The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

And that’s where baby corn comes from.

I wish you could come over for dinner sometime and see with your own eyes the kind of mayhem that exists around my kitchen table every night.

Just last evening alone, I witnessed:

1.) The Gatekeeper (husband) pleading with the rest of us to have “just one meal without any butt talk or bodily functions.”

2.) Mini-Me (9 y.o. daughter) showcasing a new magic trick: holding her own pinky with the rest of her fingers on the same hand and making it wiggle like a worm. (So freaky and gross! And also, hilarious! Might have to video tape it for you at some point.)

3.) Bucket Head (4 y.o. son) rattling off all the characters from the X-Men cartoon and explaining to us in vivid detail why Jean Grey would never marry Gambit, and then saying “Don’t worry mom, I said GAMBIT, with a G.”

4.) And my favorite moment from the night, a conversation about the origins of baby corn.

photo of baby corn

baby corn

We were having slow-cooker coconut ginger chicken and veggies discovered earlier this week on Pinterest. (Kids hated it, but The Gatekeeper and I had three bowls each. Delish! Thanks Elliot!)

While picking through the veggies for another bite of chicken,  Mini-Me cocked her head to the side and said, “Where does baby corn come from?”

Without missing a single beat, my 12 year old son Nature Boy said,

“Well, when a Mommy Corn and a Daddy Corn love each other very much…”

I swear to God.

The kid is TWELVE years old. He should have his own sitcom.

I’m telling you, I laughed until tears were streaming down my face. And then I saw that look in his eyes, that look of pride indicating, “Yeah, I made my mom laugh. Score!” I know that feeling. It’s the BEST.

Then I told the kids about the classic baby corn scene from Big. You know the one…

And we made plans to watch it together as a family later tonight. I can hardly wait!

(Updated: DO NOT watch “Big” with your kids. Holy CRAP. Totally inappropriate. See comments below.) 

By the way, according to the google, baby corn is just immature regular corn that is harvested before it has a chance to develop into big meaty flossable adult corn. Hey, the more you know. Frankly, I’m relieved. I don’t like to think of my veggies bumping uglies, especially in corn fields where dudes like Malachai could be hiding out with their scary sickles and shit.

So that’s the dealio with baby corn. Little red potatoes though? Totally different story…

Whoa...that is one happy sweet potato!

"The Vulvato" submitted by @NotSoSunshine

I was wondering what that thumping sound in my pantry was! Mystery solved.

Special thanks to @NotSoSunshine of TheFlyingWalleeties for sharing her spectacular “vulvato” with me on the twitter.

Have a good weekend, y’all.

jovially yours,

-Iris

39 Comments

  1. I’d forgotten how delightful 12 yr old boys can be. Spring break is coming, it’s only 12 hr drive to your house, I can be there the 1st week in April.

  2. That is too frigging hilarious! I thought we were the only house that had crazy conversations… the other night our son’s friend slept over and another boy stayed for dinner. We ended up having a “potty” conversation and I told them how I still remember the boy that pooped his pants in the second grade. I think something flew out one boy’s nose he was laughing so hard. Priceless. Thank you, 2nd grade pants crapper, for giving me an awesome Mommy Moment.

    • Bless his heart! “Thank you, 2nd grade pants crapper…” indeed! Funny, I still remember the kid who peed himself waiting in line at the library when we were in 3rd grade. I saw his picture on FB a few years back…he turned out to be a gorgeous man with a great job, but all I see is that puddle forming in his lil’ Wranglers.

  3. Ah yes, the adolescent boy. Nothing quite compares….

  4. I’m so glad I read this post – now I know how little red potatoes are made!

  5. So that explains Gherkins! I always knew our Kosher pickles were up to no good! And I thought it was just the kitten getting stuck in the refrigerator making all that ruckus!

    YOU are hilarious. LOVE.

  6. Sweet mother…I swear I just pee’d in my damn work chair.

    Before I even read this but saw baby corn in the title…yes, Tom Hanks cluttered up my mind. That is the best frigging scene…and I love him.

    But then I read. And I giggled. Hard.

    That’s where the pee soaked chair comes in.

    And then I scrolled.

    Maybe I’ve just been out of the let’s-get-naked scene too long. Cause the sweet potato I immediately thought was a turd.

    And that damn vulvata is pure porn.

    Me likey.

    • No, you’re right…that sweet potaturd is definitely borderline butt putty. It was getting kind of old and wrinkly, so I took the picture and then tossed it in my compost pile.

  7. THAT is frigging hilarious! Ha! It’s the Gatekeeper that wants a meal with more social decorum!!

    • Yep. I’m the YIN to his YANG. (Not to be confused with me being the BIN for his WANG. Oh my God, did I just say that?)

      • Okay, okay, I should expect it by now, and stop trying to drink coffee while reading your stuff, Iris. But guess what? Now I get to windex the computer. Again.

        BIN to his WANG…. I’m still laughing. Audibly. 5 year old in the next room wants to know what’s so funny.

