The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Welcome to Funky Town, population: ME.

Have you ever unwittingly rounded the corner in your own home only to discover one of your children doing something SO stinkin’ cute you thought your heart would pop right out of your chest and roll down the hallway?

If you are a parent, you surely have. Even if your babies are the fur baby variety, this is probably a familiar scenario. Right?

And of course, you never have a video camera rolling at that moment, or even a camera of any kind within arm’s reach.

God forbid you were to run for said camera because you just KNOW that by the time you returned the moment would be gone.

So you freeze and hold your breath and press the “record button” in your mind, hoping to never ever ever forget what you are seeing.

Well, as luck would have it, I walked in on my 4 year old son Bucket Head getting down to the song Funky Town by Lipps Inc. the other day. You know the phrase “dance like nobody is watching”? That is exactly what I witnessed. I’m telling you, it was a sight to behold.

But it wasn’t just his resplendent dance moves, oh no. Homeboy was singing along while he was shaking his money maker.

I held my breath and slapped my hand over my mouth so I wouldn’t chortle and ruin the moment, but once I gathered my wits about me, I realized he was totally botching the lyrics in the most delightful way…and not just because of his well-documented speech impairment.

You know the part in the song that goes “…talk about it, talk about it, talk about it, talk about it…”?

Bucket Head was singing:  “…taco body, taco body, taco body, taco body…”

Hand to God. I will never be able to sing it any other way for the rest of my  life. Instant classic. I’m talking, “Hold me closer, Tony Danza” classic. 

As predicted, once he realized I was watching, he froze up like a deer in the headlights. But because his performance was such a show shopper, I thought I might be able to get him to do a repeat performance on camera.

Boy oh boy, was I wrong.

The following is what we’ll call Just Another Precious Motherhood Moment:

This is why seasoned professionals know better than to star alongside children or animals.

Live and learn. And probably do laundry and/or tend to my personal hygiene more often.

yours truly,

-Iris

Linking this up to Yeah Write because something tells me that those bloggers know a thing or two about how to bring the funk to any potluck.

ADDENDUM: This post won “Lurker’s Favorite” over at Yeah Write this week, which is purdy durn awesome, if you ask me! Thank you Erica and Q!

93 Comments

  1. My twins are 4 and I LOVE seeing them dance with absolutely no inhibitions. It’s so freeing, and I dread the day when they start to realize that people are WATCHING.

  2. You had me at ‘Taco Body’ and you are right, I’ll never sing it any other way again.

  3. ‘kay, if the vlog wasn’t priceless enough… the blog addition adds a whole new level of awesomeness. “Taco body?” GENIUS! Love Bucket Head, and LOVE the Mama.

  4. OMG is right! Funniest thing I have seen/heard in a long time! Oh, the irony of the song is just too good.
    I just found your blog last week and promptly added you to my Google Reader. I am not a mother yet but have 11 young nieces and nephews and work in an elementary school so I can relate on some level to the crazy things kids say and do!

  5. Oh, dear! That was hilarious! Taco body, taco body, taco body… I think I’ll teach that to my son! Thanks for sharing. What a great laugh!

  6. Love it. My little guy, 2, doesn’t have very many clear words yet and I’m his translater for even my husband but it is cute to catch him singing along and dancing to something when no ones watching.

  7. the ending… perfection!

  8. Bahahaha… Now that’s just plain funny!!!

  9. Ha ha! Priceless!

    My daughter used to replace ‘I predict a riot’ (Kaiser Chiefs) with ‘I’m a little rabbit’ and the words ‘do you still wait for me dream giver’ (Pocahontas) with ‘Do you still wait for me green gibbon’

  10. Now that I was able to watch the video, I’m so glad that darling motherhood moment was caught, if only as a reminder for all of us to go freshen up before we try to get our kids to participate in a dance party. Your reaction was priceless.

  11. You couldn’t script a moment more perfect than that.

    Thank you for the laugh. Fish Taco Body.

  12. I’m crying right now, that was seriously the funniest thing! Then he ran away and your reaction??? So priceless!! OMG! I can’t stop laughing!!!

  13. Great video. Isn’t the honesty of children wonderful?

  14. My new hero: Bucket Head. And The Bearded Rot Crotch. Bucket Head has perfect comedic timing. LOVE!

  15. I Ken Lee – if libbydibby douchoo

    When your crotch smells that bad it’s time to join the Nunnery I reckon…

    ps my boy sucked his thumb determindly against every attempt we ever made to get him to stop. Then one day – he stopped. Out of nowhere. They just have to want to it seems.

