The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

WTF Wednesday – Parking Lot Pariahs

I’ve tried Wordless Wednesday. Pretty tough gig when your passion is words.

I’ve also tried What I Wore Wednesday. Those may have been my four least favorite blog posts ever.

So rather than continuing to force my stubbly square peg into round, perfectly coiffed holes, I’m making an executive decision to dedicate this Wednesday to something I’m actually good at: shaking my head, raising my hands in despair, and saying WHAT THE FUCK! 

Yes, my friends, it’s officially known as WTF Wednesday. And unlike the word “vajillion,” I did not invent it.

For those of you ESL readers of The Bearded Iris, WTF is an expression people use to succinctly express a combination of utter disbelief and disgust. Mothers of young children are particularly familiar with this feeling, especially upon the discovery of bodily excretions in odd places like walls, ceilings, or door handles.

I probably mutter/sigh/shout/sob this glorious phrase several times each day, so the challenge for me will be to pinpoint and highlight just one mindboggling topic each week.

This week, my most profound WTF experience was a no brainer:

Say it with me, friends: WHAT. THE. FUCK!

I know what you’re thinking: Iris is going to get her ass killed one of these days taking pictures of cars and bad drivers.

Maybe so. But totally worth it. This is precisely the kind of crap that pushes me over the edge. If I don’t do SOMETHING about it, I will most likely explode. And like my husband says, “At least she’s not keying cars anymore.”

I took this shot last week at my daughter’s overcrowded elementary school, where parking is always at a premium. And I’ll have you know this car is nowhere near the entrance to the school, so don’t get all compassionate on me and give this d-bag the benefit of the doubt. Chances are pretty good the driver was not racing to administer an EpiPen to a child in advanced stages of anaphylactic shock.

And I can’t imagine the driver of this vehicle is strategically trying to protect the sides of her Armada by purposely taking up two parking spots. If it was a vintage cherry Mustang, that would be one thing. But a late model Japanese SUV? Don’t think so.

Nope. This is just vehicular inconsideration at its finest.

Was he in *that* much of a hurry to volunteer in little Johnny’s classroom that he couldn’t take 30 extra seconds to straighten out his parking job? If he’s two minutes late will the kids in that class miss their opportunity to make 3-D topographic maps of the state of Georgia out of candy and marshmallow dough? Don’t get me started.

This level of inconsideration is deplorable to me. And in a public parking lot where everyone can see and take pictures and slash your tires? Dumb ass.

And I see it all the time.

Earlier this week at my daughter’s dance school:

Are you effin’ kidding me?

This parking lot is so small and crowded that people regularly have to park up the street and walk across a weedy meadow to get to the school. But this lady is going to prevent an additional car from parking here, in the RAIN? Really? She’s lucky Bucket Head was asleep because I was *this close* to cramming my big ass Mombulance into that spot and swinging open my door over and over and over. Can’t you just hear me: “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry! I couldn’t get out. I guess you didn’t realize it, but there are handicap spots closer to the front door for folks with special needs, bless your heart!”

Twat waffle.

I don’t know who died and made me the head of the Brigade Against Asshole Drivers (BAAD), but what’s done is done. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to vent about it.

Clearly, dealing with such inconsideration on such a regular basis is enough to cause any decent citizen to hit the crack pipe. But instead of letting these idiots get me down, I’m going to find a more constructive way of managing my stress.

We are in the process of (slowly) remodeling our master bathroom and I wonder if there is a special shower head like this fab little Monoglide that can soothe away my road-rage-induced stress. Perhaps Professor Toilet can help. And if not, maybe I can borrow his sick-ass wrench to leave a little hello-howdy on the next poorly parked car I see.

Just keeping it real, one parking lot at a time,

-Iris

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.
All rights reserved.

59 Comments

  1. Ha ha ha ha! Can you hear me snorting & chortling from Kansas, Iris? This was a really good one. Yes, very VERY much better than WIWW (or, as I like to call it, “Make me feel like hanging myself Wednesday”). I am NOT a great driver, but I DO NOT take up 2 parking spaces… that is just supreme disregard for your fellow frazzled parents in their ginormous kid-wagons. So very funny to know that those of us who follow the rules are all deeply annoyed by those of you who don’t. Like my favorite bumper sticker says, “Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.”

  2. Iris! I will have to share a group with you from Facebook. It’s a California-based group (based on the license plates and the fact that I was shown the group from my “about-to-be” sister-in-law, who is from Cali. Here ya go!

    http://www.facebook.com/groups/assholeparkingjobs/

    Love ya girl! Keep on keeping it real!