  8. These are the days I have to look forward to, right? lol

    It’s OK to think about your vegetables bumping uglies – I’ve watched Cars so many times that Hubs and I have actually had a serious conversation about how, if they are married and/or dating, how do 2 cars ‘do it’ and how would a female car carry another full term.

  9. LOL … but word of warning … we too thought BIG would be a great family movie.
    Unless your youngest is well versed in curse words, most of them are in it, threw us a tad watching it with ours.

    • Oh God, I totally should have listened to you! The language!! So unsuitable for the little one. Luckily he got tired and went to be before THE SEX SCENE! Holy CRAP! What was PG back then is really more like R today. I mean really, F bomb and shirt-off-over-the-bra-coppa-feels? Shame on me.

      • I wish someone would write a catalog of “classic movies from our childhood that are appropriate for elementary school children.” I would have put Big right up there, but I forgot about all this stuff I don’t wanna explain to the sheltered 11, 9, and 5 year old girls in my house. So thanks for the heads up, ladies.

        This has happened to me with other movies. I’ll be so excited to have them watch something with me that I loved as a young ‘un, and then my wiser half will say, “Uh, don’t you remember the part where they….” And then, in my frustration, I’ll yell something even more inappropriate than the movie.

        The only few I’ve found that are okay for the Brady Beauties…. Goonies, the first Indiana Jones (but I have to cover the little ones eyes in a few places), and maybe Last Starfighter. We also let them watch Galaxy Quest, but they didn’t really get it, having never seen Star Trek or any other cheesy space movies of my era.

        Does anyone have any other 80’s movie recommendations that wont scar the children for life or cause me to have to conduct those embarassing discussions?

  10. oh yes, and the scene where he wants to touch her flowers, may open a whole can of worms for Buckethead, just sayin …

  11. Oh my goodness! So glad I used the powder room before I read this. Hilarious as usual. One question – How many people (besides me) stopped readin to try mini-me’s magic trick?

  12. Hahaha….I remember those days….so glad you are writing about them….I’m sure I have forgotten most of mine! Happy weekend to you!

    Crab cakes and assorted roasted veges for Lenten dinner tonight!

    • We did the Knights of Columbus Fish Fry at our church. You have never seen a plate that big of all beige foods…fried fish, french fries, mac-n-cheese, corn, and creamy coleslaw?! WTF?! Since when does Fridays of Lent = constipation and poor nutrition? GAG!

  13. I would love to be at your dinner table, yes!!

    Oh my, I need to wash my eyes after that vulva picture!

  14. a table full of little girls have similar conversations but they’re more polite and there is more eye rolling. it’s why i have hobbies.

  15. Is it wrong that I’m a little jealous of the vulva on that sweet potato?
    I mean, I’m 43 and I’ve had a couple of kids.

    (Shhhhh.)

  16. Jen Has A Pen

    March 4, 2012 at 8:19 am

    Here is my baby corn story. I used to work in a restaurant where we served baby corn on the dinner salads. The owner’s father would always mozy back into the kitchen, talk loud and rednecky, and then he’d go to the salad bar and get an ear of baby corn. He’d dip it into the ranch vat way up to his knuckles. He’d pull out the ranch soaked corn, eat it, then suck the remaining ranch from his fingers. THEN, he’d dig in his ears, bite a fingernail and go back in for corn. I never ate from that fuckin’ salad bar. Made me siiiiick.

    • Oh. My. GOD. Disgusting! I might never be able to eat at a salad bar again! I was a waitress in college and I’ll never forget one of my co-workers freaking out over losing a bandaid during the dinner rush. One minute it was on his finger…the next minute it was gone. We found it in a customer’s soup.

      Let’s stop talking before I voluntarily become a shut-in.

  17. HA! This is awesome. I’ve always wondered about baby corn. Your son sounds hilarious!

  18. Oh my word. You are a riot!

    I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re an inspiration. I nominated you for an award at http://www.busylibrarian.com. Feel free to check it out, but don’t feel any pressure to follow through with nominating other bloggers. I just thought that I would take the time to recognize the amazing bloggers that I can’t help but share with everyone I know.

    Sincerely,

    – Matthew

    • Hi Matthew! Wow – that is AWESOME! I’m thrilled. You are the first person to give me a “One Lovely Blog” award (which is so much better than a “You just made me vomit in my mouth a little” award). I especially appreciate being your guilty pleasure blog to read amongst all those book/library/teacher related blogs. It’s an honor, truly. Thank you for getting my humor and liking it enough to share with your friends.

  19. While giving the vegetable porn the props it deserves, my favorite part of the post was the moment you had with your 12 y/o. That is the best. That flash of seeing the person you’ll eventually get to be friends with. I just had a moment with my 13 y/o. She sat down from giving her speech, kinda jerked her head toward me when I caught her eye and gave me the biggest smile. It is these moments that will get us through the teen years. Ellen

    • YES YES YES! Exactly! This is a kid I could totally be friends with someday…hopefully he’ll feel the same way. That’s a great story about your daughter. Totally makes all those messy vomit-clogging-the-sink-and-dripping-from-the-ceiling incidents worth it, doesn’t it?

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