOD! NOOOOOOO! MY EYES! HELP ME LORD JESUS!”

      What if you created a special page on your blog, sort of tucked away, so it’s not right on your front page? That way, only super dedicated readers who really get you and how funny you are will go to the trouble of seeing it? I think that could work!

      • I think that’s a great idea. My readers are generally kind of sweet, too. Not sure if an inappropriate craft would freak them out. Hidden page…hmmmm……

  8. I cannot wait to see what all the crafty twisty people come up with! 🙂

  9. Oh now this looks fun! Can’t wait to see what everyone comes up with.

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