Today is the last day of school for my two big ‘uns, and my Bucket Head finished last Friday. Yes, you are correct, kids in the South DO get out of school a lot earlier than other kids. That’s because we need to get them out in the fields picking cotton with us ASAP or we won’t have a snowball’s chance in H-E-Double-Fucking-Hockeysticks to win the Blue Ribbon for the biggest crop at the County Faaaaaaair.
On the plus (and minus) side, our kids also return to school at a ridiculously early date: August 9th. It is so backasswards, I’ve been here 9 years and I still can’t get my head around it. By the time August rolls around we’ll finally have found our summer stride and it will be way too hot for the kids to be in school all day. That’s when we need to be lying about in hammocks and skipping rocks and lazing around the pool all day…not shopping for school supplies and new shoes, dammit.
I did the math for you: our summer is 75 days long. Hold me. At least it is two days shorter than last year.
But on a positive note, this week TWO of my children won awards for Perfect Attendance! I know! Can you believe it?! Nature Boy and Mini-Me both made it through the entire school year without missing a single dingle damn day. I’m proud of my kids and all, but really it should be the parents who get this award for nurturing their children’s kick-ass immune systems and/or getting their kids lazy bones out of bed and to the bus stop on time all year long. So I’m commandeering this award for myself. Suck it, kids.
Hey, you know what doesn’t suck? My friend Emily G’s Jam of Love. (This is not a sponsored post, nor is it an example of how to do a smooth segue.) I just bring this up because one of my lovely readers (Lisa) was kind enough to point out to me that I never announced who won my first ever (and probably only) giveaway! Doy-yoy-yoy! Sorry about that. It was Jane. I used Random.org’s sequence generator and it told me that commenter #53 was the winner, so congrats Jane! I hope you like your jams as much as I do!
And speaking of exciting news (and bad segues), I got a job…a real job…a job that pays cash money instead of just frozen corn dogs and body washes to review. Seriously PR people, back the fark off. We don’t want your crappy products. We want money and/or gift cards to the Liquor Barn.
Anyhoooo, my fancy new job comes with a real live press release and everything! This is the real deal, yo, and I couldn’t be more excited or proud. I feel like I have hit the Mother Lode by working with the InThePowderRoom team. They get me. They really get me. And I can actually make jokes about things like anal sex and boners and stool samples on conference calls and not get fired. Remember that ten year gap on my resume? Completely irrelevant now. Keep the faith, my fellow SAHMs…if a foul-mouthed kale-eating hooker like ME can find a dream job, there is hope for us all.
Lastly, I have to tell you something. My sweet husband, The Gatekeeper, stopped reading my blog posts (both here and In The Powder Room) several months ago. He did that because he doesn’t usually like what I write about him, men in general, or sexytimes (or lack thereof). But yesterday, our anniversary, he saw that I was scanning an old picture of us and was curious to know what I wrote.
Well apparently he liked it because he emailed me a written response to share with you all. I’m completely verklempt. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor and privilege to share with you a guest post by The Gatekeeper:
Yes I would most definitely do it all again. But I have to say, her efforts to get me to notice her were totally un-necessary, I mean WOW how could I not notice her, she was beautiful (and still is). By the time we connected at our friend’s goodbye party I was hooked, and after our coffee date I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
What she didn’t tell you is that she tried to break up with me after our 4th date (the 4th date had some significance in her mind??). She said she was getting too serious about me and was not ready to be in a committed relationship. So I listened, but instead I suggested that we go to Reno and get married. I called her the next morning still pushing the Reno idea.
We didn’t run off to Reno but we did stay together. The year we got engaged we went to Pittsburgh for Christmas. While there we went to visit the parents of a good friend of Leslie’s, to wish them a Merry Christmas and share our news. I remember the Father saying something like, remember how you feel about each other right now and carry that feeling with you throughout your marriage. It was great advice and no matter what is going on in our lives I keep that memory close and I am reminded of just how crazy in love I am with her.
(*sniffle sniffle, HONK*)
I mean really.
Excuse me. I need a moment.
Okay, I’m back. That Father he’s referring to was my college friend Jen’s dad Larry. We still send each other Christmas cards every year.
By the way, I found a picture of The Gatekeeper in that hat I mentioned yesterday. Ladies and gay men, brace yourselves:
AND he can cook, too.
Back off, bitches. He’s mine…all mine.
Have a beautiful Memorial Day Weekend everyone, and please, don’t come a knockin’ if the minivan is a-rockin’.