The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Muffins with Mommy, aka “Get a lock on your bedroom door.”

Yesterday was “Muffins with Mommy” at Bucket Head’s preschool.

There were muffins.

There were Mommies.

And there was a presentation in which the preschool teachers took turns reading aloud each child’s previously transcribed responses to the “My Wonderful Mommy” questionnaire.

The teachers swear there was no coaching and that they honored the children’s exact words.

Want to know a secret about my Mommy?

"Want to know a secret about my Mommy?"



The basic template for the questionnaire is something like this:

1.) My mother is the ______________ mother in the whole world.

2.) My mother can ______________ better than anyone else.

3.) She is also very good at ________________.

4.) My mother’s favorite thing in the whole world is ______________.

5.) My mother works very hard ______________.

6.) When my mother’s work is done, she likes to ________________.

7.) She looks especially nice when she wears her ________________.

As you can well imagine, this little activity is nothing short of a recipe for total heart-melting cuteness and/or utter humiliation.

Boy howdy, the moms sure did learn a lot about each other yesterday. And because I’m a giver, I’d like to share some of our secrets with you in the form of these darling cards I made especially for the occasion at - Gee, Timmy, I'm glad I don't have the only Mom in our class who is really good at forgetting stuff. - My Mommy likes to take lots of naps on the couch. - My Mommy is really skinny. She likes to exercise, drink special juice, and clean things. - Mom, how'd you get so darn good at doing those donkey kicks? - Your daughter is right. You DO look your best when you're not naked. - Sorry your kid told everyone at school that


So yeah. Teachers of young children know a lot more about us than we realize. Note to self: give extra special teacher gifts this year.

very nervously yours,


PS – Linking up with my peeps over at the Yeah Write community, my favorite one-stop-shop for the BEST posts of the week by 50 up and coming bloggers!


  1. Well….which one is yours?

    • Hahaha {nervous laugh}. Actually none. Bucket Head’s answers were surprisingly tame and boring. No reference to anything untoward. (I guess I’ve coached him well.)

      Actually he did say two really cute and true things:

      1.) My mother can organize our house better than anyone else.
      2.) My mother works very hard on her computer.

      Bless his heart!

  2. Me thinks you have too much time on your hands. Cards? Really?
    I’d be bribing the kid and the teacher.

  3. I’m sweating just thinking about some of the things my preschooler would be likely to come up with. Yesterday he walked up to me with a paper bag and said “you should put this with your grocery bags, Mom, ’cause it’s just the right size to hold your wine. “

  4. My daughter did a very similar project in Pre-K 4. Her answer to what my husband and I like to do with our kid free time was that we like to snuggle up really close in bed and then shut the door. I guess we should’ve just started with the door shut 😉

  5. In Kindergarten my son’s class made cards for Moms for Mother’s Day. My son drew a (large) picture on the back of me sitting at the table drinking a large glass of wine. The other kids probably drew rainbows and flowers. Awesome.

  6. LOVE it. I’m pretty sure my kid would be outing me for the naps on the couch. I have seen my future…

  7. I had a meeting with my daughter’s gifted teacher, principal and other teachers & made the mistake of thinking it would be ok to take my 4 year old son along. While I was speaking with the gifted teacher, all of a sudden the other 3 teachers and principal busted out laughing…literally nearly falling out of their chairs. I immediately started imagining all the horrid things he had said/done. He told the principal is she ate hot peppers it would make hair grow on her chest & demonstrated with crazy little motions what the apparently two foot long hair would like like spewing from his chest. Oh how I can’t wait until he starts school. I expect daily phone calls from the principal.

  8. Oh yes, I’m familiar with this format. My son who’s now 17 told his teacher at the age of 3, ” my mommy likes to play in bed with my daddy………..(leaning into the teacher for emphasis) naked! I could have died! She didn’t include it in the mommy booklet but did tell me what he said, she thought it was hilarious! I wanted to crawl into a hole and die, but not before I stopped at Home Depot and bought every door lock in the place!!

  9. Even when we don’t ask those preschoolers share all kinds of information about family life.

    Things I’ve heard in my classroom:

    Daddy sleeps naked cuz he doesn’t like underwear.

    Momma drank too much last night.

    Daddy wouldn’t let the cops in and tried to climb out the window. Now he’s in jail.

    Gramma says Daddy is lazy and should get a job or get out.

    We have mice.

    We have cockroaches.

    We all got lice.

    • OH LORD! You know, maybe THIS is why so many of my friends homeschool. It’s not about the education, it’s about the shame. 😉

      • I swear to you, that *is* one of the advantages. Of course, given that my kids wait until we’re out on a field trip and then try to “impress” the tour guide or security guard or whoever with interesting and dramatic revelations…well, at least I know I won’t be seeing those same people too dang often.

