The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

I can’t quit you, Pinterest.

Oh Pinterest, how you tease me with your visual harlotry.

You make everything look so pretty, and easy, and attainable.

But you lie. And you torment me.

Oh sure, there have been a few fleeting moments of success.
Like the time I discovered the best broccoli recipe ever.*

And Bucket Head sure does enjoy the magnet board I put in his room.

And when I saw that I could make an igloo out of recycled milk jugs,
I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Because I’m a freak like that.

But my anal-retentive husband threw away the first milk jug before it had even dried.

Giant milk jug igloo, you will never be mine.

People like me have no business getting inspired to make stuff. It is dangerous.

I should probably just stick with recipes and gardening and funny stuff.

And I really need to remember that you can’t believe everything you pin. 

Because those bacon pancakes?



in a word?


Unless you actually WANT a gigantic vertical-bacon-enhanced vulva. Then, yay!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to step away from the computer
and get some actual fresh air into my lungs today.

Or I could just sit here and pin some breathtaking outdoor scenes.

Damn you, Pinterest.


*That broccoli recipe? I adore it. But my husband and kids do NOT.
And you know what that means?…more for me.

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.


  1. Hilarious!!!! I completely agree ….

  2. Anne-Marie Carlson

    December 28, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    So true! I’m new to Pinterest and it’s addictive. But you left out the part about how it makes you scour the internet looking for things to Pin. Damn that “Pin It” button.

  3. While I have an account I have never explored this Pinterest. I do not have time. It is hard work being a Famous SpokesGoat and with all I have to do I can’t spend my time at the computer.

    Are there apples there? I like apples……

  4. As a male reader, I must confess: That pancake looks Freudelicious to me.

    • Well thank God you are here to confirm my suspicions that I am trapped in the poo-poo-pee-pee stage of development. I’m going to seek therapy for it, as soon as I’m done crafting this new batch of fake turd Christmas ornaments.

  5. You have the best luck with vulva food.

  6. Hi, My name is The Queen, and I’m a Pinaholic. I’ve been pinning roughly for over a year and I have attempted maybe 3 or 4 craft pins and every single one has failed. EVERY SINGLE ONE. Yet, I continue to pin.

    Personally I think Pinterest is imaginary. It’s all perfect in our minds (and on our boards) but nothing ever turns out that perfect.

    I pin things for my imaginary house, and my imaginary children. I’m such a sicko.

    I even have a pin board dedicated to Pinterest. How weird is that?

    Off to go pin some more. HELP!

  7. I’m not sure which is worse. Trying and failing at Pinterest crafts, or just pinning and pinning and pinning and never actually trying a thing. Which may be what I do.

  8. That is almost down right pornographic.

    And I think I love it.

    Not the actual vulva. The pancake you made into a vulva.

    I just got on Pinterest maybe 2 weeks ago. I’m still not sure I’m even spelling it right. But I can confirm it has crack in it.

    I’ll be following you there and here now.

  9. there’s maybe 3 things on my pin board. I have a short attention span. However, I might put your bacon pancake on it, next to your vulva candies.

  10. Omg. Pin-tit-twist is like my pusher for recipes. Oreo cookie truffles is my drug of choice. Look those bitches up. Next to your ” Mommy-got-ripped-a-new-one flappyjacks. I can’t quit you.

  11. That is all sorts of wrong. Hysterical!

  12. Hey, I didn’t even know you were on pinterest now – it’s been my addiction since I haven’t been blogging as much – although I do have a new blog now. I’m heading over to check out your pinboards! Hope you had an excellent Christmas. Here’s to a Happy New Year ::Cheers:: 🙂

  13. I just recently got the invite to Pinterest, but I’ve done nothing with it yet. I’m afraid of the addiction, because CLEARLY, I need one more thing to distract me from living life outside of the world wide web.

  14. Excuse me?
    Bacon pancakes?
    Um yes please.
    I’ll take a platter and eat them inside my milk carton igloo

  15. Milk jug igloo? You have to be friggin kidding me. Who has time for that shit? OK I know someone who would totally do that, but then there better be some recycling of those jugs. HA. I haven’t said jugs in weeks! 🙂

    • Jugs! (giggle giggle giggle) I’m so glad you weren’t at church with me on Saturday night for Bingo. Every time they called out O-69 I burst into hysterics. On second thought, think we can find a Bingo hall in Dayton?

  16. This is so me, I blame Pinterest for all my Christmas fails. I pinned all these stupid ideas for making gifts, bows, my own wrapping paper and apparently you have to have a crafty bone in your body BEFORE you do these things. Maybe I’ll create a pin about wrapping things in garbage bags and finding the shortest drive thru line.

  17. Ha!!! Bacon pancakes!! I LOVE bacon… but… hrmmm. Even I don’t know about bacon-vulva pancakes. I just got on Pinterest this week, and when I did I knew that it would cause problems at home because I will drive everyone crazy with my nose in it all the time! I just love pretending that all those beautiful, picked-up rooms in the photo are mine. 🙂

  18. My computer has been down for 3 days. Now I have wireless since I upgraded to U-verse. And I was excited because I can now use DH’s laptop (that he only uses quarterly to do spreadsheets) while I watch TV at the same time. Pinning and watching TV….I call that multi-tasking!!

    I don’t find I need to repin that much, I just follow creative people like that person. I love everything about her pin board.

    PS My sister and I used to put bacon in waffles, but chopped up so you didn’t get the vulva problem. Try that sweetie! Happy New Year!

  19. I’m recovering from holiday travel (like a hangover, but without the fun alcohol side effects). And here I come, waltzing into your bacon-flapjackgina.

    I’ve missed you!

  20. BlogHer suggested I come over and read this article.

    Little did I know… Certainly didn’t expect vulva pancakes. BRILLIANT.

    As for Pinterest, it’s like crack for the crafty.

  21. I think one of the etiquette ‘rules’ ought to ban the use of the word ‘cute’. What some people find cute is astounding. Like all those cards and journal pages that just pile stuff on top of other stuff and think it’s art. I’m sure someday I’m going to find a kitchen sink on one. Have you ever seen anyone on Christmas morning spending time to notice how their present is wrapped?

    I had tears of laughter rolling down my cheeks reading all of this. You go girl — go make that igloo.

  22. I died laughing. The bacon pancakes…I love it. Your post is spot on how I feel. 🙂

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