The best laid plans often turn to biohazards. No? Just me?

Damn. It. To. Hell.

I had big plans today! BIG plans to write something serious and heart wrenching and important.

And then my friend dropped her 5 year old son off at my house for an early morning play date and preschool carpool so she could go volunteer at her older child’s school.

Now normally, this would be a pretty uneventful morning. Bucket Head and his “Little Buddy” are really cute together. They play well, they take turns, they keep their clothes on (for the most part); they’re very low maintenance as a dynamic duo.

Well, there was that one time that I walked in on them taking turns touching our dog’s butthole and saying “It’s okay to touch it on the outside, but don’t put your finger INSIDE it. He doesn’t like that.”

Boys.

I like having Little Buddy around. He keeps Bucket Head busy so I can write. Which is exactly what I was doing when I heard him come out of the powder room and say to Bucket Head “You know what took me so long? I was pooping. And it was a little messy. But don’t worry, I cleaned it up.”

I rounded the corner faster than a pageant mom chasing her long lost youth.

There, in my hallway, stood Bucket Head and Little Buddy, holding hands and walking toward the play room.

{GASP!}

Suddenly everywhere I looked was tainted with a brown cloud of micro-bacterial filth.

“HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, BOYS!” I blurted, probably a little too loudly. “Buddy, did I just hear you say you had a messy poop?”

“Yes.”

“What exactly do you mean by ‘messy poop’?”

“Well, when I was wiping? I got a big blob of poop on the toilet paper. And also on my hand.”

(Oh my God.) “And then what did you do?…uh, Sweetie.”

“I wiped the poop off my hand with toilet paper. And then I used more toilet paper to wipe the toilet seat. And the handle. And the wall.”

(NOOOOOOoooooooooooooo.)

“The wall?”

“Well…I was reaching for more toilet paper and I accidentally touched the wall.”

“Oh…I see. Okay. It happens. Then what did you do?”

“I washed my hands.”

“With soap?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes ma’am.” (We live in the South. That’s considered good manners, especially when you’re scared and want a grown up to like you and not think you intentionally smeared feces on their wall like a rabid howler monkey. Uh, just guessing.) 

“Did you use LOTS of soap?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure, Honey? Because we need to make sure you don’t have any poop on your hands.”

“Yes ma’am. I’m sure.”

“And did you dry your hands with that towel over there?” (As I pick up the hand towel by the very corner and carry it toward my washing machine like it might detonate any second.)

“Yes.”

“Okay. Just to be on the safe side, I think we should ALL wash our hands again, m’kay?”

“Okay.”

And so we did…in another bathroom, because I couldn’t even fathom the thought of touching those sink handles until after I had time to don a Hazmat suit and break the seal on a new bottle of Clorox.

So yeah. And that’s why I’m once again writing about poop instead of something more important like mental health, or civil rights, or The Bachelor hometown visits.

Poor Buddy. I hope his mom doesn’t mind that I gave him a Silkwood shower.

Or that the kids were late to school.

Or that we’ll only be doing play dates at public parks from now on.

Suddenly dog proctology seems so normal and sanitary.

Yours truly, and now with extra germ-killing action,

-Iris

About The Bearded Iris

Leslie Marinelli is a writer, humorist, blogger, life hacker, and invisible vessel for grandchildren and PTA donations.
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37 Responses to The best laid plans often turn to biohazards. No? Just me?

  1. Julie says:

    Oh Iris. It’s just poop.

    Totally kidding. That is disgusting. The poop of my immediate family I can handle, but foreign poop is despicable.

  2. Meili says:

    Wow. Iris. I have girls, Thank you God again, and they are almost as grossed out as me with this sort of thing. Aren’t you glad you have the internet, so you don’t have to wait for your husband to come home and pretend to care about these kind of things when you share with him? Hang in there.

  3. Jennifer says:

    Hilarious post! Hazmat suit is a tremendous idea. Need to invest in one of those for when my baby boy is older.

  4. JayMoney says:

    Make me laugh! My 4 year old son had an MS (messy sh*t) this weekend, brought his undies and pants into the kitchen to put on. In the process of doing this, he proceeded to leave a big skid mark on my floor. Clean up on aisle 3!

  5. The publicist grew up with three younger brothers. Need she say more?

  6. Kate says:

    I remember when I watched my friend’s son once a week and he was potty training and she refused to use pull-ps. And he shit all down my hall. That was about 8 years ago, but I still shudder at the memory. I made him wear pull-ups after that. Cleaning up after my own kids was bad enough.

    Oh, and seeing that clip reminds me… was it bad that my 8th grade teacher showed us the movie Silkwood during school (at a Catholic school, mind you)?

  7. Ann says:

    There would most likely be a FOR SALE sign in my front yard and I’d already be in a hotel, just sayin’.

  8. Carrie says:

    Serious and heart wrenching?

    Yep. Definitely two words that just won’t leave my mind when I sit back, gaze upwards and think: Iris. The Bearded Iris.

    POOP STORIES ARE THE BEST! And as far as I’m concerned, there are times poop is pretty serious and heart wrenching.

    Such as when it’s on MY walls. Or MY seat. Or MY hands.

    Little boys and their poop. Nothing quite like it. Thank you, Jesus.

  9. Ali says:

    OMG. This is horrifying. Seriously. Germaphobes such as myself can’t handle things like this. And he was holding hands with your kid? I would have had to have them immediately soak their hands in a pot of boiling water.

    But, you should thank this child for the blog material bc this is some of the funniest, um, shit that I have ever read. Because, of course, it didn’t happen to me.

  10. Brett Minor says:

    I have a third grade teacher friend who had a student who liked to get naked in the bathroom, smear poop all over his body and then run down the hallways.

