The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Pushy Preschool Paparazzi and The Power of Prayer

T’is the season for school parties and pageants. Or as I like to call them, Court Ordered Anger Management Practice Scenarios.

I have things to do, folks. Why must I be forced to change out of my flannel pajayjays and mingle with these people?

For all my complaining, I actually couldn’t wait to see Bucket Head in his little Indian costume at the Preschool Thanksgiving Feast singing the very un-PC songs he’d been practicing for weeks.

I got there early and found my assigned seat at a table full of very busily texting parents.

{Sigh.}

Oh look! Here he comes!

Me: “Hey Bucket Head! Pssssst. Over here! Right here honey! SMILE FOR MOMMY!

Him: “Shhhhhhhhhh”

What a good boy, shushing his loud Mama like that. Check out the ‘fro spilling forth from his headband! He kinda looks like a young Greg Brady when he went through that beaded-curtain-hanging-in-the-groovy-attic-doorway phase, doesn’t he? (Back off, Florence Skankerson. He’s only four.)

I snapped a few more (blurry) pics while the children were silently guided past me toward the “stage” (a bare patch of floor in front of the buffet table). And by the time I turned around to face the kids, it was too late. All the other parents had pounced onto ALL the good spots for photographing their ridiculously adorable offspring.

Oh. My. GOD.

Really? This is my view?

Oh HAYLE no. This is my last baby y’all. I’mma just have to move.

So I bobbed to the left:

Crap. Can’t see my kid.

Let me try the other side…

Seriously?

All I can see is his lone little feather framed by a sea of Stay-at-Home-Ass. This will not do.

Maybe if I just stand up on a chair…

Dammit! He’s in the back row, totally obscured by feathers. Where is the justice?

I still can’t get a clear shot of my kid.

I could feel my temper starting to rise.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. “Do not cause a scene,” I repeated in my head.

Fearing the worst, I began to pray.

“Dear Heavenly Father, have mercy. Please…help me to not lose my shit and embarrass myself or my child!

Oh, and God? If you could find it in your heart to part the crowd like you did for Moses with that whole Red Sea thing and let me get ONE good shot of my kid…I’d really appreciate it. Tell you what, one good shot and I’ll cut back on the cussing. Please God. Help a sister out. Amen.”

Ladies and gentlemen, I now present: the power of prayer…

Fuck.

I guess I should have been more specific, God.

Oh well. Pick a winner, honey.

Two more weeks ’till the Christmas party. I’m going to bring a ladder, a telephoto lens, some pepper spray, and a flask. Wanna come?

-Iris

22 Comments

  1. OH my freaking muffin top, I think I just pee peed my pantalones a little. THat is TOO funny….a lone little feather behind a lot of stay at home ass? That right there is awesomeness.

    I’d so be in on that flask with you, btw. It’s not a sin to drink in church is it???

  2. Stay at home ass.

    Oh my gosh.

  3. You can borrow my taser. Tonto needs his picture made.

  4. Of course he is. Bless his heart. And this season I am thankful my child was not the only one to pick his nose on camera. Except he’s 22…sigh.

  5. That was awesome! LMAO!!!!!

  6. I love your honesty! I see myself in this post a hundred times over – I sometimes have a hard time being quiet! People suck! Do those parents give a shit about anyone else? NOPE! Idiots!

  7. Peepants all around again, my friend.

  8. You should have taken out that chick in the fur vest, that’s more un-PC than the little Indian…oops Native American, songs the kids were singing.

  9. I think the performance would have been much improved with a goat.
    I could have butt those stay at homes out of the way for you.
    I do eat a lot of green things but I do draw the line……

  10. That is simply awesome! That Bucket Head, he never lets you down. This reminds me of the Golden Rule: you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can’t pick your friend’s nose. Amen.

  11. I can’t tell you how many times people just step right infront of my husband and I at like events. “Yes, please step right infront of me. I didn’t come here to sit in this crappy folding chair to see my child. I came just to see your ASS!”. I wish I had the balls to say that out loud but like you I figured a school function isn’t the best place.

  12. I can’t believe that you just named my *ss.
    Crap.

    and now off to read about American fanny’s you dirty girl …

  13. For once in my life I’m speechless! Everyone else’s comments took the words right out of my mouth!

  14. hahaha Stay-At-Home-Ass is now added to my vernacular. Thank you.

  15. I love this. He never disappoints. 🙂

  16. I find picking my nose more interesting than preschool plays too.

  17. LAWDY LAWD! You, my cyberfriend, are DIPPED IN FREAKIN AWESOME SAUCE!!!!! I guffawed so loudly my snowflakes came running in to make sure I was ok and hadn’t magically turned into a braying donkey. “No, no cherrin, everything’s fine, Mama’s just readin Iris, again…”

    • Oh Lea – that is HILARIOUS! “No, no cherrin, everything’s fine, Mama’s just readin Iris, again…” I frickin’ love that! Thanks for the fabulous comment!

  18. Well said! And I make deals with God all the time, sadly they rarely work out.

  19. I am one of those blog lurkers who subscribes blogs and never leaves comments, but loves the awesome humor of others (you) who are able to articulate what I am thinking. The following comment, “…a sea of stay-at-home ass”, made me laugh so hard, though, I just had to say something. Thanks for the giggle fit.

  20. I love this! I love your blog. You always make me laugh tears. For the record, you are WAY funnier than the snarky gal you’re racing at circle of moms. I enjoy her and follow her blog, but YOU, Iris, are TRULY the funniest. I’ve voted for you every day. Just you :). It ain’t over yet, so good luck! And a Happy Birthday to Buckethead!

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