  3. Twat waffle?
    Oh, me luvs you.

    Dude, you are singing my song. Parking lots in the Northeast suck arse–often old, with too small spots for today’s cars. So parking is so often at a premium so when peeps do stuff like that I too become enraged. I’m totally afraid I might go all Irish Whisperer and (as quietly as possible) kick someone’s rear fender with my hulking leopard print clogs one of ‘dese days. They’d so having it coming. THe very height of thoughtlessness I tell you!

  4. OMG this is effing fantastic! I’m so with you. I have pulled into tiny spaces next to the drivers side (when they park like assholes) to keep them from being able to get in. “Oh, so sorry! Did you park like a douche and have a hard time getting into your car?”

    And twat waffle is fanfuckingtastic! I must work that into conversation today.

  5. Just added you to the group (I think). Let me know if it works like it’s s’posta!

  6. Kristen Kotrlik

    October 19, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    Apparently parking like an asshole is not a regional thing. I’ve decided to make business cards up with the number of a local driving school and a note that says “See if they can help with your poor parking skills, asshole.” It’s a little better than kicking the car or writing in the dirt on the door. (I’ve done both.)

    Nice use of Twat Waffle, BTW.

  7. Great post today! I think that WTF Wednesday’s are going to be great. I loved the “bless your heart” part. I can see you saying that. I think that Kristen has a great idea with the business cards. I think you can put a great Iris spin on yours. Thanks for the great laugh today.

  8. There are a couple of websites where people post pictures of offenders:
    http://youparklikeanasshole.com/ This one is my favorite. You can even print out citations to leave. The gallery is full of jaw dropping examples.

    http://youparkedlikeajackass.com/

  9. Love it! It’s always good to try new things, like Wordless Wednesday and WIWWs, but this is SO much better a fit for you…and SO much funnier and more entertaining.

    And inconsiderate dumbasses who drive cars bigger than they know how to park deserve to have doors opened in to their cars. That seems like a natural consequence for their actions to me.

    (Twat waffle! Huh huh huh huh.)

  10. I am all on board with the “WTF Wednesdays”. And yes, those drivers should be ridiculed on the blogosphere. I’m impressed that you blur out their plates. You are so nice in your rage!

  11. IRIS, THANK YOU!!!
    Just this weekend I took my mother who most recently fell and broke her hip so she is not exactly fun to maneuver around anyway with me to a wedding several hours from home and on the way home the next day she wanted to stop and have lunch, well when I pulled in there was some ASSHOLE in an older pickup not only taking up the only two front two parking spaces but DIAGONALLY parked as if his bright shiny 2001 Chevy pickup was on display at an overpriced used car lot!! Much to my own dismay my 71 year old mother looks over and says “what kind of fucked up asshole parks like that, you should go key his car on principle!!” (Mind you my mother NEVER swears and usually doesn’t complain about ANYTHING!! – so it did make me laugh)
    Anyway, long story short I am on the hunt for these parking ticket things that they used to sell at Spencer Gifts, basically they are gag tickets that say in so many words, you are a loser and need to learn how to park…
    Thanks again for the laugh and let this be a lesson to me that I should start taking pictures of these horrific parking jobs when I see them so I too can post an humiliate the jackwagons that continue to park like that!!

  12. Iris, I am SO with you girl! My mom is in a nursing home that I visit twice a day. There is an area out in front of the main door where there are patio tables and chairs (under an overhang) where residents and visitors can sit and enjoy the outdoors. HOWEVER!! The SAME two cars park DIRECTLY in front of this area whenever they are there. instead of taking places available a little farther away. there are no “parking spaces” at this location, you just park along the side of the drive that runs in a “U” shape from the road. So, instead of sitting and enjoying the country view…….we enjoy the view of a white Buick Rainier (ladidah) and some kind of blue POS. THANKS GUYS!!!

  13. I like the WTF Wednesdays. It makes me giggle. (partially because anytime anyone says WTF I think back to the 80ish year old lady in one of the nursing homes that I visited saying WTF…I picture her face…it was great!)
    Anyway, I hate when idiots park like that. I mean I understand if you have a super expensive car and don’t want to get door dinged I get it, but still don’t park as close to the door as possible. But in 98% of the cases where the car is taking up two spaces it’s simply because the moron doesn’t know how to park their car.

  14. Last week while meeting friends for lunch I pulled into a parking space and was promptly “honked” at by the fool next to me who was flailing his arms and pointing at my car. I rolled down my drivers side window…well, I pushed a button, and looked out my side where I immediately saw I was parked properly. Since I was meeting church peeps for lunch and didn’t feel right swearing at the idiot waving and yelling from inside his car, I moved my car. As I got out I looked over and his car was ON THE FREAKIN’ LINE!!! He parked badly but then expected ME to move. I followed him into Panera thinking all sorts of mean things and giving the back of his head very dirty looks. He’ll never mess with me again…..