    They started sending teachers in with him to make sure it didn’t happen, but occasionally he would take a restroom break without telling anyone (like at lunchtime) and do it again. He won’t stop running and no one wants to grab him.

    He quit teaching at the end of that year.

  11. L. Hewitt says:

    Bless Your Heart! and I will after I get through laughing. I certainly hope your day has improved. O.K., I blessed your heart now everything should be just fine.

  12. Vanna says:

    OMG so it’s not just me? Thank gawd! During potty training my lil girl had “messy poop” all the time and I would freak out and want to lock myself in sanitized room. I felt like such a drama queen. Now I get to start potty training all over again with my son … yay?

  13. Ewwwwwwwwwwww…. you said ‘PAGEANTS’.
    You’re disgusting.

  14. Jennifer says:

    I’m laughing and holding in a poop. And trying not to pee.

    My daughter had a playdate at her BFFs house last weekend. I went to pick her up and just as we were leaving she sharted. Not just a small shart, it was a detonation. Her BF insisted on accompanying her into the bathroom to supervise the clean up. (I’m barfing up lunch as I type this.) I was secretly so glad it happened away from home. Heh heh.

  15. Hahahaha…. you “Silkwooded” your friend’s son after a messy poop. That’s hysterical. Funny how poking the dog in the rear suddenly doesn’t sound so icky. (Except to the dog, of course.) PS – I think mental health & The Bachelor home town visits fall into the same category. Technically.

  16. At least he had the courtesy to clean up after himself. Somewhat.

    Still, ewwww.

  17. Just to be clear, it’s not just boys, we’ve had our moments even with two adorable girls. But our fondest poop memory involves Erin’s youngest copping a squat on the beach and doing a dookie. “It looks like raisins!” Good times. At what point will I start to remember communal defecation is not REALLY acceptable? Ellen

  18. Allysgrandma says:

    Thank you God I have no sons! I had BIG plans today too. I am at a quilting retreat (only I can come home not stay in a hotel) and I started having too much pain….so I came home even before dinner (lunch and dinner is included with staying until 9:00 pm to work on our projects) so I could take my pain pill AND a Valium. I brought homework home though for DH and I to do…..pinning my quilt, the batting and backing together……Let’s drink to changes of plans…on wait I can’t drink, I just took a Valium. Okay have a double, take my drink too!

  19. Kathleen says:

    I didn’t think it was possible to dread my son’s potty training any more than I did… And then I read this=) Thanks for the laugh though!

  20. Kristy says:

    Ok… Laughing my butt off.. but seriously… EWWWWWW!!!!!! :p

  21. Poop makes me cry and say “no no no,” over and over again. Which is exactly what I was doing while reading this.

  22. Didi says:

    LMAO!!!

    What kills me is that ‘we love them’ no matter what!! Sometimes we don’t like that much… but we alway’s love!!

    Moms!!

  23. Mommy Shorts says:

    Clearly you have to move. Or at least demolish your bathroom.

    Also?

    Poor Cacie B.

  24. Kristin says:

    Oh boy. I think the dog anus story was a precursor, no?

    That scene reminded me of a movie…which one was it? Dumb and Dumber? Along Came Polly? I can’t think of it. A well-meaning character tries to clean up a little mess and it ends up going EVERYwhere. I think he escapes through the window. Or is it a she? Now I have something to think about for the rest of the day.

    I’m very, very glad that you overheard the admission. Even more glad that he made the admission!

  25. Please tell me you’ll wait at least 48-hours before sucking Bucket Head’s thumb again
    (even if it’s not true).

    p.s. This story reminded me of the time I found my son (who was four) and his best friend (also four) in the toy closet wearing only their underwear. I opened the door and they both shouted “We don’t have anything in our butts!” So of course I knew they had something in their butts. Turns out, they’d each put half of a box of thumb tacks in the back of their underwear and were standing around waiting to see what happened. Boys. (Also, weird.)

  26. Jen Has A Pen says:

    I’m very scared of poop. I clean up after my dogs, but I try to do this with my eyes closed if ever possible. I’m sooooo grossed out by it. My heart really goes out to you on this one. Nastay.

  27. Leigh Ann says:

    My moment of horror occurred when I was nursing my then something-month-old (she was small, that’s all I remember), and raised her hand and started exploring my face and sticking her fingers in my mouth and nose. It was then that I realized that she had gotten her hand down into her diaper area while I was reaching for a wipe. Mmmmmmm. Poop.

  28. Flor Mowery says:

    Shit happens!!!! Hahahaha

  29. Michaela Mitchell says:

    Which is harder? Dealing with it or the wait that occurs before you blog about it? Because you know moments like this scream, “Blog me!”

  30. tracy@sellabitmum says:

    Do you know what I love – kids that are comfortable to just poop anywhere. Not at my house of course..but at your house. They are adorable!

  31. Leighann says:

    My daughter has just started to reach into her diaper.
    I don’t like this stage…
    I like when the poo was contained (for the most part).
    Potty training has its down falls.

    Glad you had everyone re-wash.

  32. Bernie Bickers says:
  33. Ah, the Interwebs love a poop story.
    And Mamas handle more crap each day than any human should have to.
    “I accidentally touched the wall…” Oh, goodness, how I’d end my ban on bleach.

  34. dumb mom says:

    Gag. I’m really incapable of producing a more eloquent response than that because, really? Is there one?

  35. gspices says:

    Some other kid’s poop is always worse than our own little one’s. Flashback to babysitting and the kid bragged about wiping himself but needed help getting it out from under his nails *gag*

  36. Stacey H. says:

    Yay for you! You thought you were out of diaper and poopy days…WRONGO! HAAA!! At least he didn’t barf on you afterwards.

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