  16. Taco body! I love it!

    A good friend of mine thought the chorus that goes “Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight!” was “Do a little dance, sing a little song, get down tonight!” because her parents always sang it to her that way. Now we use other lyrics, like “hug a little tree” or “eat a little snack” every time we sing it.

    • This cracked me up! I vow to you, I will always make up new lyrics to that song every time I hear it, for the rest of my natural life. Here are some choices:
      – write a little list
      – scrub a little pot
      – bake a little cake
      – pet a little dog…

      Whoa…this is bringing me way too much pleasure. Thank you!

  17. Hilarious! Especially your face at the end…. I can always count on my kids for stuff like that as well!

  18. I never ever click “hey watch my cute kid videos” but something told me to watch this one. I’m glad I did. Your reaction at the end—I’m still crying from laughing so hard.

    You and Bucket Head look so much alike. You two are adorable together.

  19. So I had on a mud mask and about wet myself when Bucket Head informed you of your…umm….vag stink. My mask is now all cracked. God I love your blog. BTW…my 6 (almost) 7 year old still wears pullups to bed (did I mention he still and always has sleeps with us.) I’ll trade you the thumb sucking 4 year old.

    • Oh my gosh, a cracked mud mask! Fabulous!

      Bucket Head still wanders into our bed too. We are using a bed-wetting alarm though to help put an end to the bed wetting. It’s working! Email me if you want more info about it. I might write a post about it…it’s been a Godsend.

      • That sounds like a lot of work….a bed wetting alarm…in “a lot of work” I mean that it sounds like I have to wake up during the night (since he sleeps with us) and we can’t allow that. They make pullups through age 8, right?

        • Hey, they make pull-ups for ADULTS. But honestly, that’s not going to help him cure his bedwetting…it just makes the clean up easier for you.

          Trust me – I’ve been there. I have walked this path. I know how hard it is. My ONLY regret about buying an enuresis alarm (for one of my older children) is that I didn’t do it sooner. The only reason I started using it with Bucket Head this early is because I already had it in the house. But I’m SO glad I did. It is WORKING. He hasn’t had an accident in two weeks. AND, he is sleeping through the night better…in his own bed!

  20. Precious. Just precious. Ah kids, they tell it like it is. Thank you for sharing this. It was very big of you! I love your blog.

  21. So sweet even the you smell awful……I want to know that that sticky note stuck to the book says?? I so wish you lived next door!

  22. Gotta Love it…. ‘Funk’ & all…. lol

  23. Kris the Colts Fan

    February 20, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    I’d be more worried if he thought it smelled good. That’s all I’m sayin.

  24. that was so precious lol my childrn are grown and mothers now which makes me a gramma and I love it as much as I love bein a mom thanks for your share{s}

  25. What can I say Iris? FDS now stands for FUNKY Deodorant Spray! I advise u get some! 🙂

  26. Too bad you didn’t get the dance, but OHHHHHH, what a keeper! Show that one at his rehearsal dinner!!!

  27. Michaela Mitchell

    February 20, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    Yes my children have these moments and no, I never have my camera ready…but thanks to the power of Facebook, I quote some of their more adorable moments…

    Yeah, I’m never going to hear that song the same way, either…taco body, taco body, taco body…

    My oldest has one of those, too…there’s a Taio Cruz dance song and the chorus is “Hey-oh, gotta let go!” My darling says, “Eggo, got a Lego…” Well, we know what’s on HIS mind…

  28. I laughed so hard at Bucket Head’s parting line I inhaled my triscuits and cheese and almost choked to death!

  29. Your photos and videos are hilarious but you better not let the kids see them. Remember, they will someday choose your nursing home!

  30. HAHAHA!!! I swear if I hadn’t watched this with my own two beady little eyes I would have never believed it!

    Now I’m peeing!!!!

    I have nothing to say. Absolutely nothing. Other than I love you and Bucket Head and that’s even when you smell horrible!

    (But stay inside my monitor just in case it’s, you know….really bad.)

  31. Well, I will never sing Funky Town the same way now, either.

    Or think about ‘funky’ town the same way.

    Loved the vlog, Iris! (and your hair, I like your hair!)

  32. Bahahahaha.
    It happens. When I was “yay height” I always thought my mom’s crotch stunk too. It must be the cross that all midgets must bear.
    Wait, whut?