  15. LOVE the new Wednesday! I just had the same experience today! We left work/school, popped in to the toy store in our small town and WTF?!? Giant pick up taking up more than it’s share of parking. I’m rushing to get my eldest in to the city for speeed skating, this is the only tiny window to pick up a gift for this party on Friday and: bam! Inconsiderate parking hog!!! Honestly, some people!

    Now, of course, here I am L-ing OL (LOL-ing?) at the rink. Whose the arse now?!? I don’t care though! Laughter is good. Thanks for a great post.

  16. I like your new Wednesday theme, but I’m going to have to possibly disagree with you on the second picture. In many cases it is the parking lot designers who are at fault for painting tiny parking places and claiming that there are a lot of spaces. Then, when people try to stay between the lines, they end up using every other parking place, leaving huge gaps all over the parking lot. In these situations, it’s better to park like that guy second from the left. The guy on the right should have parked closer to the guy on the left (if the guy on the left was already there). By each person taking exactly the space he or she needs, then you can fit the most cars in.

    That said, the guy in the first picture … might be extremely large or, uh, have a wheelchair. A large one. And at least that person was polite enough to park far away. And just because you have a mediocre car doesn’t mean you want it covered in dents. Then it really starts to feel like the junk heap it is instead of a perfectly okay car under a beautiful autumn tree.

  17. Feels good doesn’t it?
    That’s why I give out Throat Punches! Makes me feel a lot better to freak my freak on people.
    Cause people are tools.

  18. Perfect post! Keep up the good work. Also..it’ll save me from running my butt down to Kohls to try on skinny jeans and feel crappy about my hips….lol.

  19. My motto -that my girls hear daily – is: If you can’t park it, you shouldn’t drive it. I feel I earned this because I went to a college in the city and every day for four years parallel parked a 1985 Malibu Classic.

  20. Totally love WTF Wed. I actually blogged about my WTF today!!!! Don’t get me started on the poor parking. Wtf goes on in their minds — if anything???

    And ‘twat waffle’ made me lol and is my new fav saying starting now 🙂

  21. Iris, didja know that Larry David had a whole episode about the bad parking phenomena this season on “Curb Your Enthusiasm”? You MUST track it down and watch…

  22. Ok, I completely agree with the frustration of the poor parking, however, I have to say the fall colors of the trees in the first picture are unbelievable. Speaking from over in drought stricken East Texas the moisture of rain on the car windows and beautiful vegetation made me totally miss the poor parking.

    Now back to WTF….those are really bad inconsiderate parking jobs!

  23. Oh my word! Where do I sign up to join the Brigade Against Asshole Drivers???

  24. pig parker according to Larry David…

  25. You need to take a page from this: http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com

  26. AAHHHHH!! That shit drives me fucking INSANE!!! I’m glad I’m not the only one!! And, I too scream the phrase “WTF?” several times a day. My daughter has decided that on Mondays I’m not allowed to swear. When she announced that I think it was the first of my WTF’s for that day. Good thing she’s in school 7 hours on Mondays…

  27. But what about when somebody else parks like a tool, and then you’re forced over the line, and then the tool leaves and it looks like you’re the bad parker? I HATE this and will park in the farthest possible spot to avoid it.

    You should totally get these business cards: http://www.someecards.com/send-post/business-card-of-man-who-hates-bad-parking

    • Oh I hate that! It’s like when somebody farts in your cubicle and walks out right before someone else walks in and then YOU are stuck looking like the farting octopus. Not cool! Seriously, I used to work with a girl named Cindy who did that to me all the time.

  28. Loving WTF Wednesday! I thought horrible parkers only existed in Maryland! You need these – http://reviews.perpetualkid.com/product-reviews/Unique-Gifts/Knock-Knock/p/NOTE__2059-PARKING-CITATION-NOTEPAD.html I can’t find them for sale anywhere right now, but I have a pad of them in my glove box! 🙂

  29. I saw this on Pinterest right after I read this and thought of you!
    http://pinterest.com/pin/353122109/

  30. I have a small notepad, and pen that is in my car so I can leave evil notes on jackasses cars who park like this. I can’t stand it. If you can’t fit, don’t pull in. If your car is to precious to be parked near other cars, maybe you should get a shitty one to drive places. If you drive down diagonal parking the wrong way, you are going to get honked at, and looked at like you are a total fucking moron because you are.

