What drives a woman to kill her husband with a coffee mug?

I don’t watch a lot of news these days.

It’s a conscious choice. My soft little brain simply just cannot tolerate all the negativity and fear mongering. It brings me down. Big time.

So I go about my business most days, pretty oblivious about breaking news stories. It’s usually not until someone asks me point blank “Are you going to boycott Chick-Fil-A?” or “Can you believe that douche canoe said women can’t get pregnant if they are ‘legitimately’ raped?”

And then I usually go scrambling for the Google so I can at least marginally participate in all the pithy banter going on around me in cyberspace and the carpool line.

But as fate would have it, I was passing through the family room this morning while The Gatekeeper was watching the news and I couldn’t help but hear the tail-end of a story about a 70-year-old high-ranking umpire on the U.S. professional tennis circuit who allegedly bludgeoned her 82-year-old husband to death…with a coffee mug.

True story. Couldn’t make it up if I tried. Lois Goodman was arrested yesterday and charged with murder. She was in New York at the time to officiate the U.S. Open tennis matches.

There I was, eyes and ears riveted to the TV, standing behind the love seat, right next to my husband’s big bald head…and holding a coffee mug.

It was my second cup of French Roast and it was damn good.

He sensed me standing there behind him, holding that coffee mug, and looked over his shoulder at me like “Don’t even think it.”

But of course, I had already thought it! How could I not? I was holding a coffee mug.

It was like his big bald head had a red target on it.

Luckily for him, my cup was full and I have my priorities.

So instead, I just snickered and said a quick prayer that Lois gets a judge and jury of women who have been married for 50 years.

I mean really.

Girlfriend used A COFFEE MUG…

…to bludgeon her octogenarian husband…TO DEATH.

I’m just trying to imagine what led up to that ultimate moment when she snapped and decided that repeatedly bashing his liver-spotted melon with a coffee mug was the best course of action.

Some possible scenarios:

Him: “Hon, we’re out of Splenda again.”
Her: “OH SUCK IT, Alan. If you want Splenda, put it on the God damn grocery list. I’m not a fucking mind reader! No, you know what? Fuck that fucking shit. I’ve got your Splenda right here, Bub.” {WHACK WHACK WHACK.}

or perhaps…

Him: “Wait, Lois, where are you going? You have another match today? I thought you were going to take me to get a hair cut at the Walmart.”
Her: “Hair cut? Jesus Christ, Alan. Didn’t we just get your hair cut two weeks ago? Ugh, I am so sick of being your damn taxi driver. You want a hair cut? YOU WANT A HAIR CUT?! I’ve got your hair cut right here, Bub!”  {WHACK WHACK WHACK.}

or maybe…

Him: “Lois, what’s a 5 letter word for bother?”
Her: “I’m trying to get out the door, Alan. I’m going to be late for my match. Get the Thesaurus, okay? I’ll call you later, bye.”
Him: “Oh fine. But could you please stop on the way home and pick me up some Metamucil? Oh and also, we’re out of Popsicles. I don’t like the generic ones. Get the real thing this time.”
Her:  {WHACK WHACK WHACK.}

or the most likely scenario:

Him: “Good morning honey.”
Her: “DIE MOTHERFUCKER!” {WHACK WHACK WHACK.}

Yeah, it’s probably good I don’t watch the news more often.

Now where the hell is my husband going with all our coffee mugs?

Men! {sigh}

 

 

About The Bearded Iris

Leslie Marinelli is a writer, humorist, blogger, life hacker, and invisible vessel for grandchildren and PTA donations.
This entry was posted in marital bliss and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

42 Responses to What drives a woman to kill her husband with a coffee mug?

  1. Jen at PIWTPITT.com says:

    This one cracked me up. I have to go read the story now! I watch way too much Dateline for my own good and I’m more paranoid the Hubs will kill ME with a coffee mug someday! I’m impressed she had the strength to do it at her age. I can barely kill a spider these days!

