The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

I get why some species eat their young: a tribute to WTF Tapas.

My fiesty friend Allison over at Motherhood, WTF? has a fabulous regular feature she calls WTF Tapas. It’s where she shares little snippets of the crazy funny shit her kids do and say that aren’t really big enough for individual blog posts. It’s brilliant. Do yourself a favor and check her out if you haven’t already (the links are at the end of this post).

We’ve had a lot of such moments over here in Beardsville lately so I thought I’d give Allison’s clever model a go. Incidentally, and I think Allison will appreciate this, most of my recent “Tapas” reflect those special parenting moments that make a mother look longingly at her spawn and think, “Maybe wolf spiders and hamsters are onto something.”

May I now present: Bearded WTF Tapas.*

*Not to be confused with Bearded WTF Tacos. That’s a whole ‘nother story. Feel free to  help me come up with a better name that’s less vagina-centric. ‘Preciate it.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Bucket Head (4 year old son): “I wish I could touch a dinosaur.”

Me: “Oh yeah? What do you think a dinosaur would feel like?”

Bucket Head: “Kinda like your arm.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Nature Boy (12 year old son): “Mom, (giggle giggle)…you totally have a muffin top.”

Me: “Haters gonna hate.”

Nature Boy: “And potatoes gonna potate. Maybe you should do some sit ups.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Me: “You know, Bucket Head, if you ever get lost, honey, you should look for a nice friendly Mommy that you can ask for help. A nice Mommy will help you find me, okay?”

Bucket Head: “Otay. (sic) Or I could find a friendly animal and ride him back to you.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Mini-Me (9 year old daughter): “Mommy, don’t take this the wrong way, because I’m TOTALLY grateful for all the things Santa brought me this year, but…well…Kelsey and Rachel got some really cool stuff for Christmas.”

Me: (deep breath, trying to suppress my rage) “I’m totally taking that the wrong way. You got EVERYTHING you asked for…EVER-Y-THING. Next year, do a better job asking for what you want.” (Then I’m pretty sure I made the “Mmmm-hmmm” face, wagged my pointer finger in the air, turned on my heel, and muttered “Bitch” under my breath. Awesome.)

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Mini-Me: “Mom, do you like that sweater?” (Pointing to the new Christmas present I was wearing that my mom actually bought for me in Ireland.)

Me: “Yes. Why, don’t you?”

Mini-Me: “Well…it’s just that…it’s so…Momish.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Bucket Head (furious with his big sister Mini-Me): “I HATE YOU! I’m going to fart on your penis, you POOP HEAD!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Okay, I don’t want to end on a violent note, so here are two silly ones:

Bucket Head: “Please can I buy this cool Spectifyer?”

Me: “What? What’s a Spectifyer?”

Bucket Head: “This!” (pointing to a Pez Dispenser)

(You can read more about Bucket Head’s Speech Impairment here.) 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Nature Boy (at the Christmas Tree Farm): “I wonder, is that a horse or a pony?”

Bucket Head: “It’s a horse. Ponies live in the sky and they have rainbows and horns on their heads.”

(I have no idea where he got that.  *cough cough* He’s obviously confused…)

(and/or watches WAY TOO MUCH TELEVISION)

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Yeah, if they weren’t so cute, I’d definitely eat them. No question.

[DISCLAIMER: Human cannibalism is a crime punishable by law. The Bearded Iris does not endorse consuming children.]

Thanks again to Allison at Motherhood, WTF? for the WTF Tapas inspiration!

Keep it classy,

-Iris

© Copyright 2012, The Bearded Iris. All rights reserved. Don’t be a poop head or Bucket Head will fart on your penis, whether you have one or not.

42 Comments

  1. Kristen Kotrlik

    January 11, 2012 at 8:28 am

    Plus, if you cook them, it’s just more shit you have to wash.

    I’ve often thought of bringing them to the dirt mall and seeing if I can trade them for some baseball cards.

  2. Love your tapas. Thankfully you put that disclaimer on the end. Wouldn’t want to wind up in a lawsuit. Don’t kids make you feel so lovely? Today my 2 year old asked if I have a baby in my belly. She didn’t know what she was talking about. She just heard her 4 year old brother ask that the other day so she was copying him. Ugh.

    • What goes around comes around…I remember being a teenager and telling my mom things like “You mean having babies gives you leg veins like that? Ew! I’m totally adopting.” Sure wish I had remembered that before that rockin’ New Year’s Eve party in 1998.

  3. Wait, are you saying ponies don’t live in the sky? ‘Cause I refuse to believe I’ve been lied to on this.

    • Well I really don’t know…I’m more of a dog/cat girl myself. But if you believe the Gospel According to Bucket Head, ponies definitely live in the sky. He’s pretty accurate about most things…except Spectifyers.