    • OMG. I can’t believe you 1.) remember that and 2.) casually mention your mother’s crotch rot. Now I am terrified about what my children will remember about me someday. It better not be THIS!

  33. LOL, hope he is not scarred for life! 🙂

  34. Best video ever! Maybe because I’m working on my second glass of wine, but still….

    Sorry about your ‘problem’, BTW. We all know, kids tell it like it is.

  35. Bwhahahaha! That is funny.

    And you are in good company… in funky town… I am not commenting about the stinky crotch part.

  36. OMG!!!! Stinky crotch!!!! Too damn funny!!!! Robin

  37. So now we can replace words in song titles with vagina too! Funky Vagina?

  38. Sorry about your funky “town”, good thing you are the mayor….

  39. I just literally spit my coffee out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Girl!!!!! Way to cute!!!!! A forever priceless moment!!

  40. Iris, once again you made me laugh out loud! I’m also singing “taco body, taco body!” That is so much more interesting! Perhaps you have a little songwriter on your hands, don’t you?

  41. Bahahahahahahaha. I love Buckethead. And you.

  42. this is incredible.

  43. LOL! Selective smelling, that’s what it’s all about. My son would have made a comment like that as well, yet he never seems to smell when he needs a shower…

  44. I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breath! I kid you not, your posts are the highlight of my week=)

  45. I’m never going to be comfortable with a little lap snuggle again. Ever.

  46. Taco body…best lyrics ever. And that video? Pure awesomeness.

  47. Oh, Iris, you slay me!!! Taco Body and you smell horrible??? Come on!!!

  48. AGH!!! Well, at least we can’t say we weren’t warned. So those trolls who didn’t like you bitching about an interfering old lady at the supermarket are FINE with this? Where are you when we need you, trolls????

    • Hahaha! I love that I can’t tell if your comment is funny or just mean. I looked at your blog and since we like some of the same bloggers (Sandra at Absolute Narcissism is one of my faves!), I’m going to assume the best. Thanks for reading. Peace be with you.

  49. I thought of you yesterday when my daughter told me out of the blue that I smell like puke. I think I’d rather smell like crotch. 🙂

  50. I have been trying to watch the full video of this for like, what, 24 hours? Feels like 3 days. But I didn’t want to watch it in front of the kids because frankly, I’m worn out over feminine hygiene issues. Had a used maxi pad in the washer and dryer incident yesterday. Also, jury duty cut into my “me” time today.
    So anyway, I took the laptop into the bathroom to watch it and with all of the yelling and chortling going on in the video, I had every member of my family at the door asking if I was okay. With the memorable quote, “Mom, you must be having SOME poop!” to top it all off.
    I hope I gave you a tenth of the entertainment that you gave me. 🙂 Ellen

    • Bwahaha! WAY MORE than just a tenth, Ellen! “Mom, you must be having SOME poop!” might be my new mantra. So glad it was worth all that work you had to go through to finally view it, and so sorry about the maxi pad in the dryer. I hate when that happens.

  51. OMG! I can’t stop laughing. I was cracking up while reading (and watching) and my husband was all like, “what? what’s so funny?” So of course, I had to read the post aloud to him and then let him watch the hilarious and adorable video. OMG. Seriously. Loved this. This is getting one of my yeah write votes this week FOR SURE.

    And this totally reminded me of the time we tried to recreate a precious moment from my cat Poe on camera. It didn’t really work out well either.

    Thanks for the laughs!!!

  52. I am totally in love with how cute you and your son are! That video was out of control funny and as everyone else is saying -“taco body, taco body, taco body…” there are no other words to that song now! Thank you for sharing this with us 🙂

  53. HAHAHAHAHAHA That vlog is the greatest thing ever!

  54. That is absolutely hysterical!! Oh my stars, that is brilliant. All of it.
    And yes, I am fully expecting ‘taco body, taco body, taco body’ to pop into my brain at random times from here on out. Thanks.

  55. Great, funny post! So glad I started my day with it. I think your little guy has a future as a lyricist. Taco body = brilliant.

  56. Well, now I know what I’m gonna be singing All Day Long

  57. First of all, the line “you thought your heart would pop right out of your chest and roll down the hallway?” totally got me. LOVE it. As for the video – I’m so mad but I can’t watch it….my computer has no sound for some reason. Argh. But I’m getting from the comments that he told you that you smelled?…4 year olds must make a habit of saying these things. I told my son I didn’t like his attitude yesterday and he told me he didn’t like my poop because it smelled. So there you go.