    Thanks for letting me rant for a moment. I hate shitty drivers. 🙂

    • WORD! I need to do that too. I have a pad of Super Stickies and a sharpie I’m going to stick in my car right now while I wait for my custom “Nice parking job, ASSHOLE!” business cards to arrive. 😉

  31. OMG! I am SO with you on this one! I put notes on the windshield that say “IF YOU CAN’T PARK IT, DON’T DRIVE IT YOU INCONSIDERATE JERK!” A friend and I went to the same Mexican restaurant every Thursday night for three weeks in a row (Don’t judge, it was dollar taco night) and the same van was parked in two space all three nights. I left a nice big note on that windshield. For the bleeding hearts, no, they weren’t handicapped! The handicapped spaces were empty!

  32. I LOVE the new WTF Wednesdays. Another good reason to look forward to Wednesdays besides the airing of “The Middle” and “Modern Family”. Ironically your WTF Wednesday could easily be blended into one of those TV shows. You should so write for them or even better write your own sitcom! You might have to be a cable show though. : )

  33. Well, after raising you with “WTF”, and “Are You Frigging Kidding Me?” – I do get the credit, right?

    Just read the blog today and I am really proud of myself and of you (and your early training). Yestersay, I pulled into my business parking garage. Turned off the key, popped the trunk, pulled out the briefcase and bag to be shipped, locked the car. I noticed I was crooked and over the line. I put briefcase, bag, and purse on a ledge (so some asshole wouldn’t run over them); unlocked the car, got back in and straighted it out! Two minutes later while waiting for the elevator in the parking garage, I witnessed a little red car be able to just move on in to the “small cars only” spot. Wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t straightened up my act. Felt good about myself for a few minutes until I had to deal with the day-to-day work assholes!

    Awesome Post!

  34. Well obviously great minds think alike. Leave notes!

    Sorry I didn’t get to this until today. I am off coffee second day and I still have a terrible headache.

    WTF Wednesdays are way more up my alley than what I wore since I wear the same thing every day. Jeans and T-shirts….nice colored T-shirts, some with cute stuff around the neck, but still T-shirts.

  35. “Twat waffle”!!!! ROFLMAO!! Oh, and you are absolutely correct in venting about these assholes. Learn how to park you fucking moron! Ya, I sometimes want to key them, especially in the crowded parking lots! You GO girl! 😀

  36. Go ahead and key them. I won’t tell.

  37. I truuuuuuly enjoy being a pain in the ass right back, so as often as non-scratchily possible, I park my soul-crushing Toyota Sienna riiiiiiight next to those fuckers, and quite easily put my arm rest up, and head out the automatic door in back with the kids, HA!

    • Soul crushing?! What?! Honey, you are looking at your monogrammed insulated Tervis tumbler as half empty instead of half full! I LOVE MY Toyota Sienna. I love it so much, I wrote a long song about it. Okay, not really. But I did write a separate post all about how much Mini-Vans rock. Join me and embrace your Sienna!

      And thanks for the additional idea about why that sliding door ROCKS! I’mma have to try that sometime. Awesome!

      • Mos def you have to try it, sooooooo worth it, if only in your own mind, or say… a pic on the blog! It’ll be like a Tosh.0 web redemption. And for the record, I used to drive a 4-Runner. Still tough to transition. All the camping hippies here in Eugene looooove it though, always trying to convince me how awesome it is to haul my sea kayak… ummm, yeah.

  38. oh for serious! This made me laugh. I work at an insurance company and you would think those people would be good parkers, not so much. I seriously WTF every single morning!

  39. Thursday’s should be S.H.I.T….So Happy It’s Thursday..although I wouldn’t know why I would be happy. Maybe because Friday is to follow.

  40. I apologize if somebody already mentioned this. I don’t have time this morning to read all the comments. But sometimes I am in a hurry and the person next to me has parked over their line and forces me to park over the next line.

    Then by the time somebody else (you) comes along that first person has left making me look like the total idiot.

    I’m with you on the a-holes, but sometimes it is unavoidable and I cringe to think of what my parking job looks like. 🙂

    • You make a good point, but I think we should take the higher road and avoid the “She started it!” line of reasoning. Can you tell I am on the verging of selling one of kids for saying this same thing over and over and over? 🙂

  41. I’ve been fed up with it myself and took things into my own hands a few times. Nothing is better than seeing some well dressed soccer mom driving a huge SUV park illegally in a handicap spot to have a shorter walking distance. Last Christmas I saw a handicapped person drive by and comment that he really needed the handicap spot. He had to limp half way across the parking lot to the door. Something snapped in me. Revenge is sweet at the cost of $1,200 worth of tires. teheheheh.

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