  10. I, being a preschool teacher, hear LOTS of fun facts too. I TRY to forget them all tho. I am a visual person.. and well… when little Jenny’s mom or dad comes for pickup and I’ve just learned all about them~ 😉 AWWWWWkward!!
    One day during free art, my sweet little angelic friend painted a picture of a boy peeing (very anatomically correct I might add!!)….. she only has a sister! GAHH!

    Love this post, Iris!!! I may need to start jotting some stuff down and exchanging info with you! lol

  11. Robbie got to my comment faster than I could read… as a teacher (taking a break to raise my own kid), I can tell you I knew WAY too much about my students’ family life. It does make for an interesting parent conference when you’re sitting there remembering all the things their kid told you about them. This one dad told me how disappointed he was that his kid wasn’t making adequate progress in reading, and I was thinking about how his kid told me, “When I take out a book, Daddy says I have to put it away and go to sleep fast. That’s when he has his friends over to drink the funny juice.” They don’t keep secrets…

    • I am speechless after that one.

      • Hey, at least you can make useful suggestions when you know things. In this case you could have asked the dad how much time the student spends reading each day at home and suggested that increasing that could really make a big difference.

  12. My kids have special persons day every year at school – which coincidentally is today and Thank God neither chose me this year!! But when my son was in second grade he did choose me… They all had to,write a little paper about their special person , so I started to proudly read my sons paper when I get to this line…”..after that, we go to Von’s to get super great wine.” OMG!! I was horrified! The teacher read this! She must not only think I’m a drunk, but I get my son drunk too!! I had to sit there for the rest of SP Day and be cheerful and happy when all I wanted to do was crawl out of the room and go home ( yes, to drown my mortification in my wine!) haha!! kids, gotta love them, right?

  13. I started to sweat as soon as I read the first sentence…..oh that’s right, Thank GOD my children are grown!

  14. This is one of those posts where I have to say, “Thank you, GOD, that my kids are too afraid of their father to say anything really horrid & embarassing at school.” But, besides that, I just have to tell Iris that Bucket Head has the BEST HAIR OF ANY PRESCHOOLER ALIVE. No, really. I have 3 daughters, and none of them have hair that cool. Love his awesome face-making abilities, too. Face it people, if the worst your kid can think of to say is that you enjoy “spending time” with your husband, and that you imbibe on occasion, aren’t those kids wonderfully blessed to have us???

    • Preach it, sister! And thank you for the Bucket Head hair compliment! I agree with you, his hair is fabulous! He get’s it from his Daddy. (Which means he’ll be bald by the time he’s 25.)

  15. I went through this torture at Matthew’s pre-school. Every single kid said “wine” was their mom’s favorite drink, we all LOVED to shop at Costco…and one even said that their Dad liked to take their Mom on dates to their bedroom!!! Oh holy hell!!!

  16. I always worried about that kind of thing happening, but I have no idea what my kids may have said! Scary!

  17. I love this! They are SO much smarter than we give them credit for.

  18. I can’t believe you posted this on the morning I went to my own “Muffins for Mom.” I’m starting to think the world is lacking originality. But I have found a reason to be grateful: ours is all about socializing and no questionnaires are filled out. I’m going to petition that our event be renamed, “Muffins Without Mortification.”
    Your someecards are Hilarious! I’m a little addicted to those things. I’m a little addicted to Pinterest, too. Excuse me while I get to work spreading your mirth over the interwebs. -Ellen

    • Oh, your Muffins Without Mortification sounds so much better than our party. You should have seen these poor mothers laughing so nervously. You could have cut the tension with a Remington Personal Groomer. “OH CRAP! WHAT DID LITTLE JOHNNY TELL HER?!”

  19. I love the picture of Buckethead- he is just the cutest thing ever!!!

  20. I always have to remind myself that my daughter is repeating things now so watch what I say.

    Glad Bucket Head melted your heart with his answers! xo

  21. Michaela Mitchell

    February 10, 2012 at 10:43 pm

    I now think I know why my oldest’s teacher never seems to look me in the eye when I attend school functions…what the HELL is he telling her?! I can only imagine…

    • Hahaha! Don’t jump to conclusions…she might just have poor eye contact skills! That, or your oldest told her about the big buzzing skin-colored flashlight in your nightstand.

  22. For mother’s day one year, Small told his preschool teacher that what he loved most about me was my “big waffles.” They put the quote on his homemade card and gave it to me with a smirk. (For the record, my waffles are so small they need padding. He was referring to the costco sized box of eggos I buy on a regular basis.) Love the cards you made!