    Thanks for your seriously kind comment on my blog – coming from you that meant a LOT. I’m so happy I found you through Yeah Write! You bring the funky and the funny. 🙂

  58. Only YOU wouldn’t post this! Fucking awesome. And, I will always think of your crotch when I hear this. Poor Buckethead. He’s gonna hate this stuff when he’s older. 😉

  59. Next time you should get up and dance with him! We have always had dance parties in my family. On Christmas Eve, it went on for hours. Great exercise and great stress reliever. Plus, nobody cares that you’re not a good dancer. 😉

  60. LOVE IT. Esp the part about the mental record button. If only!

  61. I hate it when I don’t have the camera handy when my kids do something cute. And I loved how you kept pulling his thumb out of his mouth and made him laugh. I have a thumb sucker here too…he’s almost 6. I figure, he’ll quit when he’s good and ready 😉
    You’re a funny chic!

  62. “Taco body.” HA! OMG, that’s awesome. Those moments are precious, not just because they’re cute, but because I CAN’T WAIT to tell future girlfriends about this stuff. 🙂

  63. LMAO! Out of the mouths of babes, right?

    I wished I even owned a video camera when my son was little. There were a few moments I wish I could have captured. There are times I wish I had a camera when my niece and nephew are around because they are hilarious!

  64. well, so A) I’m in awe of what you can do with a video b/c I’m lucky if I’ve manage to stay focused on the thing I’m supposed to be recording. And B) things could be worse: what if he decided that your hoochie smelled like tacos? I mean, what if YOU were, in fact, the taco body?

  65. OMG. The crotch thing. Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. So glad you didn’t edit that out! Taco body taco body taco body.

  66. I just snorted coffee out of my nose. So. Funny. Aren’t kids so precious? With their honesty and their inhibitions and their willingness to say whatever pops into their little heads? *eye roll* I’m so glad to have found another vlog included in this week’s yeah write!!! 🙂

  67. As someone who possesses a “taco body”, I can relate to Bucket Head’s jam.

    Amazing video. If the next time you enter a room, he sings George Clinton’s “We Want the Funk”, you may want to consult your OB.

  68. Toco body? OMG and LOL!! Seriously so funny! I LOVE it when my son boogies. So fun. My daughter won’t do it anymore now that she’s 11. Party pooper.

  69. I was smiling like a fool as you explained how a parent feels when we come across our children acting out a dance or a song with no inhibitions.
    I could feel my heart explode!!
    And then I laughed out loud in the drs office as you described bucket heads take on the lyrics.
    Awesome.

  70. This. Is. The. Funniest. Damn. Post. I. Have. Ever. Read. Ever.
    I have never truly known the meaning of what it means to “LOL” – now I do.
    Soooo funny.
    PS: WTF were you listening to Funky Town for? What about K.C. and the Sunshine band?! PS: I’m out of town so wasn’t able to read all the posts before the vote. (-:

  71. I am dying. (Not really. Don’t worry.)

    But seriously? I had the same thing happen to me (being called out on my crotch) by my five-year-old nephew when I was staying at their house over Thanksgiving.

    It was morning, I was still in pajamas, hadn’t showered AND it was the most wonderful time of the month. (Besides Thanksgiving.)

    We were cuddling and he kept burying his head in my lap (which I tried repeatedly to stop but he was persistent) until he eventually pulled up and said “You stinky.”

    Only it wasn’t on camera. It was in front of my brother-in-law.
    Not sure which is worse…

  72. Love love the video! A few days ago while I was laying in the floor, my 3 year old threw herself on me and settled on my legs. She proceeded to snarl her nose and tell me I stink and I don’t smell like toothpaste. Guess my crotch breath doesn’t have the minty fresh scent she had expected. I’m like “Listen kid, you shove your head up my ass and you’re gonna smell ass.” Okay I didn’t say that. But I did tell her to shut her face and mind her business! lol Your video makes me feel slightly better about myself. 🙂

    • Minty fresh crotch breath!!! Hilarious. Listen kids, don’t be all up in our biscuits if you don’t want to smell our butter, that’s all we’re saying. Right?

  73. BWAHAAHAA! Funniest blog ever! It’s official you are my new favorite blogger – smells and all.

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