    • Well, she IS a tennis umpire…probably has one hell of a serve. :)

    • Ann says:

      Me too! My husband calls them “Whodunits” because somebody always ends up dead. Then I catch him eyeing me and I know he’s wondering if I’m storing up ideas just in case…

      It’s no wonder the man can’t get a good night’s sleep.

  2. OMG you are KILLING ME! (and not with your coffee mug thank God). Never underestimate the power of an angry woman drinking coffee. Sadly, we are missing the true victim here – the loss of precious coffee on a man’s head.
    I love you for making me lose my shit this morning..
    xo

  3. wy says:

    Love your take on this. Too funny

  4. Arnebya says:

    Not that I have envisioned (or planned down to the best CSI-evasive tactic) bludgeoning my husband with the cast iron skillet or anything, but there is an odd bit of understanding on my part after reading both the article and your suggested scenarios. Ahem. Also, I don’t drink coffee. I fry. A lot. I also don’t watch the news (at night).

    Is it wrong that the whack whack whack sound is, um, soothing and not a nauseating skull ripping sound?

  5. Jane says:

    I can not stop laughing! I think it is a good thing I don’t drink coffee or I would be following in Lois’ footsteps (and I’d be the last scenario no doubt). Great read this morning! Thanks

  6. Maybe he switched her regular to decaf

  7. 50 years! It’s a wonder more marriages don’t end by coffee cup.

  8. Mary Anne says:

    Rolling on the FLOOR!!!!!!!!!! Spilled my coffee outa the cup…..Oh well. My husband gets sooooo pissed when I Leave the cup in the sink in the mornings. It’s become this passive aggressive game with us. As soon as he cleans up his Man Cave Episode of Hoarders, I will put the cup in the dishwasher. Married 23 years, still happening. I’ve always said that when he dies, I’m gonna make sure that he is buried with my favorite Disney coffee cup so I will be with him always……………

  9. Brianne says:

    That lady is badass. She’s 70! She’s still working the tennis circuit! DAMN!!

    I’ve only been married 4 years and the thoughts are already rollin’ thru my brain. Props to her for holding out for so long!

    Hilarious!

  10. Allysgrandma says:

    You know what the problem was??? She had not filled that cup yet! She had not had her morning coffee….okay this is really awful and here we are all making fun, kind of like the surgical team who opens someone up and then makes jokes…..right??

  11. Monika says:

    I like the comment where someone suggested that her husband switched her coffee from regular to decaf. Or maybe he TOLD her to bring him his coffee when she was trying to get out the door to officiate the tennis match and that was just the last straw.

  12. Jester Queen says:

    “the Walmart”
    You captured the dead guy’s voice right there. Now, no matter if he turns out to have been a college professor, he’s forever stuck in my mind at redneck.

  13. Astra says:

    I will NEVER drink my French Vanilla in front of my bald husband without busting a gut (metaphorically) again. Thanks for the laugh :)

  14. Lisa Hewitt says:

    Girl – just the right day for this! I could kill a husband with a fucking q-tip today. could – not would…..if you hadn’t made me laugh so hard. So there you saved a life today. Peace and Love.

  15. Happy Little Feet says:

    Very funny. I won’t be able to pass behind people with hot beverages again with out these ridiculous ideas in my head! Thanks for the laugh

  16. John says:

    I’ve heard the very worst thing you can do is to give an OCD person a knife and then stay with them for a few hours. They’ll first think “I can stab you with this,” because, well, that’s what you can do with a knife. But, eventually, someone with really advanced OCD will say “I have to stab you with this,” and then, yeah, it’s bad.

    I’ll add coffee mugs to that same list.

    Did anyone stop to ask if he had a spider or mosquito on him at the time of the bludgeoning?

  17. Bernie Bickers says:

    Damn, my bro got Mugged…

    Meanwhile, do you remember those cheesy “Coffee Achievers” ads from the 1980’s?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHsF4ondZVU

    This story would make an interesting epilouge.

