The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Have Pantsuit, Will Travel.

Can you believe I’ve NEVER been a bridesmaid?

With this fashion sense and these dance moves?

I know. Me neither! So I’m just putting it out there that I am available for weddings, vow renewals, and commitment ceremonies…vintage pantsuit optional.  Call me.

For more details about my qualifications to be in your bridal party, please read my weekly column In The Powder Room today.

And speaking of my fancy pantsuit, I’ve received a lot of comments/questions/concerns about it since the debut of my dance video earlier this week.

This has given me the idea to introduce a new semi-regular feature here at The Bearded Iris called “Ask Iris.” You can submit your burning life questions to me via email at iris <at> thebeardediris <dot> com or using the handy dandy form on my contact page. Please include “Ask Iris” in your subject line so it doesn’t get lost with all my porn.

So anyhoooo, back to the sisterhood of my traveling pantsuit. Here’s a pic of me struggling with my camera shyness in 1992 at a summer hotel job “Tacky Party.”

OMG. How cute was my sidekick there? I have always had a weakness for men with ascots and Travolta-esque chin dimples.

But I digress. Let’s answer your questions:

Q: What. The. Fuck…are you wearing in that dance video. You look like Mrs. Roper went off her meds after a long night in the back room at the Regal Beagle.

A: Funny you should mention because I am off my meds, and could use a good couple of minutes correcting forms with the Wite-Out if you know what I mean. What I am wearing is a vintage one-piece fully lined disco halter romper circa 1975. The fabric is a sparkly silver totally non-breathable polyester blend. The pant legs are flared and accordion pleated.

Q: Where on earth did you get that incredible garb?

A: I bought this baby at The Goodwill in the late 1980s. I was starring in a sorority revue of The Wiz (as Addaperle) and wanted to wear something FABULOUS. Can I get two snaps and a twist?

Q: How is it possible that you still have something you bought over twenty years ago?

A: Oh honey, have you never seen my vintage 80s Mom Jean collection? I am probably one peanut shell collection away from starring on an episode of Hoarders.

Q: And you still fit into it? Dude!

A: It’s very stretchy and forgiving, unless you get a good look at me in it from behind, then duck and cover!

Q: How do you clean it?

A: I don’t.

Q: OMG. You bought it at The Goodwill, from a dead disco queen, and you’ve never cleaned it? Do you have crabs?

A: Not anymore. I think the heat from the polyester kills all the crotch critters. Besides, I don’t go commando in it! Gross!

Q: Does it smell?

A: Yes: horrible. Do yourself a favor and keep your distance.

Q: Is there a special compartment in the pants for your enormous hairy balls? Because I have never seen anyone make such an ass out of themselves ON PURPOSE, and with a straight face.

A: Grandma? Is that you? Nice try. You know I keep my balls freshly shorn.

Alrighty then folks. I hope that answers all your burning questions about my vintage pantsuit. If you have any suggestions for how I should launder that mofo, please let me know. It really is all kinds of stanky. But on the plus side, there are NO moth issues in my closet.

Hey, great news: today is the LAST day of whoring for votes on that Top 25 Funny Moms contest. I’m currently holding steady at #5 in spite of a few star-studded last minute entries. If you can spare two more clicks today to help lock-in my place on the list, groovy. If not, I understand. There are probably lots of other women out there who will sacrifice their dignity and retinal health for your entertainment.

with love and sequins,

-Iris

19 Comments

  1. OMG!!! I think you get awesomer (I know it’s not a “real” word but whatever…) and awesomer with each post!!! And you definitely know how to rock a pantsuit,whether it’s in 1992 or dancing in your kitchen in 2012! Love the Q&A!

  2. Hey, Girl! I know vintage polyester blends. Unless the label says otherwise, that polyester stuff is indestructible. I’d think you can wash the snot out of it.

    • Hey Mary Lou! This thing does not have a label – I’m just guessing because of the way it feels. You really think I can just wash it? What do you think…cold/gentle just to be safe? Drip dry?

  3. My life has been changed by your pantsuit dance. Excuse me, life-changing events deserve caps, Pantsuit Dance.

  4. HOLY GUACAMOLE! That is pure HAWTNESS!
    I clearly need to get my costuming groove on!
    Kerry at HouseTalkN

  5. Did you not know that pantsuits were back?

  6. Pantsuits are totally in, and I thought you were being trendy! You wear it well. I love it.

  7. Just don’t EVER put this thing in your standard Maytag clothes dryer. Or stand over a heat register in January. Or use a hair dryer while wearing it. Becasue if you do, Mini-Me is gonna end up with some new Barbie clothes. (i.e. – Polyester of that era tends to shrink like… well, like Shrinky Dinks. Maybe there’s a connection there???)

  8. Sort of on the fence as whether you should or shouldn’t bring this to EBWW.
    Smell is somewhat of an issue.
    But the writing fodder you would provide for the masses – your name would be legend.
    Word.

  9. I just laughed so hard I tipped my chair over.

  10. Dare I ask where you got the bead necklaces from??

  11. LOVE! You have lit a thrift-store light in me and I’m hunting! With a summer series of Dance Offs, come on! I need to rewatch your video a few times for some moves! “I got the moves like Jagger…”

  12. I’ve never been a fan of pantsuits…. the whole too much FUPA and no where for a fart to escape except up by my neck, and then having to strip just to pee…. just doesn’t wash for me.

    Plus, I am wicked fat. No one wants to see that.

    BUT- You rock the shit out of it. I think you need to wear it all the time. Especially grocery shopping.

  13. Okay, I thought the damn vlog was one of the funniest things ever until I read the Q and A. Might have peed a little. Slow clap building to standing ovation. Ellen

  14. You had me at the first line of this post. I’ve never been a bridesmaid either! We are SUCH kindred spirits. You and Julie Gardner. Let’s all three of us run away and live together in a commune where we will spend every day drinking wine, telling dirty jokes, and just laughing, laughing, laughing. Maybe we’ll let the husbands and kids visit every now and then. Maybe we won’t.

    Also, you sort of look like Lady Gaga in that picture. I’m not even kidding.

  15. When I saw your video, all I could think of was an orange polyester outfit I had that was very similar to that, although it was a two piece. One of my many regrets in life-getting rid of that outfit. However, have you noticed that some of those 70s polyester fabrics seem to be eating themselves. It’s like a cancer or something; probably all that oil byproducts that they were made out of.

  16. I found your blog via asassyredhead – lucky me that I get to know her in real life. :)…..you’re a funny chick too!…and I enjoyed your dance video! 🙂

  17. Listen. I love you and all. But I AIN’T getting married just so you can be a bridesmaid.

    Unless it’s to a rich man with a bad heart. Then we can talk.

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