  4. Oh my gosh, do situps. Kids really stay this stuff? I got a lot to prepare for! Or maybe one can never be prepared…

  5. Well having only 3 daughters, I have one who once told me my fat did not look “real” (well that’s what a stomach looks like after birthing 3 humungous children including the one who said it I birthed breech)! And she was an adult, like at least 25 when she said it! I almost had my muffin top gone when I got sick before Christmas, and it’s back. Funny how getting sick made me gain weight, but when you have the metabolism of a slug, it doesn’t take much.

    PS I cannot post a comment to save my life over at that other site, but I am a bad Catholic when it comes to Christmas. I want everything gone and put away on December 26th, no not because I have OCD, but because I need to have it a little bit.

    Catholishly yours,
    Allysgrandma

  6. I’ll share one of my favorites:
    We are in the toy store.
    Mini-me (age 3/4) Mom- i have a Woody. I’ve always wanted a Woody. But this is MY Woody, when brother is older he can have his own.

    Damn you Toy Story and your innapropriate character names!
    Thank God the store was practically empty.

    • My 3-year-old daughter was playing the part of a moose in a finger puppet play during the children’s story during a Sunday service at my parents’ church. The minister, as another finger puppet, asked what her puppet’s name was. Referencing the moose’s antlers, she said loudly, “Hi, I’m Horny!” The minister got the giggles and could hardly finish the story.

  7. my 4 year old daughter said, “mom, you have pretty teeth -like daffodils–yellow and white!” sigh. glad to hear someone else’s kids keep it real for their mom–thanks for sharing 🙂

    • So awesome. WTF?!

      One time my daughter said “Mom, my teacher looks just like you! She has brown hair and glasses, only she’s really pretty and doesn’t have pimples and moles.”

  8. OK, send me your finest ‘tapas’ for a post m’kay …
    My girlfriend once asked her oldest if she used a certain hair color would she look like Britney Spears … adorable offspring said ‘Oh silly Mommy, she’s pretty’

  9. This is friggin hilarious. Thank god my 2 year old doesnt notice my muffin top yet…or at least doesnt voice her opinion on it. She did however ask me if she could take off her “bitches” (britches) last night.

  10. My middle child (4 at the time)got really frustrated with his
    older brother (7 at the time) and the worst thing he could
    think to shout at him was,”yeah, well your
    feet stink and you poop in your pants!!”. That still
    cracks us up 3 years later.

  11. You absolutely kill me! My husband is out of town and all three kids are full on revolting against me, the worst of them is my 5 month old who apparently no longer needs nighttime sleep.
    I fired up the coffee maker and sat down to this blog post. Just what I needed!!!!!

    • MMMmmm, coffee. Bucket Head kicked my sore PMS boobies all night long (still sneaking into my bed) and I’m beat today. I’ll join you for a virtual cup o’ joe! (SLURP!)

  12. Hilarious! I have dinosaur arms, too. This was one of my favorite posts of yours & it almost didn’t have any penises (peni?) in it. Almost.

  13. You’re such a good mother…you listened to your kids long enough to write this stuff down. I’m typing this as my oldest is asking me…well, he’s asking me something, but I’m not sure what ’cause I like reading you more better! Plus you said vagina.

  14. That is awesome!

  15. Oh, dear God!!

    From The Bearded WTF Tacos on…I could barely read!

    And now all this laughing has my coughing going again! I can’t win for losing.

    Love it!

  16. I can’t believe Nature Boy told you you have a muffin top – that’s right up there with me telling my mom she looks like Miss Piggy when I was 6. My little one isn’t talking yet (not sure if that is a good or bad thing), but I am sure I will have WTF Tapas to post in the foreseeable future.

    As usual another hilarious post.

    -Meg AKA the Snapping Turtle Goddess

  17. I think my favorite part of that was “Next year, do a better job asking for what you want.” Seriously, kids are awesome… when they aren’t yours. I just threaten to ship my kids to Kristen K’s.

    • Oooh, that child pissed me off that day. It’s not my problem she asked for cheap spy toys from Target instead of big ticket electronics like her savvy rich friends. Der!

      Damn I wish you and Kristen were my neighbors.

  18. Weird! It didn’t show it posted, so I started to delete it and it posted it again. Maybe it’s because my kids have a snow day and I’m drunk.

  19. So funny Iris. I tell ya. Those sons of ours. My daughter’s penis has been getting a real beating (and a lot of poop on it) from my son. It’s always his first plan of attack if her long hair isn’t available.

    Anne xx

  20. “Next year, do a better job asking for what you want.” Are you sure you’re not me when I’m not watching? Because that is EXACTLY the kind of thing that would come out of my mouth. Snap!

  21. “and potatoes gonna potate”
    THAT is genius!
    Seriously! I enjoy the clever things that your children say. I believe you are doing a grande job at teaching them the appropriate use of sarcasm and insult.
    Also?
    I tell my daughter repeatedly that the reasons mommy’s kiss their babies so much is sot that they don’t eat them.
    I realize now that it might not be the right thing to say.
    huh.

  22. My favorite part of this entire post was the disclaimer at the end. haha At first, I was shocked that you were openly promoting cannibalism on your blog 😉

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