    Finally – wondering why it took the rocket scientists at CSI LA to figure this out four months later – the incident actually happened on April 17th. I’m guessing the same forensics team that worked the OJ case was on this one as well. If the mug does not fit you must acquit…

  18. I laughed until my ribs hurt.(and so did my hubby, but now he is off at the kitchen cupboard doing something, I am not sure what);)

  19. El Guapo says:

    Since the first two examples included “Bub”, I expected the third (with the thesaurus) to have a synonym.
    Alas no.
    And have you considered to switching to decaf?

  20. Crystal says:

    Maybe he forgot to guy coffee and she was just trying to scare him with a quick whip….but he couldn’t handle it.

  21. Mamarific says:

    Hysterical take on a completely bizarre news story…that I hadn’t heard about either!

  22. I’m dying here. I’m actually laughing out loud. So I really mean it when I say LOL! I think I pretty much lost it at, “I thought you were taking me to get a haircut at the Walmart!”

    And of course, “Fuck that fucking shit,” is always a classic.

    This is Tapas-fodder, my friend. :)

  23. Oh my, that is too funny (and really sad at the same time). Seriously, he was probably gonna die within the decade anyway. Why not just wait it out? Like you said. She must have just snapped.

  24. Sarah says:

    Ha ha! Wonderful.

    More coffee mugging reasons for me are: nail chewing, eating all of something with no replacement in site, doing exactly the opposite of something I just asked….. I need to hide the mugs.

  25. Kim P says:

    HA! Better wipe your fingerprints off your coffee cup and establish an alibi before CSI starts reading your blog.

  26. Heard this on the way to work and literally laughed out loud. And then I said (again out loud) What The Fuckity Fuck?

    • Kmary says:

      Thank you Jana for another bee-ut-ee-ful phrase to add to my collection “What the fuckety fuck?” Fucking AWEsome!

  27. That picture is priceless!

  28. OMG. You are killin’ me… and not with a coffee mug, but

    And it’s a big butt…

    When I was 11 years old, I witnessed my mother throw a coffee mug at my father’s head. Luckily, she either had terrible aim (or alarmingly accurate) missed my father’s head by about a 1/2 an inch and it fucking ssssshattered against the brick fireplace behind him.

    That was some quality family time, let me tell you.

    Coffee mugs are fucking lethal.

  29. robin says:

    honest to goodness….this has to be one of your best!!!! whack-whack-whack LMAO!!
    shared with hubby….I think he may be looking over his shoulder now (smile)

  30. SLAIN. I am SLAIN. You have killed me with a VIRTUAL coffee cup. Well played, Leslie. Well played.

  31. Pingback: What She Said » Friday Tapas: The Late Edition

  32. OMG, I’m dying! That is awesome. Or wrong. Or awesomely wrong. IDK, but wow.

  33. Karen says:

    Hm…and my grandmother just counselled me to roll hubby up in the bedsheets when he is sleeping and smack him around with a cast iron skillet….

  34. Dawn@LightenUp! says:

    You know what caused her to beat him to death with her coffee mug? 50 years of marriage. Plain an simple. Word.

  35. Dawn@LightenUp! says:

    PS: I want you to know that I have been chucking all dam day at the thought of that picture: your hub’s vulnerable, somewhat bald head, so near to your weapon, er, coffee mug. All day, I was laughing. :)

  36. Kmary says:

    Oh. MY. GAWD! Laughing so hard. right. now. I am sick today with some cold shittola and decided to catch up on some good reading. Mind you, I was eating a vitamin C gummy vitamin and I think I snorted half of it up into my sinuses. Oh wouldn’t that be a great conversation piece at the Drs office? “So Mrs. Corrigall, how the hell did you manage to wedge a piece of gummy vitamin into your frontal sinus lobe anyway?”
    My response? “THE Walmart” and the entire “Splenda” scenario. Bless your heart. You da BOMB!

  37. I”m late to this party but ermagawd! Laughing! Bless her heart – she almost made it to the final round!!

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