  23. HAHA!! Mommy’s favorite thing to do is wrestle with Daddy!

    I’d die.

    (If I had kids. That said shit like that. And if I had a husband. That did shit like that.)

    I’m telling you…that little Bucket Head of yours is cute as a button. Dude’s gonna be a total hottie in a few years.

    (And no. That ain’t the ‘Creepy Old Lady’ coming out in me either.)

    Love, tutz…love.

  24. Oh my gosh. If I ever have kids I will refuse to let them participate in this. “My mommy is really good at using bad words.” “My mommy likes to call people twatwaffles.” “My mommy is a train-wreck.” I can only imagine…

  25. Our kindy classes do that, too, and the teacher posts the surveys in the hallway for everyone to see! Super duper fun when your kid reveals that you are best at eating and drinking a lot.

  26. All I can say is…. YIKES!

  27. HA! Feeling really good about the fact that my cats (who are presently my only kids) do not have the power of speech. Now someone figures how to teach cats to talk and THEN we have a problem.

    Thanks again for visiting and for your thoughtful comment on my blog!

  28. Are you sure these questionnaires don’t get turned into Child Protective Services?

  29. My daughter did the whole “My mom’s favorite thing is….. ” and answered “BEER”. Nice. But, my favorite was when my oldest had to write stories in 1st grade. Starts as a “seed story” and “grows”… fun. Well, she picked SIBLINGS as her topic. The teacher actually emailed me beforehand and suggested I NOT bring her younger sister… you know that’s a bad sign – and it was even worse when we were there. It was 20 pages of how her sister was spoiled, acts like a brat but Mom & Dad just give her what she wants anyhow, how sometimes they are fun but not so much when you don’t play the games they want because they just scream and hit you… you get the picture. We left with our heads hung low… Not our proudest parenting moment!!

    • Oh my God, you poor thing! Thank goodness the teacher emailed you and told you not to bring her sister! Listen honey, don’t feel too bad; every single one of those other moms was sitting there thanking their lucky stars that their kid didn’t sell them down the river. You are NOT alone. ALL siblings fight. My oldest wants to sleep over at his BFF’s house EVERY weekend just so he can “get some relief” from his “idiotic siblings,” (his exact words). Nice.

  30. That is fantastic!!

    Which one of those was from YOUR kid?

  31. While they were discussing new vocabulary, my niece told her teacher (very proudly) that she knew what “lingerie” was.

    The teacher smiled and said, “Really?”

    To which my niece replied, “It’s a sex dress!”

    (And really. It WAS my niece not my own kids. Although Jack and Karly have been spotted running around wearing handcuffs from Mommy’s nightstand. So. I won’t win any Puritan Awards this year. Or ever,)

    Anyway, you knock my socks off, lady.
    Or my sex dresses. Or handcuffs.

    Take your pick. It’s almost Valentine’s Day.

  32. Hilarious post! Thanks for swinging by my blog and happy Yeah Write!

  33. The first one? Totally me. And LOL at “likes to drink special juice.”

  34. I’m SO glad we don’t have this at our school, because I’m SURE Ella would rat me out in every way! I shudder to think!
    I LOVED this post and your sense of humor is spot-on.

  35. Is homeschooling hard? Because I’m considering it.

    Bucket Head is so cute!

  36. I used to teach Kindergarten and we would do an exercise like this every Mother’s day. The best was the kid who in response to mom’s favorite drink was “WINE! LOTS of red wine!” with the most perfect maniacally laugh.
    Gotta love kids!

  37. Hahahahaha!!! Oh my gosh…if they did this at my kids’ school, I can only imagine the deep dark secrets that would come out!
    This is hilarious 🙂

  38. OH MY the secrets teachers know about parents…..hilarious, glad your little guy was tame – I hope he got an extra muffin for that 🙂

  39. I now know why the teachers always look at me askance. They have leaned on my kids and they spilled it all. Funny!–Erin

  40. LOL. Love it. If the school has not called you in for a parent-teacher interview yet, you’re probably fine 😉

  41. My friend Bridget got “my mommy likes to watch the weather channel.” Because nothing says scintillating and highly educated like a woman who likes to watch tv about rain.

  42. Ohhh how I love me someecards! Thanks for the giggle.

  43. I LOVE someecards! Out of the one’s you chose I think my fav is the one about taking naps!

  44. Shannon from mynewfavoriteday

    February 16, 2012 at 11:52 pm

    All I am thinking is that this is amazing and thank god my children can’t speak in full sentences yet. Bucket Head is awesome:)

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